Hi there....today I asked my H when I got home what was wrong because he looked a little strange. He told me the OW and him got into it today. So I asked him to tell me about it. He told her this morning that he would not be there are the birth. She flipped out.....said she was going to get an attorney to make our life H***. The attorney called today and basically told us to get ready......I don't know what to do or if I have the strength to deal with it. If he signs over parental rights, will he still have to pay? Any help.....*tired and hormonal*

Hurt, First off the attorney's DONT CALL you! They send you in writing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Second you better go find one and get ready! Its a guilt thing MOST (not all) do in order to get him "involved" in the OC and pg. If the so called attorney call you again, get his name, address, phone number and tell him, he is harrassing you. That is what it is! Did you talk to the attorney or where you there when they called? Cause this is VERY strange!

I would suggest YOU to talk to an attorney to cover YOU and your children.

The OW can spit and sputter about making your life hell all she wants, and she may cause you greif but trust me, you can stop it. YES it takes an attorney of your own, and money. But what price do you put on peace of mind? KWIM!

Simply tell the OW to call you after the birth and get in touch w/ your attorney and do this right. If you dont you will have so much greif. Keep yourself calm and cool. Dont say or do anything that can be used against you. Let her dig that hole and from the looks of it she will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
As far as right and CS most still have to pay
Sunny D

My H said that he called to tell us there will be papers coming for us. I just don't think I can do this. Throughout my pregnancy, I've already TRIED to stay calm yet it seems not to end. I love my H dearly but sometimes I just want to walk away....I wouldn't EVER do that but man, this is just getting harder...........

Take a deep breath AND yes, GET READY.

The roller coaster is gonna get CRAZY. But it was gonna happen eventually.

This is the time to sink or swim....so in the words of Dory (from Finding Nemo) "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Get the BEST attorney you can find. IT is much better & stress relieving than trying to do it on your own.

Most states (not all) award the biggest % of CS to whoever files first....so you might want to check into filing a legal separation FIRST so that your children will get the higher CS %. If you & H stay together then you will have secured more income stays within the home.

If it is too late for that........
Be prepared. The BASIC estimate is that CS is %20 of the NCP (non-custodial parent) take home/net pay.(w/ NC)

Some states allow you to request a 'hardship' deduction which is up to the judge's discretion to allow or deny & how much. It is based on extreme debt, medical bills or children of another relationship (yours).
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It is best to have an attorney. The lessons you learn along the way of 'doing it yourself' are much more expensive than just having an attorney from the beginning. And remember: you get what you pay for.

An attorney will make sure that OW only gets as much as is fair.(even though, really, there is nothing fair about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , but it will be according to a state guideline) OC will be entitled to a standard amount. But w/o an attorney, the DA can intimidate you & the courts are intimidating enough & you will end up possibly paying more than what is entitled.

Plus the OC must be covered by your H insurance (usually) & H will most likely be responsible for 1/2 of OC daycare costs if OW requests it.

And don't think that you cannot afford it so you will try to have C to lower CS. It will not be worth it if that is your motivation & it will not lower it that much.

Talk to a lawyer that can advise you of any options you have to protect any assets you 2 have together, ie: transferring them into your name or whatever. Each state is different.
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Now besides that.......Take another deep breath.

Don't let OW scare or intimidate you. She is threatening (roooooowwwwwwwwwwrrrr!) like the true catty !-----! that she is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Good. H will snap out of any fog he had left! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Her true colors will come out w/ those claws & you will be an angel.

You will be ok. CS is a given. If H wants C (I can't remember your decision on this) get it all done legally. OW has no power to withold that. She cannot 'screw you over' but if you are not prepared the CS agency can. Especially if there is ever an welfare involved. (statics show that children on welfare receive the highest % of CS awards---'state interests' @ work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

YOU will be ok. This is just another bump to get over. H will eventually have had to pay CS either way, better now than later. So don't be scared.

The best defense is a good offense. Get PROactive NOW. Search for an attorney that you feel comfortable w/.

Let OW dig her own hole & you don't worry yourself about it.
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Remember to eat healthy, get soem form of daily excercise, even if it is just a walk around the block. Drink plenty of water. YOu need to stay focused & keep your mind clear.

YOu need to be strong. That includes emotionally & mentally as well as physically. Each part will help the other. Take care of yourself.

Expect thsi to be a stressful time. SO lower yoru standards a bit & go easy on yourself.

Do whatever it is that relaxes you, a manicure, pedicure, long jog, whatever to occasionally pamper yourself & take your mind off of it, even if jsut for a moment.

Make sure you have a strong support network for yourself.

It's just another phase of this journey.

Some of this info may be repetitious but it is still worth mentioning again & again.

Take care of yourself.....we're here for you.


sincerely,
ooo
xxx
kt

I wouldn't EVER do that but man, this is just getting harder...........

It's always darkest before the dawn.


Hang in there hunnybunny.

Keep your chin up. Make sure your Dr. is aware of the extreme stress you are under so that they can keep an extra eye on you during your pg. I would hate for anything to happen to you or your baby.

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'Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:4-5, NKJV

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sincerely,
ooo
xxx
kt

well i told my h i would be there to help him always. i wouldn't walk away even though it does seem so easy at times. as for the ow, i just don't understand WHY some women are like that. i will be looking for an attorney tomorrow without a doubt. as for taking deep breaths.....i had been holding my breath for 9 months and i realized i stopped breathing! *sigh* why do i just want to call her up RIGHT NOW AND YELL YELL YELL??? Or drive over to her house and beat her up....I feel so guilty for that.

Guilt is NOT from God that is for sure.

Don't feel guilty. You have been and are still going through a severe trauma. I don't care what anyone says....realizing your spouse had an A AND prduced an OC from it-that's traumatic!!!!!!!

It's natural to be so filled w/ anger. Eventually, you come to your senses & realize there is nothing you can do, which is frustrating in & of itself. But it's the truth.

Some people never learn except from thier own mistakes while others are wise enough to learn from others.

So let me tell you, ANY kind of C w/ OW will NOT be productive-------EVER! Not even trying to 'talk' to her---much less kicking her @$$! LOL (one among many, I'm sure, that had to find that out for myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

That would just further her 'victim' metality & make you look like a crazy, deranged W! LOL Not to mention the legal aspects that you KNOW she would slap you w/!

OW does NOT care about you one bit.

So put your energy some where more productive like searching out a good attorney & preparing for 'round two' of this 'baby mama drama'!

Working as a team will bring you & H closer for a time, gives you a 'common enemy'. Eventually you will again have the time to refocus your energy on yourselves & your marraige.

One step @ a time, one step @ a time.

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If that is too much for you right now, then sit back & let H take care of it all. You DON'T have to fix it. You can step back. Remember that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


ooo
xxx
kt

I have yet to confront her anyways or even have never talked to her since I found out. I don't think I could bring myself to be mean like that but man, I can dream can't I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!!
I know she doesn't care about my H and HIS family. I even believe she could care less about the baby coming in the next few days too. She is in life for herself. She has been having an A with another married man BEFORE my H who was in the navy. Do you think that would favor on our side any because she is a known tramp? I guess I will find out tomorrow when I try calling around.
But I thank you for the advice everyone. It means a lot to be able to read someone else's perspective and look outside for a second. KT, I think you are wonderful. Your posts are very to the point yet very positive and helpful.

Hurt, I'm sorry for your pain. It took me years to gradually put xow aside. A/OC is a HUGE enormous hurtful grievous thing.

But walking away from marriage wouldn't really solve things, b/c you are tied to this guy forever through your unborn child, and you would still be a hurting person. It CAN get better, but it takes commitment from both of you, and patience/time for OC thing to resolve.

I was pg w/our second when xow was pg w/OC. It's so hard and I really feel for you. HUGs.

Be kind to yourself, and work especially on marriage recovery now, as you'll be so busy with your baby later. It's important for you and H to be a united front against this woman's assaults on your marriage. Can you get counseling? Read recovery books and do the steps. Read this site; Dr. Harley's stuff is great. Ansd I hope your lawyer is good.

Hang in there!
J, 6y recovery

PS I too wanted to scream at xow and had thoughts of revenge!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (She had pretended to be my friend.)

I commend you for not doing anything, though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It will make you feel better about yourself for being a class act. And if the situation ever arises where it would be an advantage for you to act nice to xow, it will be easier if you haven't had a shouting match prior. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bubble baths, long walks, journaling, prayer, and chocolate... these are good things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank You Jenny. I asked my H today if he wanted me to look for an attorney today but he said he was going to get some information from base today before. Plus he told me that it wasn't my responsibility because I didn't hurt anyone. Plus he told me I needed not to deal with it because it would put too much stress on the our little one......I thought that was very sweet. So I guess I will just sit back (of course my input will go in) and watch what is going to come down the road for us.

Good Morning Hurt:

I've been reading your posts since the beginning and have to say I don't think you're getting the truth out of your WH. He doesn't need to have any C with OW period!!!!! You need to document everything she does, every phone call she makes etc. He didn't have to contact her to tell her he wouldn't be there for the birth of the baby. No contact is no contact.

Everything after the baby is born needs to be done through the legal system. The first thing is a paternity test. If you contact the hospital in advance you can have the lab take cheek swabs right then and there soon after the OC is born. Then the swabs can be sent off to the DNA center. I'm certain the hospital has a lab they either use or recommend and can give you the information. We received it from the hospital. Have you WH husband call to set this up and listen to his phone call so you know it's being done.

I highly doubt an attorney called you to tell your WH papers are going to be served. What purpose? Your WH hasn't proved to be the father yet and the OC isn't born. There's no cause for legal action.

Be careful, you have a right to question. Above all else, don't C the OW and like you say if you do run into her, hold your head high and show grace. It'll pi== her off worse than anything. Take care of yourself.

the OW and my H work together. They are on different crews but those crews OVERLAP by 3 hours. She calls him at work all the time. He tells her to stop calling and all that but she just doesn't get it. As for the truth from my H, I do believe he is telling me the truth. My H has no reason to lie because he has already been found out and what would be the point. Plus I've been here when I've heard him talk to her. As for the talking to each other, the navy made them sit down and work out a plan together. Their Chief told them BOTH that in regards to their positions in the navy, they are to be cordial and all that. If they aren't, they can get into more trouble in their command. My H is trying very hard to fulfill this request. With getting in trouble, the Chief will push it further up the command where it didn't go in the beginning.

Hurt...

LISTEN SWEETIE. I have been working in the legal field for 13 years. I also have some family law experience- not in your state, surely, but there are some things that generally are the same.

THIS CALL FROM AN "ATTORNEY" is complete and utter hogwash. Did this attorney call when you were there-- did you witness it, or did it come
from your H ?

FIRST:
As Inanutshell said-- THERE IS NO LEGAL CASE first of all. Your H is not even the known father yet. Second-- Unless this is the strangest attorney on earth-- ATTORNEYS write letters to introduce themselves as the legal counsel, to set up contact w/him- they don't make ridiculous calls like this IN FAMILY MATTERS. And AGAIN- an attorney would not make a call to a POSSIBLE party to an action!

SECOND:
The OW has NO leverage outside of normal court functions regarding CS/Visitation, etc. SHE will exercise her rights as most do-- and your H and you exercise yours. She CANNOT, by her anger, MAKE THE CS AMOUNT HIGHER!! The facts are the facts in the case to come-- and HER WANTING YOUR H around CHANGES NOTHING, legally to anyone. The courts are NOT interested in the drama and dynamics of the relationships involved-- THEY ARE THERE for the CHILD'S interests, PERIOD!

THIRD:
Hopefully an attorney will tell you that your H should not be responsible for more than 50% of medical and child care expenses ! Many times the court will TRY to get 100% medical paid-- BUT- both parties are usually only 50% responsbile for any expenses. That means SHE is responsible too.

FOURTH:
WHY is your H talking to her at all????? My H and most went through 9 months of complete and utter silence BECAUSE THE CHILD IS NOT EVEN PROVEN TO BE HIS YET!!! You and your H are ALLOWING this to happen-- and she is ruling with an iron fist here. WHY? YOU ARE PREGNANT WITH YOUR HUSBANDS CHILD AND YOU MATTER -- SHE DOES NOT. She has her own family and network to support her. SHE MATTERS NOT TO YOU AND YOUR H!!!! The child will have NOTHING to do with the person your H had sex with (ick).. ANIMALS HAVE SEX and get pregnant- BIG DEAL. She isn't sh*t in the scheme of things!!! YOUR H AND YOU AND YOUR BABY TOGETHER IS THE CONCERN FOR YOU, PERIOD!!! Do not let this woman destroy what spirit you have left.

Now...... just REMEMBER if nothing else--- this woman has NO POWER over you or your husband whatsoever!!!!!!!!!! By introducing the legal system into this, she is just as powerless as anyone else in this. The courts are going to decide and NEITHER party can do a darn thing about it aside from lay out the best case scenario financially to protect you (and OW to try to get what she can)... ultimately the COURT is the only one who has any power here.

Lastly, Hurt.. you are a lovely person. You are showing your H how dedicated and how much WORTH and STRENGTH you possess.. you are showing him what this pregnant OW has--- NOTHING ON YOU--- she is sadly someone who is a nasty and ugly human being. She is obviously like lots of these pregnant OW---- THEY ARE FULL OF FALSE ENTITLEMENT!! THEY ARE LIFE-SUCKING s*uts!!! Sorry I don't usually use words like that but in YOUR case specifically-- this is her !!!!!

I am so angered at a doll like you having to share the most precious time (pregnancy) with this #$#$#%$#%$$%^%^% !!!!!!

Shine baby--SHINE !!! You are doing so much bette than you probably give yourself credit for! Your H is going to come to the point where he falls at your chubby wittle feet and realizes FULLY what a gem he has.. and this gem is carrying, what I beleive, will be the light of you and hubby's NEW AND IMPROVED life together!!!!!!!!!!!

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Hurts,

You may want to read up on Arabesque's OW behavior. Forewarned is forearmed!

She sounds like a psycho who got someone to "pretend" lawyer threats to get your H to talk with her.

Hurt, this is one of the few times I am posting. Sounds like you have a real psycho-wench on your hands. Please take Giovanna's advice. I, too, have worked in the legal profession for 20 years in various capacities at a domestic relations law firm and I smell a rat!

Giovanna's advice is spot on! I would also get the name, address and number of this so-called attorney. There are laws and ethics rules that expressly forbid impersonating a lawyer. If this attorney is the real deal, I would find out where he is licensed and report him to the bar association ASAP. I would also get strongly suggest you get your own attorney to protect your family's interests.

BTW--Although you believe and trust your WH, I don't understand why he is still in contact with her.

Hurt - I haven't posted for a really long time, but reading your threads I felt like I needed to jump in here.

First of all, I am so very sorry you are going through this while you are pregnant with your first baby. The pregnacy and birth of your first child is so special - please don't let the OW rob you of that joy. Its a once in a lifetime experience - so keep OW in her place - far, far out of the picture. Easier said then done!

kt and G123 and the others have given you some great advice. Listen to them!! I made the mistake of not taking everyone's advice here and I regret it! A lot of times you think maybe it will be different for you, but really every OW is the same - they act the same way, they say the same things. Don't ever waste your time trying to talk or reason with her. It is impossible. I once called the OW in my life because I found out my H was still playing both sides of the fence. She seemed very compassionate and caring because we were both being hurt by my H. She promised not to continue the relationship unless/until we divorced. They lie! Please do as the others have said, and stay away from her.

Also, please stand by your guns on your H not going to the delivery or visiting the OC before DNA is established. And absolutely no visits at OW's home. She will try to keep you out of the picture while trying to sink her claws into your H again. He may say he is over her, but once contact begins again, it is just too easy for them to be sucked right back into the OW's web. I speak from experience. If your H wants C with this child, it is something you do together - you do everything together!! Don't ever let it be any other way. It is not worth the risk of losing your M to let it slide by. I trusted my H, but he had not totally gotten through the withdrawal of the A, and he is now back in the "fog".

My H left our family last Feb. Since then, there have been many ups and downs. Many signs of hope for our future, followed by disappointment. The last few months of the pregnacy, my H had little contact with OW. He still was not living at home, but we were getting so much closer. He wanted to wait to move home until after the OC was born to see what would happen. He did not believe I would be able to handle it. He went to the hospital the day the OC was born - after the birth. And then immediately began to visit the OC at the OW's home. I was not allowed (by OW) to visit. He assured me this would only last until legal visits were set up. In the beginning, he was in a hurry to do DNA and legal stuff. Now 3 months later, no DNA has been done, legal stuff is not progressing, and H is confused about his feelings. Throw in there, threats by OW that she will make things difficult for H if he returns home, my life is still very much a mess.

So, please learn from my experience. Do not let your H see that baby until DNA is done - unless you 100% agree and you are with him. It is just so easy for them to fall back into the temptation of the A. If it weren't for the OC, I feel my M would be well into recovery. Because H made that inital contact, things have fallen apart quickly. Please be very careful!

Most importantly, please take care of yourself and enjoy your pregnacy! As best you can, put the OW out of your mind and let H pamper you. If you put OW in her rightful place now, you and your H will survive this!

Best wishes to you!

KrisM,

My H doesn't want to see the baby at all. As for seeing the baby before the paternity, he won't. That came from his mouth not mine. Today is her due date and I've had a rough day. But I've tried to keep a positive outlook today. One good thing is that I felt the baby kick this weekend for the first time. And he/she kicked all day today. That was nice.
We are pretty tired of all those games she is playing. Now with needing to get an attorney, my H has just about had it. I would prefer NC in which some people may look down on me for that. But we will see.
I'm trying to be stress-free which is easier said then done. I'm trying to enjoy my pregnancy but I have felt that the OW has robbed me of it in a sense because she is just not letting us be. Some may think, well just forget about her....once again, easier said then done...

Hurt - I am so glad that your H is not planning on seeing OC w/o DNA first. Please make him stick to it. For a short time, my H talked about NC and signing his rights away. It was a time when he was finally escaping that darn fog. He knew that it would be best for our M. However, when the OW called and said the OC was here, things changed. I think he was just curious about the baby - did she look like him, etc. He was hooked instantly - you know how babies can do that to you. I sincerely believe he had the best of intentions, but he hadn't given himself enough time to get through the withdrawal, he hadn't given our M the time we needed to recover. I really do not think he intended for things to get out of hand again - but they did. So please just make your H stick with it. And do not feel bad for wanting NC - it is the best way for your M to survive. Anyone with C will tell you it is difficult - even if things are going well. It is never easy to have the person who wants to destroy your M constantly be a part of it. Do what is best for you and your family. If you can't handle C, then do NC. It is just that simple. Don't let what other people say or think influence your decision. Some people can make it work - others cannot. There is no shame in either of the choices.

Getting through those tough days will be difficult. I was fine through most of OW's pregancy, but when that last month came around, I was a basket case. But you know what, the due date came and went, and I was fine. The birth came and went, and I was still fine. I think the anticipation of the event is harder than dealing with the actual event. You have the support of your H. He is home with you, loving you - that is what is important. This will come and go, and it will just be another bump in the road of life. You will be just fine. And if you need to vent, yell, scream, whatever - turn to us here.

I am so excited for you - feeling those little flutters of new life growing inside you. Isn't it an awesome feeling?? Focus on that little life. Now that you can feel him/her, it will be all the more exciting. One thing I did with my first was to keep a detailed journal of the whole pregnacy - my feelings, all the firsts. You may want to try that to help you focus on this new little life. Write down all your joys concerning this new little life, and when other things are getting you down, sit down and read about the most important person in your life - your BC.

Stay strong!!

I decided to creep out of the shadows to help you, if I can......

Even though I don't post much more, (the OW has found this board and my posts) I still read this board every day. I see that you're going through something very similar to my experience.

I think everyone's advice is right on target. These women helped me so much through my situation. Even though my situation wasn't typical, I had to treat it as such.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Well, she shouldn't have slept with a married man!!!

You're entitled to the main course, per se...the OW deserves the leftovers. Don't let her control your life. Your world does not revolve around hers. She's just jealous that she got herself pregnant and your husband chose to re-build his marriage. She will do whatever she can to separate the two of you. Don't let her suceed.

Has your husband talked to the JAG office about this? I'm sorry...it's been awhile since I was in the military and am not sure if they can advise him on personal matters.

If you need advice on how to handle a wacko OW who is intent on stalking, harassing, intimidating, etc you.....let me know. I went through "Fatal Attraction 101", even though I didn't sign up for the course. Wizard and Orchid can give some valuable advice on handling this side of it, while the other women here are experts on the CS issue.

*sigh*