Hello, My H cheated on me 3 months in 2002, once I found out, I moved him out that day, paid a lawyer $3200.00 for a divorce, and H went to live with my MIL. thats is where I thought he was, really he was at OW house, in the hood, no job, no house, no car, no education to get a job, totally dependant on us taxpayers.
the ow was the mother of my childs playmate. and a good friend of my MIL. they both ow and MIL belong to the same Eagles club. it was rumored that my MIL set them up, the ow even told me that my MIL would call me bad names, well the B word.
They both lied to me for the longest time. finally he decided he would come home, at the time I was so overwelmed with hurt that I begged him home. like a dummy. at the time we had been married like 13 years togather 16. it hurt so much, he used to tell me when he was gone, to move on, find somebody else, he wasnt in love with me anymore, not attracted to me anymore.
She had chased him right under my nose, He races cars, so we would go to the track and she would take her kids she already has 8 years & 12, to the track and have them yell my H name through the fence, so H would go over and talk to them, right in front of me every week, I didnt think a thing about it.
But after he was with her for 5 weeks I finally started talking to a guy that works across the street from where I live, boy that helped alot. he was so nice to me,
H didnt like that long, so he came home, of corse I had open arms, 1 week later OW called, she she's pregant. she advised he was the dad because 2 months before that she had a abortion by another guy, and couldnt have sex for 2 months, and he was the only person after that abortion, she was also married at the time, but never had sex with her own H, just mine.
Since this oc has been born, she has had another abortion by the man she recently married, shes been pregant 3 times since march of 2002, aborted all but my H.
While my H was gone, the stress landed me in the Hospital, I had to have emergancy surgery. Doc said that is why they make anti-depressants, if the stress dont kill you mentally, it gets you physically, I was 8 hours away from expiring, per the Doc, the stress had put a hole in my colon, so I had to have a colostomy bag, real bad surgery, 10 days in hospital, H only came to see me 3 times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> for about 15 mins each time, that I will never forget that he was not there for me when I was so close to death. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
But he came home, I found out later that he told ow once I got to go back to get the colostomy bag off, that he was going to leave me, that hurt too, finding out that they kept calling each other for about 2 months after he was home, he says he was just trying to get her to abort that one too, thats why he kept calling her.
He really beleave that she wasnt going to get him for child support too, I said duh, your dealing with a welfare rat, thats the reason she didnt abort this one, and she did all the other ones, she saw all we had to offer as far as asets.
a week after the child was born he got drunk and snook over to her house where she lived with her parents to see the child, he never told me about it, I learned about it 5 months later, she says he begged her for pictures too, he denies that also, he now admits to going over there, but says he never cried to her and asked her for pictures.
Since then as far as I know theres been NC, I have never seen the child either. I guess my MIL still talks to OW, the OW has told me that my MIL has called the OW and tells her that my H has given my MIL money to give the OW for diapers and formula, I asked her well did you ever get the money?? she said nope, I said well there you go. my MIL also let H and OW use her car to sneak around in, good MIL a????
I cant stand the thought of paying her CS,
Well 2 years later, 62 lbs lighter, H pay 545.00 a month to her.
She said her new H wanted to adopt, so we were waitin for that, but once she got a taste of the money, now all of a sudden he dont want to.
so the only way out of child support now, is to try to get joint phsy custody, which we will be going to court in a week, but I dont know if I will be able to handle seeing the little boy, I hear he looks just like my daughter, and H.
Im scared seein oc will push me over the edge. plus she will have to be around, shoot the way they are I will probably end up with another oc.
I cant say that, he has really tried to keep our marriage togather, but Im always throwing it in his face. sometimes I wish another man would come and sweep me off my feet. so I could forget it all.
She has 2 other kids she let go live with their dad, I really think oc is just a paun for money, she has never worked, but I dont think I want him either,
any suggestions

Plus after all this she seen my daughter at McDonalds, and shoved my daugher, so my child hit her back at that time some other women came out of the Mcdonalds, and hit my daughter too.
so we got a PPO against the OW for my daughter.
I would love nothin more than to beat the holy crap out of her, but I have 14 years with the City here where I live, so I dont want to loose that job.
Every time she see's me she has whoever is with her flip me the finger, but as far as she goes she wont even look me in the eye.

What the heck?

Your H picked a real winner didn't he? whatever.

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OKAY first thing-DON'T try to get some visitation just to lower CS. It's NOT worth it for one & you won't get that much to lower it any signifigant amount anyway.

To make much of a difference you would need to have overnights & lots of them.

That would not be good for baby if you are not even sure if you can handle it plus the fact that you guys don't even know OC right?

Do you have any kids of your own?

Oh yah, you said you had a dd. I can't believe she hit your dd!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> What kind of city do you live in where adults just hit someone elses child? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WTHeck?

I'm sorry that you had to go through something like this. You are in the right place for support.

If you want to work on your marraige, this site has lots of great info, excercises & what not. They even offer counseling.

Have you & H gone through any counseling?

Read up on everything you can here, besides the forums. Read about POJA, LB, EN & Radical Honesty.

If you both want your marriage then I'm here to tell you you can get through this together.


sincerely,
kt


PS: I got your email, replied.

Oh I have been reading all your posts, I was hoping you would reply.
Well we already contacted the lawyer, just waiting for him to file the motion.
Hubby dont really want contact.
Just hoping this will force he new H to adopt, They dont want us to have any contact at all, she said she would see us in hell before she would let the child visit it,, but boy she wants that money every 2 weeks.

I've come out of lurker status to respond to your post. Welcome to this site and I'm very sorry you have to be here.

Sounds like your H picked a real hood rat and glorified welfare queen. It's amazing the sorry trash WH's choose to slum with.

What are you and H doing to strenghten your marriage? Are you guys in counseling?

If you feel that strongly about NC, perhaps you and H can set parameters on visitation. Also, sounds like trust is still a major issue.

You will be in my prayers!

My husband totally regrets the whole thing now, he really tries to get me to understand that he's sorry, but theres not a thing he can do about it now. I think that is what bothers me the most, is not being able to do anything, that child is here, and I cant change it.
I really feel she did that out of revenge to get me husband to go back to her, she aborted 3 other children, one 2 months before she conceived this one.
I feel she just really likes to mess up our marriage,,, but it took two,,,,, funny she aborted all the other ones though.

I am so sorry you have to be here. It's a horrible situation to be in. I encourage you to decide if you really want contact w/ OC. It is not OC's fault that the mom has made such horrible decisions, but you being in contact w/ her for visitation is hard also. I think there are many of us here that feel OW had these children on purpose, and there are many that use them as games to try to get revenge, or try to get H back, money, etc... But, I don't think playing games filing for custody you don't really want is beneficial to OC either. I feel for the OC in this situation. I was wary the first time I saw OC. I wasn't sure how I'd react. The first time was in front of XOW and I refused to hold OC. The next time H and I took OC to my MIL's house. Then I could hold OC and feel comfortable. I have since bonded w/ OC, and while I know I don't have same feelings H has toward OC, I do care about OC and want what is best for OC. I teach and I think situtions like these are very difficult on the children. I just hate to see the children pay for the mistakes of their parents. I can't say this sitution doesn't hurt, but I know it's H and XOW's fault, not OC's. Please think about what you really want to come out of this situation.

As to when does it stop hurting, I don't think anyone here can answer that question. We're all different, and all the situations are different. My d-day was 10 months ago. It has gotten so much easier, but the pain is in no way gone. XOW tries to cause a lot of problems between H and I. There are times I wish we would have chosen NC. At the time h thought he could do that, but now he knows that he can't and wants to do what is best for OC. We both have a difficult time bringing OC around the families etc... It's not over, but I can say I don't cry near as much as I use to, and I feel better than I did a few months ago. It seems to slowly get better. I know the CS is hard, that is one of the things I have a hard time w/ as well. We have not gone through the courts so XOW can get more at any time. (H and XOW agreed on a lesser amount before OC was born.) XOW makes more than H anyway.

I was wondering what visitations would be like and if anyone had already done it, could reply.
I dont blame the child, I feel he's living in poverty with her, she's a real welfare winner. wont work, I feel sorry for the child, but they did it.? I dont want him mad at me when he does get older.
I wouldnt mind contact, if she wasnt in the picture, just knowing what they did to me, I feel why should I care about her and her child? they didnt care about me or our daughter, ya know
how are things going for you now.

Our OC is a baby. We haven't established paternity or gone to court. (I want it done, but it will cost us more money than we currently pay, so it hasn't been done yet. H and XOW agreed on a lesser amount for now.) The fact we don't have visitation set through the court has been a little bit of a problem. XOW women doesn't want me around her child. I go w/ H for the exchanges whenever it's possible to ease my mind, and to remind OW that I am in the picture, and I'm not going anywhere. She doesn't seem to like it, and the exchanges can be a little uncomfortable. But, then we get OC and spend quality time w/ OC. At first it was hard for me to see H look at OC. He's very good w/ the OC. We don't have children yet (although I'm pregnant now.) Now, I have come to like the fact he does care about OC, and wants to do what is best for OC. When we have OC it is fine. More and more people are starting to find out, and it's not as hard as I imagined it would be. Most people are supportive, ecspecially when they see you are handling it well. They can help you and be a support system to you. In our case we need to get some kind of custody agreement so XOW can't continue to give us crap about me being there. I don't let it stop me, but she doesn't like it, nor does she allow me to be alone w/ OC. She'd rather cancel her plans than have me babysit. I do worry about what XOW will try to tell OC about me in the future. I'm sure she justifies her actions to herself in some way. I can only hope that my actions will prove to OC that I have been concerned about OC's best interest from the start. I hope OC grows up knowing me and will know the truth whatever XOW wants to say about me.

Boy that shounds like this OW I'm dealing with,, dont want me around child either, Im sure it's only because our H left them, or dont want anything to do with them, they resent us,, How do they think we feel about them? we surely dont want to have to deal with them or OC, they were the ones who decided we were going to be sept parents to their child, shoot Ive never even been married other than to my husband, and he's only been married to me,,, how in the hell can I have a step son? it just kills me.

Yep, XOW even has gone so far as to say that I'm not OC's stepmom. I quickly reminded her that I was and that was her choice not mine. Of course she had to throw in that I chose to stay w/ H. She's a nut! Even her friends are starting to see that! I do think she's still hanging on. I'm sure having the baby makes it that much of a stronger attachment to H. I'm sure most mothers want the biological father for their child. I've tried to be nice, but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. But, I refuse to stoop to her level. I won't let her insult me, but I certainly try to not converse w/ her during the exchanges unless it's necessary. I do ask questions about meds. for OC etc... (She thinks her not talking to me is hurting me in some way.) It only hurts her child because she usually leaves us w/ very minimal instructions for OC. She typically doesn't tell us when OC ate, or needs meds unless H or I ask. I feel sorry for OC. OC is a good baby, and rarely cries. OC has a great temperment. I would like to think that means XOW is a good mother when she's not around us. OC is always clean and appears well cared for. It seems XOW loses her parenting skills in our prescence. Like I said, we have a lot to figure out still, but it seems to be progressing.

Also you know OW like them whom likes married men, those type get to choose who they childs step mommy will be, I guess she should have choose a married man whos wife she likes, like her own best friend maybe, well OW like her, Im sure she had her best friends H too.
What are you going to have that child call you?? just wondering when we start C, what I shall have the child call me.
I dont think I want him to call me by my name, I feel people will think Im heartless, I think MOM will be better, but it will be weird, at least the child will feel like him fits in though.
How about you?
We are going on vacation, so I wont be back till next week,
I sure would like to get your email, and talk more.
here's mine TONeil22@comcast.net
There's a few things I would like to ask,, but not for everybody.
I went to that TOW page, boy alot of OW there, they feel they all have done nothin wrong, boy you should read some of their posts, they hate their MM's wife's.
They are the ones in the wrong..
Oh well, at anyrate I would like to meet our OC, he will be 2 in a week. I hear he's looks just like my daughter, and H.
that kinda bugs me.
It will be hard to see my H give that child attention too, we have a daughter, the OC is a Boy, I feel my 14 girl will be jealious too. she says she has mixed feelings about OC, so we will see,
You take care of yourself, how far along are you?
email me

In the last post,, the word "THEY" should be "THEIR" sorry

I dont think I want him to call me by my name, I feel people will think Im heartless, I think MOM will be better, but it will be weird, at least the child will feel like him fits in though.

The child always has a "Mom" so that might cause some conflict with his bio mom. I think this is something that should be discussed and agreed upon by all parties. I am on a single moms list and there are at least two members who have it in their custody agreements that the children are not allowed to call their stepmothers "Mom" nor their stepdads "Dad." I think most agree to call the stepparents by their first name.

That would make me feel better, but I dont want the OC to feel different from our own, ya know,
I guess whatever the OC wants and feels comfortable doing. as the whole situation is weird and dont feel right.
I dont want him to really feel like an outcast if he does come around.

PLUS the OW would probably get sooooo mad if the OC called the stepmom MOM, MOMMY, ect. lol

I never even thought of that option before now.

What about stepmom. I dont think that would be a BAD thing to be called "hey stepmom can I ..."

sounds ok to me

I grew up w/a stepdad, and I called him by his first name. He was much more of a father to me than my father ever was. As I grew up I realized what a wonderful father he was. I appreciated him more the older I got. I don't think it's weird to call stepparents by their first name. OC is a baby and if she ever chose to call me mom I would definitely allow it. For now I sign cards Dad and "my first name." It will be OC's choice, but I'm expecting it to be my first name. I always felt weird calling my stepdad dad. Now when I refer to him I usually say "my dad" or "my parents." I in no way want to replace OC's mom, I know OC will love mom no matter what. I just want OC to feel comfortable in my home also.

TONEIL22

I just wanted to let you know that I e-mailed you. I know you said you'd be out of town for a while. I hope you have fun!

On the "mom" issue...

We signed OC's cards with my first name prior to visitation, but later OC ASKED to call me mommy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (This was after I told her "daddy and I don't mind you calling step-dad, dad" in diff. conversation). She said she'd just have two moms and two dads!! OC knows who is who.
Her mom was shocked, but didn't stop OC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Whatever works.

Good luck to all,
J
m.18y, 3 kids
OC 6yo