I'm new the board so I don't know any of your lingo or what not, but I thought I would post to see if you all have any advice for me. My husband and I have been married only a year. We celebrated our first anniversery on the 3rd of January. On New Years morning my husband woke me out of bed to tell me something. Supposedly his New Years resolution was not to lie anymore. Well this is what he told me. When we were engaged about 6 months from the date my husband slept with another woman. It was a drunken one night stand with a girl he met on the Internet. Well it turns out just weeks before the wedding she informed him that she was pregnant and is pretty sure the baby is his. He neglected to share this with me at the time. Well he finally decided to let me in on this secret.

When I first found out I was livid. I cried and yelled for hours and finally gave up and went to my moms house. I slept the night there, but was talked into comming back home. My husband and I have decided to try and work this out best we can, but I am so hurt I just don't know how to deal. I'm still pretty young and was hoping the first child in our relationship would be mine. What should I do to get over this hurt and learn to trust him and work it out?

He is taking a paternity test this week and I am nervous about the result. What do I do if this baby is his? Can anyone help?

What do you do? Well If I were you I would wait till you find out if it is true to react. I know it will sicken you if it is his.

I would think about the worse case scenerio and try to go with that because if you have too much hope (of the results coming back negative) and you find out it is his you will fall hard. I have been there and it crushes you. I am not sure how old you are but if your husband is still seeing this woman behind your back basically during your whole marriage I would consider putting down some ground rules and if he doesnt comply and put you first then maybe bailing.
How long did they say they paternity test would take?
Is it court ordered?
If I were you and your hubby I would only deal with the OW through the courts and lawyers.

What has your husband been doing this whole time? supporting the child and bonding with him/her?
Has he been giving her money if so did he get a receipt that states it was toward child support?
Ok I will stop and let you answer a few questions.

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: Cordelia ]</small>

I am 23 yrs old btw. It was not court ordered the paternity test. My husband and I and his parents agreed it needed to be done for our sake and this babies sake. As far as I know there has been no contact with the child or the woman since she told him. He claims he kept this a secret because he did not want to deal with it. He doesn't really want this child at all. He pays no child support and supposedly has only seen pictures. The paternity test takes 7 to 10 days.

We celebrated our anniversery last night like nothing happened, but this morning I woke up in a bad mood. I just don't know where to go from here. If what he says is true I want to work it out.

PLEASE make sure the lab is accredited and make sure that your husband witnesses the blood or mouth swab and they are sealed in the containers right away. If you and your husband are paying for it then maybe u can look at the techs when they do the whole thing safegaurd yourselves.

Do you think she will go for child support if it is his?
Maybe she was just saying it may be his to get attention or see if she could get something from him.
I am sorry to say my own cousin did that many times with her many partners throughout the whole pregnancy telling all the potential fathers they were definately the one and getting monetary support from all of them, for doctors vistits prescriptions clothes ect. Needless to say I disowned her and yes she was a loose woman that slept around and could easily appear on Maury with about 6-8 potential fathers for all of her children. So if your x other woman is like that then maybe its a good chance it is not his. Was she married? if so then her husband is the legal father of the child and there is not much your husband can do if her husband claims the child biological or not.

GET COUNSELING NOW! Do NOT overlook this & the chances of you 2 working this out ON YOUR OWN are not that good.

Yes, don't make any rash decisions until you know the results & then you go from there.

IT is BEST to get everything done through the courts when/if need be.

AND, And, and...........how did he see pictures? He has somehow had some other C w/ OW right? Smells funny to me.

I'm sorry but I find ONS resulting in pg's VERY unbelievable.

I truly believe in marriage & if the worst case scenario happens........you WILL survive this event. IT is shocking & devastating @ the time......but you WILL survive it.

YOu 2 can recover from this. READ EVERYTHING On this site. There are some great MB tools that are very useful & the Harleys ahve counseling services that others swear by. It soudl do you both some good, OC or not!

We're here for you.

Big HUGS!

Don't forget to breathe. take a walk or get some form of excercise everyday. IT will help to keep your mind clear & focused. Make sure to take tiem for yourself, get a strong support network IRL...People that will support your marriage if that is what you want.

And try to remember to eat as well. YOu need your physical strength to help you stay mentally & emotionally stable & strong.

sincerely,
kt

I don't know much about except that she was young like 17 or 18 and had a boyfriend at the time. My husband has a feeling she may have been pregnant when this all took place, but it's not clear why she would say it is his.

She claims she wants nothing, but I have a hard time believing that, because she's being so cool about the situation.

If she does file for child support is my income taken into account? I work very hard for my money and I don't want to suffer anymore because of their mistakes.

He saw pictures the day he told me. We contacted her by e-mail because I needed to hear her side of this situation to determine if what my husband was saying was true. She mailed us back with pictures attached.

tff,

If your H has doubts, as to when this girl got pregnant, what were the dates. Meaning, when did the ons(one night stand) happen, and when was the baby born? If the dates don't match up, then it's no wonder this girl says that she doesn't want anything from your H. Because she knows it's not your H's child. Now, if the dates DO match up, then you need to be prepared for the worse case and the DNA test coming back that your H is the father.

You need to get into counseling, both individual and together as a couple. You need to search deep in your heart and find out if this is something that you can forgive your H for, especially if this child is your H's. If you decide to stay M'd to your H, you need to work together with the POJA(Policy Of Joint Agreement) as to whether you will have contact with the OC(other child) and who the OW(other woman) will contact if there are problems with the OC that your H needs to know about(ie medical issues and what not).

How much of the information have you read on this site? There is TONS of info just on the site, as well as the recommended reading! Look into and read as much as possible. Get your H to read here as well! If you two want to save your M, it needs to be a joint effort, and there is so much to offer here through the forums and reading it is worth the time. It is possible to get past all of this, but it takes time and effort.

Keep posting, and we will all be here to help you through this.

Tigger

Not the answer you probably want to hear but......If I was 23 with no children, newly married and this happened to me I would divorce him and make a new life for myself. That's just what I think.

However, your H did a great thing by confessing to you and that shows a lot of balls in my opinion. And also that he seems very sorry.

Wait until the results are in on the DNA. But either way you still have trust issues that your going to have to deal with.

You have to think about what YOU want in this lifetime. An OC and OW will definately be stressful to deal with but their are some benefits of course if you have contact with the OC. I'm 110% sure that this girl will file for CS for OC if its your H's. And your income is not considered in CS. But you can protect yourself and your assests now. Get everything possible moved into your name only, house, cars etc.

It will be hard to start a new life but its definatly do-able. So think hard on what you want to accept into your life. You have all the choices to make and they will be hard ones!!

I wish luck!!! We are here for you!

TFF,

I can feel in your situation somewhat because there is/will be an OC in my marriage soon. You and I are the same age too. My H cheated on me for 10 days in April of 2004. In May when he told me, two days later we found out she was pregnant. (they worked together in the navy) I was devasted but being the kind of person I am, I comforted my H and told him things would be alright. I didn't marry my H to get divorce. He told me that he didn't want the marriage to end because he loved me to much (blah blah blah). 9 months later, we have worked so hard on making things worked, our marriage has NEVER been this strong. The xOW is a crazy person who just doesn't get anything in life. My H hasn't been part in this OC's life at all (doc apps,ultrasounds,checking on the pregnancy) but she continues to call. She was due monday but has yet to have the baby. I can tell you that it has been the HARDEST time in my life. It probably came as a HUGE shock and you thought it wouldn't ever happen to you. Its hard and sometimes not easy to swallow.
The OW in my case is having a boy. My H has a little girl from a previous marriage so I was so hoping I would be the first one to give him that boy. Well, I guess I was wrong and my heart was broken. I became pregnant 3 months after we found out she was. We were NOT trying and I was on the pill (for 5 years) because a baby right now wasn't the right choice because of the OC coming. As for the OW saying in yoru situation she doesn't want anything, I can tell you that that is a lie. The OW in our situation said that from the beginning but just last week, she told us we needed to get an attorney and she was going to ruin our lives. As for paying of CS, we can't afford it either. With our baby coming, we just dont know what we are going to do. I don't know the OW in your situation but all OW with OC's that have to realize the man stayed with the wife, are scorned. That gives them reason to fight for things. They tend to lose sight of what the REAL issue is and fight just to fight.
Its hard to accept that if this baby is your H that some of the income that helps pay for things will be going to some woman who is a tramp. I can't understand that right now either because it isn't fair. We worked so hard to get where we are and what we have and it can be taken away in a second because of some woman.
What you need to do is sit down with your H and talk. You need to see if he wants to stay in your marriage and make things work. If he does, then you both need to realize that you are a team. You need to work together to figure out what you are going to do. Someone on another board I go to told me one day that even though this OC was something unwanted by you and your H, remember that the OC is HALF of the person you love. I have a hard time accepting it that, but I thought it was a nice way to look at something that might not be very well accepted. If you two are going to work together on this, YOU need to set the boundries with how the contact with the OW is going to go with your H. He isn't to say anything like, well I'll deal with it. No, he hurt you and has NO right to go off and deal with this OW without your input or knowledge! Its your time to realize that this person hurt you and you didn't deserve ANY of this.
If the paternity test comes out positive, it will hurt. Trust me, we are waiting for the baby to be born to get a paternity test although my H says he is 100% sure its his. Although easier said then done, that if you both agree to have contact with the OC, the baby is innocent. I'm still trying to absorb this insight too. I get some of the greatest advice but sometimes its hard to follow or see.
You will be OK though even though you are at the beginning stages of the pain. Its been 9 months in my situation and I've realized that I would be ok. My H is so excited about the birth of our first child in June. Things will be ok and post on MB anytime with any concern. Everyone is here for everyone else!! <<<HUGS>>>

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Hurt5-04 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tff2005:
<strong> I don't know much about except that she was young like 17 or 18 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Among all the other advice, I suggest your H find out her EXACT age at the time he was involved. She may say she doesn't want anything, but even if your H is not the bio father of the baby, if she was a minor at the time, he could be charged with statutory rape, (and not by her, but by the DA). At least in my state he could be. You need some serious legal advice on many fronts.

Wishing you well, and so sorry to see you as such a young lady being touched by adultery.

Take good care of yourself.

~ad

uh yah.....I was thinking the same thing after I read that too!

What the HECK was he thinking? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know it's a dumb question because there are no answers. I've asked it a million times myself so I know.

But that in & of itself takes it to a whole other level.

There are so many levels of issues here. Serious counseling is in order in order to get through all of these.

And YES, DO NOT believe the "I don't want anything" line-----------there will ALWAYS be something that {most <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> } OW want, eventually. Better to get it all taken care of NOW.

How did he know her email address? See...there must have been some form of communication. They communicated when they exchanged email addresses...behind your back! They communicated when she told him she was pg....behind your back! They communicated when she told him she had the baby...behind your back. Lies, upon lies, upon lies-------all behind your back.

Was this someone you knew as well?

Stay strong.


kt

Whether he was still talking to her or not that isn't the issue for me anymore. I'm more worried about where that leaves us. He wants to try and I do to most of the time, but since he told me I also have my stupid brain nagging me. I know this is all fresh and new and I'm sure it gets better, but I just want to be able to sleep at night.

He seems like he's trying. He goes to bed with me every night now instead of staying up. He's been doing nice things for me the last few days. He showed up at work with flowers the other day. I mean does this mean he's trying or is he just trying to make me forget.

We're looking into a marriage counselor this week. I don't know how we'll afford it. Last night we actually openly talked, he answered all my questions and even let me cry. There was no fighting. I was suprised. He says he feels way guilty and that he regrets everything especially because I've been honest since the day we met.

Are these good signs?

Where 'this' leaves you is up to you.

And sure he may be trying now but what is a few days of niceties compared to over a year of lying?

He let you marry him under FALSE pre-tenses. Come on.

I know you are confused, scared ect.

I'm not trying to make you think this is the end of everything becuase I don't beleive it is.

But you must face ALL the issues that there could be & that includes HOW MUCH lying has been going on & if it is still going on. That is why I brought up him communicating w/ her.

Believe me---these issues will come up eventually, one way or another & if you suppress it...then it could come up in a worse & unhealthy way.

You must have a good support network & GOOD marital counseling. Do you have health insurance? Most insurance companies cover counseling/therapy now-a-days w/ only your normal co-pay.

DO NOT overlook this because you think you cannot afford it! This is the most important thing right now---if you have to live off of top ramen for the next few months to afford it---so be it!
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This entire 'recovery' process seems to come up in waves or steps, it's like you finally get over one step & then BAM there is another one (issue) & it will continue until you have dealt w/ all your issues.

IT is not an easy thing to recover from---becuase it is such a SHOCK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ! Noone expects something like this & definately NOT within their first year of marraige!

But you can make it through this. IT takes time. Give yourself plenty of time, there will be good days & BAD days but eventually the good days outnumber the bad ones again.

The things he's 'doing' are great. He is meeting your EN's & trying to win you back---which he should be doing.

SO I guess you wait until the paternity test is done & go from there. If it comes back positive then you must deal not only w/ the infidelity & dishonesty but also now an OC, w/ that comes all it's own set of issues.
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For right now, I think you should just deal w/ YOU. How is this affecting YOU? What do you want to do? It doesn't even matter what we say or advise, all that matters right now is what YOU want to do.

Take care of you right now.
What do you want to do?

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

tff~

Yes, they're "good signs", but until he is characterized by doing "good" things, they aren't very meaningful. If he's serious about "winning" you back, and is truly remorseful, the things he's doing will become part of his EVERYDAY life--not just things he does to get back into your good graces, and then back to same ol'-same ol'. Do not settle for temporary niceness.

Be very careful and be very wise. Think with your head, which by the way...don't ever refer to your brain as stupid for nagging you. It is good to be sensitive, and to have a heart and to listen to your heart, but NEVER discount your brain, and what it's telling you. Your brain is probably more on target at this point.

As I used to tell my kids when they were younger, STOP, LOOK and LISTEN. That's what you need to do. Pay attention to everything, from cell records, to email, to time away from you, and yes, to your nagging brain. Give it some time, then ask yourself, is he creating a life-changing pattern of correct behavior, or is he throwing me some bones?

~ad