Does anyone ever feel like this?

I truly believe NC is best for US right now. (if you know the story then you know why & what we went through)

But....@ the same time there is always that nagging optimist that thinks somehow, someway, we can MAKE it work.

SO then I wonder. I feel bad for OC & my little ones asking to see their sister, pretending to talk to OC on the phone. Writing OC notes that say, "please come back" or "you are not coming back & I miss you", asking if they can call her.

We will be sending her Christmas gifts soon & the last of her toys. And of course I had another dream the other day about OC & OW-woke me up in a foul mood, as always. So it's on my mind.

Then I get angry @ H for doing this & these are the consequences & I hate it!

I know NC is the best. Oldest son is doing so much better & I have no idea what would happen if we started C again, for him.

But then I run all these scenarios in my head of ways that maybe it could work, minimum visits ect. But of course they are all dependant upon OW full cooperation-which we never had...(thus the problems)

I guess I just keep thinking that a human being, a mother would still WANT her child to have a father. I don't understand why not. IT is too perplexing to me. Why wouldn't a parent would put away their pesonal feelings for the best interests of their child? That is what I expect.

OW was fine w/o that. It helped to promote her victim mentality & evoke pity for herself & her daughters. Then I get angry @ her.

YUCK!!!!! I guess the holidays just make things MORE sensitive-like right? And OC & oldest son's birthday next month! (isn't THAT ironic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
kt

I think the Holidays proabably bring out those feelings in all of us at one time or another. You want to love and be with this child. He's part of your husband and you love H dearly and thus have learned to love Oc. That doesn't take away the pain and turmoil this situation brings, especially w/ a uncooperative OW. I can't say whether NC or C is best. For us we have c whenever we come to town but that isn't very often. We call and that's a about it. It's fine on one hand but H wants more time to spend w/ OC. But one thing I've learned in all of this is that it's ok to feel however I may be feeling in this situation. There is no text book response. We each have different emotions and situations to deal w/. I would try and deny my feelings if they weren't the most optimistic and cheery. I realized I was just lying to my H and myself and I HATE lying. Now whatever I feel I just feel. And since deep in my heart I love oc and H and want whats best for the Family those bad feelings seem to go away. Hope this helps

((((KT))))

You're in an esp. hard situation, having actually cared for OC for MANY hours the last couple years, then having to give that up. I'm so sorry for your grief. Anger, sadness, bargaining... that's grief.

Even though we haven't seen OC nearly as much as you(!), I wonder little things between visits (did she lose that tooth yet, does she miss the item she forgot)... things H wouldn't even think of. It's the mother in us.

Hug,
J

((((KT))))

I'm going through the same emotions here also. Like your situation, the kids have been behaving better with OC out of the picture, but then they do ask to see him and wonder why they can't.

I'm angry at H for giving up his fight, but then I understand why he did. No matter what happens, Ow is always going to give us a hard time.

I think what makes it harder for me is knowing that right now Oc is in foster care. The only thing that makes it easier is that he is with his two younger siblings.

Last week we got a call from the foster care agancy, seems Ow is complaining that when she has her supervised visits she doesn't see Oc wearing a certian pair of shoes she gave him. I told the lady that the shoes were to small, his toes were at the tips of them. So H and I bought a new pair. But what hit me was that when Oc was sent to foster care, she only sent a bare minamal amount of clothes. I mean only a few pairs of pants, tops and no jacket. When H had to give Oc to foster care, Oc went with a huge bag full of clothes, jackets and shoes. Ow is complaining over a pair of shoes that are to small? This just proved how petty she is and will never leave us be.

We to plan on sending Oc a christmas present. My therapist said not to, that the foster mother would probably take credit for it. Oh well, I have already gotten him some stuff and some of it is personalized.

H is hoping that one day when Oc gets older that he will find H and then he can have a relationship with him. I'm a bit skepitcal.

I'm angry at H for giving up his fight, but then I understand why he did. No matter what happens, Ow is always going to give us a hard time.

That pretty much sums it up pretty well. Sometimes there are just NO-WIN situations. I think this is one of those. It is hard for me to accept. IT must be that base female concept that we CAN change someone else! lol But we know better.

@ the same time (as you CM) I have to be grateful for what i have in the here & now & realistically--------we ALL know this is NOT the end.

These OC----if just for curiosity sake, will come & find their parents. That's what I think. SO I figure, eventually, we WILL see OC again. (now wouldn't THAT make for an interesting Oprah moment? LOL LOL LOL )

Especially if we keep in some kind of C, (via snail mail for us) & you too CM.

UGH! I think to myself---we ARE good, nice & caring people & OC has to miss out on US! LOL Maybe a bit arrogant hanh? LOL

I wonder little things between visits (did she lose that tooth yet, does she miss the item she forgot)... things H wouldn't even think of. It's the mother in us.

LOL YES! I used to do that EXACT same thing. Good, so @ least I know I'm not a wierdo. (or @ least NOT the only one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
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SO time to focus on what we DO have to be grateful for right?

Cm your pic was cute, btw, of you & yer 'sissies' on MBsxf.

Hope every one has a VERY MERRY Christmas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I am going too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


ooo
xxx
kt

Therapist FINALLY called!

I left her a message the other day, same as always; asking if she had heard anything about OC ect. Didn't expect her to return my call since she hadn't after all these months.

So...she said that she had not heard from OC or OW either but that she would call & see how OC was doing. ( she apologized for never calling before, she had some real-life stuff to deal w/, surgeries, ailing parents ect.)

She was sooo reassuring though.

She said we all did the best we could for the situation we were in & we made the right decision for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It really made my day to hear a 'professional' say that. It was God's timing I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She agreed that we will probably hear from OC in the future & especially if we continue C via snail mail so that OC can know that she has another family that loves & cares about her.

SHe said that as OC gets older she will want to have more of a relationship w/ us & OW is gonna HAVE to let her. (I was thinking, 'yah right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) But anyway....

SHe asked how we were doing. And I forgot to tell her the most, bestest thing: that we renewed our vows. DUH! I wish I had.....thinking maybe it will get back to OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I will call her back & leave her a message. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey, it IS a big deal ya' know. LOL

Anyway...I did tell her that H got a promotion, which I regret...don't want THAT to get back to OW! kwim?

I also told her, that for me, as a mother I keep hoping & prayign for some sort of miracle that it could all work out. But @ the same time I find comfort & relief in the fact that I did not create this situation/mess & that H & OW are gonna have to answer to OC & everyone else some day.....not me! And that I am NOT responsible to fix it.

It's frustrating becuase I literally CAN'T fix it but @ the same time.....I am under NO obligation to. kwim?

She was very supportive, understanding & encouraging.

SO I'm back to a HAPPY day!


Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!

ooo
xxx
kt

I would not worry about her telling the ow about the promotion as it's confidintial information between your theripist and you. Even so you guys have been through enough court stuff and finally a relieve maybe in site for your family fininacaly. I'm glad she made you feel better.

Yah...but becuase we were ALL seeing her (me, H & OW, sometimes together, sometimes separate) the 'confidentiality' aspect might be a little blurry, since she was also acting in a mediator role. She shared info both ways....kwim?

And technically, H is not making any more $$$ yet (but the potential is there) but I would hate for OW to think there was a pay increase & all of us have to go back to court to prove that there isn't. kwim?

But, honestly....I don't think OW would do that anyway.....out of fear that we would get back 'involved'. As I have mentioned before....I KNOW OW does not want that...so @ this point, ALL the adults are getting what they want.


ooo
xxx
kt


Have a VERY Merry Christmas!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said we all did the best we could for the situation we were in & we made the right decision for now.

It really made my day to hear a 'professional' say that. It was God's timing I guess. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know the feeling. My therapist said the same thing. She comes to my home and has seen first hand the effects of this on the children and my marraige.

this is off topic but what does KWIM mean?

I see it often and would like to know?

Know What I Mean? KWIM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Nerly. I appreciate that.

If you want my opinion I believe NO contact is always best initially at least till the child gets older.

I think that but then I have only had one example to go by ONE of my friends continues contact with the oc for her childrens sake, even though she is no longer with her ex husband

I personally think I would prefer NO CONTACT unless the OW where out of the picture all together, in jail , Dead, in a coma whatever.