OC = White elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Does anyone else ever get that feeling? Normally, I don't think of my OC much but we went to t a wedding recently and at the table someone asked how many kids we had? They didn't know our situation but other people at the table did and I could see their eyes widen. I just said "I have two sons" and H grow 2 inches shorter in his chair. You could feel the awkwardness of the situation. I know it embarrasses my H so much. Not about having NC because he has no regrets about that at all and has his reasons for it. But he is embarrassed that he made such a stupid mistake and hurt so many people because of it.

I don't want my kids growing up to be teenagers to learn about their 1/2 sibling and freaking out or someone else telling them about OC. So I bring her up in light conversation every now and then but I don't make a big deal about her either good or bad. Like we have a friend who is a "married" lesbian with 1 bio child and they just adopted a child of a different race. My kids and I were talking about all different types of families and I just said that they have a 1/2 sister who lives with her Mom far away so we don't see her and maybe someday they will meet her. The only question they've ever asked is what does the 1/2 mean and I told them it means she has a different Mom but they all have the same Dad. And that was it, fairly basic so far and no stressors. I want them to be able to choose if they want C with OC in the future with out feeling that I influenced them one way or the other.

Just curious to see how others with NC handle the situation when the subject of kids come up with other people. Do you admit that your H has a child out there that you have NC with? Pretend the OC doesn't exist? How do you handle the awkwardness in pretending the OC doesn't exist when some people KNOW about it?

I know this is going to sound so horrible but I'm glad that I don't have to be embarrassed about my kids or feel the need to qualify their existence to anyone. That is for H and OW to explain or qualify if they feel the need to. Not that OW don't love their children, I'm sure they do and I don't think as a Mom they are embarrassed of the child themselves. But lets face it are OW out there actually admitting they bedded a MM and got pregnant?

Gwenie, we don't have an OC that I'm aware of, but I do read here because it wouldn't surprise me to learn that there is one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I'm wondering -- since your children know about the OC (good move, imo!), and you don't want them to feel ashamed, I'm wondering how you will answer when they around to hear the questions.

Would you be able to smile and say, "We have 3. One lives with her mother."?

just a suggestion, admittedly from one who hasn't been there yet.

God bless,
PM

paper- That probably would be a better way to answer the question in the future. We didn't have the kids at the wedding (Adult FUN) and the question just caught me off guard.

I have no problem with NC and don't see it as abandonment like some people might. H made a hard choice and I know I would have choosen differently. You couldn't keep me away from my kids!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just curious to see how others with NC handle the situation when the subject of kids come up with other people. Do you admit that your H has a child out there that you have NC with? Pretend the OC doesn't exist? How do you handle the awkwardness in pretending the OC doesn't exist when some people KNOW about it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahhh, the beauty of keeping this dreadful secret from EVERYONE I know.... HECKS NO WAY would I tell ANY of my friends-- oh boy I run with a pack THAT IS A WAAAAY TOUGH CROWD..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'd never escape these man-hating divas-- they'd hunt me down and KILL me for staying w/my husband!!! LOL!!!!

I do not consider the OC -- and rattle off our kids without hesitation. She is not in our care and we have not had any contact so H could hardly consider her one of our children. Not sounding resentful or ill towads OC- just a fact. And yes-- I think I am getting to the point where she doesn't really exist to me. I thought about her and the situation SO much for SO long that now its like a faded memory.. kinda sad but HEY not my problem- this one is all H's to carry thru his life if we have NC "forever".

Actually, our respective (immediate) family members know- but, his family is the "elephant in the room" EXPERTS.. always have been ones to sweep things under the carpet and pretend it "didn't happen" (and boy has my H inherited the SAME irritating habit)... so no worries there ! My parents and one of my brothers know-- and they are very non-prying types and will only bring up if I need to talk about it.

The OC has an uncommon name and it helps to never really hear the name... I know when OW name comes up on TV or elsewhere in life my H almost visibly cringes....

Great move on the casual conversation with the kids, Gwenie!!!! EXACTLY my style of breaking news to kids-- I think that is a marvelous way to do it..... when they want to ask about it or find out, you covered your butt and did it without showing them any "danger" in the situation!

My kids, I SWEAR already know from overhearing arguments, etc. over the past 2 years.... yet they have given no clues of it... and are all "big mouths" so.... ???? If they do ask someday-- I think I will have to tell... (yuk)

I found out 2 years ago that *I* have ANOTHER (that makes 5) brothers that is older than all of us.. and YEP, he was an OC from my father. There was absolutely no ill feelings from any of us-- it was like oh wow- cool- we wanna meet him-- and that's it. I think when my kids are a bit older- they will feel the same way because the A will have been water under the bridge by then.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

I always answer that WE have 3 & that is it. It's no ones business anyway.

If it is a closer friend then we used to say, "we have 3 & sometimes 4', but since we don't see OC anymore, I don't say that anymore.

I don't feel the need to explain to anyone.

If there WASN'T an OC, would you feel like you were lying when people asked you how long you had been married & DIDN'T tell them about H infidelity?

I don't think so, so I don't think it's a problem. If H wants to answer & say 4, then fine, that's fine w/ me but that is his choice, not mine. (but then they usually respond w/ how great I look for having 4 kids! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

IT's not a lie that WE have 3 so I don't even feel guilty.

I am @ a new point in my life...............NO MORE MISPLACED GUILT. A point of indifference that almost seems heartless, but hey! What can I do about a situation that I did not create?

I can't change it, fix it, make it disappear so.....there you go.

I don't have to put H former mistakes on display either, I have no desire to embarrass him anymore than he has been.

I love him. (most days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

We are moving on w/ our lives.

Sometimes idiots ask me (but of course never H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) what will I say to OC if/when she ever comes back asking why we weren't in her life, or if I feel bad about it.......

Nope, sure don't. I don't feel guilty, bad or anything else because i did not do this to OC or anyone else. So, I have a perfectly clear conscience. I'm not afraid to tell OC the truth. PLUS, I have ALL the documentation in the form of court orders, journals, log books, receipts ect. in my CMB (cover my butt) file to prove my case of what REALLY happened. SO I am not afraid @ all.

H & OW will have to answer for themselves. And I will be right there to console OC in anyway I am needed, becuase I am sure I will be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

sorry......got carried away on my tangent a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />


ooo
xxx
kt

I agree w/kt. It's NOT a lie to say you have *just* the kids that live with you!! B/C that's IS ALL you HAVE!

I think it's weirder to bring up OC when there's no contact. If some people know, there's nothing you can do about it. If they (rudely!) bring up OC, you can say "yes, that's H's daughter, but we aren't raising her."

Having no contact is similar to placing the kid for adoption; you are NOT raising the kid in any way, shape or form, and it's really no one's business that you have another bio-connection in the world! I have an adopted child, and I hope her bio-parents don't claim her in casual conversations. Neither did we claim OC when we had no contact.

Now that we have visitation, it depends on the situation whether I "claim" OC as one of mine. I care about her, her pictures are on my wall, my kids talk about her, and we are very open about her now. But OC still lives with her mother 90% of the time.

Hang in there Gwenie