My husband had an affair three months after we married while I was pregnant with our first child. He had another affair with the same woman while I was pregnant with our second child (he said it was because he thought being with OW was the only way he'd ever get to see OC). It has taken us many years to get to the point where we can move past most of the hurt and insecurities created by his betrayal. Although there are still some issues, I feel our marriage is very strong and loving. We care for my son of a previous relationship, our daughter and our son of this marriage. Of course, what has made this situation even more difficult, is the existence of the other child, who was born in between my daughter and youngest son, and dealing with her psychotic and sadistic mother.

OC is now four years old, only six months younger than our daughter. We have been struggling with the other woman since the other child's birth about parental time and responsibility and child support. There have been years where we've had oc in our home 50% of the time, and years where we don't get to see oc at all. We have documented everything on calendars for the last four years. The other woman does not want me to be in her child's life. She has fabricated stories of abuse by my husband and I to try to keep us away from the child. The allegations of abuse have been proven false by a few pediatricians and child psychologists. Still, she struggles to find new reasons to deny us visitation with her daughter. She will allow us access to the child only on her terms - which have proven to be, at the least inconsitent, at the most downright unfair. Her pattern seems to be to allow visitation when she has a new lover or hectic social schedule, and to deny us whenever she is upset with us about anything or has nothing better to do. She has made demands that she be present during visitations at our home or the homes of my family, for the first year of OC's life OW would supervise our visits herself - and only in public places. We have had many uncomfortable family get togethers because she has been present.

Recently, my stepfather died in a car accident. My stepfather was quite attached to the other child, as she is the most quiet and pleasing of all our children. They seemed to connect well together. I called the other woman to relay the bad news and request that the other child attend the celebration of his life (not the funeral/viewing - I thought it wouldn't be appropriate for a four-year-old). OW insisted that she attend with her child, as she has not allowed us to see OC since June and refuses to allow us to see her child alone. Although I was uncomfortable with the thought of allowing her into a family situation wrought with so much sadness and emotion, I reluctantly agreed. She never came and she never called to offer an explanation or apology.

So, Christmas Eve, knowing we couldn't call her (she has threatened us with Harrassment charges for calling) my husband and I stopped by her apartment to drop off Christmas presents for her daughter. We did not cause a scene, we came and went quietly and quickly, and we were thrilled just to see the child's face light up when she saw us. FYI - it was ten-thirty in the morning, her house was completely dark, both her and the child were not dressed and the apartment was completely trashed - with beer bottles, ashtrays, and garbage everywhere, we couldn't even see the floor! The other child was very happy to see us - until she noticed that her mother was furious, then she clammed up and wouldn't look at either my husband or myself, that's when we left. We returned home to a message that if we ever came to her house again she would call the police. She also stated that if we wanted to see the child all we had to do was call (which was a lie). My mother also had gifts for other child, after what we had experienced on Christmas Eve I told my mother to mail the gifts, instead she called other woman and made arrangements for a visit at my grandmother's house to watch the other child open her gifts. I'm furious! Other woman allowed a nearly three hour visit with my mother and grandmother!! My husband called to ask if we could have a visit....even after she said we just needed to call if we wanted to see her - she said NO!! She told my husband to contact her lawyer - which he had been trying for two months a few months back, but the lawyer never returned his calls. He did speak with her lawyer last week, who told him that the reason he never returned our calls was because other woman said "It's all taken care of, don't worry about it" - basically she told us never to call her again; call the lawyer - and then told the lawyer not to call us back!

Mostly I am furious with my mother. I have been dealing with other woman for many years, I know that she would (if allowed) arrange secret meetings with my family members with other child - and I know that my mother would keep these meetings a secret so that she would be allowed to see other child and not have to deal with my emotional responses to the issue! In the beginning my mother told me that she didn't understand why I wanted to be a part of the other child's life and if she were me she would divorce my H and never deal with OW/OC again. I don't feel that she deserves to be allowed visitation with a grandchild she tried to push out of my family to begin with! I don't know how to handle my feelings of betrayal by my family or the anger I feel toward other woman for black-balling my husband and I while allowing visits with MY family!!

My husband and I are saving money to hire a lawyer and try to get some sort of parenting time. There is a child support order but no custody arrangement. The inconsistency of the visitations are really affecting our children and other child in a highly negative way. Other child seems very confused, and I may be wrong, but it's as though she feels guilt! Is that possible for a four-year-old? She'll shy away from us in the presence of her mother and blossom around us when her mother is absent. When she's allowed a phone call from my husband she won't say "I love you" or "I miss you", though when she's allowed visitations she's very lovey and cuddly.

I am having a difficult time with this emotionally, it is starting to affect other relationships in my life that I never thought Other Woman could get to. I am so angry! I am tired of always dealing with the drama surrounding the OW, even after four years!! It seems as though she is always going to do whatever it takes to make our lives a living hell! I feel OW is using OC as a pawn to punish my H and I, not to mention our children, who developed a tight bond with their sister in the times we were allowed to see her.

I don't know what to do! I want so badly to retaliate against OW - am having fantasies about causing her pain and injury, though I know I am not capable of this, I think about it everday.

OW even denied us visitation for six months because we missed a weekly visit when our youngest son was diagnosed with liver cancer! During this same time, my H had to quit his job and we were very poor. I told OW that I could afford to pay the child support, but I couldn't pay the arrears ($4,000) so she dropped the arrears. Then, a month later, she had them re-instated - saying that she decided it wasn't in OC's best interest, even though the support order didn't even go through until 2003, coincidentally this was immediately following an argument OW had with my H. I can't stand it! I feel like this is going to be a lifelong struggle, and I don't know if I can manage this much emotional stress for the rest of my days for a mistake I didn't even make! Why is OW so vengeful? And why can't she see that the only person truly suffering is her little girl?

Sorry this is so long....if anyone has advice I would really appreciate it. Please help.

FIRST: you & H need to decide TOGETHER what it is you really want--NC or C w/ OC.

THEN you MUST get everything handled through proper legal channels. I cannot believe you have not done this yet & have gone through this nightmare for 4 years. YOu could have saved yourself lots of anguish.

Even the CS & arrears thing could have been handled legally & through the courts. YOu could have explained to the courts about son's illness & H loss of work & they probably would have lowered your CS.

YOU are NOT responsible for OC CS, only H is.

As far as your mother is concerned. I would have a SERIOUS talk w/ her! OF COURSE OW will be all lovey dovey to YOUR mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

THere is NO reason for your mother to be going BEHIND your back like this for a child who is NOT even biologically related to her. I understand having emotional attachment & loving this child anyway---but there has got to be boundaries & she should respect YOUR wishes! Tell her next time to mail anything she has for OC & decide on a realistic consequence if she goes against your boundary.

How could OW file harrassment charges against a father calling his own child? This is another reason you MUST go through the courts to get this situated.

About that 4 yo behavior---yes it is common. Our OC acted VERY similiar to what you are describing. OC is afraid of displeasing mother (OW) so will act indifferent around her, towards you guys. BUT when OC is away from OW---then she is 'free' & relaxed to show how she really feels. THere is NO pressure from OW.

For us the therapsit explained it like this:::OW has created a situation & relationsip w/ OC that makes OC responsible for OW emotional health.

It is very twisted--that was our experience @ least & we even had to go to therapy for OC 'emotional problems, due to dad being IN her life'. LOL THe therapist determined that the problems were really about OW & her own unhealthy relationship w/ OC & that OC really needed us so that OC could have an 'escape' from that(OW) pressure.

That was our conclusion as well. But we are currently in NC w/ OC. Too much baby mama drama for me, us & our children. IT took it's toll & so it had to end. @ least until OW can get her act together!

Stay strong. We're here for you.

You are in the right place.

Get legal counsel ASAP & continue to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!