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dont want prying eyes to see this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
sorry, I know I am confusing everyone! just ignore it!
<small>[ December 13, 2004, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: MovingForward4me ]</small>
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I think Dr. Phil gave you some good boundaries to follow especially with the kids. I don't know if these things follow boundaries, but here's what's working for me right now.
Set up a time for discussion about OC situation. Don't allow OW coversation to be included at all. It's not about her, it's about BS/WH and what you as a couple are going to do about OC and how he/she will affect your marriage. If the discussion isn't going well, stop and set a time to discuss later.
Coming home at a set time each evening. (must be difficult with a Dr's schedule), but if he can't make it home at a set time then he should call you or have one of his staff call (if he's busy). He should be reachable at a number other than his cell phone. I think cell phones give too much room for more deceit etc.
No name calling. If there's a name calling incident he's out the door.
You said something about doing things "right". There is no right or wrong way. It's individual for each couple. You have to do what you think is best for you and your family and marriage.
Don't allow what others think to influence you. They are not living in your shoes and as much as people have seen, they still don't really know how things have played out in your relationship for the past (I think you said) 13 years. Only you know what's in your heart.
I know some of this isn't boundaries, but hope it helps a bit. Boundaries are tough because once you set them you have to stick to it and that's the real tough part.
Remember most of all keep TAKING CARE OF YOU.
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I know this place is out of my limits, but wanted to just jump in here M23B... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TRYING to do the right things, but nothing is working for me... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT is what we tried desperately to avoid. But it's good in a way...you've set up your OWN boundary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> M23...you tell US...what you think WOULD work for you. I think I know where you're trying to go, and you are just really unsure how to get there. That's perfectly understandable...isn't it ? This is really going to come down to POJA. Think of it as pre-negotiations right now. Don't try to have all the answers..remember...you can only control YOU. With that being said..start throwing out some ideas...sometimes just getting them down on paper, will give you a better idea of how these proposals could work. Once you get YOUR part in order, than you'll be in a MUCH better position to POJA with Ed. See where I'm going with this ? Don't be afraid of crossing any boundaries HERE...that's what it's here for...for YOU to work out YOUR issues...what you bring back...will be THAT much more valuable. Hope you are doing okay. I know it's hard with the holiday season upon you. BIJ
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sorry, prying eyes are lurking!
<small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>
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M23B
You go girl. You're doing great. Sad it's gets to this point though isn't it. Why don't they wake up and smell the roses, but many don't until it's too late. Reading your post tonight it sounds like you may be drawing nearer to that too late stage. They don't seem to realize that the more they exhibit their poor me behaviors and continued lies etc, the more tole it takes on you and women when they've had enough, unlike men, know when they don't have anything left and don't look back once they've made the decision.
Again, KEEP TAKING CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!
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Hi mom2,
I would only consider letting him back if he was willing to write the following statement in his own handwriting (no typing on a computer), sign it, have it notarized, and give you 3 official, notarized copies (that you could have 3 strategic people hold onto for you in case he destroys the original that you will keep).
The statement that I would require:
To Whom It May Concern:
If I have ONE contact with (insert OW name here), my pregnant and desperate ex-mistress, without the agreement and presence of my dear and faithful wife, (insert your name here), I will take no more than 20 minutes to pack some things, say goodbye to my sons, and leave our home with no argument and no refusal to leave in order to protect my wife and my sons from the behavior that occurs after I have contact with (insert OW name here).
If you are reading this statement, that means that I am not able to make sane and rational decisions at this time and, for the protection of my wife and my sons, you should take me to a psychiatric hospital and place me on a 72-hour hold.
My boundary would be......
1) If you have ONE contact without my agreement and my presence, I will tell you that the clock has started ticking on your 20 minutes.
2) If you are not out the door within 20 minutes, I will call the police and give them your written statement when they arrive.
Mom2, if Dad2 is not willing to do this, it will speak volumes about whether or not he intends to maintain NC. At least you will know what you will be dealing with if you decide to let him back anyway.
Take care
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I think if you let him move back in right now-
you're going to be back at square one. He just
lied to you about how long NC has been. I know
it is the holidays and you want the man that
use to be your husband back- but this in and out
back and forth has not worked for MONTHS. Time
to stop playing that game and to stick to Plan B.
Great WW saying- to keep doing the same thing
expecting a different result- is the definition
of insanity.
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it worked for you didn't it PP? do you have an oc? and why are you giving advice? You are an OW right? Whos MM left W for U? Or maybe she didn't want him any longer so you got her leftovers? What could you offer us for advice? Like mom wants any from a OW who had a part in breaking up a family? mom just wanted to know who was giving you advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige: <strong> you want the man that use to be your husband back- Great WW saying- to keep doing the same thing expecting a different result- is the definition of insanity. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! Did I say I wanted the man that used to be my H back? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> NOPE, didn't think so...that man is loooong gone...Not even the DESPERATE OW has that man...nope the DESPERATE OW has a SHELL of the man that used to be my H...and I dont even recall saying I was in Plan B? Nope, didn't think so...What I DID say was that I was trying to get thru the holidays for the kids sake... I see PP you are a former OW...why are you responding to my thread...dont you know I dont like OW's...I dont care who you are, where you come from or what you do...you broke up a family and took away a H and possibly a father! What gave you the right to do that? enought energy spent there... Loving Boundries...I LOVE IT! Going to give it to him later...We'll see if he agrees to it... <small>[ December 10, 2004, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>
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If you hate EMR participants- why did you go on
Dr.Phil? You do know he cheated and divorced his
first wife? Or is it only OW's you despise?
I saw you on his show- honestly, you seem like
a real nice lady caught up in a tremendously
hard situation. I'm am not saying anything that
those on general haven't told you. You come to
MB- so you must seem some value in there
principals. Think of your H's A as an addiction.
But his love for you and a need to be with his
kids is also an addiction. If you keep giving him
mini fixes of your love and time and that of the
boys- he'll never feel desperate enough in the
missing of you to trade in his other addiction.
He'll never really know what he is missing.
I know to do this is harder than hard- but if you
want this rollercoaster ride to end. I think
it's something you should consider.
And to answer the questions asked by you and
the poster before.
In my situation- no children, no other children
no broken family.
And who did I get advise from- this site. 2 months
into my A, I knew in my heart that I couldn't be
second, couldn't be this OW. So "I" went NC, he
needed to either commit to his M or end it if
he wanted to be with me.
So NC works- but you have to be prepared for the
possible consequences. Is sharing him with her
better than not having him at all?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
<strong> W (was OW)
PA began 11/23/00
MM left W 1/7/01
D final 12/30/01
we married 5/31/03 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.
Or in other words...karma's a b***h.
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Gardenbunny.....
AMEN!!
PP you honestly think just b/c he didn't have children that this made you the exception to the rule??
Baby..You just got the leftovers!
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Momto3boys
You are in my prayers. I know you have gotten a lot of advice. You should be proud of yourself... you are one tough cookie!
No matter, you and your boys will always be winners! Just thank god that you are not capable of doing this kind thing to someone elses family. It still amazes me what some people are capable of doing to others.
Wiz
BS (me) 42
Former WW 45
DD 20
DS 16
DD 13
OC 10
* We have full custody of the OC.
Momto3boys there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
wiz
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wizard:
<strong> Momto3boys
Momto3boys there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
wiz </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I CAN see that light! Thanks!
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*********edited by JustUss***********
<small>[ December 12, 2004, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>
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*****edited by JustUss***********
<small>[ December 12, 2004, 12:44 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>
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If an OW is not remorseful...and flaunts it...she indeed is dirt to be brushed off the bottom of a shoe!
The actions of an OW who is not sorry, are not gracious...and these "women" do not deserve to be treated graciously.
I don't think that any betrayed spouses wish to hear from OW/OM/XOW/XOM who are not sorry for what they did.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
****EDITED********* [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Committed,
You are very very very very committed... to being right... at all costs. This post is insanity and harrassment! Why are you chasing mom from board to board? Why do you feel it your personal mission to give hostile feedback and in effect make ALL marriage builder boards unsafe?
I've got a thick enough skin, but someone very much like you chased me from the EN board a year ago, and thank heaven they didn't pursue me on the other boards like you have Mom.
You appear to be devoid of compassion and determined to drum something into Mom while she is hurting and grieving the loss of her father, as well as enduring a husband's childish addicted behavior. I'm not giving her a pass on lovebusting behavior as you seem to think that anyone who is kind to her is doing... But your post here goes beyond NASTY.
This board has a tendency to attract some of the cruelest of OW and Pink appears to have that same bent. They get called out, and Mom, considering everything, was pretty danged tactful in delivering her request that she does not need or want to hear from OW right now.
Please grow some sensitivity, tact and timing. And go back to GQ.
<small>[ December 12, 2004, 12:45 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>
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Are you kidding me? Why are you chasing me around as KaylaAndy has said! My goodness gracious committed. I am not the ONLY poster who has said something to PP on these threads...You just so happen to see the ONE post from ME and jump on it...Did you not see anyone else's posts to her, or to the other OW's on this board...I have stayed away from MB for almost a month now, I feel secure enough to start posting here just a few days ago, and now you come looking for me...Geez. I dont know what else to say. *SIGH* Yes, I was blunt and I was rude to PP, but when someone flaunts their status as an OW, I dont particularly find that helpful.
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M23, Why are you defending yourself ? You have just as much right to say what's on your mind as ANYONE does. You have just as much right to respond or not to respond as ANYONE ELSE does. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Some peope want their own select group of posters to respond...with their own select list of comments...resulting in a personal cheering section. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That goes both ways... RESPECTFULLY....BIJ... And I might also add..that I'm in NO position to comment in ANY CASE...AS I DON'T HAVE AN OC..thereby making me VERY ILL EQUIPPED to offer ANY advice to ANYONE in this situation. UGH... Hang in there...and don't be chased away again.... until someone walks in your shoes, they have no room to judge. And I see alot of judging going on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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