<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Again!!

My H contacted her lawyer (see my previous post) and they have an appointment on the 11th to try and get something in writing for visitation and parenting time. My H is so tense I can't even talk to him. Not to mention all of the issues we've been having with my mother and grandmother. My whole family hates him, they can't forgive him for the A and they take shots at him every opportunity they get. So, I'm not speaking to my family, the OW is not allowing H to see OC, and I'm walking around with that knot in my stomach again - a feeling I thought I was done with a long time ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

H isn't talking to OW - there's been NC for nearly seven months, but every time an issue surrounding OW or OC is brought up my H blows a gasket and all of a sudden he's short tempered and snaps at me about every little thing. I tried to talk to him about it-keeping his temper, I mean....but he just gets angry with me and says I'm not being there for him or I'm not being supportive.

About two years after D-Day my H and I separated for three months. I told him that I wanted a divorce. He told me that I was free to do whatever I wanted (to date other people) and in a fit of anger I had a ONS with a complete stranger. I told my H immediately afterward, and shortly thereafter we decided to give it another shot. Thing is, now he uses it to keep me from being allowed to be angry with him about OW/OC. And I feel so guilty about what happened that I drop whatever it was I was angry about and stuff all the emotions that come with it.

I don't know. I can feel our relationship grumbling low like a volcanoe ready to erupt and I don't want to have put all of this love and energy into our marriage for nothing after four years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We aren't an affluent family. We can't afford counseling, we can't even afford a lawyer to help us with OC situation, and I'm getting to the end of my rope. I know that this is hard for my H and I understand, but I'm tired of being the one he takes his anger out on when OW is screwing with his life. I don't think it's my responsibility.

Am I just being selfish?!

HOney its hard you are not being selfish


CAn i give you some scriptures that help me. Im not trying to force religion on anyone but since my A has happened i have turned to God more, my realtionship with God has gotten stronger. Honey all you can do is turn things to him. But let me know if these help.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the broken-hearted And binds up their wounds
1 Peter 5:7
unload all your burden on to him, since he is concerned about you.

Matthew 21:22
if you have faith you will receive whatever you ask in prayer.'

Philippians 4:6
Do not worry about anything. But pray and ask God for everything you need. And when you pray, always give thanks.


My prayers are with you. If you would like to talk more off the board please let me know i can give you my email address.

lonley

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: lonely315 ]</small>

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: lonely315 ]</small>

Start walking. Get rid of the anxiety building up in your body. Also, start taking some slooooow deeeeep breathes. Calm now?

1. Tell him CALMLY that while you understand his frustration, you will not be abused for a situation HE created. That he has a right to be angry, but to quit lashing out at YOU.


2. As for your ONS. Next time be rams that in your face, calmly tell him that you were not together at the time, it was not a relationship, and that it does not have you facing the situation he is dealing with.

3. Your family. SHAME ON THEM. You are right in holding them back for a while. HOWEVER, until he PROVES that he is worthy of your love and respect, they are going to be on guard FOR you. Could it be they sense is anger and are worried about you? Maybe you should talk this out with them.

4. TAKE CARE OF YOU. This is his mess, let him clean it up. When he is taking care of this mess in a grown up fashion, be there, by his side. When he starts lashing out at you, tell him CALMLY that you will not take that treatment for a problem of his making and walk away.

This will all, in time, work it's way out. Don't let it destroy you while you are going though it.

LG you give such good adivce

I agree w/ LynnG. This year I have created a new phrase called "rocking out", basically meaning to take time and do things that make you feel better and complete. So I suggest that you " Rock out and do you as only you can. Pamper yourself to a manicure or a nice evening on the town. Fall in love with YOU! Take some time to be selfish if that's what you call it, and make yourself, your happinesss, your health and well being a priorty. I've found by investing more time into uplifting myself all the troubles seems to fall in the background. Additionally, I've found that all the problems that arise get worked out eventually so stop stressing and becoming upset. It's hard to do but once you start practicing it it gets a little easier. Remember that your husband is married to You and wants to be your husband not w/ the O. Don't allow the stupid petty antics of a probable jealous ow hinder the greatness you and your hubby are destined to experience together. Hope this helps.
__
Cali

Feel a lot better today, H and I talked alot last night and all of you are right - I shouldn't stress because in the end things always work out.

Thanks for all of the great advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just a little side note, if I may....

OW is NOT causing fights between you....as much as your xOM is causing the fights.

You 2 are arguing because you have unresolved issues & are majorly stressed out.


H is totally stressed out & is lacking in the self-control department & takes it out on you. Unfair? yep.

Can you talk to him, in a calm moment (before the tension builds) & approach it then?

Maybe read over the POJA again & bring that along for the discussion. Create a plan of action together.

For example, you BOTH decide, that if he is feeling exceptionally stressed out, he lets you know & you give him space until he is ready to talk about it w/ you calmly....so neither of you blow a gasket & start LB all over the place just because you can't communicate---I mean, whatever works for you 2.

I just didn't want you to start putting misplaced blame because once you start doing that it is really easy to fall into the trap of blaming OW for everything (even the weather LOL) and then the real issues still don't get resolved.


*disclaimer: this is not to say OW didn't have a part or is absolved of her responsibility in this mess-but OW is not responsible for MM behavior, including mistreatment of his wife, any more than W is responsible for H dumping OW!


xoxoxoxoxo
kt