I have become very fed up with playing this awful game by H and OW rules. I was going to call her H the other night and spill the beans about the A and the OC. Go figure when I Get up the nerve to do it, the number has been disconnected. Just my luck. OW is draging her feet about telling her H. My understanding is that she has custody stuff that needs to be done before she tells him. That is a load of BS! She just wants to get what ever she wants out of him before she tells him.

So, my question is should I write him a letter and if so what do I say. I know where he works but I don't want to drop this bomb on him at work.
Any tips?

Brandy,

I feel you have EVERY right to tell the OW's H. If she doesn't have the balls to do it herself, then someone else should. Is she leading her H on by telling him its his? That is disgusting. Just disgusting. I feel what you are going to. My H's OC is due in less then 3 weeks and I have YET to talk to the OW because I feel I wouldn't be too nice. Most of all, I feel like it wouldn't really help anything or prove anything. Good Luck with that! I can tell you too, that things do get better too.

Hi Brandy.. I have just read up on a few of your posts ... I am so sorry for this nightmare you are living out... its so sad that your H is playing such games with your life.

I have to just come out and say that your H is still having an A with this OW. No two ways about it. If, for some reason, he is NOT sleeping with her at this point- he is STILL, 100% still having an emotional A with her.

I don't believe for one second this was a ONS. And I dont' beleive for one second that this woman is calling on holidays and every day phone calls back and forth are about the baby/pregnancy. Even if they were.. THERE SHOULD BE NO REASON WHATSOEVER for this woman to have any access to your telephone(s) and H. Your H could not do anything to change/help the pregnancy - OC is NOT HERE and she IS MARRIED and being taken care of ANYWAY BY HER OWN H!!!

So lets see... this PIECE OF WORK has HER OWN and YOUR H to lean on and USE and RUIN their respective lives because SHE IS pregnant. She is a greedy and destructive HORRID woman to not tell her own H this-- YET DESTROY and INVOLVE your marriage - at her descretion? OH MY. I am so angry for you.

THE ANSWER IS YES YES YES you must RIGHT AWAY tell her H in any way you can. At work, at home- it is all going to kill him - the environment (work) totally sucks and that is where I fould out everything (lucky me).... it will hurt as much either way. In fact, being at work almost helped me to not do more damage on the moment of discovery because I feel I would have done something crazier than crazy if I were at home that second.....

TELL HIM and tell him fast. These 2 people (H and OW) are playing a sick game and you and her H are their game pieces- which they are controlling. This "woman" obviously is NOT that far into divorce proceeings-- I bet that is a huge LIE to protect, yet again, H and OW..... these WSes always say they are seperated or "getting divorced". Custody papers my A** !!! Watch how things change when you EXPOSE this woman to her H... I bet these disgustingly disrespectful phone calls to YOUR HOME will slow down or stop. HOW DARE SHE call YOUR HOME on Thanksgiving-- that is SO BOLD... how about YOU CALL HER HOME when you feel like it?? grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Brandy--- please---- you are a sitting duck for these two. I regretfully need to pound into your head-- again--- YOUR H IS STILL ACTIVELY HAVING AN A. You are now knowingly letting your H have 2 women and no consiquences. Do NOT allow this disgusting behaviour of theirs into your life. Take charge of YOUR life, protect YOUR SANITY. Hold YOUR HEAD high, do not freak..... EXPOSE this WRETCHED woman and this ONGOING A to her H... and then provide your H somehow, someway with the following fact----- YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SIT THERE WHILE HE HAS AN A,AND MAKES A DECISION ABOUT WHETHER he feels like being your H anymore. Let him see the plan A in you---

LOOK NICE each day... FIND ACTIVITIES that are for YOU..call your friends .... WORK OUT.. BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES..... let him know that YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT and that you are ALL THAT!!

My H responded to my absolule DIVA resurrection.... He had lost respect for me as a woman when I became so weak and so dependent on his love every SECOND and forgot about me- the STRONG and AWESOME woman I am. He actually said to me that I should pick myself up and that I should feel that I am ALL THAT again..and at that moment I was like "whaaaat???? how the HECK do you suppose I do that when you are destroying my life??" THEN it was like a ton of bricks fell on my head..DUH... HE WANTS A STRONG AND CONFIDENT woman who is NOT going to tollerate this mess anymore. I and you now are ALLOWING this man and OW to destroy YOUR LIFE AND YOUR SANITY-- this is NOT LIVING and you are the ONLY one in control of your life-- TAKE IT BACK please.

And that is what I did-- and the rest is history for the past 7 months.

You must show him that your feelings and your NEEDS are FIRST, even if he is not on board with that now-- he MUST see that you are not accepting this ongoing A-and there should NEVER, EVER be ANY reason for ANY CALLS to or from H-- unless she has a miscarriage or gives birth and he IS THE FATHER 100%. In the meantime- call her H or write him and lay out EVERY supporting fact so he KNOWS this is all true in spite of what this LYING OW will tell him.

Keep us posted and SO SORRY for what you are dealing with. ((((brandy)))) KEEP your HEAD UP and GET TOUGH HERE sweetie.

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 09:04 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Thanks for the support. My Mom told me I needed to do it the day after I figured out who OW was. Goes to show you should always listen to your Mom!

As far as I know her H doesn't even know she is pregnant. They are in the processes of divorce and she move out about 3 weeks ago. I try to tell my H that it could be her H kid, but I think he is just ignoring that idea.She goes to the Dr. Jan. 19 for blood tests (claims that is the soonest she can get in).All I want is for the tests to say that she is more than 15wks pregnant. Becaus than I know it is her H or some other mans. The results will more ten likeley be back around my birthday. She has to have th eworst timing in the world!

Ok- so you are going to expose her, when? NOW. And NOW she is moved out from her H.... great. Now she has ALL THE TIME AND SPACE in the world to attend to destoying further your M... she and H are planning behind your back- do you understand this, Brandy?

Do you understand that you are allowing your H to keep you in waiting while this woman and he plan to get you out of the picture? I HATE TO SAY THIS TO YOU, but being nice here with you is NOT being a "friend" or "supportive" to a fellow woman who is in the shoes that you are.

Don't feel bad about the tough love. I need it. I keep putting myself where I am. I am going to write the letter today. Luckily the weekend at work are slow and I can get it done. One thing that all of this has taught me is that I do have a voice and I can stand up for myself. The last few days I have been falling for the I love you's and tears (his not mine). It is time I open my eyes and give the B***H a taste of her own medicine! I will try my best to keeep you all posted and keep my head up. Thanks so much!

Well, I did it. the letter is written and will be put in the mail when I get home. I hope the OW has a fit when she finds out about it! Maybe she will see that I will not be a doormat. And maybe It will open H's eyes too. I have devoted the last 7 1/2 years to this man and it about d**n time he realize what he is going to lose! It makes me feel a little better to know that eventually they will both get their just desserts and their actions will bite them in the a** when they least expect it! Thanks again for the tough love.

I wish I had read this earlier.

I would have advised you to send it certified mail to make sure he signed for it and got it.

I would also have advised you to send him a note with the disclosure letter still sealed inside a manila envelope.

the note saying Warning Please go to a secluded - private place when you read the contents of the sealed envelope.
Hopefully this would give him a heads up not to do it in the middle of a room full of people.
Just my thoughts.

Did you give him a contact number for you so he could call you and ask you any questions?

I agree Cordelia... Brandy maybe after few days..I think you better contact the H just make sure he indeed recieved the letter....
Maybe you can leave a message at his work..telling him that there is a very important letter he is going to recieved through the mail....

Brandy you are doing the right thing. This H needs to know the truth. He has the right to make decision about his own future...

Be Proud. You probably are going save this man from a lot of $$$ in court...

I hope you left something in the letter where this H can contact you if he has too....

wiz

It is a cold day in h*** (Iowa) today. It is only 15 dereeegs and it is the 1st day i have smiled in a long time. I slept like a rock last night And have no regrets about the letter. I have finally convinced myself that what ever happens I will be ok. I know that I have a family and friends that will be there to help me along the way.

I did give a contact number in the letter. I left my cell number. Thanks for the advice about the certified letter. If it doesn't work the 1st time I will try it the next time. Maybe my H will see what he has to lose and if that means me leaving so be it. I hope that when he does realize it, it hits him as hard as it did me.

Thanks so much for the kick in the pants!

Bravo Brandy

You are giving this OP a fighting chance...he deserves to know....

I know this is very difficult time... but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror... and say..
"I done good!"

Bless you.
wiz

(((brandy))))


think of it this way- you will stand to lose MORE if you DIDNT mail it- dont you think?

take the little butt kickin and serve it back to H who needs a little tough love..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I believe H is begining to get irritated with the OW. She calls him constently and last night she called the bowling alley (he is on a leauge) because he wouldn't answer his cell. I asked what she wanted now and he said it was nothing inportant. I don't believe he was very pleased about it. From what I understand she is pushing him just as hard as I am to make a decision. I think if I keep my cool for awhile and not bring it up as often and not blow up every time she calls he will start getting really tired of her wimpering. Not really sure what she has to cry about anyway. I think she is starting to show her true colors!

Sunday afternoon I was talking to my mom on the phone when the call waiting beeped. I answered it and no one would talk to me. I wonder who it could have been. I no longer let H answer the house phone and when he is home and I am not I shut the ringers and answering machine off. Maybe she will get the hint.

H won't go to my family foe xmas beasuse they know wht is going on. He says he won't go where he's not wanted. They never said that and have promised me not to even bring the subject up. He is just being a chicken. I am going to his mothers and she knows whatis going on. I hide from them. I haven't done anything wrong. Either way I am goingto enjoy xmas with or without him. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season!

Brandy,

I think that you did the right thing. I think her H should know. The more the A and preg. is exposed the better chances you have of diminishing the A. They are both playing games, but I think the OP has more to lose because he will officially and legally be the father of this child if she is still married when baby is born. That my dear leaves your H out in the cold, but it obligates her H to support this child unless proven otherwise.

So please don't let him get blind sided as well with this whole mess.

You have the upper hand really because they don't believe you have the guts to do what you need to do to defend yourself. This is the first move in the power struggle for you. Don't lose your ground sweetie you've worked hard to get it!!


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My temper that has been held in check for so many years has been unleahed! And I am not sure it is such a good thing. It is either going to show H that I will not be a doormat or it will destroy any progress I have made so far.

The other night I went to bed and shortly after I did H went to his room (he has only slept in the same bed a few times over the last 2 months. His choice not mine). After I knew he was in bed I got up and got the phone. I have been trying to catch him talking to her for about a week now. As soon as I turned the phone one I heard them talking, and what I heard mad me REALLY mad! She told him he needs to quit putting it off (found out later the decesion she is refering to is me or her). She was asking him if I was asleep ( I had them both fooled)and telling him that they really need to talk. The part that still makes my indides roll is that the words "i love you" rolled right off his tongue. And before they hung up she told him to "think about us" That made me sick!

I toyed with the idea of not saying anything to him about hearing the conversation for about 2 seconds. My temper won. He tells me that if he is making me so miserable that i should just leave. As if it is that easy. I asked him to give me the next 7 monts with out her lurking in the background, to try and save us. He said he doesn't know why he should waste the time trying because I don't know if I will be able to stay once the kid is here. That is a slap in the face. If he claims he loves me as much as he does you would think he would want to try. But I am still the one giving up. I have told him over and over that it is still an A even though there is no sex. I don't think he gets it. I asked if he realized that if I walk away I will not look back. He takes all this too camly. He says the only time he knows how bad it hurts me is when he sees me like that (the raging teary eyed monster). That he doesn't realize it when he is doing it. I have never considered him a stupid person, but i am beginning to rethink that!

I told him to quit playing with my emotions. He can't come and go from my bed as he pleases and keep running to her. I have not mentioned anything since I yelled. I am determined to have a good xmas with or without him.

I keep going back and forth with myself about me leaving or kicking him out. If I leave, I will have to quit my job, find some where else to live, if I kick him out I may just kick him right into her house. He really needs time to think about this away from both of us. I am willing to do that, but I know that she won't. She seems to me to be needy and whines a lot and can't go a day without calling him.

Well, so much for keeping my cool.

What happened w/ the letter? THe OH should have gotten it by now right?

I would love to have seen that!

H has the NERVE to call OW, from your HOME, while you are there? Oh yah...he has NO respect for you does he?

Wouldn't her H have confronted her by now?
ANd then wouldn't she have told your H about it?

I don't believe it was really a ONS either.

I'm sorry. You sound strong--keep up the good fight & EXPOSE their sorry @$$es to all who will listen.. That'll take the wind right out of thier sails!!!!!!!!!!

You go-----------but I still want to know what happened to the letter-if you haven't heard anything.....then I would mail another copy--certified!


ooo
xxx
kt

Not sure what happened to the letter either. I haven't heard anything fron her H and she hasn't confronted me about and my H hasn't said anything either. I plann on resending it after xmas certified. And if I still don't hear anything from him I will knock on his door. It is time that she sweat a little! I think they both get a little nervous when I get groceries (they both work for a grocery store chain)They think I am going to make a scene. Well news flash, I am a much bigger person than that. She may be 5 years older than me ( she's 30, but I believe that I am the more mature of the two! At least I can go to bed at night and know that I was not the one to sleep with someone elses husband!

Amen sister!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
ooo
xxx
kt

Hello every one. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. This is going to be a long one so hang in there. Act 2 of this terrible play has just begun.

On Dec. 27 got home from work and H was nowhere to be found. He was off work at noon that day and hadn't been home at all. So I called his cell. Before I could hang up the phone he called be back. Said he was with OW and would explain later. I got really mad and said what did she have a miscarriage? Said some other not so nice things and he hung up on be. Called back & said that wasn't such a smart thing to do. He came home at 8pm. She did have a miscariage. He got very mad at me because I said I was glad. After We had both calmed down the phone rings and it was her. I told him to hang up he wouldn't do it. So, I picked up the other line. She had the nerve to tell me that she needed to have a private conversation with H. I said she had no right to call my house. H was really mad at me. I lost temper and slammed down phone charged down the hall and shoved him up against the wall and asked why I wasn't as important as her. He hung up. She called back. I unpluged the phone. Then she had the nerve to call my cell and leave a message. To make a long story short he is still mad at me. The next night he called and said he had to pick her up at the hospital. I was not happy. there has been a lot of yelling at my house. He thinks he is going to move out.

Dec. 29 H had to close the store that night. I started counseling that day also. About 8pm I was sitting in the chair reading when someone knocked on the door. The guy didn't even have to introduce himself. It was her H. He never did get the letter. That is how she got my cell number. We talked for a while. He kenw the affair was going on and had an idea she was pregnat. I told him everything I knew. He said that he was haing divorce papers served to her the next morning. The guy has everything documented, typed up and organized. i was impressed. He showed me where OW lives now. My H got very mad when found out was with her H. I was told that she has herpes. I go for STD tests Tuesday. Her sister has threatened me. And OW has been telling her H that Dave's wife is such a b***h. I have never met her before.

Dec. 30
After I got off work I went home and then went and sat in store paring lot for H to get off work. I made him go straight home. He made me seem like the bad guy because i was yelling. After I got calmed dowm we talked for about 3 hours. i did most of the talking as usual. He is still talking about moving out.

Dec. 31
We both called a truce for new years. I had supper and we were having a good time watching TV. About 9:30 the phone rings I answered. Asked who it was said it was "Tim" and wanted to talk to H. Gave him the phone. He hung up I aked who it was. It was her. She is really derprate now. I knew I should have shut phone off. She have a wonderfull way of ruining holidays. She called Xmas night too. After that shut ringer off on phone. She called twice and hung up on machine. Then I got up and shut off machine.

Jan.1
Sat and watched football all day. He said was going to go checke ice at 3:45pm (ice fishing)at 6pm I went to her house had his truck was there. He came home at 8pm. Asked where he had been. Said he was at her place because she wanted to talk. We talked a little. I told him how close I was to just giving up. Then we sat there in slience and I went to bed. Got up this morning and didn't really say anything to him. He was acting very nice to me. Now I am at work and know that he will more than likely see he or call her. He has monday off and I know the same will happen when I am at work.

I have learned that the OW has a few srews loose and her H says she has a way of wraping men around her little finger. She has told H that I said that he called her a cheap whore. I never did. I had to sware on my granfather's grave to get him to believe me. She is making up lies. Her sister threatened me and I am a little disturbed by that. Friday I got a call on my cell from a resticted number. When I answered they hung up. Her H has asked the cops to keep an eye on be because of her sister. I haven't done anyting. Why am I the one who has to worry about my safety? I am a little nervous about being home alone. never been that way before.

I wonder how I can deal with this much longer. I feel like I am living in a bad made for TV movie. I keep asking myself when it will all end. Sorry so long.

B.~

Sounds like it's Plan B time. He is not going to stop his behavior unless you show him you really mean business. You'll be surprised how quick they come around when they know you're not going to put up with any more BS. There is NO reason to have contact with OW. Take a stand. No more talking and trying to "reason" with someone who's in the "fog" state. He's not listening.

I wouldn't kick him out and I wouldn't move out either. Start doing your own thing. Don't come home from work right away, don't check up on him to make sure he's coming home from work, don't call him a hundred times a day, don't bring up OW subject. Take off to go somewhere at odd times even if you just go for a drive. He doesn't have to know where you went or what you did. Be evasive.

Also, start documenting hangup phone calls, phone calls from her etc. Read up on how to trace nusance calls and report them etc. There should be a part on it in your phone book. If not call the phone company. Believe me when they learn that they could be in trouble with the law for making phone calls, then the calls will stop.

Good luck. Stay strong and take care of yourself.