Hello, Thanks for reviewing my post.

First of all, I must say that I am not one to air my dirty laundry. But I think that I would like some different opinions on current issues with my marriage.

I married at the age of 20, one year has passed. Two months ago my wife, without my knowledge quit taking her prescribed birth-control pills. She did not tell me at all until last month. Then she tells me she wants to have a baby. I explain her that I don't think it is the right time to have a child. We currently have several other marital problems, regarding sex, trust, communication, anger issues, Finacial and we just fight every day now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Last week after all the fights and arguments about having child, She claims that she is pregnant.

Now I am losing sleep at night.
I am a good guy, I love my wife and I'm not going to leave her even if she is pregnant against my will. Also I guess I should include that I have offered to take her Planned Parenthood to get different birth-control methods. For her sake.


What do you think?
What do I do?
What are some suggestions you could give as far as the fighting?
What did you do to come to terms with an unwanted pregnancy?

PS. Once again I like to thank you for reading my post.

Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

COWTICKET

Go with her to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy. If she is not pregnant then she and you need to agree upon a means of b/c until you are both ready to have a child. Read through the site about the basic concepts including POJA (policy of joint agreement). Welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you get some MC or some help from a pastor from your church to work through your marital difficulties?

"1.What do you think?
2.What do I do?
3.What are some suggestions you could give as far as the fighting?
4.What did you do to come to terms with an unwanted pregnancy?"

1.I honestly think its a great that you are aware before hand that you guys as a couple may not be ready for children just yet. Your wifes actions seem to be a plea for attention. I'm not saying that she doesn't want to have a baby. However I think that maybe because of all the other problems you guys are having the baby can make the problems go away, WHICH IS TOTALLY UNTRUE.

2. No one can tell you what to do. You'll have to make that decision on your own. Although you've disclosed some things about your relationship w/ your wife we don't know everything. I agree w/ faithful follower that you should try and get into marriage counseling. Counseling can be very helpful but both of you have to be willing to not only go but work to make changes as well.

3. As far as fighting I would try and reme,ber that form of communication usually on begats more fighting and discord. Instead I would try and realize when conversations are becoming heated and mutually agree to take a break to calm down. Then agree on a time to reconvien and dicuss whatever is going on. I also suggest trying to use I statements when expressing an opinion. I feel __ when_ This way you are expressing your concerns in a manner that is less combative. I would also try other forms of communication like writing, emailing or even video tapping your thoughts. My H sometimes has a hard time articulating his feelings to me when we talk. However when he writes it down either in a letter or email his opinions come out better.
4. We have not crossed that bridge. I would say the main thing you should dois pray to GOD to give you the strength to become the loving, caring, devoted father you were destined to be. I know that now was not the ideal time for you. But that's water under the brige if your wife is pregnant. If this was the ideal time you would be happy about this preganancy. I suggest that you look at the postitive fact that you and your wife may a created a beautiful little life out of love, and happpiness. There is no need to focus on those negative aspects since we can not do anything about it. Focus on the positive! And if your wife isn't pregnant have a open discussion about what you both want and come to a joint decision on pregancy and b/c. And if b/c is still something you guys persure maybe you should also use a back up contreceptive like codums or spericide in addition to pills, or a shot. No matter how we cut it as long as we choose to have sex there is always a posibility that we can concieve a child plain and simple. If you don't want children now consider abstinence. Only as a final result though. I wouldn't think that would be terribly fun for you or yoru wife. Best of luck!!!

Ok first let me vent about how pissed I am that a woman (your wife in this case) would do that. This is why I have some sympathy for men who have unwanted children. Yes you could wear a condom but lets face it, your suppose to be able to trust your wife. And if the A's of the world are as wonderful as what the "Other" place wants us to think, then these men trusted the OW in the R to NOT get pregnant. Man it just pisses me off to no end. A baby will never make a relationship work or fix the problems in a M,R or A!! When will women learn this!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ok enough:
Now my first advice is to express to your wife how disappointed you are that she would misuse your trust by trying to get pregnant with out your consent. Her actions will effect YOUR life forever if she were to have a baby. But she was honest enough to tell you she quit taking the pill and come clean. I give her credit for that at least. You should wear a condom until your comfortable trusting her again, its your only option of protection against an unwanted pregnancy that you can control, not her.

What's done is done if she is pregnant. Married or not you get to choose what you want to do with a baby coming into your life. Children are a gift and blessing period, no matter the conception! I hope/believe that my OC enriches the OW's life and hopefully makes her a better person. I know that my kids have made me a better person too and I've learn a lot from them. But you do get a choice with what you want in your life.

Try MC and work through the problems with the M. My opinion though is very few people are ever 100%ready for a baby financially. Circumstances can change and things come up in life that your not prepared for. I hope you and your W can communicate better and work through the issues in your M to make a great family with a baby someday.