Hi everyone,

As I have been reading all the posts, I have realized that I am not alone with the OC stuff. The OW's due date is 1/3/05 and that is VERY close. I told my H that if I am at work, DO NOT CALL ME TO TELL ME. He said he wouldn't. My H is going to go to the hospital because he feels he needs too for the child. Well, I have my opinions. But what I am asking for is advice that the day is coming so soon. I thought I could be strong but me myself being pregnant as well, its hard. Plus with Christmas coming soon, its hard. I have a feeling that she is going to go on Christmas and TRULY ruin that day.......any advice or suggestions?

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Hurt5-04 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt5-04:
<strong> My H is going to go to the hospital because he feels he needs too for the child. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've never understood this statement, and I have heard/seen it a lot. The child will not remember whether or not its father was present at the birth! Being at the birth supports the mother, not the child.

well trust me, I have told my H that many times before about the child not knowing. So I really don't know why he is going. I do know that he doesn't want anything to do with her. I can tell you that my H is in the military and so was she. Because of this they both lost a rank. My H was close to making Chief and will never be able to make it now. So the A has F***ed up not only his personal life but now his career that he worked so hard for.

Hurt,

I know what you are going thru. My H was in the Navy as well. (retired) last DEC). I just wanted to let you know that this doesnt have to ruin your H's career. My H was a first class petty officer when the other women let the navy know what was going on. (she was navy also, and one rank ahead of him.) my H still made chief. She ended up getting medically discharged because she couldnt "handle" life without my H when we transferred away.
I didnt find out about the affair until March of 2001. Tylor (my stepson the OC) was almost 7 when I found out. the affair had been going on for 11 yrs.
When I found out bout my H's affair I contacted family support services and spoke to a councelor. (my H was stationed at Great lakes IL. and I was in Ark.) she made arragements for me to call my H's commander and talk to him directly about what was going on with me. His commander gave him 5 days emergency leave to come home so we could try and work things out.
When he went back to Great lakes, He did some counceling with the councelor that I had talked to.
Things can work out. Sounds to me like he is in a bit of a fog. If he thinks he must be at the hosp. when the baby is born.
I am sorry you are going thru this. please let me know if I can do anything to help you.
Where are you guys stationed at?

THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE MILITARTY!!!!!

Oh this makes me angry. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you.


Lori

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told my H that if I am at work, DO NOT CALL ME TO TELL ME. He said he wouldn't. My H is going to go to the hospital because he feels he needs too for the child. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is an issue with you, then you should make it very clear to him. There is absolutely NO reason for him to be there at the hospital during labor. If he wants to visit after the birth to see the baby then thats fine he could do it with you by his side.

With you being pregnant also this makes it all the more painful. He must take care of you first. Going to that hospital is a big mistake. It will just tear you up. Ask him if he is indeed serious about working on this marriage. Then tell him if he is serious then being at the birth is an absolute NO! Anything that will hurt you is a NO!

You both must work on your marriage together. Anything that hurts you or him for that matter will just hinder the process.

I am sorry that this is happening now. I cant imagine being in your situation and pregnant as well. I wish you strength.

Hurt...

I think you better sit your H down for a long talk. Don't let him bully you into thinking that by him being at the hospital when this twit goes into labour... that he's going for the baby sake. Thats a bunch of hog wash.

This can't be a bigger slap in the face... and huge insult to you...

I was in your position.. and I tell you..if my H was even in that hospital when the OW was in labour..that would have been a deal breaker for me. I would have divorced his sorry [censored] in minute...

I can't imagaine..the level of cruelity... some are willing inflict on another..especially their spouse...

Hurt5-04, if your H doesn't listen... I would really reconcider my position in your marriage if I were you. I can't imagine a bigger insult then this...

Good luck...

Wiz

Dont take this the wrong way & i dont want to upset any one but i was thinking maby your H wants to see the baby being born and cut the cord ?I know that is something you only want him to share w/ you and your baby and he did this to him self but what if this in some twisted way means something to him?? This is a no win situation and i am truly sorry you have to deal with this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm with Wiz!

If my H had set a foot in the hospital for the OW, I would have shoved the foot up his ___! Just like the fence pole! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can see you both going to the hospital after the baby is born to see him/her together. But NOT your H alone and during labor. Helping the OW through labor is an emotional attachment that should be saved for you only!!! Cutting the cord should be with you only!! If the OW wanted someone to support her through labor she shouldn't have laid with a MM to begin with. It is NOT your H's job to support her through labor. Only to see his child after it is born if he wants to.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Makes me mad!
You need to sit him down and tell him how much this hurts you! Those are moments that should be shared you two first and foremost! Let him know that he is making you second choice and it hurts!
Sorry, don't mean to sound so harsh but its the truth! OW should take care of herself and its not your H's job!
ok I'm pissed now so got to go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thank you everyone for your advice. This weekend I basically told him that if he goes, I will get a divorce. He agreed he would not be there because as time gets closer, she is getting more crazy. He also agreed to a paternity test. I'm sure most of you think, it shouldn't have been a question, but for my H to agreed to both it was a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE step for us.
Tylorsstepmom. Thank you for your post too. As for my H in the navy. He was stripped of his rank down to second class from first. He was SO close to making Chief. They aren't sure if he will be able to make it there. We are stationed on the east coast.....I really dont want to say where....sorry. But I appreciate your story.
As for my pregnancy, I know that I need to be strong for my baby and I am trying, but its so hard to try and GET beyond everything.....Tylorsstepmom, do you have an email address?
Thank YOU everyone!!! Please feel free to ask ?'s if needed. As for my H, I know he doesn't want anything to do with her now. The only reason why we are doing 50.50 custody is because we can't pay child support. We just can't afford it...........

Hurt I think that the hardest thing for me was the first time the OC called my H dad. When your child is born and you stare into the fact of something so innocent and feel no anger then you know you will get through this. When you look at the OC and have no resentment you will be okay. I found out the hard way I thought I could handle it and the more I have to see her and replay what happened between the two of them the more I lose it. Stay strong You are in my prayers.

Thank you Lias. Today I had a doctors appointment for a checkup and I got to hear the heartbeat again. It made me so sad and I broke down the moment I got in the car. With the OW being due in 11 days, I just can't seem to stop crying. It has gotten harder since I became pregnant and I am not sure how I am going to pull through........if I can.

Always be open and honest. No sense in hiding feelings now. Make sure you are clear and concise in what your needs are.

He should absolutely nothing to do with ow and oc until dna is established. Once it is declared his there are a few things you need to know.

1. OW controls nothing. If you and your husband want contact, no matter what the child's age is, the father has just as much right to that child as the mother. She can't play games with this. Do not accept her crap about child being to young. Since when is a child to young to be with their father?

2. OW is NOT part of your family. Do not treat her as such. There is no reason for her to be calling you for anything. Have everything pertainining to oc clearly written out. Child Support, visitation hours, etc. Then stick to it. Keep these papers with you. If she deviates at all, hit her with the law. Do not allow her to play manipulative games.

3. Keep clear logs on her behavior. Have caller id. Make her leave messages. That way you can have recordings of her should she start game playing. And as long as she knows she is leaving a message, it it legally admissable in court.

4. Make sure YOU want to deal with oc. If it is just financial reasons, that isn't good enough. Are you sure you want contact? If not, now is the time to bring it up or you will be resentfull later.

Understand that once oc is born and dna is established, her game is over. You and your husband now have all the choices. She may have chosen to keep this baby, but now the choices are yours. And she can't do a thing about it. You may choose no contact and she can't do a thing about it. Some families (mine for one), choose no contact from the get go. I would not upset or embarrass my children with the oc presence in our lives. My husband agreed, our children came first. Our ow was livid about that, but it was none of her business what he and I decided.

If you choose contact (and many have, Sunny for one), she still has no control. You and your husband can go and do whatever you want with the oc. She can't say that you can't pick up or drop off or whatever. She has to realize that you will be part of her childs live and to bad for her if she doesn't like it. That was her choice to have a baby with a married man. Remember, her problems are not yours. if she gets upset about baby oc going to daddy's, to bad. That is not your problem.

The OC is NOT the only person who counts here. Many (not all) ow assume that everyone should bow down to the oc. Nevermind that others, such as the wife and her children have feelings. Do not fall for that. You and your child, within your marriage, supercede the needs and wishes of the oc. Your feelings count. You do matter. Don't ever fall for "what is best for the oc" Cause what is best for the oc, may not be what is best for you. What "best for the oc" means is "to heck with anyone else" DO NOT FALL FOR THAT.

LYnn

All i can say is GOOD Points, so well thought out and it is the truith.

Hi, hurt

my e-mail address is lorianne72947@yahoo.com

They sure busted him down alot. That is crazy.
Just let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
I have friends in Virginia that may be able to help.

Lori

Yes, I think it wasn't fair in regards to stripping him. His career has had so many positive awards, attitude, behaviors and so on and never did anything wrong. As for her, I believe she should have because this was her second time at Captain's Mass for the SAME THING.......but I did email you...thank you and to everyone, thank you for the support. I do hope that soon it gets easier. Like I've said before, I feel like I am not being a good mom to my baby who I know can feel every emotion even though in my stomach still.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt5-04:
So I really don't know why he is going. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry ... if you make a reasonable request that your H NOT go to the birth ... and he goes anyway ... the level of disrespect for you and your feelings means the situation after the affair has not risen to the level of "recovery"...

If this is a deal-breaker boundary for you ... be sure you let your H know in no uncertain terms that if he goes he has hurt you and the marriage may not recover.

Clear concise and direct and honest communication.

Like this ---> "If you go to the birth knowing it damages our marriage ... I will fully realize you are not committed to our marriage, or my personal well-being."

Pep

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

You and your husband can go and do whatever you want with the oc. She can't say that you can't pick up or drop off or whatever.

Actually this isn't true. It really depends on the stipulations of one's agreement. I know I have in my agreement that I have the right to ENTER and APPROVE locations for visitations and this was approved after the judge saw that there was so much conflict between us (due to my ex's new girlfriend) that most of my stipulations was entered into including a stepped visitation agreement in which 26 four to six hour supervised visits had to be completed before overnights were even agreed to.

So please don't kid yourself. We, being the custodial parent and not just necessarily the OW, have plenty of say if contact is chosen.

Dear Hurt,
Pep is correct, it's a definate deal breaker if your H goes to the hospital.

That being said:
My H was thrown out of our home and begging to come back BUT! he went to see oc after the birth and never told me

It has a lot to do with what Stormy said. Ow acted as if I didn't exist and bucked every attempt at my being present for visits...had the supervised visits set up at her home *laughing now at her stupidity* it was not about the oc EVER but her alliance with a married man, my H!

Long story short, H didn't "show up", he eventually gave up and we have been reasonably happy since NC.
Except we moved and we are awaiting the "raise in CS" she's asking for now moved until 05. Her and her H must not have liked the letter our attorney sent asking the STILL MARRIED ow for hers and her H's income....*laughing again* because she went against a RO and called H's cell asking for a few minutes AND sent a weird letter from a newspaper with headlines saying: Watch Your Back, They'll Rob You Blind an article about home mortgages which we do not need.

It's at the crime lab now as we suspect she sent it...how will that look in front of a judge?

Just telling you that even after you two discuss he should never show his face until DNA, he may well sneak.

Doesn't mean the end of the marriage.

Do not allow him to tell you you need to accept anything you can't.

He is confused and "foggy" now...he will most likely see the light and be with you and your unborn child forever, however, do a quick plan B if he goes to the hospital and you (rightly so) object.

You do not have to do a thing for the ow! You owe her nothing!
Your H needs to show you he wants you...draw a line in the sand if you cannot come to an agreement and stick by it. It will be hard to do, but what can be harder than finding out what you already know?

Lynn also has a world of wisdom and I thank her for telling things from my POV also....thankyou LynnG!

This Christmas I wish you Blessings from above. I wish I could change everything I read here for the better.

Best wishes dear.
love
Debi

Stormy, point taken.

However, a couple should have sound legal advice. Such as stay away from the ow. Have all dealing done through an attorney. Do not even so much as give her the time of day UNTIL ALL LEGALITIES are completed. Have DNA done immediately. Follow the law to the letter. There will be 18 years to adjust and to gain a semblance of peace. Until things are calm, no need to be friendly.

When going for joint custody, or visitation it is quite obvious that that would be the time to discuss pickups/dropoffs, etc. That is where it is important to set up boundaries. Boundaries that make logical sense. That step mom is an appropriate person to facilitate those needs, if need be. It is also vital that if this couple wants contact that they get it. That child is just as much his as the ow. She can pump if need be. I find it to controlling when I read how ow suddenly feel it is THEIR baby and THEY will call the shots. WRONG. If the father wants contact, he has just as much right to that child as the ow. Actually, thinking back, my husband and I shared midnight feedings with our children. We took turns. There is no reason why a father can't be trusted to care for his child.

OW need to realize that it isn't just their child, IF HE IS GOING TO HAVE CONTACT. She can't dictate when/where anymore then he can dictate to her. BOTH parents are entitled to that child 50/50. The ow can't have it both ways. They want the money. They want the father in the childs life, then cry foul when his wife spends time with the child????

Good solid legal advice is mandatory. This is not the time to make side deals, or to trust anyone. Once things are set legally, should trouble arise, nobody (and this includes ow too) can get yanked around.

Once things are set legally for child support and visitation (to have or not) then it is time to speak to a financial attorney. How can you secure family finances for the family it was intended. It sounds hard. BUT, we are 10 months away from having child support done. We did some LEGAL moves that kept my husbands income lower, thus able to save money for our future. Well that is here now. It may have crimped us for a while, but we have a nice retirement set up. Look into things like that. Retirement can't be attached to any legal suits. You need to talk to an attorney about how to defer income LEGALLY. But that can be done after oc is born and the immediate details are taken care of.

It pays both emotionally and financially to read and get educated. Knowledge is power afterall. Sure, you will get hit with child support. That is unavoidable. HOWEVER, with proper investment, you can make some adjustments in how he is compensated. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO AN ATTORNEY ABOUT THIS. Let them know what is going on, and what you are trying to do

As for feeling blue....don't. It is a waste of time. Enjoy your pregnancy. You are NOT a lousy mother. You are a woman who has been dealt a raw deal. You have chosen to stay with your husband and no reason to let this destroy you. You can and will be happy. So,read this sight and learn. Now is NOT THE TIME for weakness and pity me parties. Now is the time to be proactive. This is your marriage, so stand up and fight for it. He is your man, the father of your child and he is with you. So read this sight and TALK about your needs. What do YOU want. He can't force you to accept this oc into your life anymore then you can force him to not see oc. You BOTH need to be 100% agreeable to whatever it is you decide on doing. If you can't agree, then you have a big elephant on the table don't you?

If you end up with contact, when you never wanted it, you will end up resentfull and it will evenutally rear it's ugly head. So to will he if he agrees to no contact just to appease you. This has to be addressed. HONESTLY.

So dear,sweet Hurt5-04, stand up and be strong. Take care of you and that will naturally take care of your precious little baby on the way!

I will promise you one thing. Of this you can count on. YOU WILL BE FINE. This is not the worst thing that can happen in life. You will be happy. You will have birthday parties, holidays, family trips, everything. No matter what.

So for now, read this sight and take care of you!!

LynnG

Your BRILLIANT!!! Bravo! Bravo!! **clapping** <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />