I spoke to husband this week. For the first time we spoke like decent people. He said he still loved me. He said he was sorry for all the hurtful things he did to me. He still doesn't know if he would take me back if my son was not his child.

He's confessed to me that at one point he wanted to move on to Guatemala on his own. This OW was suppose to help him find an apartment and that it was going to be a friendship, he says "first it was my apartment, and then she started saying, it's our apartment" She came last month and stayed with him. According to him, he didn't want to sleep with her, but he was hurt and lonely and he did. They used protection the first time, but the later times they didn't. He said "eacl, I've made a bigger mess than it already is. she's nice and I like her, but I don't know. She wants me to pay attention to her all the time, she hates it when I talk about you or with you. "(this is only after 2 months of knowing her, one of which was on the internet). She has Lupus disease, and he says she may be manic. He likes her cuz she's independent and her family has their own business. He told me that he thought she had getting pregnant in her mind when she came to stay because when she told him she might be pregnant she wasn't upset or anything, she was actually happy. He feels guilty because OW told him "you have my heart in your hands and you'll hurt me greatly if you leave me." He says her life is so sad with her disease, she's also has arthritis. I hurt him by having an affair, we had a commitment of marriage for 7 years of which 6 i was faithful. He doesn't want to hurt this 2 month relationship...and he is hesitan to to work out our 7 year relationship.


I asked him if he would consider working our marriage out. He said that before we spoke he wouldn't have, but now that we had he felt conflicted. He told me he had already made a commitment to her, already paid for a full years rent on an apartment in Guatemala. He felt obliged to her since she paid for 1/2 of the apartment, and if he didn't pay his half, she was going to be stuck. I asked him if it was more important the "financial" commitment in Guatemala than me. Tomorrow they are doing a pregnancy test to see if she's pregnant. My husband and I had sexual relations for 7 years without protection and we never got pregnant. I don't know if it is his or not. It is a bigger mess.

He said if my son was his son he'd be willing to think about working it out. If the OW was pregnant, he'd stay with her. This is getting worse. I need advice. He was willing to go to counseling and work our issues out. Now, everything is messed up.

Regardless, he doesn't want to stay where he's at. He says he can't function, he feels dead inside, he says he's never cried so much in his life. In the 7 years of marriage, he never cried. I feel bad for him, I wish I could hold him and make it better.

eacl, it sounds like he's the one with the other shoe on now. I really hope that you two can work things out if that is truely what you want to do. Alot has happened in a short amount of time and it does not go away or heal over night. BTW........your pregnant right? How are YOU doing? How is the baby doing? Are you taking care of yourself and the baby? Stress does not help a pregnancy so as hard as it maybe, I'd try and keep it to a limit. Do something daily to release that stress by walking or getting on a treadmill or reading.......what ever it is that destresses you. I'm thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> eacl, it sounds like he's the one with the other shoe on now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had my baby in August. I left my husband in October, after he found out a DNA test payment I was going to do, but didn't get done. I feel for him. He says he doesn't consider cheating since he did it while we were separate and he thought we weren't gonna get back together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:

My husband and I had sexual relations for 7 years without protection and we never got pregnant. I don't know if it is his or not. It is a bigger mess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may want to bring this up with him the next time you talk with him because it may mean that your H may have an extremely low sperm count that is unable to get any woman pregnant. He needs to go to a urologist and have his sperm count checked before he takes the word of this OW that she is pregnant with his child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
He says he doesn't consider cheating since he did it while we were separate and he thought we weren't gonna get back together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is 100% BS [I'm not talking about 'betrayed spouse' here]. Separation is NOT divorce and it doesn't give spouses the right to act like single people by having 'friends with benefits'. Just like you cheated on him, so has he done to you.

In any case, it is a good sign that he apologized for hurting you with his abusive behavior for it may be the start of his getting help to resolve it.

TMCM

Toomuchcoffee and Needtomoveon:

He told me that he was still going to Guatemala, that he really liked this woman, but he doesn't know about being with her since after I spoke to him he felt conflicted. He says that she complains about him being cold with her. I told him he shouldn't commit to someone if he is unsure. To this he responded, if I'm cold to her when we go over there, eventually she'll get the hint and she'll leave me. I told him he needed to tell her if he was unsure. He just doesn't want to verbalize it. I wonder if when we were together he felt the same way.

I have a friend who went through a divorce with smiliar situations (not the child part) he said that the other spouse does this to keep just enough control. That I just need to be strong and let it go, that I need to move on. That my husband will lead me on, give me hope and then not know what he wants. If I tell him about working things out it's like me giving him the power. My friend has been divorced for 4 years, he said he went through the same thing.

When I spoke to my husband I felt I actually had hope. He hasn't called me in 3 days. I think I have lost him for good. My friends say I want back the man he use to be, not the man that is he is right now. I don't know, I don't know anything. I'm waiting by the phone waiting for him to call, I hate that. I don't want to call because then I'll start thinking that she's nearby that's why he won't pick up.

She's threatened to leave him, she gets upset when I call, she does all these things. She's only been with him for 2 months, one of which one was online. Why does she have more power over me? Why doesn't he see that our 7 year marriage is worth working out? Why am I less important, I was always less important? I want him back, I'm sorry for what I did, I want to repay for what I did, now I feel how he feels. He's just in limbo. I want to move on, I want to move on, I want to move on, but I can't!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
Why does she have more power over me? Why doesn't he see that our 7 year marriage is worth working out? Why am I less important, I was always less important? I want him back, I'm sorry for what I did, I want to repay for what I did, now I feel how he feels. He's just in limbo. I want to move on, I want to move on, I want to move on, but I can't!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To answer your questions, remember that there was a time during your affair with the OM that you probably wanted to leave your marriage and form a new life with the OM. Most married women don't have sex with a man who is not their H if they don't have strong feelings of love for him. If your OM had fallen in love with you and wanted you to be with him, there is a good chance that you would have left your H. But your OM, like most OMs, only wanted sex from you and nothing more. I say this because of the following words from your first post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The other man wants to be a father for the baby if it is his, he wants to have a physical relationship, but not an emotional one. I can't handle all this. I was also in love with this other man.."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just like you were vulnerable to an affair due to your marital problems, your H became vulnerable to one when he suffered the blow of finding out that you had an affair and a child from that affair. This OW became his physical and emotional crutch during this low point in his life, but what he did not count on was that he still had plenty of feelings of love for you left which are now surfacing after being buried by the pain of your betrayal. This may be a good sign for it may mean that his affair may end soon. Now this may not do you a lot of good emotionally speaking, but I hope that it can help you to understand it rationally.

TMCM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> This may be a good sign for it may mean that his affair may end soon. Now this may not do you a lot of good emotionally speaking, but I hope that it can help you to understand it rationally.

TMCM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do I do? Do I continue to keep contact with him. I've called him on the phone but he won't answer because he's with OW. Do I continue to tell him how I feel about him? Do I fight with teeth and nails for him? I have told him that I ask for his forgiveness and I want to repay the damage I have caused. I have told him that I'm trying to get help? Do I call him? What do I do???

DON'T PURSUE him but do let him know that if he feels the need to talk, that you are there for him and give him your phone number.

I know that this is tough but you have to make peace with the fact that you can only control your own actions and not your H's. Move on with your life by getting yourself involved in activities and meeting new people including other men [no I am not saying to go get involved in another relationship]. Doing this will help your personal recovery by making you emotionally healthy, strong and attractive person who never again will settle for anything than respect and love from the man who is her H.

TMCM

Toomuchcoffee:
I messed up. Before reading your post, I had just sent him an email telling him how much I loved him, and that it was my last plea. That I had read how marriages could work even after affairs, that I'd be willing to work hard. That he had given me hope and crushed it all away by not answering my calls, I am desperate. I love him. I sound ridiculus and needy but I don't know what else to do, sometimes my feelings get the best of me. I messed up, I messed up, now he'l think i'm needy and he'll push me away. I keep messing up and nothing I do will make it right, I keep screwing up...

You are a good person and if your H has any love for you left he will, if he hasn't done so already, come to appreciate this. Take comfort and joy from your little one who is a gift from God. I will say a prayer to help you, your H and your marriage heal.

TMCM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
<strong>
She has Lupus disease, and he says she may be manic. He says her life is so sad with her disease, she's also has arthritis. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ecal,

This woman would have severe trouble getting pregnant. Women with Lupus when they do get pregnant they are very high risk (because of fetal death rate is high, as it is with other autoimmune diseases). Also the medicications required for these diseases are contraindicated in pregnancy. This woman is a Liar.
Just my opinion

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: StressedOutMom ]</small>