On July 5th of this year my world came crashing down. I was answering my husband's cell phone when I noticed that he made numerous calls to this woman at odd times. At first, I thought it was a patient that my husband had to contact, but I had a horrible feeling that it was something else. When my husband came back from the beach I asked him who this woman was. After a bit of denial, he came clean and said that she was his girlfriend of 2 years. Never did I have any doubts. I assumed that he was at work. I cannot even begin to put into words the devastation that I felt. My husband blamed me. He said that I was repulsive and that I drove him to cheat. I remember hearing someone screaming and wondering who the heck could be screaming when I was in so much pain. I realized that it was me. I do not know how I survived that day. It was hours later that my H told me that he had a "beautiful baby boy" with this woman. I asked him how he could do this to me and our 2 children (girl 8 and boy 10). He said that he wanted to start over with the ow and oc and do it "right" this time. I thought I would never breath again. Thankfully, my children were at sleep away camp, and did not have to witness the chaos that was all consuming. I could barely take care of myself, I don't know how I would have cared for them. My H never asked outright for a divorce, but asked if I could make it work with him. I told him that I did not know what I was going to do but that we had to go to therapy to either end this marriage properly or begin a new one. We went into therapy immeadiately. In the first few months my husband said that he wanted our marriage to work. Yet, he still blamed me for his affair. He also was on the fence about which relationship he wanted to be in. He would tell me one thing and tell the ow another. It was so painful. He visted the ow and oc everyday. I would die everytime he was there. I felt powerless. Therapy really helped. It made me stronger and allowed my husband to see exactly what he had at home. One night (Thanksgiving), I had had enough. I told him I could no longer be the only one trying to make the best of this situation. I wanted to be in a relationship where I came first. I no longer wanted to be second to anyone. I would rather lose him than be in a marriage with a man who was not sure if he could make it work. I no longer wanted my children to wonder if their father was going to leave them. I just wanted it to be over. I had had enough. I wanted to move on. Well, my H must have realized that he was about to lose his family and best friend, and he began to cry. He told me everything that I needed to hear. He was sorry. He was wrong. He would make the changes needed to make this work. He would put All of my needs before the ow. He said that he now realized that I was not weak but strong enough to deal with this mess that I did not create. In the past few weeks changes have been made by my H.

Since the fall, we have been seeking c full or part time for the oc. My h has been paying cs. He had been VERY generous with her during the 2 years they were together. He bought her a townhouse, a car and gave her and the oc a generous amount each week to live on. He payed off all of her debt. He paid all of her medical expenses. He bought her clothes jewlery and furnished the house for her. He set up a trust for the oc and planned on making a life with her. She was 19 when the A started and 20 when the oc was born. She is now 21, my h is 40 and I am 37. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We are both highly educated. He is a physician. I have a double masters in education, and am now a stay at home mother. The ow never graduated from high school. She was living in a trailer park on her mother's couch when she began working as a file clerk at one os my H's offices. Her family background includes, drugs, incest, cheating parents, and her father was in jail for armed robbery. She feels that my H promised her a future and that he should now not only take care of the oc but her too. Our lawyer said that there had been a precident set with the money that my H has given her. However, her lawyer does not seem so swift and so far the only money being discussed is cs. She has not gotten a job. She is living off of the cs. We have been seeing the baby since the fall in our home. He sleeps over once during the week and everyother weekend (Friday pm - Monday am) We have all grown very fond of him. My children love and adore him. I too enjoy him. But, I must admit to feeling jealous and left out when he is around. I try to view him as a product of my h alone, and do not concentrate on the ow's part in his creation. I do not talk badly about his mother to my children. We basically explained to them that their father did something very wrong and had a relationship with the ow, but that a wonderful thing happened, and that a precious miracle their new baby brother was born. I deal with the embarassement of this situation daily. I put my head up high and act as if this is the most normal situation. I do this to set an example for my children. But, it is so hard. I do not want to go out in public when we have him. Only lately have I begun to go out with him. The ow wants me to have nothing to do with the oc. I feel she chose me to be a step parent. She could do a lot worse. I will love him and only want the best for him. I will not resent him but rather nurture him. I will welcome him into my family. She and I have never met. She wants to talk to me. I will not talk to her. She did not once think about me and my family when she was with my h. I will not make her comfortable. I will not reassure her. I will not discuss anything with her. She lost all rights to that when she began an A with a MM. Her eyes were opened wide to the ramifications of her adultery. My h did not know about the pregnancy until she was 7 and a half months along. She claimed to be on the pill. She faked a period each month. She did not tell my H until it was too late to do anything about it. I have no respect for her and know that one day her life will fall apart just as mine did.

I have felt so alone. I have read a lot on affairs but there was nothing on oc. I am so happy to have others that know what I am going through. I have wanted to talk about this for so long. But, no one really could understand. I am greatful to all of the women that can guide me and help me heal. Thank You.

family1st -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have found a great place to be. Weekends are slow. I usually don't post on this thread, but wanted to let you know that your story is really inspiring. What a wonderful attitude! Your family is blessed.

family1st,

Welcome to MB. Sorry for you situation, but it sounds like you handled yourself in a very classy way. Click on this link to go to SunnyD's welcome thread. welcome to p/c
Weekends are slow here, but hang in there some more experienced members will be along eventually.

Thank you Believer and Faithful....I have read the links. They have been very helpful. I am so happy that I came across this site. I am eager to learn and share with others to begin working through this pain to achieve a strong solid faithful marriage.

Well, as I said, weekends are very slow. But you have found the right place. There are many here who are going through the affair leading to another child.

Most are dealing with it the best they can. I think you will be a welcome inspiration here. All of this stuff is so hard on everyone. But stick with us, and we will help you.

Hi Family1st and welcome to MB...I am so sorry you have to be here! But you have come to the right place...Your story is inspiring! For you to be able to open your heart up to an OC after a 2 year hidden affair...WOW! Most of us have time to be prepared for the arrival of the OC!

I think you will find great support here. As believer said, it is very slow on the weekends...

I'll tell you a little about myself so that you dont feel so alone in this journey. My husband, who is also a Physician, started his A in January of this year. We have tried to make many attempts at recovery. We found out the OW was PG on July 5th. We also found out recently she is due to have a girl...a girl my H always wanted so he says <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

We recently went thru a 6 week false recovery, I was travelling A LOT back and forth taking care of my very ill father. On Nov 21 I returned home from an exhausting trip of taking care of my father to find that my WH had been contacting the OW all weekend. I immediatly kicked him out of the house. My dad died that night. We all packed up and went to the funeral...WH returned home on Thanksgiving day only to return to the arms of the waiting desperate OW...

Anyway, to make a long story short...WH is trying to get back into my heart, but I have compeltely shut it down...I wish that we could reconcile and live happily ever after...but I dont see that happening...

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone an there are many here who will offer you a helping hand...many who have been here much longer than I have and have btdt sort of thing. STay strong!

kandi

How coudl she hide a pg for 7.5 mos?

Wasn't she SHOWING?

I don't get it. How do you hide a 7.5 month pg belly?
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You are on the right path by getting everything set up legally. YOur H has no obligation to support her. When you do go to court to determine CS, remember that her wage can be calculated in as to what she is CAPABLE of earning even if she is not currenlty working.

I hope that it all works out for you.

Welcome, you are in the right place.

Isn't it such a relief to realize you are NOT alone?


sincerely,
kt

YOur H has no obligation to support her. When you do go to court to determine CS, remember that her wage can be calculated in as to what she is CAPABLE of earning even if she is not currenlty working.

Kt, apparently this may not be true if Family1st has already gotten info from their lawyer that there had already been a precedent had been set regarding his support of her.

She feels that my H promised her a future and that he should now not only take care of the oc but her too. Our lawyer said that there had been a precident set with the money that my H has given her. However, her lawyer does not seem so swift and so far the only money being discussed is cs.

Added to the fact that the OW is so young and uneducated and her H so much older and a professional, he might be viewed as one who took advantage of her and her status. That might not play well depending on the judge.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> How coudl she hide a pg for 7.5 mos?

Wasn't she SHOWING?

I don't get it. How do you hide a 7.5 month pg belly?
*****************************
*****************************
You are on the right path by getting everything set up legally. YOur H has no obligation to support her. When you do go to court to determine CS, remember that her wage can be calculated in as to what she is CAPABLE of earning even if she is not currenlty working.

I hope that it all works out for you.

Welcome, you are in the right place.

Isn't it such a relief to realize you are NOT alone?


sincerely,
kt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what I'm asking. Either she is a big person and it just did not show or I don't know. I was showing at 4 months. Wow 7.5 months. That speaks volums uh?

the plot thickens.......

It keeps getting more & more unfair.

So anyone can LIE & claim something like that now hanh? (not that it sounds like that is the case in this instance)

Interesting. I can see it happening.

But the BW can't claim that as well?
What about everyhting SHE was 'promised'?

Oh yah...only if she got divorced I guess?
How does that put the 'family1st'? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks for the heads up anyway.


what a tangled web we weave.................


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
kt

BTW: is that an organization or something?

Family1st..

Welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but thank God you found us. It is so sad going thru this alone... and you have people to come to now. I have made many positive changes in this whole situation, myself, due to so much guidance, ideas and discussions here. The site and the women here have helped my marriage so much in the recovery process. I was floundering and lost and had no idea what to do and not to do.

STRANGELY, I found out about OC on July 5th ! We have the "happiest" day of our lives in common (ick!) We do not have contact and it will remain that way indefinitely. My kids will not be enlightened at this point. How did you tell your children? How did they react? Do they show any emotion towards H or the baby in a negative way? Curious, as my kids are 14, 9 and 11.

You are VERY brave, VERY strong. Hold your head up high- do NOT feel embarassed. It seems to me that people that know you 2 as a couple would think very highly of YOU. I think the acceptance of this child makes you above the norm- very kind and loving.. and I do think your family and friends-- while not fully understanding of it--- will only look at you as the gem of a wife, person and mother that you obviously are.

Is you H in contact w/OW for ANY reason whatsoever other than for drop off's and pick ups? Are you sure the A is not still going on? Is it completely over? I hope that you are not simply takin your lumps regading the OW/OC- that YOU are comfortable with the arrangements, etc.. I am curious to hear if you were more than willing to accept OC or if you had no choice, etc? Please fill us in a bit.

How are you feeling about your H- is he putting forth every effort he can to reassure you and make you comfortable again?

I can barely read the financial parts of your post. I have no tollerance for leechy women who take money and homes and cars and are mistresses crying what they DESERVE. eeew!!! These types of OW are NOTHING but high-priced prostitutes who happened to give birth in the process. Maybe I am just jealous because I didnt get pregnant to a rich man... LOL.. but I find it disgusting to read the false sense of entitlement-- and the COURT'S reasoning that this non working piece of work can now live high off of what your HUSBAND AND YOUR FAMILY achieved together all of these years. I hope your H is not going to keep any sort of idea in his head that his "promises" mean squat to her now, other than court ordered child support. SINCE WHEN DO MISTRESSES NEED TO BE KEPT IN A CERTAIN STANDARD!! eeeew I want to puke. OC needs a certain standard-- as a baby- he may not develop properly if his wealthy daddy doesn't SPOIL his mistress mommy w/FINE THINGS??? Okay, let me quit because its so irritating.

Does you H give her money without your consent and agreement and knowledge? Do you discuss everything before a decision is made of any kind? I hope so. You should be a united front with your H at all times in this. And the OW should GET NO CONVERSATION with you at this point. She will most likely only try to hurt you and to stunt the progress in your M. Talking to her gives her a tiny bit of power to enter your head- DENY HER.

How do you know she wants you out of OC's life-- what has happened in the past?

I am proud to read your progress thus far. Come back and keep sharing. My H and I have been in a "real" recovery now since May. Things are very much returning to a normal, healthy, but BETTER marriage than we ever had. Sometimes a tragedy like the one you and I have suffered, can teach you how to really love all that matters in your life-- SOOO MUCH more.

(((((( HUGS))))))) and welcome, again.

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

I am not alone.....thank you so much. It means so much to me to have support from you all.

I too, cannot believe that my H did not know that the OW was 7.5 months along. But he insists that it is true. I remember when he found out (not that I knew the reason), he had numerous anxiety attacks, thought he was having heart attacks, and was near suicidal in his depression. This was late August early Sept. 2003. The Oc was born Oct. 2003 He went to doctors and I supported him through his crisis. I could not understand why he was shutting me out. I now know why.

In terms on having the oc in my life in the beginning there was no choice. My H refused to not have contact with him. I wanted to stop him from visiting the ow and oc in her house. So I had to let him bring him here or he would be there. My H did not make his true decision about our marriage until Thanksgiving. Up until then I was the only one truthful and trying to whole heartedly make my marriage work. I have demanded that the only contact with the OW be over issuses pretaining to the OC. I hope that that is the case. There will be no more second chances. It amazes me how I can give any trust to this man, but until I am proven wrong I must.

We told our children when they came home from camp in August. We planned a vacation and sat them down on the 2nd day. We told them that nothing in this world will separate us as a family and then said that daddy did something very wrong. He had a relationship with another woman. We did not give any specifics. We said that something wonderful occured and that they now have an almost 1 year old brother. They looked shocked, but almost immeadiately got excited. We let them speak to the OC in the phone. They very day we got back, my H brought the OC to our home for them to meet. I hate to admit it but it has been love at first sight for them. They fight over who spends more time with him. They cry when he leaves. They miss him when he is gone. They hold no noticeable resentment towards their father. We have all been in therapy to make this transition easier. It amazes me how seemingly everything is so easy for my husband. He never has to be held accountable. All of his friends and business associates all support him. No one ever looks down on his decisions. I guess when you are in a powerful position people will accept all kinds of bad behavior.

Everything is not a bed or roses here, my H is angry with me right now because I did not want the OC to come into our bed this morning at 7 am. I wanted to sleep. I feel like crying and screaming. I forsee this day to be a bad one. My H is so unreasonable at times. When he is angry he goes from 0 to 60. He doesn't fight fair. I feel so unappreciated and yes unloved. Each day is a struggle. Just somedays it seems worth the struggle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by giovanna123:
<strong> STRANGELY, I found out about OC on July 5th ! We have the "happiest" day of our lives in common (ick!) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">July 5th must be THE day...I found out about my WH OC on July 5th as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SHUT UP MT3B, July 5th? I REFUSE to believe it??????!!!! 03 or 04?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, Family-- I KNOW what you mean-- my kids are NOT BABIES and there is NO WAY you should give up your saturday mornings for OC...H SHOULD take him to another room.. GEESH what is with these men/woman in their selfishness????? YOU DID NOT ask for a new baby to interrupt your sleep and to be taken care of!!!! You can HELP and be sweet- not YOUR ultimate responsibility. I told H if we had C, I'd sit back and RELISH in him changing diapers, etc.. etc... cause I'd be the friend, the playmate.. I'd be all about fun and games and HE AND OW would do all the dirty work. That is NOT WRONG. That is UNFAIR to you. And then THEY get mad at YOU AND YOU ARE a poohead biaach right?! Amazing, isn't it?

I think you are probably stuffing many emotions down and accepting way more than you should at times. It is good at times to try to be calm and agreeable, sure---but in these situations-- you NEED TO KNOW you are first.. that YOU are loved, appreciated and feelings handled gently. Doesn't seem you H is doing this -- UNLESS -- you are happy, agreeable and smiling- ????? Is that true?

Dont you know, F1st--- WE ARE TO LOVE THIS! AND SHUDUPALREADY about OC and just LOVE LOVE LOVE all day all night- always! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hang in there-- and REMEMBER -- today CAN BE A NICE DAY - ITS EARLY!!!!!! YOU ENJOY YOU today--- enjoy YOUR KIDS AND YOUR BREATH. Don't waste YET another day letting this mess that your H and OW left you-- get you down. Any day you waste is another day given to the "A" crap. Come on- go make yourself real pretty, take a drive and buy something for you today--- or for the kiddies--- don't push things "under carpet" for H's sake-- do it for YOU cause its your day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by giovanna123:
<strong> SHUT UP MT3B, July 5th? I REFUSE to believe it??????!!!! 03 or 04?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup! July 5th, 2004....so my WH OC isn't here yet...we haven't even begun the journey ya'll are on yet! We are still wondering, or at least I am still wondering if this marriage can survive...Dang, my WH cant even stay away from the OW NOW...what will happen when that child arrives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Family..
Sorry to hear your situation. But you have shown an amazing heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ent

Are you 100% sure that the child is your husband's? What guarantees are there that she was in an exclusive relationship with him? Her word is not enough - has a paternity test been established? Sorry for my concerns but I'm sure you have thought about these things yourself.

And no way should you do any of the dirty work. It is so gracious of you to accept the baby into your home but it's not your baby. If you don't want to change the diapers - DON'T! It's not petty. You are a saint. TT

Tummy, my H had her take a paternity test and the OC is his. Eventhough he had reasons to be suspicious he still glorifies the OW. He calls her a good girl. It makes me sick. Also, she gave my H a STD and he inturn gave it to me. The A that keeps on giving. I do not know how he rationalizes her infidelity. He said that she was out of town and it was "only a ONS."

About doing the dirty work...I let him do 90% of it. He should clean up his own sh*t after all. I help him out because I want him to see that it can work here in our home as a family. Also, now I am getting used to having the OC around.

So HE gets a sleaze pregnant. HE wants contact, no matter what you feel/need/think. HE has YOU changing diapers and putting cranky kid down for a nap..............WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?

What do YOU want? Do you even want contact with oc at all? What I see is all of HIS needs are being met. Heck he has a baby and has YOU caring for it at your house?????? DO NOT CHANGE A DIAPER. DO NOT DEAL WITH A CRANKY CHILD. If oc is there, go ahead a play, the minute you get a whiff hand him off. If oc gets cranky take YOUR kids and go the DQ! This is his deal.

BUT. Where are YOUR needs getting met? Sounds to me like you have been run over by a truck and what is he doing to help you? He is MAD cause you don't want oc in your bed? TOUGH.

Honey, you need to stand tall and be firm with what YOU NEED. This is your one and only life. It is not a dress rehersal. How dare he humiliate you and expect you and your children to clean up his mess. Hauling the oc out for all to see....it's like rubbing your nose in it. You have hardly had time to come to terms with this and it sounds like he is putting the needs of oc above others. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

You sit down and have a talk to yourself. Now that oc is here and you know of the EMR, what do YOU want/need. Be totally and 100% honest with yourself, nobody will know. But really think this one out. You sound miserable and the price he is asking of you is great. Sounds to me like he is getting everything and you are getting nothing. I would advise you to call the Harleys. I can't believe any marriage counselor would be supporting contact with oc, while you are feeling this way. Call the Harleys, they are experts.

But back to YOU. YOU COUNT. YOU MATTER. You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and stand tall. Find out what it is that you NEED and want and TELL HIM. Negotiage from there. If it is all his way, the way you are feeling now will be the life that you live....you were not put here to be a doormat to anyone. So don't let him bully you anymore. SET SOME RULES for yourself and live by them.

The words that he said to you in the aftermath of finding out have me angry for you. You need to give yourself some firmly set boudaries on what type of behavior you are willing to accept. How dare he get mad at YOU for anything. God, you haven't even had a moment to exhale and he wants that kid shoved down your thoat, to heck with how you feel?

STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR YOUR OWN LIFE AND DREAMS. When I say "fight" I don't mean scream and yell and nag. I mean find out what you want/need and be firm about it. TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED/EXPECT.

What does your MC say about contact so soon, considering how you are feeling about it?

Also, call an attorney. Find out where you are financially and legally. Educate yourself on where you are in this marriage. No need to tell H about it. Since he spent $$ on her that was marital propterty and you can get that back should this not work out. EDUCATE yourself and be proactive about your life. Don't sit back and let the tail wag the dog here. GET MOVING. Find out what you are entitled to get, how much is in saving, how much he spent on her, etc. Get it all lined up so that if he continues on his current path, you are prepared to move on, but this time you will not be blindsided.

Reconciling or not, you should know all of that anyway. But do not let this man toy with you any longer. He is up to something. You can still go to counseling and try to work it out. But it will not hurt you to be checking out the finances and getting some ducks lined up just in case.

Right now, it is so early since you found all of this out. It is time to stand up and do something FOR YOU. Sounds like he is has been calling the shots. I sense an attitude from him of " I will go to ow if you don't.." He is being mean and hurtfull.

Oh, and tell him when oc fusses and cranks that it is his baby, not yours and roll back to sleep.

STOP ENABLING HIM TO ABUSE YOU. You are a good and decent person. You have family and friends who care about YOU. Lean on them. If there is one thing I have learned is that people like to be needed. So NEED them.

BE STRONG BE TOUGH STAND UP FOR YOU

OH, and sell the town house and the car. I would make that a must. Those were marital assets. Any jewelry? Sell it. GET THEE TO AN ATTORNEY FIRST THING.