Seven years ago, my H and I were having problems. He had an affair and a child was conceived. For the first 1-4 years, he dealt with the C and O/W behind my back. When I found out, and asked H why couldn't he talk to them in my presence. He told me that he didn't feel he had to talk to them in my presence. I felt like nothing. As far as I know, it stopped.

Now we are having problems again, I am ill, been out of work for approximately 8 months. I guess H is getting frustrated and it's starting again. H told me that he felt it was time for him to establish a relationship with the C. The C is young and H has to go through the OW. I've been checking his cell phone and noticed he calls them everyday. He calls OW's house and her mother's house. When I asked him why can't he call them from home...his response was he don't feel that he has to talk in front of me.

My thing is that if it's not going back to the A, and there is nothing going on, why can't he talk in front of me.

When I am at my lowest, this is when he decides to do this and say such harsh things to me. It only leads me to believe that it is starting all over again.

Please give me your insight.

Thanks.

Married 24 years 12/04
2 boys (23 y.o. and 17-1/2 y.o.)
Affair 1996
Child Born 1997 <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sour & Bitter

I am sorry you are here. Welcome.

Can I ask you something? Why are you letting your H get away with this. He knows he can do this...and he always has done this?

I think the ball is in your court now... I think you have some serious decisions to make...

Have you read Plan A/B? Take the time and read...

You have already lived with this for 7 years.... Can you live another 7 years like this? If you can answer that..I think you have your answer...

The only person that can make the difference in this? Is you!

Can you tell us little more about your situation? Sounds to me that you had problems with your H before the OW/OC came on the scene?

wiz

Hi Wizard:

I'm glad you responded. It all started when I took on a job as a Office Manager at a Construction office. I worked with approximately 7 men, who all knew my H. He was introduced to all of them, he came to the office often, there was nothing to hide. Very often, I had to go to other departments to handle department business. If he called my desk and I wasn't there, I had to be doing something wrong. My hours were 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. My work place was about 10-15 minutes from home. I could not leave at 5:00 p.m. everyday, being an office manager and there were clerical staff under me. If there was a problem or something was not complete at the end of the day, I had to stay with them to make sure everything was finished before leaving. If I was not home by 5:15 - 5:20, there was a big mess.


Once I was at lunch and my boss answered by phone and he got very ugly with him...asking who was he to answer my phone. I thought that was out of order.

On the other hand, on his job, he has to deal with females, but that was part of his job. I did not think different.

This is when he felt insecure and thought I was messing around.

This is when he first started talking with the O/W. H went to her for her opinion. Wrong decision.

We talked about the C and came to the conclusion that if I was included in the decisions, I would be there for him. For a while it was good. Now, I can't work and I guess he feels that he has the upper hand because I cannot contribute to the household like I did for the past 24 years.

To try to make up, sick and all, I clean, cook and wash. All he has to do is work. Everything else is done. I don't see where the problem is. I always thought that our vows said for better or worse, for richer or poorer?!@#$

Now, I am insecure because I feel he is going about dealing with the O/C and O/W the wrong way.

Oh, another thing...he is acting very ugly with my whole family. He speaks to them when he feels like it. My family is (was) closer to him than his own family. My parents do and did more for him that his own mother.

I want to leave because I cannot take the verbal abuse, but not having an income, where do I go. Everyone tells me not to leave my home.

My mind is so boggled, I can't even think straight. But this is how it all started and where we are now.

Listen to this...H once told me that the O/C does not know him. Now, all of a sudden a 7 y/o who does not know her father can hold a 25-30 minute conversation.!@# In the middle of their conversation, H asked the O/C if she knew who she was talking to and she said yes, my daddy.

To me, there is more going on than he is leading me to believe. I don't know when they talk, other than when I check the cell phone. H is not open with me with this situation. If things are going to work with us and he wants me to trust and understand, I think I should know what's going on.

How strange is this? I found out that they both work for the school system in our city. He told me he just happened to run into her at one of the schools. I asked him which school? When he told me, I said okay. The next day I saw the log of the schools he did work at, and that school was not on it. When I asked him about it, he asked me, "what, are you keeping tabs on my whereabouts?"

That why I don't know what to think. But he wants me to trust him.

Please help!

Hi S&B - your H and my H sound a LOT alike. My situation is newer, and I have gotten the strength to leave thru my girls on this board and my friends at home! Although I am young and able to work, I can't imagine feeling stuck like you must feel. My H talked the "I'm so sorry, I love you, please forgive me" but his actions were just like your H - getting mad at ME for asking questions about what he's doing when HE is the one who broke the trust!! My H is also very verbally abusive, so I know how they can make you feel lower than dirt just with words. All I can say is I believe there is a solution to every bad situation and if you truly want to save yourself then you will be shown the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It took me a while to realize my H will never change, OW/OC or not. Fortunately I am getting out before this baby is even born so I will NEVER have to deal with that!! The OW still calls my house looking for my H and I have to use every bit of strength I have to NOT show her that she bothers me. I cuss her sideways when I hang up though!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyways, I pray for you (and all my sisters on MB!) daily and I hope you are coping as well as you are able...

Hi ya'll:

I have to post the comment my H made to me. I noticed lately he's calling more and talking longer. I know a 7 y.o. cannot hold a conversation that long (25 minutes, 33 minutes) with someone they barely know. Sometimes longer and sometimes shorter. (maybe I'm wrong).

When I told him that I am willing to work with him with the O/C, but not so much with the O/W. He told me I had to wait until he got his foot in the door first then we can work together. I asked what did he mean my get his foot in the door first, he said, well, that is my daughter's mother. I just can't get over that statement.

Am I being too sensitive?

Please help!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sour & Bitter:
<strong> Seven years ago, my H and I were having problems. He had an affair and a child was conceived. For the first 1-4 years, he dealt with the C and O/W behind my back. When I found out, and asked H why couldn't he talk to them in my presence. He told me that he didn't feel he had to talk to them in my presence. I felt like nothing. As far as I know, it stopped.</strong>

What makes you think it stopped? He was going behind your back for 4 years? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> knock knock...hello? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<strong>Now we are having problems again, I am ill, been out of work for approximately 8 months. I guess H is getting frustrated and it's starting again. H told me that he felt it was time for him to establish a relationship with the C. The C is young and H has to go through the OW. I've been checking his cell phone and noticed he calls them everyday. He calls OW's house and her mother's house. When I asked him why can't he call them from home...his response was he don't feel that he has to talk in front of me.</strong>

CLASSIC "I-get-defensive-because-I'm-really-hiding-something" behavior! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<strong>My thing is that if it's not going back to the A, and there is nothing going on, why can't he talk in front of me.</strong>

I think you KNOW the answer to that question. I'm so sorry.

<strong>When I am at my lowest, this is when he decides to do this and say such harsh things to me. It only leads me to believe that it is starting all over again.</strong>

First, know that it has NOTHING to do w/ you. It sounds like he was being deceptive even before you were @ your lowest. You are more insecure now so it's probably magnified. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. NOONE deserves to be treated like this.

So you feel you are in a financial bind right now? File for a legal separation. You still have a minor child that is entitled to CS & you should be entitled to some form of alimony. Is there a family member you can live w/ until things settle down?

READ up on PLAN B on this site. IT has proven to be VERY useful. Did you guys get ANY counseling when you discovered the A? That might be useful too.

But it does take 2 willing spouses to save a marriage. H must be willing to STOP the A, STOP C w/ OW ect. for any recovery to begin.

You are in the right place to get support. Stand up for yourself....no matter how much it hurts.

There is no excuse for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. And YES, you are allowing it.

READ EVERYTHING on this site. There is VERY useful info in support of your marraige. Sometimes the ONLY kind of LOVE that works is TOUGH LOVE!


sincerely,
kt

Hello Sour,

Sorry u r here, but nevertheless welcome.

Classic behavior from your husband...he is most likely still having an affair w/OW...and as far as the 7 yr old talking on the phone...it is because OW tells her to call, or he is making it his business to call...kids that age don't have the concentration level to hold a convo for that long...kids would rather be watching tv, or playing or doing what kids do...that is a load of crap. (Been there). Your H thinks he is hiding his 2nd family from u. U don't have any kids from this man, thank goodness, so I would cut my losses now. He is being verbally abusive to u, and he knows u r sick...what kind of man is that? Go stay with your parents or relatives. Don't subject yourself to his foolishness. Sorry to be so blunt, but your H is a selfish person ( I wanted to say pig) who thinks that he can do whatever he feels without considering your feelings. Its wrong. Let him go be with his extended family...I bet the thrill will be gone once u leave, and he will see that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Take care. Just my opinion...follow your heart, but use common sense.

Hi Gofigure:

I want to let you know that we do have kids together (23 y.o. and 17-1/2 y.o.).

But listen to the latest. Approx. 3:00 a.m. Tuesday, he said he wanted to talk. I was a bit hesitant, but I went into the bedroom. We started talking. One thing led to another and he said to me that we don't respect one another, he doesn't respect me and I don't respect him. One minute later, he said that he respected them. I asked, who is them? He told me the O/W and her mother; and that I just want him to act ugly towards them. I never said anything about acting ugly with anyone.

I then asked him, what are they doing to deserve respect? My definition of respect is admiration, consideration, honor, recognition, notice, prize, etc. That says a lot to me. I thanked him for his honesty. Then he tells me, there you go with that crazy thinking, and that it's all about the little girl. The nerve of him.

He must think I fell off a pineapple tree.

If you read my previous post, I mentioned that he does not feel that he has to call them or conversate with them in my prescence...but nothing is going on. I told him that if he could not talk to them at home or while I am around, I was going to think different. Because if nothing is going on and nothing out of the ordinary is being said, then why can't he talk in front on me.

I have come to the conclusion, thanks to you all and my family, that I will move on.

Thanks for listening and replying.


S&B
Married 24 years
2 Young Men: 22 and 17
O/C: 7 y.o.

Hi Everybody:

It's me again. My H and I just had a discussion about our marriage. He told me that he is not happy because I nag him about the way he wants to deal with the O/W and O/C.

We came to the conclusion that he will leave.

He's throwing away 24 years of marriage because I won't let him deal with his extended family like he wants. Oh well!

So as far as I'm concerned, I will give him what he wants.

S&B

Hi Sour,

Keep your head up. Your husband is just so involved in his 2nd family that he can not see straight....I can see him crawling back after OW shows her true colors....yeah, he thought the grass was greener, but he will be in for a rude awakening...now whether u choose to listen to his way too late babbling when he realizes this is on u. No one can knock u for trying to save your marriage... remember this, no matter how bad the circumstances are.

Take care.