Hi there...

Is it ok to ask H not to have contact with oc?

And should H accept that this is how i feel (at the moment anyway) and agree?

Paternity test is in a week and if the oc is his, H is leaning towards contact and i am having a hard time with this.

any help would be greatly appreciated..

btw, oc was born from a one night stand with ex best friend


any reply would be appreciated.

btw, oc was born from a one night stand with ex best friend


any reply would be appreciated.

Of course, it's ok if you don't want contact!! And if that is what you ultimately decide, your H should respect your feelings. But your feelings may "ping-pong" back and forth for awhile.
Have you and your H started counseling? I found that helped tremendously when we were deciding contact or no contact. Plus being on anti-depressants helped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

peace
ent

I think what you need to do is sit your H down and discuss your honest feelings with him. Tell him that you do not think you can handle C at this point. Be totally honest with him. Then let him be totally honest with you also. This is something you really need to come to terms with together. If you request comes off as a demand that he can't see OC, then it could cause problems in your M recovery. Just have an honest discussion with your H and come to an agreement together.

Hope this helps!

No at this time we can't afford counselling. I'm on pogi right now and with lawyer's fees and everything else, it's a little tight.

Would it help him if he sought ic?

The thing w/ the IC is that it will ONLY be about HIM & what HE wants....which may not be condusive to what is best for your marraige.

Ent is right.....(can you believe I said that ent?LOL) your feelings on this, most likely WILL go back & forth & his feelings too. So it is VERY crucial that you BOTH talk it out together so that you can come to a decision that you BOTH agree w/.

Read up on this site about POJA. IT must be a decision that you can both live w/ for now.

I know that many people disagree w/ this POV..........but you focus on your marraige now & when you 2 are more stable & secure in your marraige then maybe you can revisit the C idea later. YOu would have to incorporate it slowly but it is a possibility.

THere are risks to that (& to any decision you make) Either way there are risks.

I am personally for putting the marraige first.
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NOONE can make this decision for you.

You can't force NC on H & he can't force C on you.

You must be honest w/ yourself as well as him.

As must he. You both have to do some soul searching to decide what you personally can live w/ & what you will do about it.

sincerely,
kt

PS: many churches offer FREE counseling. DO you go to church? You might want to look into that.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Have you checked with your or h's insurance? ALOT of companies have some kind of mental health counseling. My h's job had some free counseling available.
As for would it help for h to have his own counseling? I would say it wouldn't hurt. My h had some VERY intense counseling. He was a serial cheater. For so many years, I went for counseling. But he had the problem...I just wasn't aware of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Check either of your insurance. See if the job itself offers limited counseling.

good luck
ent

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: entwifejmr ]</small>

Thank you so much for your input. This is a great forum with a lot of strong ladies (men?) that are very giving. I know that it is a difficult decision for my H to make, he told me he would consider nc for a year until we see where we stand. My problem is i can't seem to get past the part where the whole d**n thing happened. I still can't believe he did this to me and our D. Where the h*ll was his mind at? His heart? His conscience? I've only known for about a month and a half. It's very difficult to deal with and maintain some kind of home life for our D.

Thanks for listening.

Been there...done that! They don't think with the "correct" part of their anatomy.
Just breathe and let your family help you. Keep the lines of communication very open with your daughter. My daughter was 12 when this happened. My goal was to keep her "off the pole". (chris rock bit)
She knew she could ask me or her dad anything. Her main concern was if we still loved each other. We both kept reassuring her that was true. It seems like the mom has so much work in these matters. You are trying to keep yourself together, your man together, your children together....etc.
Ask for help. That would be my biggest advice. If you get the crap of,"I wouldn't stay with him!", ignore them and find someone who is TRULY on your side

peace

ent

Betrayed One, my H also had A w/ex best friend and they produced OC. It's still relatively new for you since you just recently found out and it takes a long time to get through it, believe me. I've known for over a year about this latest A and it just ended in November. OC was born in August. I struggled with (and still kinda do) the whole contact issue. We are in the process now of having paternity test established so that visitation can be set up. In my situation, though, I felt that living w/my H knowing that he has OC and not being able to see him would make our lives miserable because my H loves his kids. I've grown to accept the fact that he has an OC and I have vowed to love that child as I do my own because he is a product of someone I love. And I realize it's not OC's fault on how he got here, the fact of the matter is that he his here. Also, I didn't want to be blamed down the road for not allowing the C. H at one point said it was up to me about C and I told him it was unfair to put that on me. He understood after hearing it come from my mouth. It's a rough road, I won't lie. But if you're strong and keep your faith up (which I'm sure you ARE!!) you'll be fine!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Michele Hall:
<strong> H at one point said it was up to me about C and I told him it was unfair to put that on me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Michele...
Same here. H told me it was MY decision. HELLO! At that point, I knew I was not in a position to make ANY kind of big decision.
I admire you for contact. I felt the same....eventually. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ent

I told him that i don't think i can handle it right now, the pain and anger are so overwhelming. By the end of January, when the paternity test is in, then i will know which way my life is going. H says that he wants to be with me, our family, but doesn't know if he can "turn his back on his child" and just pay support. I feel that if he choosese contact, he'll be turning his back on "us". I know that this is probably wrong, but that's the way i feel. It should be us. The child and wife he knows. OC is a year and a half and he has never had contact. I asked him why he didn't have c and he said he felt it was wrong. What's the difference now that i know? He wouldn't have to feel like he's sneaking around to see his son.
I'm so confused. I don't even know what i want.
I

Betrayed,

The OC was born 4 days ago and the paternity test is in the next week or so. I don't want any contact at all and I know my H knows that. He is leaning towards that as well even though we know it is his (born with a BUNCH of red hair). So I think its FINE and NORMAL to ask that and your H should respect that. The H's forget that even though the OC is COMPLETELY innocent, its a daily reminder of what happened and it makes you remember what did happen. If you are trying to heal those wounds, IMO, it opens them up again because you have to deal with OW.....

I am so sorry for your situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What is it with people? Why can't they just leave well enough alone? My H had a one night stand, got drunk and did the nasty. I believe it was only once. (i think) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> But now, because there was a child involved, I have to decide what to do with my life? I decided that when i got married, that i would be faithful, loving etc....This was not MY decision. Not MY choice. So why now does it come down to whether or not "i" can accept the fact that he might want visitation? If not, there goes the marriage?!?

WTF is wrong with this picture? Sorry, a little peeved at the moment.

When you first find out the situation is extremely overwhelming. It is very early for you to truly know what you want. At first H kept insisting he didn't (think)he wanted wanted contact. I knew him well enough to know that I didn't think he could do that. I encouraged him to do what he thought he needed to do for OC, regardless of what I could handle. I would decide whether I could handle his decisions or not, but I did want to know what his decisions were regarding OC. We've yet to have the paternity test, which is a sore issue for me, but we do see OC (not regular visitation, but we do have contact.) It is not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. OC is the innocent victim in all of this. The hardest issue I have is w/ XOW because she doesn't seem to have let go, and does not want me around OC. She seems to be having a harder time w/ it than I am. It does get easier. Your friends and family will support your decision, whatever you decide. My H does say that OC is a constant reminder of what he did. Not just betraying me, but that there's a child that is being raised w/o a father figure in it's life everyday. He has a lot of guilt, and that makes it hard for him. He doesn't push for visitation, but if XOW offers it, he usually takes it.

Betrayed,

Well everyone on here that has to deal with the OC whether it be NC or C, has a lot of figure out. I think EVERYONE is different. It doesn't make you terrible if you want NC. I think it depends on the person and how you want your life to go. I know in my situation, I can't imagine C because of the OW and how crazy she is. I KNOW that she planned this pregnancy. My H was talking to some people he works with and they got mad at him for not going to the birth of OC. They don't know I'm pregnant but he finally said well, you know, I need to make things on the home front better because I try to accept this situation and my W is pregnant. They were SHOCKED and said, well that changes things and they said, You know Mike 90% in the crew KNOW and believe she planned the pregnancy. So that made me feel good and my H too because he knows that he and I are NOT the only ones who think the OW is crazy. I am a very forgiving person and very warm-hearted but I feel that is some piece of mind that this woman KNEW she was destroying something she should NOT be touching therefore, despite the OC, I don't want ANYTHING to do with her. I NEVER want to face her....She pulled some nice stuff this weekend (OC BORN ON FRIDAY). My H refused to talk to her and she kept calling the house, which she is NOT allowed to do.....he said, you do it again, I am going to get the captain involved. Sorry I went on a tangent....but I think its hard to know what you want to do with you life especially with the OC. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting NC. I think some people feel that is a terrible way to chose but not in my book. Good Luck with everyone. Take care!

Thank you all so much for your insight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It really helps to know that there are others that have experience (unfortunately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) dealing with this issue. It's just so hard to think about, especially because despite the fact that i pushed for paternity test (where the hell was his head a year and a half ago i'd like to know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) i believe in my bones that oc is his. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I want my marriage, but can i give up everything i've ever believed about myself? What i'm worth? why should i have to be the one to compromise? The only one to compromise? I don't know. It's all in God's hands and hopefully He will hear and answer my prayers that the oc is not my H.

Thanks again for listening. It really helps me get through this time.

I don't understand what the issue w/ the paternity test is. My H didn't seem to think about it until I pushed it also. The only problem is I'm still waiting for it. (First it was money, now we're having a hard time getting it done-long story.) He says he'll get it done, but I'm still waiting. I agree that if you don't want contact, then don't do it. I just think your emotions may change as things calm down, and that's OK to.

The OC is NOT your responsiblity.

This situation is NOT your responsibility.

Oc IS innocent------SO ARE YOU & ALL of you BW CHILDREN.

DON'T forget that.

I think C w/ OC impedes the recovery & healing of the marriage.

Dealing w/ OC is usually no problem. Dealing w/ OW is usually a BIG problem.

Well guess what........C w/ OC will, in some way, involve some sort of C w/ OW.

OW IS the CONSTANT reminder of the betrayal.

Yes, you may get over it...........but that takes TIME & usually LOTS of it.
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YOU set YOUR boundary & then the choice IS H, NOT yours.

YOU don't have to make this choice. REMEMBER that & get it through your head.

The choice is H to make.


Take it easy on yourselves.

Take it VERY easy on yourselves.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
oxoxoxoxox
kt