i have been divorced for 3 years, we divorced because of his infidelity and his unwanting to change. We have a 7 year old child. After our divorce he got another mans wife pregnant, she lost that baby and they divorced. Now she is pregnant by my ex-husband again although they were split up numerous times between pregnancies. After finding out about this child he allowed her to move in with him knowing that meant our child could not stay overnight with him. His girlfriend stayed one month then moved out of state, not sure what happened and don't care. He told me today he was in Kentucky to see his new daughter for the first time, she was born in October. My daughter does not even know the girl was pregnant, he had told her she was very ill and that is why she had to move in with him for that month. He says they are not going to try to work things out but maybe he will get to see the baby some. He now says he plans on telling our daughter about the child. My daughter is still very young she doesn't understand how babies happen. This will cause alot of questions and i believe she has a right to know she has a sister out there somewhere. I guess where i need advice is how do I explain things without making them worse to such a young mind.

Welcome, Molly!

I have a question.. is there any hope that you can leave this little situation up to the one who has created the situation---- her father?

I know a lot of women here plan on completely allowing their husbands to explain these pickles- since it is not a very fun job-- and since the husband created the situation! Is he the type of man who could find a gentle and logical way of explaining this to your daughter-- and you be the one for her to look to as back up after her dad's explaination?

I think your daughter will be fine! 7 year old girls are usually so excited to have any news of a baby- let alone a sister! If this would NOT be the case.. I'm sure she will be just fine considering you and he are already divorced. How did she handle that? I think this would not be as earthshattering to her at this point as a divorce- do you?

She still doesn't understand why we all can't live together. She accepts it just doesn't like it. As far as letting her father explain, I have no intentions of telling her anything until he does. It's just that I know her father he will tell her how it is and when he is done he is done. So I know that when she is at my house I will be bombarded with questions he refuses to answer. And I think your right she will be overjoyed to find out she has a sister, she doesnt understand why I cant just have her one. However I really don't think she will be involved with the sister much. They are living out of state and although my ex and I have joint custody of our daughter he wouldn't be able to pull it off without help from me and my family ( he has no family in this state). And I don't think its up to me to help him with his other daughter, its time i get on with my life too.

Molly I agree with Gio here. By what you said I don't think there will be much involvement with her sister either sadly. I agree it's not up to you to pull this off and you have to move on with your life. I think at this point I would discuse with your xh first what he plans on telling her before he does if he's that blunt of a person and then talk to him about how he should tell her then of course (as us mothers have to do) be there to explain things further and all. If it were one of my kids though I would not want him telling my child anything without me knowing what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. Just my thoughts on it.

molly, you're right that your daughter is too young to hear about sex, but she isn't too young to understand that it takes a male and a female to produce young. Just look at the animal world, and how nature books for children are able to convey this, even using the word "mating/mate" without reference to genitals. There are books for young kids on babies, etc. Chose some books ahead of time.

When the time comes for your deardau to hear about her half-sister (from dad), it would be possible for you to discuss your values with her separately. If you attend church, frame it as part of your religious beliefs, that God prefers a married man and woman to have children together and not with others outside marriage. That being with (or mating) someone you're not married to is not right in your eyes or God's eyes (or whatever your belief), even though it's possible just like the animals. However, it is not any child's fault, not hers and not her half-sister's, when grown-ups mis-behave! Kids learn by 7 that grown-ups make mistakes too!!

She should continue to love her father so long as he is not abusive to HER, and love her half-sister if there is contact, but gradually understand that mommy isn't a doormat to continually be cheated on and that's why he doesn't live with you. You are setting healthy boundaries that will set example for her adulthood. If he is a serial cheater, then she will see this for herself over time. (I've got a friend who divorced a serial cheater, and her kids see him cheat on his second wife.) Dad becomes an example of how NOT to behave, at least in one area.

It's important not to dis a child's parent, but a gentle age-appropriate explanation is good; they will understand more each year.

My 6yo step-dau OC is sad that her parents were never married; she does not yet comprehend that it's b/c her dad was married to ME at the time!! We're not in a hurry to give every detail b/c she can't really understand it anyway. My 12yo has a much greater understanding and we discuss it w/him all he wants.

I hope this helps somehow.
Best wishes to you and dear dau.
"Jenny"

I have a certain "style" with my kids.... and I think it works very well...

What I do when there is something very serious to talk about-- including "birds and bees" or drugs discussions, etc. etc... IS to mention it, almost in "light passing conversation".... and the kids' interests get peaked.. and I play if off as a layed back conversation. With myself as a child or many children--- if you become very serious and very concerned, etc... they pick up on this--- and then they feel strage or they just lose interest because this is too "serious".....

SO... maybe you can try to bring it up while you are doing dishes.... or something...find some special way to set up the conversation with her---
Sounds a little strange, maybe-- but it is NOT- and it always works like a CHARM for the kids- I talk to them very non-threatening and very casually and I make them feel comfortable and they follow my lead.

I can explain further or think of something maybe for you ... after I come back from lunch... let me know if this sounds like something that may work for your daughter. They have little attention spans and sometimes you have to just give them a little info-- not too much.

i appreciate everyones advice and will try to use it the best of my ability. i know this has to be discussed and who knows maybe her dad will come through if not i will be there to pick up the pieces as always. thank you all so much