Hi Everyone I am new to this site and I am thinking that I possibly posted my story in the wrong place. I posted it under general questions.
Here is a short cap. My h is 32, i am 27 we have two children the oldest our daughter is mine from a previous relationship and our beautiful son will be 3 in January. My husband had an affair with a woman that he worked with for several years.From what they both tell me the affair lasted for almost one year. I found out about the affair and the OC in June of this year and thier son will be 2 in February. When I first found out he told me that he had not had contact with the OW or the OC since the child was about 2 months old. After I had a chance to calm down I told my husband that he needed to make things right and then I went to my mothers house 60 miles away. I did not know that he would jump on this opportunity as soon as I was out of the parking lot. I found out that as soon as I drove away that day he jumped on the phone with her and made arrangements to meet her over at his fathers house. This devestated me because without my knowledge he took my son with him this I told him was unfair to me and that I should have been there the first tme my son met his brother and he couldn't understand why I was upset when I was the one who told him to make it right and like I told him that did not mean to do it without me. Since then we have had custody of the OC every weekend and the more time that passes the more I begin to wonder if this is something that I will be able to deal with for the rest of my life. I dealt with this very well in the begining and now everytime I see the two of them together I just want to die. It just seems like it is getting harder to deal with instead of easier. Now they have started to make arrangements wthout including me and to me this is not acceeptable and if thiss is how they want things to be then maybe I have no place in this relationship. He says he loves me and that he only wants to be with me but no matter how hard I try I just can't get past the tricks that my mind plays on me on adaily basis and the fact that instead of helping me feel safe he just responds with "What Now?" When do you just give up?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It just seems like it is getting harder to deal with instead of easier. Now they have started to make arrangements wthout including me and to me this is not acceeptable and if thiss is how they want things to be then maybe I have no place in this relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are married- you are a team- there is never any reason that you should be left out AGAIN... or made to feel that way - as you were in the A.

Does he know how you feel about being left out (probably so)... and did you agree to C solely based on his needs? Did you have a voice in this at all?

I'm so sorry to find you here... but you will receive a lot of great help here. Things are slow lately due to the holiday I'm sure. You will find this place to be a wonderful source of help, comfort and for advice in handling this tricky and hard situation.

You must make sure that YOU are not feeling lost and alone and outside of the box of your own marriage. If you are feeling this way, you really need to lay it out to H- and give him a clue of what is not acceptable-- draw the line somewhere with him and stick to it.

I was lost when I came here. Stick around and keep posting.


((( big hug ))))

Giovanna

G123 Thank You for your response. I am still having a hard time and have not made a decision yet I am just not sure I can handle all of this. I have read alot of your stuff and I appreciate any words of wisdom you may have.

SOinCO,

Howdy neighbor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Same state, good people.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Dealing with an A is hard enough, dealing with OC is even harder. My H and I have been struggling with the contact issue for over four years. My H and I have agreed that any contact with OW will be monitered by ME. I just posted a thread today about how he broke that deal last night (long story) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . But, if you and your H are going to make it, he will have to respect your wishes and make you as comfortable as possible during every visit or exchange.

His betrayal got you into this mess, and it's unfair of him to expect you to just let him have a second family on the weekends when he's feeling like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Have you two gone to marriage counseling? Me and my H did briefly, it helped some.

You and your H will have to sit down and have a very honest discussion. You need to list out what needs to happen and how your H needs to handle the situation to keep things between the two of you nice and calm. He needs to make a list of how he would like to see the situation with the OW/OC progress and how he thinks you can help. You need to go over both lists very carefully and come up with a compromise that you can both live with.

For me and my H the rules are:

1.No contact behind my back EVER.

2.No visits with OC at OW's house without me EVER.

3.Most contact needs to be over the phone.

4.When OW complains about me being in OC's life, H must stick up for me. His favorite line to OW is: "She is my wife, and OC's stepmother. OC is part of OUR family, too."

5.We are a team, first and foremost. If it isn't good for the team - IT ISN'T GOOD.

And then, finally -
6.Three strikes and you're out.

If my H breaks any of these rules three times it means DIVORCE. No ifs, ands, or buts. So far, one strike as of last night, and he's had his warning.

It is not worth the pain and frustration to bend over backwards to make things nice for him. It will only rip your heart into tiny shreds. That in itself may ruin your marriage.

My therapist told me once "If you do not quit twisting yourself up into a pretzel trying to make him happy, you will be the cause of failure."

I put my foot down after letting him do things his way for two years. We almost divorced (twice) and we seperated for several months (three times), but in the end NOT allowing him to always do what HE wanted SAVED our marriage.

He had to choose between losing me and OUR family or losing OW. My H was smart enough to realize if he kept me he would gain the most: ME, LOVING RELATIONSHIP, OUR THREE KIDS, & OC. With OW he would lose the nearly everything. OW didn't really have a whole lot to offer, except perhaps an STD. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If your H is committed to your marriage you two will be able to come up with a compromise. Right now you're running Plan A (even if you don't realize it) and it doesn't seem to be doing you a whole lot of good. If he won't compromise, Plan B may be the next step.

I hope this helps. I know this is difficult. Remember that you are a very strong woman, you do not need your H to survive, with or without him you will be a good mom, and a good person. Once you realize those things, he will too. And if that reality doesn't change his attitude you may just be better off without him.

Keep your chin up! Lots of hugs! Stand up for yourself and your marriage, and do not resort to lovebusting - no matter what!

If you need support, we are all here for you.

Good luck.

AVNL, I have put down these rules and I mean to tell you if I had a dime for everytime I heard Iwasn't thinking I would be rich. I relate to music very well and I have recently listened to songs that used to make me feel wonderful about our M and now I barely feel. I am not sure if I am numb or if there is just nothing left here for me. I have tried talking I have tried yelling I have tried rational and irrational and I don't know where else to go maybe your right and Plan B should begin. I just need to feel some kind of control over what is happening right now. Is that wrong ??

SOinCO,

Honey, I feel you. But, the amazing truth is: YOU DO HAVE CONTROL! You control your own life and your own choices. And as horrible as it is to think that you may lose your H (believe me, I know it's the hardest thing to face) it would be worse to live with a man who makes you feel as if you aren't important. And, tell me if I'm mistaken, but it's seems as though that is how you feel. Been there. My H didn't want me as long as I was being a doormat. Why would he? When I finally decided to stick up for myself and tell him I'm not taking this crap anymore, all of a sudden he was empathetic, understanding, and sorry for everything he'd done to me. I kicked him out once for lying about something small after we'd reached an agreement about OW and honesty. I went to his work while he was working, put a basket full of his clothes, razor, deoderant, and anything else I thought he'd need. Then I went inside and told him "don't come home or I'll call the cops." I went to the court house and got divorce papers and the next time he called I told him "you've got three months to show me you want to be in this marriage. You know what I'm looking for because we've already talked about it. If in three months you have not proven your loyalty, I will file for divorce and you will be paying alimony and child support. You may not move back into this house or even step foot in here until after the three months."

I brought the kids to him twice a week for visits, he was homeless and living in his car so they couldn't spend nights with him. He lost his job due to lay offs so he was broke. In two weeks his attitude completely changed. In three months he asked to move back home. He's been very good since then (that was two years ago) and a divorce has not been mentioned since.

I cannot tell you that Plan B will change your H, but if what you've already been doing (PlanA) hasn't worked and you are out of ideas, it is the best chance you have. You deserve love and respect. The only way you're going to get it is if you demand it.

Stay strong. Live for your children and yourself.
Show your H that you will not be a door mat anymore. Demand respect.

This is only my humble opinion. Only you know what you need to do to make things better. Listen to your heart....and keep your chin up.

hugs,
T

AVNL, Thank you for all of your support. I love coming here and getting some helpful advice. I have another thread running "what are they going to tell their other children" I love your opinions and could use some help in that dept. if you get a chance. Thank You again.