This is what I see a majorly bitter and foggy OW call the "BS" over and over again ... this STOW believes we are only playing victim--- we deserve NO sympathy, though, because we CHOSE to keep these cheating bastages when we found out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> [or in non-scorned OW talk] Since we CHOSE TO KEEP OUR PRECIOUS families and marriages together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, another useful piece of info in this twilight zone episode is that this particular OW is very desperately and sadly hangining on to this MM, having sex with him when he wishes (as she is completely ENTITLED to him - since he made promises to her, too-- like entitled even MORE than his wife, since bow down, ya'll, she is pregnant) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and has NO shame in it...

Well, I am digressing here.... as she is merely the STOW that inspired this thread... BUT as a sidenote these bitter, wife-hating OW are in for a horrid time when they realize that MM has equal rights-- and so does the WIFE in her HOME (via the H), who will *also* be the STEPMOTHER and caregiver to the OC if there is contact! Wow Talk about a reality check and a half..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Fortunately, this "wives of cheating husbands" thing has lead me to realize something very positive!!

I personally do not feel I'm a victim any longer-- not for the fog-lady reasons, but because I am happy, I chose the loves of my life (my H and OUR clan)-- AND mostly because I did it for ME- because it is working for ME ME ME!! And THAT is the reason I call myself the "RD" (RESSURECTED DIVA)... and PROMISE myself to remember BETRAYED was only in the Past!!!!

I think some of the BSes here should realize that we are not really living as a betrayed spouse anymore!!!! We are MENDING and LOVING our families! We should rejoice this new year in our new - and many times- improved relationships! Lets try to realize that we are the lucky ones- we know real love and real family and WE ARE strong - the ones that people admire, not feel disgusted by ! If you have contact and are open about it-- give yourself an extra bounce in your step because your H will realize, if not already, how sick he was for amost losing US!! The REAL DEALS!

So... what do you think of the victim status, did you stay for *your* own needs.. AND/OR what might you call yourself, instead of BS ???

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Oh G , you crack me up ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Or should I say RD!
Well, I never considered myself as a victim. I do look back on the last two years and say "How could two people mess up so much and cause the pain we caused each other". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> We took what seemed to others as "The Perfect M" and hurt each other emotionally, financially and phycially! And the damage we have done to my D? Only time will tell. I can say that God had a eye opening experience he put on BOTH of us.

What do I consider myself now?
Very Lucky ! Very Blessed!

I've taken each post I've gotten to heart and learned how to handle things. And all the support I've gotten here I've learned - What to ask. What steps needed to be done. And what NOT to do. !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And first and formost - What did I want from this relationship.

Still working on getting there, but we are finally headed in the right direction.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Giovanna,

I don't feel like a BS anymore.
I'm glad my H wanted to keep our marriage and I'm glad I stayed. I began to reason with myself and said " Why should I hand my H of 8 years ( Good years might I add) over to this OW because she made the choice of laying down with him and having an OC knowing he was married. I've made sure that I do the opposite of what she thinks I might do. A couple of days after Xmas my H and I went to drop off some shoes for OC that we had given him for Xmas but they were the wrong size so we exchanged them. OW came outside with the OC and my H brought him to the car so I could see him. OC is adorable and I love children so of course I'm playing with him while she stands and watches. We say our goodbyes and she gets to watch my H and I drive off together and it's beautiful. What's even more spectacular is what my H said when we drove off, he said " Sweetie, you know she's hating you for hangin in there, but I love you for it ". This is what these OW's expect us BS's to do, drop our men so they can make them feel like they've picked them up. Well not my H. I'm not giving him to anyone. When OW decided to keep OC I realized that I'll probably have to deal with her for the rest of my life, but what OW did'nt think about was that she would also have to deal with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and I'm sure OW did'nt count on that!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This topic struck a chord w/ me. XOW made that comment one time when I told her she had made the choices to put herself in this position. During the conversation she made sure to point out that "You chose to stay w/ him." I'm sure she wanted me to leave. I think that was the plan w/ the baby. (There were way too many coincidences for me not to believe that.) She tried to tell me that this was her and H's child and any decisions they made were between the two of them. I told her that's where she was wrong, I am H's wife and I will be involved in any decisions he makes concerning OC. I reminded her how when she calls he always says he has to get back to her, and that is so he can discuss it w/ me first. She got very quiet. I also reminded her that I was OC's stepmom, and H and I both care for OC when OC is w/ us. She said no I wasn't OC's stepmom. I said "No, I am, and that was your choice, not mine." It's funny, but things have improved since that conversation. I can tell it bothers her when she gives OC to us, the first time she had tears in her eyes. I'm sure she thought I would just step out of the picture and she could have H and her happy little family. H says he wouldn't have been w/ her if I did leave, but I'm sure OW thought differently. I don't think any of this is what she planned. I just wish she would have thought about all of this before she ruined so many lives.

Yes Sunny and Tan, we WERE the victims of lies and deceit.. oh, and of horny, selfish people who could not deal with reality the way adults need to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But you are both on point- Sunny, like you, myself and H let things get ugly and we were hurting each other so much that the breaks were not put on fast enough. Sure H sucks rotten eggs for finding an ego-stroker and piece of soothing [censored] instead of dealing.... but thru that same piece of "soothing" [censored]- he was burnt, fried and sizzled beyond his wildest dreams. And she is a point of humiliation now.

Tan, YES there was NO WAY I was going to just say forgetaboutit ---I DO NOT feel ashamed for wanting to keep my man ! The SHAME AND PITIFUL one is an OW who fights for a man who was never hers but through his d*ck once or twice a week and some telephone convo??? THAT is desperate and doormatty. We HAVE LOTS OF PRECIOUS things to fight and put ourselves out there for ! If anything EVER to fight for and lose sleep and some dignity over-- it BETTER be my family and Husband ONLY!

What many people not it the situation CANNOT realize is-- these little secret relationships CAN be just a BIG BUMP in a chapter of a REAL love story.. a REAL family history-- even the bad parts included !! OC included or not included-- has really little meaning to the state of our marriage if we want a GOOD AND HEALTHY ONE NOW!

Many, many times this is TRULY the beginning of a much closer and more carefully and honestly-built marriage!

All of you ladies here TRY TRY TRY to keep the faith! Keep your chin up and rename yourself in your head.. something like mine "RD" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You all say it sooo well!! Thank you for the upbeat, positive influences!

You guys say it soo well.

I would like to call myself SUPERWOMAN. That is what I am.

You guys are soo right about these OW and what they do/did that they did not thnik about. I despise the fact that I now have to share my life with this woman for rest of my life, bu as someone said I hope SHE is ready to deal with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Whether she likes it or not I am OC stepmom and it will be that way.

Many anights I wanted to break down and cry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> over the whole situatuion, but THANKS to the help of you guys I now see that I will not allow her or H to let me suffer like that. I everyday am working on makeing my marriage EVEN BETTER than what is was before.

all i can say is HURRAY TO US for being the BIGGER AND BETTER woman!!!!

Hope 2005 brings everyone here the best year yet

Love you all

lonely

So, Lonely, you WANT to be called BBW, now? (Big and Better Woman)?

Nah, thats already taken- as in "big beautiful woman" like in the personal ads! hahahahhaaa!!!!

Couldn't resist that one!

You ladies are truly amazing, and I for one am glad you see that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gio

you just had to go there right

That was a good one though

Thanks!! Ill stick with Supewrwoman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told her that's where she was wrong, I am H's wife and I will be involved in any decisions he makes concerning OC. I reminded her how when she calls he always says he has to get back to her, and that is so he can discuss it w/ me first. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wife30-- I don't get the confusion on OW's part -- its not like anything has changed (theoretcially) -- WE did not step out or say "I'm done w/him- you have him!!!.. and then changed our minds!!!! We were there before, and we are still there now- so why so bitter NOW- why so against WIFEY - you embraced her existence before, obviously! And also, nothing has changed in regards to the fact that WE ARE WOMEN -- and WHO IS THE MAJOR CARETAKERS SINCE forever????? I don't care how wonderful the daddy is-- its a fact of life-- you KNOW who babies favor -- and who makes most decisions regarding babies and cares best for them???!!! Any OW w/an OC and contact must come to grips with this part!

So OW just have to suck up the nonsense and the drama- and be nice to us cause you are in OUR HOUSE NOW-- You must love your new baby-daddy's-wife (STEPMOMMY)! hahahahaa! Oh, and buy us presents too! We like gift certificates!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you just had to go there right </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL.. I really think that is my "job" in life.. to be the one to GO THERE, no matter where "there" is.. hahahaha!

Hey finding! How are you honey? Whats a good name to describe who you are now, instead of "WS" ?

Wife30-oh I had THAT same conversation---so many times w/ OC mother! duh!

I think the first time OW tried to tell me that "this was none of my business & didn't concern me"--(because OC was NOT my child) I quickly reminded her WHO washes OC clothes, takes her to the bathroom & feeds her so ANYthing concerning OC--concerns ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She didn't look @ me but couldn't ignore me anymore after that, when I asked her ??? about OC.

tan: YEP! I remember when i made that decision within my heart too------OW was gonna have to deal w/ ME for the next 15 or so years as well! I'm in her life as much as she is in MINE! And big laugh on her becuase SHE chose that.

No, we don't have C anymore but you better believe we & I still write to OC & send her stuff. This month when OC opens her birthday box from us---it will contain the most beautiful, handmade, crocheted blanket w/ hearts running all through it. Did daddy buy it? NOPE--MOMMA KT made it! Imagine when people admire it---MOMMA KT made it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
(little evil laugh here)

I made it for Oc becuase I wanted too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I love to crochet & have gotten quite proficient @ it & OC saw me making it when she was still with us--now it's finished & voila'!

SO let's see------I had the man, OW stepped in--got pg--- I STILL got the man, OW has to share OC w/ ME, had our own child---even went on to have MORE, got the devotion, love & respect that I deserve, look like a saint AND I even crochet BETTER than OW! lol

AND not once did I ever have to beg, steal, lie, cheat, lower myself or my standards to get it!

I know I know, some STOW might think ----"yah, you're some great person, so great that he cheated on YOU!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> THat's absolutely right---he did--but NEVER did I ALLOW him too!

IT was not something easy to deal w/ or recover from but we did. And I'm glad we did.

I've said it before & I'll say it again:
I THOUGHT when I married my H that he was the man of my dreams-----hello mcfly?-uh no! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He wasn't BUT he has truly TURNED into the man of my dreams through all of this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And I thought I was some weak & needy person----hello again mcfly---I just showed the real strength I never knew I had!

And no, OC is no longer in our lives right now----but I have no doubt she will be again someday. And I'll STILL be her 'momma-kt'.


ooo
xxx
kt

PS: giovanna-STOP reading 'over there' & bringing back that nonsense! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And what do I call myself now?

I like being back to K&E sometimes I'm just plain ol' kt but mostly it's K&E and I like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Although I do usually go around the house calling myself the QUEEN. And every member of the ktbunch was fully aware that there is only ONE QUEEN & that is ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And you can't be the queen unless you are married to the KING! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is all new and fresh for me still, but thank you for allowing me to see the positive side. He's still here because he loves me and I'm still here because I love him. We bonded the momment we met and both say, we knew we were meant to be married for the rest of our lives the momment we laid eyes on eachother, So why shouldn't we try. I can learn to forgive what he did and I can learn now to stand up for myself and demand the treatment I deserve. From reading this it brought tears to my eyes again, but not sad tears, tears of hope. Thank you all!

I think I'll call myself Wonderwoman.
Only problem is I don't have the body to go with it. YET,LOL

Let me say that I very seldom post, but you ladies simply ROCK!! I have been amazed by not only your strength, but that you are able to find the humor in situations that would break most people.

First of all, this experience has been very humbling, to say the least. It has also forced me to search within myself and drew me closer to God. I still struggle with anger, thoughts of vengeance, bitterness and unspeakable rage. However, I do not become mired in these emotions and strive to face each day with faith.

Through it all, WH and I are dealing with this one day at a time. Baby-Mama brought a lot of drama to my life 2 years ago, making it a living hell. She had access to WH's email account and made it her business to stalk and harass me by email (through a supposedly untraceable yahoo account. But, if she expected me to hide, she messed with the wrong woman.

I am a VICTOR—not a VICTIM! It galls OW to no end that I haven't dumped WH. Although I've come close to it, she'll never know it. It angers her that I have broken her evil spell (b*tchcraft) over my marriage. She can't stand it that like the Duracel bunny, I've taken a licking, but have kept right on ticking.

WH wants our marriage and has been working hard at it. WH has offered to give me all the time I need to accept and have C with OC. In other words, he wants to include ME in the equation—something that has shocked OW to no end. I'm not quite ready for that yet, but I imagine one day I will. I've already set the ground rules under with C would take place if I wanted it, the main one being that OW is not to set foot into any home in which WH and are living. Whatever compassion I may have for OC does not extend to a vindictive tramp who screwed him. WH readily agreed. My home is MY turf! And, there is room for only ONE queen bee, and I'm IT! Evidently, OW is bitter and beside herself because the little soap opera that she helped to script and cast is not being followed according to her little storyline—you know, the one that was supposed to end in a happy ending with her, WH and OC living together as a family happily ever after. Well, I'm sorry, but that part of the film is on the cutting room floor!

Sorry, OW—but save the drama for your own mama!

I've always thought that ow have not a simple clue as to what real love is. When a husband chooses to stay with his wife, they are in for a rough road. These men have alot of hell to walk through before they are ALLOWED to stay in the marriage. It would be much much easier to walk away and be with the ow. Afterall, she would be thrilled. If he had any feelings of love for the ow, it would be much easier to go with her. But rarely does that happen. Love is so much more then sex in a car or motel. So very much more.

However, since the husband does not want to be with the ow, they have to justify in their minds why. So many think it is cause of the kids or finances,etc. To face the truth, they would have to admit that they were an embarrassment, a mistake, etc. That while they may see their child as a blessing, he and his family see the whole mess as a mistake to be addressed and moved on from. That would be a hard pill to swallow.

I too have read where they hate the "[censored] dad" and how they blame the evil conniving BW, etc. Never once thinking that the XMM and his family feel the same way about her! That in that marriage, the ow is viewed in a negative light. That other family members will be viewing her poorly also. That his efforts, time and emotion are on his wife. I read where they are all upset that the XMM is lavishing time, gifts and affection on his children. AHHHH DUHHHHHHH It's called being a family, a father, a husband. The ow and her plight is not a concern. She was a mistake. If he is choosing no contact, then so be it. That is THEIR choice on how to deal with a mistake. They are choosing to live their lives and move on from the mistake. Of course he is going to lavish time and attention on his children. THAT IS HIS FAMILY. He is probably living each day thankfull that he was given another chance.

What ow don't realize is that the break in the marriage is over. That healing DOES take place and it is from words and actions. That the XMM is seducing his wife, is wooing her and is doing everything he can to fix them. He is putting up with the 1000 questions, and while he answers them, he is holding his wife while she cries and he is kissing her forhead and is soo very sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused. He is loving her up something fierce. And when ow is brought up, she i a "mistake" "embarrassment"

The ow is the " how stupid was I". We all have that one we dated that we shudder when we think about.

Overall, the ow is not worth your thought at all. Her plight is hers to deal with. If she is uppitity about sharing her child, well consequences........she should have planned better.

Bottom line, if ow is upset, scared, nervous, whatever, who cares? That is her problem.

ENJOY your husband. LET HIM SEDUCE YOU!!! Enjoy his time and his love. This is YOUR marriage and you two both make mistakes. Move past them and enjoy life!!! LIVE LAUGH LOVE!!!!! This is not the worse thing that can happen in life. So go and enjoy your husband. Together, tuck the kiddies in to their beds, all warm and snuggly, and the two of you go to your bedroom for some adult playtime!!!! ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And once healed, we are no longer victims!!! We are to busy with life to be!!! It's like breaking a legg in a car accident. While it heals you are a victim, once it is mended and you can continue your life as normal, you are healed. No longer a victim. Soon you forget about it!!! Same thing for this!!!!!

GO AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE!!! Quit giving a stupid mistake any control over you!!! CHOSE TO BE HAPPY AND GO FOR IT!!!

I love you guys

You are the best!!!!!11 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> DOtn know where I would be without you.

When I grow up I want to be like KT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !! you are soo strong, i look up to you.

[QUOTE] I've said it before & I'll say it again:
I THOUGHT when I married my H that he was the man of my dreams-----hello mcfly?-uh no! He wasn't BUT he has truly TURNED into the man of my dreams through all of this!

YOu were so right on that. If anything this A has mad our marraige BETTER THAN EVER!!! My H is turning COMPLETELY into the man of my dreams.

Lynn, thank you for your wonderful post. You eloquently highlight the hypocrisy of OW's, as well as their delusional thoughts.

I also love how they resent it when you and H live in a nice home that the two of you put all of your labor into as a team. Granted, these OW's are often led down a primrose path of deception by choosing to believe lies about us (we're hags, unsexy, etc.). But, that is still no excuse to lay down with someone else's man and then think that things are going to magically work themselves out with WH just because OW is pregnant and has had OC. Evidently, no one ever told them to be prepared to raise that child alone. And, heaven forbid if WH doesn't dance to OW's tune or jump through hoops for OC.

Hmmmm . . . and, they say WE'RE bitter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ladies, you are amazing! you've lifted my spirits today ...
I am not a victim anymore (not ever 'played' one as OW wants WxH to believe).
I am not a BS (or BxW) anymore ...
As Giovanna once said "THE DESTRUCTION OF MILY MUST END" ... and now I can say "THE NEW MILY IS EMERGING" ...

I'm starting to find peace within myself ... and not letting OW's and WxH situation affect me anymore ... if they want to destroy themselves together ... who am I to stop them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do like the fact that OW will have to deal with me for the rest of her life ... OW even says that I don't love WxH ... I don't .. I love the man that he was before her ... and she will never have him like that ... OW will never have him to her self and no one else ...

My life does not revolve anymore around WxH and OW ... I'm stronger and wiser because of this ... and because all the support on this board.

All my respect to all of you!