kt,
Oc turned 3 07/04. I found out about A 03/02, oc was nine months. H found out at same time when she asked for paternity test and wanted cs, that is when he had to tell me. To be honest with you I don't know specifics of A. H said he wanted to block it all out, from bits and pieces I can gather, it was a short lived thing, that ended before he ever knew she was pregnant. She is now three and a half, the reason it is being brought up now, is for all these years, hte subject was not even up for discussion. H knew the mere thought of a mention of ow, or oc sent me into hysterics, I mean literally I was like a crazy woman, who screamed for days, so h learned not to even think he was going to mention them. We went to counseling off and on over the years, couldn't find one I liked, and wHen I did, she moved. This past summer I started a new counselor, and she suggested maybe try c, or not she said she wasn't pshing me just laying out the options, I think I grew up fast this summer and healed a lot. H has never had c with her that I know of, at least he says so, last Christmas I busted him, he bought her gifts, he said to lessen the guilt he felt and he told me he took them to ow at work, I later called ow and found out h took them to her house, after ww III, he said that I could never imagine the guilt he felt, as he could never understand mine, but he thought that the gifts would lessen a little, he would see what it was like to have c with her, then he was going to tell me, but then after it blew up in his face, he realized that was not the best descision he could have made. That was last Christmas, when her birthday rolled around July 04 was about the time the couselor suggested we see her, we sent a card, and attempted c, but ow did not want me present. It took a few attempts and finally in 9/04 she agreed to c with me there. We met ow and oc at fast food restaurant, without our children, for about and hour and half, it went well. H never spoke of issue again, one day her said he wanted to call and check on her, but never did. Then he mentioned Christmas gifts again this year and that's what brought about htis thread. It's funny how time gets by you. It seems like yesterday he told me about oc, and now she is three. After paternity was est, they went for cs est and visitation was set however the two of them agreed upon, as long as oc was picked up and dropped off at ow house. I read the court documents myself. H said it was because at the time she was so small, only nine months. In the flip side of this, ow has never that I know of attempted to est c either. In the beginning she would c H's cell phone a lot for stupid, pety things, I mean stupid things that would inferiorate me, because I told h, I am a woman she is just trying to talk to you, she would call for things like...is there a pharmacy card withthe ins, and on the ins card big as day it states this is your pharm and medical card, finally he had to stop answering her calls all together and she finally backed off. Every once in a while she slips up with a stupid one, like the other day she wanted to know if any of our children had their tonsils removed? Maybe it's b/c I'm a nurse but I was like duh!! tonsilitis is not hereditary, but oh well. I know h is not lying to me and i have to believe what he tells me as far a details of A. He has changed he is not the same man I married, nor is he the same man he was during the A, aside from dealing with oc, our marriage has never been stronger, deep down I am saddened because I know part of my life is a lie due to denial of oc, but as for now I'm trying to get by one day at a time as stated above. When I confronted H this past weekend I don't know if you read it or not, his response to c with oc, was she is not doing without, and she has never known any different, she has never known a father, I know it's a shame, and that's what hurts me, but it is the truth, like it or not. Thanks for listening!
Yelo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Yelo says:
Every once in a while she slips up with a stupid one, like the other day she wanted to know if any of our children had their tonsils removed? Maybe it's b/c I'm a nurse but I was like duh!! tonsilitis is not hereditary, but oh well.

Really? I'm not doubting you but both my twins had to have them removed and adnoids. It's not part of the problems that go with it herdeitary? Don't mean to threadjack, but you just caught my EYE on that one Yelo. I've been waiting for my baby to have to have her's taken out too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

Whew! We have so much in common, I can really relate to a lot of your story now! Thanks for sharing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yelodazee:
<strong> kt,
I found out about A 03/02, oc was nine months.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I found out when OC was 6 mos (I thought she was 9 mos) when OW contacted H legally to change OC name. RIght there w/ ya'!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>........To be honest with you I don't know specifics of A. H said he wanted to block it all out, from bits and pieces I can gather, it was a short lived thing,...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what my H said/says too. It leaves me w/ many unanswered questions though & since having a few 'discussions' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> w/ OW where she volunteered lots of info....a few major discrepencies too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I have to accept that there are some questions that will never get answered & that is HARD for me! I am the type that always wants to figure things out. kwim? But I am sloooooooowly getting used to it. What other choice do I have?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>....... This past summer I started a new counselor, and she suggested maybe try c, or not she said she wasn't pshing me just laying out the options, I think I grew up fast this summer and healed a lot.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is great. So the counselor must have realized that this was YOUR personal issue as well? So who's idea was it H or yours?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>H has never had c with her that I know of, at least he says so, last Christmas I busted him, he bought her gifts, he said to lessen the guilt he felt and he told me he took them to ow at work, I later called ow and found out h took them to her house, after ww III, he said that I could never imagine the guilt he felt,....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yah, not one of his brightest ideas hanh? Which bothered you more? The C OR LYING about the C? H never C OW after A but....he was still lying to me by not telling me the true nature of their A. He only mentioned what he had to to save his butt! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And refused to ever talk about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>.............Then he mentioned Christmas gifts again this year and that's what brought about htis thread. It's funny how time gets by you. It seems like yesterday he told me about oc, and now she is three. After paternity was est, they went for cs est and visitation was set however the two of them agreed upon, as long as oc was picked up and dropped off at ow house. I read the court documents myself. H said it was because at the time she was so small, only nine months.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So why not go w/ the visitation that is already established? That could relieve some of the stress that can be brought on by having this sprung on you every few months instead of having either an established visitation schedule OR being clear on NC?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>In the flip side of this, ow has never that I know of attempted to est c either. ...........I know h is not lying to me and i have to believe what he tells me as far a details of A. He has changed he is not the same man I married, nor is he the same man he was during the A, aside from dealing with oc, our marriage has never been stronger, deep down I am saddened because I know part of my life is a lie due to denial of oc, but as for now I'm trying to get by one day at a time as stated above.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand completely! So maybe OW is content w/ how her life is going as well & would appreciate some stability too & NOT unexpected visits whenever H feels a little guilty. It is a good thing if she has also moved on w/ her life. This can be confusing for her too, not knowing when xMM is just gonna show up or what.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>When I confronted H this past weekend I don't know if you read it or not, his response to c with oc, was she is not doing without, and she has never known any different, she has never known a father, I know it's a shame, and that's what hurts me, but it is the truth, like it or not. Thanks for listening!
Yelo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, that IS the truth. IT's also a consequence. We all have them. This can't be easy for anyone. but....life goes on. I don't think it's right either for H to keep popping in every 6 mos. That won't be healthy for you, your family, OW, H OR OC. Get on w/ your lives, one way or another & let OW & OC get on w/ it as well. kwim?

What do you think about that? If you think you can handle C @ this point in your marraige then do it legally (according to the court order) & stick w/ it. If not, that's ok. Then don't. H is naturally going to feel some guilt over this. He would be a robot if he didn't. Some therapy/counseling would probably be good to work through that. But it's not gonna get better popping in & out just to try to appease it.

Look how far you 2 have come. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Your marriage is, overall, strong & healthy w/ respect to this unresolved issue. Good job. Sometimes you don't even realize how far you have come do you?

Men are different & handle things differently. You think my H is happy that his 'daughter', that we tried so hard to have in our lives for over 2 years.....has no father in her life now? No way. But he knows that @ this point, it was impossible, so he appreciates what he does have. (our kids & me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Some day, we expect that it may be different, maybe not. BUt we hope. For now, we correspond through the mail. OC never responds but people always tell us she will when she is older. I don't know if that is true or not but......only time will tell.

And the truth of it is: OW wanted it that way as well. She was establishing her own life & we were just a complication. OW had her own issues & having to see us, as a couple & a loving family, getting to enjoy 'her' daughter was NOT part of her plan. And the fact that 'her' daughter also enjoyed time w/ us......that does not make for a happy OW! WE were the bad guys, always would be so...she did everything possible to make it extremely difficult for us. And it worked. IT took awhile for us to realize that.

SO anyhoo.....my point is.....to really sit down & POJA what you 2 want to do & stick w/ it. It's hard to face & accept that you (H) created such an ugly situatin & everyone has to pay a price but it's the truth.

kwim?

Hope this all made sense. I know how wordy I am! LOL

ooo
xxx
kt

kt
I would like to correspond with you privately, let me know what you think, reading your stats with have a lot in common, we were married around the same time, have children the same ages, plus all the other unfortunate garbage! Let me know what you think.
Yelo

sure, no problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'll post my e-addy tomorrow, because I think you are usually on during the day right? (or @ least My day. lol)

Are you a member of SistersbyFire board?

You can request to become one if you want & my email address is on there.

here is the link to request membership:
http://groups.msn.com/MBSistersbyFire/welcome.msnw

@ least I think that is it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyhoo....I'll post my email in the morning.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
ooo
xxx
kt

Hey guys - wanted to put my two cents in! yelo - you are in good company; kt, giovanna, and the girls have helped me tremendously! My H and I had problems from day 1 (4 years ago) but I wanted to save him and make him into the man I wanted for the sake of our son (now age 3) and I hit my limit in April 2004. Kicked him out, let him back in, kicked him out again in August, he had A in September, confessed in October, then found out about OW pregnancy soon after and told me about it as well. At first I wanted to keep on trying and keep on with MC but then I guess I hit the wall when I realized even without this A and OW/OC he still is not respectful and loving to me 100% of the time, and I deserve better. I am trying to get him to realize we are over, but he is so used to me changing my mind that he still is waiting for me to say 'oh well no I really want you to come home.' NOT!! Anyways, what I wanted to say was the reason I decided to leave (other than the prexisting problems) was that after all I had taken from him he went out and did this A, was absolutely irresponsible since he used NO protection, could have given me all kinds of diseases, and made this baby with her after he knows all I have wanted this whole year was to have another baby but since he couldn't hold a job them we didn't get pregnant together yet he could go be irresponsible and make a baby with someone else. Sorry, but for me that was a deal breaker. Bottom line is God wants you to be true to YOURSELF and not give up who you are in your soul to live some kind of life you think you should because "they" tell you so. I never expected my H to have NC with this child because his father basically abandoned him and he would never do that to his own child. So the fact is I would either have to accept this OC and never be angry or hurt about it again or I could say NO I WON'T and I don't have to; so that is what I did. SOunds like you and your H have a better realationship now which is good - sounds like he is really being proactive about keeping you and your marriage solid after his mistake. It is so hard to come to your own answers, but only YOU know what you can handle...and if you try and fail, do NOT think you failed because of some weakness within you - you do what you think is best for you and your children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

missed you I guess........

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
ooo
xxx
kt

ETA: gotcha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Have a Happy New year & I will talk to ya' next year! LOL (I love saying that. lol)

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>