Hello to everyone that has given me such great support and advice thru my ordeal with the H, his A, and the coming OC. I have come to a point where I feel like my husband does not want to put forth any sympathy or support for me. I think even if there was no A or OC I would still be at the conclusion that I just cannot live like this anymore. He does not respect me, he does not care about anyone but himself, and he only speaks kindly to me during MC sessions. He has had the same problems for four years, and I am just tired of him hurting me. I do not believe I should have to once more pay the consequences of his irresponsible actions, I should not have to deal with this OW and OC for the rest of my life, and I deserve someone who loves me 100% of the time, whether we are getting along or not. It has been a tough road for me, and it has not been an easy decision to make, but I truly believe in my heart that it is the best thing for me and my son. Good luck to you all in your daily dealings with this situation - you are all good strong women, and remember that forever!! Don't ever let anyone (including your H) make you feel any different. My thoughts and prayers are with you always, and I will be visiting the site to keep up with all of your stories...

I'm sorry to hear this.

I can't tell you to do anything different.

It is always sad when one party just won't do what it takes to repair things, when they are just plain unwilling.

IT is a hard thing to deal w/.

Be sure to take care of yourself.
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Have you tried a plan B though?
Sometimes that is all it takes to change a marriage around for good.


ooo
xxx
kt

WWTD, I agree with KT. That the plan B is the best thing you can do now. This will give you time to continue IC and heal. I hope he continues IC also. I think this time of the year makes everyone crazy, cause I know I have had my days here lately. But keep working on you and I think that is what you are doing and taking care of your son. Your H will one day wake up and face the biggest mistake of his life!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Our problems stem further than Plan B - he hasn't talked to her, she has started to call my house but gets no answer (she only calls when she thinks I am not there). That is really not the issue right now. The issues are still there from before all this A mess started. He just doesn't respect me, plain and simple. And the worst part is he doesn't even realize it. He asked me today "I am doing what you wanted (not talking to OW) what else do you want me to do?" Well, we have only talked about what I want from him about a million times inside and out and he still acts like he just doesn't know. If he is truly that oblivious, he's never going to change any time soon and I am too young to waste more of my life on someone who can't learn how to treat someone he supposedly loves. He is irresponsible and does nothing to prove to me that he wants to be the man I need to be my husband, yet when I spell it out for him he still doesn't get it and walks around acting like he doesn't know what my problem is...I just can't keep chasing my tail...His problems are deep character flaws and more than one counselor has told me that he cannot and will not change these parts of himself; they are steeped into his core and are just part of him. Well, I don't like it and I don't like the way he makes me feel anymore.

Wondering.....

I think at age 26 you could start over and barely remember this hell of a marriage you have had.....

I am not a typical MBuilder I suppose.. because I know what it is like when there is just too many problems and bricks put in the wall---- to even want to waste your precious young life tearing down again...... the fight is hard enough when your heart IS still 100% into the man... but when (like you).. there is much more than just OW/A/OC problems- I dunno- I am just not a big advocate of staying.

I think we all know when we have personally exhausted all of our efforts .... and we are wise to get a grip on the reality of life passing us by so quickly, that we want to follow our dream of finding love that we know we should have.

I wonder daily if I will last w/my H- even if he was "perfect" the rest of our lives... I fear I will find myself completely not in love with him after more time passes. I feel it creeping up on me some days. We fight and fight like heck to save our M.. to keep our H.. to be better for them, for us, for the kids, etc.. and then one day you wake up and POOF you dont want them anymore, anyway....

If you KNOW you are preserving YOU by divorcing- I say you should.

I agree with Giovanni, your young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. It's best to leave now, then get in really deep. Who knows if you stay you could wake up a 40 yr old woman and realize you just spent half your life working to save a marriage, instead of enjoying it.

Thanks giovanna and angel - I am really to that point where I can no longer agree to be a martyr and sacrifice myself for my H or our marriage. Our MC even told me that, and has been trying to get me to see that my H is who he is and will not change. And I do NOT want to wake up at 40 with two or three more kids and say "holy s**t what am I doing here???"
I am young, I am strong, and I can do much better than what my H has given me in the last 4 years. And I do not deserve to be forced to be a step-mom to an illegitimate child and have to deal with this OC's looney mother for the rest of my life. My son deserves to know that the way his father has been is wrong and his mother respected herself enough to say 'no more.' I refuse to let him learn bad lessons from his father. Well, hope you all have a great holiday!!! And thank you so much for the words of encouragement :-)

How have you gotten the strength to do what you are doing. I feel like you are telling my story. I do love him, but he says he has this connection with her that he does not have with me. Says he wants to want me, but just doesn't right now. I too am wondering what to do. I just want someone to give me the same love that I give them and feel like I deserve it. I have made the changes he has asked for, he is showing me very little in the way of loving me more than anything. don't know when I am supposed to pull that trigger.

Crews, MOST time, people in affairs FEEL AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME... that they have strong connection/bond w/the other person... this is SO not unique of your H to feel.... The problem is that he is still emotionally attached to this person... thus removing the chance to feel for you again. It is a big problem when there is still contact-- is there still contact? The OW usually feels like a life-saver. This "great" connection could have been with ANY FEMALE with a sweet smile and an ear for your H's problems!!!! ANYONE, not just the particular OW! The connection always seems strong in illicit relationships because they are BONDED together by LIES !!!!! The secrecy makes them feel something special- just like a teenager sneaking out of the house at night.... Your H will not be able to restore his feelings for you if things just stay the way they have been (you, him and HER)... he still has an open choice.. he still does not have to solely face your marriage and you. He has to have the reality hit him that you are not going to be there forever and that you are not going to be involved in a marriage anymore that is not between the 2 people who it was meant for, etc...

Sorry for the threadjack, Wondering....... !

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Crews - BELIEVE ME this is NOT easy for me. I have put four years into trying to make my husband something he will never be, and I guess I just had to get a smack of reality by some professional counselors to show me that I am beating my head against a brick wall. He can SAY he loves me until the world ends, but his ACTIONS over 4 years (even before this affair and baby) show that he is too selfish and immature to know what true adult love is. Proof is he ruined Christmas Eve and almost made me call the cops on him because he disrespected ME and I told him to leave but he decided to act like his usual violent self and I was only saved making another 911 call because my dad stepped in. ANYWAYS if your H truly loves you he will stop contact with this other woman. YOU have to make a stand FOR YOU or you have to be willing to sacrifice your identity to be 'the wife' and let him abuse you. You are letting him have his cake and eat it too and sorry but life does NOT work out that way. Maybe if you stand up for yourself he will get the point that you are not going to sit around and wait for him anymore and he will come back - but really ask yourself honestly can you trust him? Can you see yourself with him forever and having to deal if he cheats again? How many times are too many? This affair my H had was a deal breaker for me. His actions are speaking louder than his words, and I just am too good to have to take his s**t anymore. You look within YOU and seek the answers...

Seems to me that it is a horrid sentence to put upon youself-- to let yourself become "that wife"... you know-- the one that everyone huddles around and talks about as being "stupid, clueless, sad... pitiful" because the husband treats her like CRAP, cheats on her, and disrespects her, but she stays.

We CAN choose our marriage and ignore others.. SURE! But for OURSELVES..... we should demand better and pull ourselves out of this MESS ! There is truly never going to be any change if we just stay the same.. we MUST take steps to preserve our sanity, and to preserve any chance for the marriage to become a solid and respect-filled one! (plan B if nothing else has worked) It works many many times- more than not!

I've said this before on here a couple of times.... my husband said to me one day "I just want you to think you are ALL THAT again..."

Oh... OKAY... POINT TAKEN and from that day forward - I never looked back- I NEEDED to hear that - he was telling me that I had given up my fight and had become a pathetic whiney doormat and he wanted his Diva back. He got HER BACK.. but he ALSO got to come home to me packing boxes and showing him the Agreement for the beautiful rent-to-own home .... that he DID join me in- and that we have lived in very HAPPILY now since May and counting!

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Thanks for your honesty above. I am leaving in a week for Disney with my whole family and the OW and her family will be there as well. Boy this is going to be good. We really should not have to spend much time with them or even see them while we are there. I say I can deal with her, but everytime I see her my blood boils. To think of how manipulative she had to be to me and him to get to where we are today just baffles me. How can anyone be that evil? (that family was our best friends and business partners) As for my H, I just don't know that I can be second fiddle for the rest of my life. I am hoping things will get better each day, but really not seeing any big changes in him. He doesn't tell me that he has that connection with me that he supposedly had with her. He says I am not second fiddle because by him being with me not her should be enough to let me know he chose me. Divorce is going to be such a pain in the butt. I am going to be so angry when I can't be with my children on a Christmas Day just because he couldn't keep his pants up. I asked him if he had not been drunk when it happened does he think it would have eventually. He couldn't even say no to that, he just said I don't know. I need some reassurance that I am the one he wants totally and he isn't giving me that. I have a time table in my head and if he doesn't start giving me what I deserve and need, I think plan b is my only options. I know we won't just seperate though he will have to be divorced. How do you get over not being "all that" to him. How do you know when to go to plan b? He seems to be happy just existing in the relationship as long as I don't talk about anything or ask him how he feels. He has apologized once through this whole thing and thinks I should be more understanding of his feelings of having to give up his babies with her. I am just pissed, hurt, and don't know if I want to put up with his sarcastic way and lack of emotions for the rest of my life if he can't show me the love I want.