Here is a letter/contract I have written up for WH. Also a list of boundries..input? Somehow, he weazled his way back into the house this weekend. told him to get out this morning. He has made no attempts at making up a plan that I asked for, to respect me, to put ME before anyone else..he thinks that if he says "I'm just not going to call her or see her" is good enough for me...Why cant he just accept the fact that I dont want him anymore! WHY? all the sudden he wants me now? I just dont get it!

*WH needs to come up with a Written Plan himself!
*Absolutely NO CONTACT with the OW!
*Be 100% transparent at all times!
*Involve me, your wife, in everything you do...you have been a closed book, now it is time to open it up! That includes, personal AND business decisions.

*Let me see the phone logs from the office each month for every phone number.
*Change your cell number.
*Sell the house ASAP...this is not a home any longer since the OW was in it!
*Have NOTHING to do with that NH...if you want to keep it, PA must round there, if not, you must quit...no IF’s, AND’s or BUT’s! No phone calls to the NH, unless it is after hours...PA must take/make all calls to that NH!
*Quit the ER or work at South or another one.
*You will have NOTHING to do with the labor and delivery of that child
*You will not go up to the hospital to visit the OW or see the OC
*Paternity will be established ASAP...then child support will be set up
*Any involvement with the OC and any phone calls with the OW must be done within my presence each and every time.
*Take stress management class/counseling.
*See a marriage counselor.
*If you cannot follow within these boundries it will result in termination of our marriage.

Here is the letter!

If at any time I choose to contact OW without the knowledge AND presence of my wife, *****, I will assume full responsibility for the destruction of my family and the termination of my marriage! I will not beg or plead for ONE MORE CHANCE. I will take no more than 30 minutes to pack some things and say goodbye to my faithful wife and my three innocent sons. I will leave the house with no argument and no refusal in order to protect my wife and my sons from my selfish behavior and the life that I have created and chosen outside of this family unit.

If you are reading this letter, that means that I have contacted OW and I am not sane enough to make any rational decisions. I realize, however, that my path of destruction has caused so much damage and turmoil in the lives of my three sons and my wife, *****. . I know that my wife married me in good faith and chose to give up everything for me and support me. She does not deserve the pain and sorrow I have caused her for the past year. Because of the life I have chosen outside of this marriage, I will now offer to take care of my wife financially and pay her $**** for the next 20 years. I will also make sure my wife has medical insurance for the rest of her life or until she remarries. I will pay for all educational and college expenses for all of my sons.

I realize the pain that I have caused this family is unforgivable.


Please add/delete whatever you think necessary...I am talking to Penny today...I am looking forward to it!

If you are reading this letter, that means that I have contacted OW and I am not sane enough to make any rational decisions.
If he’s not “sane enough” to make a rational decision, why in the world would you think he would admit to anything and give you this letter, let alone abide by any of it? (30 minutes only to get stuff, leave with no argument, etc)

This letter would have to be signed before he comes home in the first place...IOW, it is a contract if you will...I will not let him come home unless he reads this letter first and signs it...
THEN, if I find out, whether he tells me or I find out on my own, he has contacted the OW, I will pull this letter out and remind him of it!

understand? make sense? I actually got a form of this letter from a previous poster on another thread...that's where I got the idea...

Hi MF4M:

Love the boundaries in the first post. IMO - think you should sit on the letter for a few days and read and re-read.

As for your question/statement about them not getting it and now wanting. Personally, I believe most want to stay with their family, however; they come from that other "species" and have the attitude of "cakemen" and until they get a "clear" picture with no "fog" (and that takes a very long while and like true "fog" comes and goes) they don't get see the real deal. I've said before, lots of times the BS (woman), that is, has had enough before the "fog" lifts for good and doesn't want anything to do with WH or deal with any more of the **** he has created and choices to keep the chaos and craziness ongoing.

Somehow, he weazled his way back into the house this weekend

I caved, I'd rather my boys deal with the
trauma of him coming and going than not have him
around when I get needy and lonely.

Nuff Said <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

N2L

Don't know if your last post was intended to be an explanation, but you DON'T need to explain anything to anybody. It's OK

I jsut got off the phone with Penny...I have a plan and will move forward with it after the holidays. I am not sure what your intentions are from your post N2L, but you dont know me, nor my situation, regardless of what you have "seen"...dont assume things, please...

nuff said to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

N2L AKA The Pink Paige,

please leave MOM alone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

MT3B-
Have you given thought to the idea that in all
likely hood H has made OW aware of your appearance
on Dr. Phil and your postings on MB. And that
it may have occured to her to tape the shows and
print out your emails here to use in case this
baby turns out to be H's. She could use this info-
specifically the video of fights in front of
your kids and comments about OW and OC to have
you excluded from any vistiation as a possible
threat to the OC?

Mt3B,

I think the letter sounds like a great idea. However, I am worried about the enforceability if he breaks his agreement. My attorney told me that any document signed under duress (like deeding over the house, etc.) would not be enforceable in the divorce. Also, if the word insane is in it, the court (should it go that far) would take that and make the whole thing void. If he wasn't able to make rational decisions, he wasn't rational to sign the contract.

Even if it wouldn't hold up in court (I don't know about that for sure) it makes a bold statement about what the terms are for a reconciliation. I believe you said you have an attorney. You may want to run the idea by him/her to see if you could make it happen if he breaks the deal.

Good luck! Everyone is rooting for you!

I should have known! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Thanks for the heads up FF

OK, about the shows and posting here on MB...hmm, not sure about her posting here on MB, I have asked him about that and he SAYS he has never told her about the site...She knows about the appearances on the Dr. Phil show as she was SUPPOSED to go on those shows as well...remember when Julie, the producer was saying what she said, etc...I've never said anything awful about the OC, I know this child is an innocent product of an affair, and I would only welcome it with open arms, but with that child comes the OW, which I cannot welcome IT with open arms <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I dont think anything that has been shown on TV would stand up in court as all the fights were over the A and not the OC. And most of what was said was in defense of what he had said like...she's better in bed than you are" and then I asked why he brought her to MY house and it went on from there. I also mentioned him having an STD in front of the oldest child, which in return he asked what an STD is. If anything, the tapes will be used AGAINST my WH is the courts...

I do have an attorney and she has reviewed the letter and I will be meeting with her in the new year. I have also sent a copy to Penny. I am not going to be using this letter at all, but using parts of it in another letter to him. KWIM??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Movingfwd,

Good to hear from U! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

IMHO, your list of demands s/b shorter.....much shorter. As previously recommended, review it again a few days..... I understand you will have your moments of weakness (we all do), wanting your H back is t/b expected. Letting the WS back while he is PRETENDING t/b a remorseful xws but really a WS is NOT t/b tolerated.

So where is the real line? Well work on this, when he comes over the house (for whatever reason), the 1st ques s/b, when you enter this home which personality will you be coming in with? WS, Xws or H? Let him actually state it. Then decide whether he is allowed in the home or not. When he pulls out his bad attitude (ws mode), calmly show him the door. I think you start to do this but only after you have been taking a beating. You gotta do it sooner.

Now back to your letter.....make it shorter. Not as much detail....that's his job. Don't do it all for him. I know you said let him write it up but what you wrote he could plagarize.

Your boundaries are starting t/b identified and maybe Penny can work with you on how to implement them to keep you safer.

You have done a good job considering all the extra circumstances so keep up the good work.

Sending loads of support via the Aloha MB water ways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why cant he just accept the fact that I dont want him anymore! WHY? all the sudden he wants me now? I just dont get it! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you let him think there's a chance. Letting him stay last night, this list of conditions (I'm sure you've discussed at least some of them with him)... YOU are leaving this door open.

I cant for the life of me figure out why you would even consider taking him back. You given him more than a few chances to get this right... more than any person could tolerate. You've been more than considerate. I would not want this self-absorbed, narcissistic man raising my boys (anymore than was legally required). I'd think enough damage has been done, to you and them. His reasons for wanting to come home are selfish... if he wanted the best for your family he would have ALREADY done some of those things. He hasnt, has he?

And you know he will not agree to those conditions... Talk to him AFTER he's had a year of therapy. Maybe. Let's see what kind of man he can be in a year. I think you'll have your answer.

You dont have to make this decision now, do you? You have been through so much... are you in IC yet? I think of you often, and I hope you are healing. Please take care - Dru

Plese becarful on what you post. I saying this from personal experiance. Xow found out I was posting here and printed all my post for court. Family courts are a bit different from criminal courts when it comes to using post/e-mails. Even though I didn't say anything negative about OC, she was able to use the post to say that our home was a dangerous place for Oc to be.

Prayers are with you!

I want to clarify something.

The example letter was for the purpose of you knowing, leaving no doubt in your mind, what his intention of implementing and maintaining NC would be.

If he wrote it, signed it, and had it notarized, I might....might....believe he intended NC, but I would expect him to fail at it. Then he could tell a story to talk the police out of taking him to the psych hosp. In other words, even if he was serious about NC and failed, I don't believe he'd actually end up in the hospital.

I expected that he would NOT write the letter. Then you would know, for certain, that you would be dealing with more of the same if you let him back now. That was my whole purpose -- so that you would know that there will be contact because there's no reason for him to go NC.

Btw, expect him to spend part of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with OW in person, by phone, or both. If you let him back, you will know when contact is occurring. You might even find out what present(s) he's giving her. Can you handle that? Or will it interfere with you giving your boys an enjoyable Christmas?

Take care