Do I have to deal with these feelings for the rest of my F'n life? Push it as far down inside as you can until you can't push any further and the sh*t comes pushing back up to the surface and the tears start flowing and the nightmare becomes real again. The reality of the situation smacks you in the face. YOUR HUSBAND F****D ANOTHER WOMAN AND THEY MADE A BABY TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And nothing, absolutely nothing can change that fact or make it go away.

This is normal! It takes a long time to heal. My d-day was five years ago and I still sometimes well up with rage, sadness, or bitterness.

I have found that when I'm feeling low about it, it helps to make time to pamper myself. I have a hole inside of me when I'm dealing with A, and most of the time, no matter what my H does, he cannot fill it. Not because he doesn't want to or doesn't try, I guess my heart just won't allow it. Which means I'm left to fill it myself.

And if I don't, it festers until it explodes.

IMO, you simply need to do something to pamper yourself, even if it's just a luxurious bubble bath and a glass of wine. You need it, and you deserve it.

Good Luck!

Cryn - have you talked to a doctor? You've thought yourself into an endless circle. Believe me, i've been there. You get a thought in your head and it plays and plays and plays till you want to explode or scream or both. Talk to a doc. There are meds out there that help control the OCD thoughts.

- Kimmy

I'm glade well not really but comforted to know I'm not the only one to feel the same way! Sometimes the pain seems so bad and its so hard to deal, especially since we don't have any children. But I agree with avictimnolonger. Take time out and do something to pamper yourself and make you feel good. But I'd like to take it a step further and suggest wether your really feeing down because of this situation" Rock Out" and do something awesome for you. You a bright, talented lovely woman that God created to walk above and not beneath. An no weapons, not the A, not the ow or the OC will prosper because the HIM YOU are MORE THAN a conqueror. Didn't mean to get all preachy but sometimes we all need to be reminded of just whose we are. I've personally made it a mission to not be the victim any more and allow this situation control my life to the degree it has. It gives the situation too much power. At the same time I realize that I still feel pain and sorrow. But I try really hard not to wallow or stay in that zone becaue I know joy comes in the morning. I hope this helps. Take care and God bless.

I can relate! I know how you feel.....I am not sure when it ends. There are days even though we have worked so hard to stay together, that I wake up and see him and think, I just want to BEAT the S*** out of you. Then I want to drive over to the OW's house or call her and just RIP her a NEW ONE........I am sorry you have to deal with this and please, vent vent vent vent vent.......I know that I could yell and scream sometimes all day long......

I can also relate. It's a totally traumatic situation. Crynsomuch if you haven't been to a counselor or doctor, I'd reccomend it also. It's a tough situation. I still certainly have my moments, but there does come a time where you realize you're not crying as much. I went back and read some of my old journals today. I was in so much pain, very depressed, and talked about how very unhappy I was. I don't feel like that anymore. Not to say that my life is perfect, it's not. But I started to realize I would be O.K. w/ or w/o H. I do want very much for my marriage to work, but it did help for me to figure out how I'd pay my bills, etc... if it ever came down to that. It helped me to not be so insecure. I know that whatever happens I will be O.K. Please take care of yourself. (The pampering helped me also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Do things to help you feel better: work-out, get a massage, etc... You do deserve it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If you spend too much time laying around feeling sorry for yourself it doesn't help. You have to do things to make yourself feel better somehow.

Ladies,

Thanks so much for responding to my desperate crazy rant. I'm in a much better place today than I was a couple days ago.

I do see a therapist once a week and find that it somewhat helps. What I was dealing with was full blown PMS. I get this every month and it starts the day before my period starts. I can feel it coming but I can't do a damn thing to prevent it. My usual response is to stay away from people and try to avoid being engaged in conversation. I kind of go into myself so to speak. It doesn't take much to set me off. Hell anything to do with oc, A, babies or marriage pretty much triggers me into a downward spiral.

All of the hurt and ambivalent feelings come rushing back into my head. I just have to ride them out. Again, thanks for giving me a place to vent.

Cryn