I am new to this site, I have posted my situation under "My story," but I need some help understanding how to live a life with my H, while he will have to have contact with the OW because of the OC. It would be "seemingly" so easy to move on with my H after the A if there was NC with the OW. But, logistically, my H needs to speak with the OW over issues of the OC. I just cannot handle ANY contact. I do not trust her. She wants my H back. She is devious and will say anything to get him back. I have asked him to make all calls while I am present but, alas (eventhough he tells me about them) he makes some (possibly most) when I am not around. Also, he has to see her when he picks up and drops off the OC.

My H says that he is putting our family first, and that all conversations with the OW only are about the OC, I still feel powerless. I have so little trust. I have been betrayed for what I have just discovered the entire time we were married (13.5 years). How can I get past the betrayal? How can I cope with the resentment of the OC? I do try to not look at him as a reminder of my H'S A. I put aside my issues, and try and be a melded family when he is here. I feel lonely and left out when he is here. MY husband expects me to treat the oc no differently than my own 2. He doesn't want the OC to be " the second fiddle." He expects so much of me, when I never asked for any of this to happen. I NEVER wanted to be a step parent. I am thrust into this because of what they did not me. Their eyes were open to this, mine were closed. They chose this life. I would never have chosen this for myself and children. I wanted so much more from my H.

My 2 children and H spend every second with the OC, when he is with us. I help out, play with him and them, and watch to make sure he is safe, happy, fed, napped and healthy. I just wish that someone would watch out for my best interests, too. At times, I do not want to be the bigger person. I want the attention. I need it and crave it. The Oc is 10 and 8 years younger than my two. We have to be on his schedule. He is a cranky, clingly but endearing child. But, he is just not mine. Will I ever get past this? Will I ever fell whole?

I also, wish that my H's dirty laundry did not have to be aired in public. But, with an OC that does spend a significant time with us EVERYONE knows. My neighbors, friends, family, school teachers, my children's friends and families, my pediatrician, my H's business associates and there wives, EVERYONE. I am such a private person. I do try to hold my head up high, and pretend that it does not bother me. But, in reality it bothers me every second of every day. My H has not had any backlash because of his A. He is too powerful in business for anyone in that arena to voice a negative opinion. His family embraced his mistake. his friends are all work related so they would never say anything about it. Actually, most of them knew what was going on and helped him deceive me. They socialized with my H and the OW. How could they, I thought they were my friends, too. I cannot escape my H's infidelity, EVER. I feel for my children how they too, must deal with the embarassment of the infidelity. I wish more than anything that I alone could suffer the injusticies of this pathetic A, and I wish I never had to involve my children. My children have been able to cope with this remarkably well because of me. I set the example. I dry their tears. I help them tell their friends. I reassure them that we will stay strong as a family. I had the hard talk with each of them individually after the intitial revelation of the OW and OC. I want someone to take care of me. Someone to praise me for my strengths and efforts. Everyone just expects me to pull it together. How can I pull it together when inside I am falling apart daily?

Hi Family1st:

First of all let me say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this issue. I don't have time to write a long post right now, but I'll tell you I can relate (and I know lots of others will too) with almost everything you say in your post. You're NOT alone.

I have and still do feel and have difficult coping with nearly the same exact feelings you're going through. You're feelings about OW and contact, OC and contact, OC at your home etc. I know it's going to take time and the healing and "dealing" won't happen miraculously overnight. I have learned that taking care of yourself first must be priority and other things will fall into place. Mind you, they won't be perfect, but better and yes you'll have days that you wonder what the heck am I doing and question yourself.

All of these emotions and feeling are NORMAL. Remember that. More later. There are others on here who have been at this longer than I have and will bring you more insight.

I know Sunny D and others will point you to Plan A & B, Policy of Joint Agreement, EM (Emotional Needs), LB (Love Busters) as well as reading as much of the other literature on the MB site as you can. It does give you perspective and you will read it over and over again.

F1ST, I am very glad that you have found this web site! Sorry that you had to come here though. I do have a few questions. How old is the OC and how long have you had visits w/ him. Is it court appointed? Was there any DNA test done. I am suspecting that the oc is about 1 or little older? For me I think its been easier to bond w/ our A (OC). He is just part of my heart. I feel sorry for H and D, they both miss out on me when he is there, to a point. I am a over protecting, anything could happen, MOM! I myself had a daycare for 4 years, I raised 5 babies that did not come from my body. Any of their "real" mom's would tell you that their child/ren would cry for me at night and on weekends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I treated them as MINE for 8-10 hours and some even had for weeks at a time. Mom travel w/ work. So when I look at A I see a precious little thing that NEEDS me! Oh course he is only 14 weeks old. I can tell you that I too didn't ask to be this awesome stepmommy thingy. But I can tell you I accepted the job and the responibilty of it when I made the choice to stay w/ my H. (The bible even gave me an out for it KWIM) No one makes me do anything I dont want to do. Some days I will tell you I did the right thing by staying and somedays I feel like RUNNING FOR THE HILLS! The only thing that keeps me here is the love for my family. You will have to PRAY ALOT and over and over again for the strength and the heart you will need to endure what you are going though. I dont think anyone could sort out all the emotions that we fell (on either side) w/o help from a IC or MC. Dont stay for just your children, dont stay b/c you would feel this OW would "Win" per say. Stay b/c it is something that YOU want and can do and make work! I would sugest getting into some kind of IC. Go though this site and print out the POJA, look at his/her needs, everything you can to improve YOU and make YOU better and stronger. With that accomplished, you will and can do anything! If you need help finding anything or would like to talk private my (mb-only-justus) email mbsunnyd@yahoo.com.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunndale, thank you for your support. Here are the answers to your questions.

OC is a boy born Oct.2003. He is now 14 months old. We have had regular visits with him since late August. We are working with lawyers to determine CS and visitation schedule. Thus far, OW has been accomidating about visitation. Though, truth be told she doen't want her child to have anything to do with me. She says that she is afraid that he will think of me as a mother. I believe that was always an option when she had a child with a MM. My H did have a DNA test, and he is the father. I am in IC, MC and FC. I am staying with my H because I love him dearly, and we never had a bad marriage. He is a good person who made a terrible mistake. I like you have always loved children. Before I had mine I was a Special Ed. Teacher. I have feelings for the OC. It's just that I cannot get past the OW involvement. My H will always have to have some contact with her. I do try to make the best of this horrible situation, just at times it is overwhelming. Thanks for your support.

Well if you have a good attorney, it doesn't matter that she doesn't want you around the OC. He is a part of your H therefore, a part of your family, because of you staying and accepting him. I will say that in just about EVERY case here w/ C its a very hard to do. I have always beleived that C can be done and not live in a bunch of DRAMA Crap for the rest of your life. Well I still say it can happen. It just takes you and H being a team for what is right and best for the OC, and your child/ren.It takes the right attorney and alot of praying! As long as your H is proving to put you first! Being honest about the calls ect, then you are just going to have to start somewhere w/ the trusting issue. As long as he is being worthy of the trust, then you do at some point have to give it, in order to move on. You have to rebuild your M and the trust lost it takes time and gets easier w/time. Somedays I feel like its all falling apart inside too! Doubts creep back in and mind starts wondering. Thats what you have to work off is the fear of the unknown, no we dont know 100% for sure if the WS will relaps, or screw up again. But they (most) do learn from their mistakes. But I am glad you have found this site for the support it does help! I dont know what I would have done w/o these gals/guys!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D