Lynn G, Thank you so much for your concern. I am trying to think of me first. In IC, I am working on getting stronger. I feel so much stronger than I did in July. I discuss my resentment of the OC and ways to deal with it. I help out with the OC, generally only when I want to.

I am a nurturing person. I want to help. He is a baby and that does make it easier for me to bond with him. I have chosen to have the weekend that we have the oc fall on the weekends that my H works until 2pm on Saturday. My children and I take care of the baby when H is at work. I actually enjoy the time with the OC when my H is not around. I did this because I want the weekend that my H doesn't have to work to be for my family. This was definitely my choice. I never would have thought that I would be capable of spending time with the OC. Never did I think that I would enjoy it at times. too.

I have seen a lawyer (in July). I do know where we/I stand financially. I am prepared in case this marriage doesn't work.

My husband even entertained the idea of full custody. I recently have said that it is not an option. I am not willing to disrupt my life to care for his mistakes. I am willing to try to blend this family with the OC. I even feel proud that my H is stepping up to the plate with the OC. Just let it be his plate not mine.

Our MC, supports the decision of contact. He believes that secrets take on a life of their own. My husband had daily (2x@day) contact with the OC, up until I found out. The baby was at the time 10 month old. I can see how hard it would be to have NC. I could NEVER have NC with my children no matter what their ages.

I no longer allow him to have visits with the OC at the OW's (actually mine, I had my husband put her house in my name) home. In the beginning he was still going there each morning for half an hour before work. I have made progress. I want to be strong.

I will admit in the beginning there was a lot of implied "go along with his needs or he will go to the OC." I got to the point when I was ready to leave the marriage and that is when things began changing for the better. My H does make baby steps. I wish they were giant leaps but at least we both are on the same path.

Once again, Lynn it means more to me than you would possibly know that you took the time to help me. Thank you.

Lynn, The house is in my name. She will have to pay rent soon. I get great satisfaction that she will have to make a check out to me once a month. The jewlery are deemed gifts and cannot be sold by anyone but her. My H wants her to have a car for the sake of the baby. It is a used old truck.

Also, my H. doesn't want his OC to live an impoverished life. If we were to sell the house she would just crawl back to the trailer that she came from and bring the oc with her. My H wrestles with this constantly. He wants the OC to have a good life and now he is beginning to not want the OW to benefit from his support of the OC. Our lawyer says that the ow is entitled to benefit from the OC. We have one of the top law firms in NY/NJ. But, alas that too doesn't look good for the courts because it will seem as if my husaband is bullying this "poor unfortunate girl." The injustices of his A are astounding.

We will all pay for the generousity that he established with the homewrecker. I cannot wait for it all to be settled. She will have to get a job soon. The amount that he gives $1400 each month is so much less than he used to give her. He was giving $4-5000 each month for 1.5 years.

Once again, thank you for helping.

family,
So glad you are here, well not glad that you are here....but glad you are with people in same boat, so we all don't sink!! Just wanted to tell you, we have never had c with oc, but we are in marriage couseling, the couselor did tell me to hold me head up high, yes it is emabarassing but she said other people have too many problems of their own to focus too long on yours. Yes, they might look and thye might say whoa, what happened here? but then they get over it and move on. I think for me the worst thing is people all have their opinion of what thye would do if A happened to them, almost all say they would leave, I used to say that also. Now, I think it is different when you are on the opposite side of the situation, and those that are not in the same boat, do not understand and they criticise us for staying. Also as stupid as it sounds I don't want people to look at H and think bad things, H made a mistake, how many mistake have I made. If he were still having a A it would be different but he is not. Remember we will be rewarded in Heaven with a crown according to our work here on earth, my neighbor who is a pastor's wife, who knows my situation, states while she is moping the floors in Heaven, I will be seated at His feet, and so will YOU!!
Yelo

DDay 03/02
BS 29
WH 34
D 10
D 4
D 1
OC(GIRL)3

I am fairly new here too, Family, and I am struggling with the point you were at around Thanksgiving. The OC is due in June, and my H so far has refused to stop contact with the OW. I don't believe they are still "together" but he feels obligated to speak to her because he helped creat this OC. He also does not want to abandon this OC because he feels as though his problems stem from his father being absent. My H is still in the blame game for all his issues; blames his parents, blames me, on and on. We are seeing a MC, she does not so far agree with me wanting NC between my H and the OW but you know how MC's are, they want both parties to be happy. We had problems before he cheated, and his cheating and this baby have just made everything worse. Isn't it amazing that we never think our men who "love" us would ever cheat?? Anyways, I am TRYING to start thinking of ME and my needs and my son's needs. But I know it is hard to turn off that love that made you marry in the first place. Each day is hard, and I am desperately trying to make the right decisions for me and my son. My prayers are with you (and all of us in this crazy boat!!!) and I hope things look up soon. Sounds like your kids are angels :-)

Thanks yelowdaze, your words have helped me. I do know that people will move onto bigger and better gossip. That is human nature. But what gets me down is that the A and Oc will always be a new issue whenever we run into or meet new people. People will do the math see that the ages do not add up and KNOW that my H had an A.

I have found that people love to give me their opinions. They say that they would never stay. I say that I too never thought that I would have been able to stay. As a matter of fact, my motto to my H used to be...."you better love the next woman your with because she'll be your next wife." Boy, don't those words bite me in the backside. I thought that love would be enough to keep my H faithful. Now I know that it takes love, commitment, will power, strength, honor, morals, and ethics among so many others to keep a H or W faithful. Thaks for you kind words.

Wondering, I really do feel for you. My heart goes out to you. I wish that I could make it better for you. I do know for me the hardest part of this whole mess is the contact that is somewhat necessary with the OW because of the OC. It is better for me, when I am present when my H speaks on the phone with the OW. I do not EVER want to see her in person. If NC with the OC is possible, I see that it would be beneficail. In my case, it just was not an option. My H had fallen in love with this child and saw him regularily before DDay. Now at least the visits take place under my roof.

Wondering, can you insist that you are present when he contacts OW. It would make you feel better to know what they are talking about. Also, I know how hard the blame game is. I am willing to accept blame for my M going "sour." But that's it. I will not be held responsible the minute my H stepped out on his marriage vows. That is his blame alone. Stand strong and know that what you are doing makes you a strong brave and capable woman.

Sell the condo. Where she lives is her problem. I know you want oc to not live in squalor. But at what point are you rewarding her? What about balancing out so that the can stay in condo until said child is 18, then she must vacate. If she marries or has another child, she must vacate, etc. What about the condo in lieu of child support?

Don't be giving her so much.

I would demand that it either be cs or the condo, not both.

Lynn, her cs is $1400@month the rent is $1200@month. That leaves her only $200 to live off of. She threatens to take the OC to live with family member clear across the state--to live in another trailor if she has to move out. Unfortunately, for my H that is not an option. He wants to see his OC each week.

I can't wait for her to find someone and have my H know about him. I am sure he will not want to be so generous to the next low life she brings into her life.

According to the law in our state, it doesn't matter if the OW or inturn her family make out better financially off of the CS of the OC. Its painful but true. She actually could fight for so much more money, but thankfully, her lawyer is an idiot who has told her to settle. If we had to go to court my H's finances would be revealed and he would have to pay CONSIDERABLY more than $1400.

I wish that I never had to deal with all of this mess, but I do. I am trying to make the best out of a horrible situation that I did not create. I do think of myself, my children, my H, and the oc. In that order. Thanks for helping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Family1st, I wish we could do NC with this OC, but I know my H won't want to do that - and really I can't blame him. At least he wants to do the right thing as far as not leaving this child w/o a father, although I am hoping we move or she moves soon and that may take the stress off a bit. Gosh I just can't even think about all that right now. We saw our MC this morning and things went good - he swears he hasn't talked to OW in several days but really that is cuz his cell phone got cut off so she can't call him 5 times a day anymore. He said she called his work once (she looked up the number in the phonebook) and he told her not to call there and he hung up on her. I believe him cuz in our sessions he has always told the truth, even if he lied to me about stuff before. I made it very very clear today at the MC that I can not and will not accept him talking to her outside of my presence, and I'd prefer him to not talk to her at all before the OC is born. Our MC said honestly I have no control over if he talks to her or lies to me about it, and I agreed. It's really up to him and whether he can respect my need for this. He said he could, we'll see. He's been very sweet the past few days. But he has his good days and bad, so I am trying to be hopeful but not unrealistic. WOW this is a long post, sorry!!! Anyways, I am afraid of how to explain all this to our families if we do stay together (especially MY parents) how do you handle that?!?!

Wondering, Hang in there. Hopefully, your H will get used to NC with the OC before the OC is born. Time is on your side. It is difficult having to come terms and accept the fact that you will always have the OW to deal with because of the OC. If you can get your H to break the connection now, it will be easier to do so than after the arrival of the OC.

It was very difficult to tell my family and friends when this first took place--July 5th. I did not tell them until early September. I told my Mom in generalities what had happened. I told her that we were in IC and MC, and that our goal was the same to keep our M intact. I told her the initial pain was gone and that I was so sorry that I couldn't confide any sooner but that I just at that time had a hard time breathing. Needless to say she was devastated. She felt so badly for me and really dissappointed in my H. I told my friends the same time almost all the same words. I did stress I needed their support not citicism. It was hard, I won't lie but worth it. I now have people on my side.

The embarassment never really goes away. I just hold my head up high and pray for the strength to accept what I cannot change. The cross we must bear is hidious. But, if this is what it takes to get to a better M, then I say so be it.

I hope that you are getting sympathy, compassion, remorse and peace from your H. It does help. I do not always get these things, but I do wish that you do. Take care, I'm thinking about you!

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: family1st ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My children love and adore him. I too enjoy him. But, I must admit to feeling jealous and left out when he is around. I try to view him as a product of my h alone, and do not concentrate on the ow's part in his creation. I do not talk badly about his mother to my children. We basically explained to them that their father did something very wrong and had a relationship with the ow, but that a wonderful thing happened, and that a precious miracle their new baby brother was born. I deal with the embarassement of this situation daily. I put my head up high and act as if this is the most normal situation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey I can understand so well where your coming from...I dont think its jealousy, it may just be acceptance and how uncomfortable that is. Having the OC in the house with the kids estatic is so sureal...You try so hard to raise your children with respect and morals and you force them to deal with an issue like this. Not fair to them and certainly not fair to the spouses that have been affected by all of this. But we do, what we know is best for the entire family (OC incl)...

I wonder how the public will react, and look forward to making the stupid people with asinine questions quite uncomfy LOL! I even thought about sending out holiday cards with the pictures I have taken of all the kids together by my mantle, to all extended family and friends that may or may not know yet. That way it is out there and if they have questions or have to gossip they can do it amongst themselves and perhaps not ask stupid questions when we do actually meet up in a public setting or at a family gathering. I can only imagine how happy the telephone company will be in January. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My children have adjusted wonderfully. For that I am greatful. My little one is a bit more reserved. Perhaps its because she has always been the baby girl in both sides of the family. I just give her extra attention when the baby is around and continuously tell her how special she is.

Like you we never speak negative about OW. I dont want them to feel pressured in anyway. Nor do I want them to hold back on loving the baby because of anything we have said. They are so proud of her. The day after we told them they ran to school the next day with tons of pictures to show all their classmates. Then my little one in the middle of a math test took the oppty in which she knew everyone would listen and announced to the class her news. The teacher was in shock. Called my oldest down from her class to ask if this was true, she said yep it is, isnt it awesome? LOL!! I expected the teacher to come to me and tell me but I guess this subject was too uncomfy for her...

As far as the diaper changing, its all on hubby. Nope sorry thats not my job. I will hug and play with the baby. I will feed her and sing to her but I will not change diapers. Thats where I draw the line. When the baby is around so is he. He is not going to leave me alone...I understand about you wanting family alone time and all but, you shouldnt put yourself in that predicament. This whole thing is stressful enough...

Sorry that your here but glad that you shared! You are not alone!

Thanks for your kind words, family - our biggest problem right now is that I am NOT getting sympathy, compassion, and peace from him. We had separated because of his selfishness and immaturity (staying out til all hours, losing a great job cuz if his attitude, being somewhat physically and very emotionally abusive, not holding up his end of parenting...just to name a few!) And then he does this. And he sits around one week blaming me for his infidelity cuz I kicked him out, then the next week he's sorry but he still acts liks he shouldn't have to prove to me that I can trust in him and know he will be 100% for ME when this baby comes. Yesterday he said "Hey it's not all about YOU" and I said "you bet your a** it is. YOU created this situation and YOU should be kissing the ground I walk on for even considering staying with you." of course he said nothing cuz he always says nothing when he knows I am right and he is not doing right. Last night he came over and got in bed with me (we haven't shared a bed in like two weeks - even when he comes over he's been couch surfing voluntarily) and I really didn't even want him there; didn't want him to touch me, breathe on me...I really think after Christmas I am going to tell him I need to do some counseling and soul searching by myself to figure out if he is really worth all this to me. I love him, but he has done so much to hurt me, even before the A and OC...and sometimes love just ain't enough...

Wondering, Have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. The basics of the book are right here on this site. Read everything here. Are you in plan A? You are not to blame for him steping out on your marriage vows. That my friend, he did alone. Like you we are only responsible for our marriage going "sour." He needs to understand that. My husband did a lot of blaming, I too, did not get much compassion, empathy, and sympathy. Only through MC and IC did my husband begin to change. He is far from perfect but he is getting better. Never be abused. You are worth being treated with love. If you are not in IC and/or MC, I suggest that you go as soon as possible. I am thinking of you and wish I could ease your pain. One way or another you will be a better stronger person in the near future.Take Care....Read this site, it helps.

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: family1st ]</small>

I have not read all of it yet, bits and pieces. He is in IC but I don't think he is benefitting yet. Maybe not being open enough with his C, maybe his C is not doing enough 'get-into-reality' stuff with him. We have an MC, but I think one of my H's biggest problems is he is bi-polar but won't take medication. I want to see my own C starting soon, because I feel like I am sacrificing myself for my H and I don't want to do that. If I was on the outside looking in on my entire relationship I would be like "Girl you are completely insane and have no self esteem or self-worth leave him NOW"
I just am tired of feeling this way...