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Sorry to start a new topic when the others are so funny and great reading (LOVE the ktbunch baby-hater message HAHA!) but I am struggling again. My H whom I told I was done with over Christmas has really been kissing my a** every since the year started. He does anything and everything I ask without argument(amazing) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and has been very attentive when we are together. One BIG problem though is he up and quit his job again because he was compelled to cuss his boss out because "he's an idiot." This will be the 6th job he has had and lost in 4 years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . And then I am having these painful thoughts about the OW and OC. I feel like I have lost a child; like I am in mourning. It seems so weird, but I feel like my H took what he was only supposed to give to me and gave it to her. Like he said "well, I know my wife has only wanted her whole life to be a mom and all but she was mean to me so I am going to give it to this OW." And I know that is not how it happened, but I have these crazy thoughts that she is carrying "my" baby...does that sound insane? This hurts me so much, even if my H did a complete turnaround and became a model citizen I just don't know if I could let go of that pain. This thought of this baby is what makes me sob at night <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> The sex/A part is not so painful, just this stolen baby...
tell me I am not crazy to feel this way...

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YOu are not crazy! I did feel that way at first. Sometimes maybe i still do but not so much anhymore. It takes time, as does eerything. I am willing to try and work it out with my H.

Just give it some time honey, its all to fresh right now. Thats all i can offer, i hope it helps.

OH THE MOST IMPORTANT THING to do is PRAY, talk to GOD everyday, pray let GOD help you!!

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It is not crazy ...
I always wanted to have kids very close in age (like my brother and me - we are less than one year apart) ...
When we got married we agreed on that, whenever we get pregnant, the next one will follow soon ...
not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
My DD was born on October and it was on November when I found out about his cellphone bills ... so there goes the next baby I thought ... if he is having an affair ... I won't get pregnant like that ...

Well OC was born on July - 9 months apart from DD ... I did feel the same ... that OW stole who was suppose to be my baby ... and I cann't help to feel that I have a special connection with OC ... isn't this weird? may be not ...
don't take me wrong, I love DD to death ... and I do have feelings for OC ...

No, you are not crazy ...

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No your not crazy! He wuz! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I never wanted anymore children (Im there w/ya KT) So I never felt baby A was mine or stolen. I just think of God telling me I may have planned not to change diapers at 40, but guess what HE IS IN CHARGE! LOL. Have to laugh about it. Cryin days are over. With time I think it will be all better. But it does take time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That kind of sucks hearing all the time, but its true!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

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Wondering,

I too feel as if something that should be mine was taken away from me. Or maybe I should say given away freely to someone other than me. It makes it all the more difficult because the oc is a boy and we have only girls. I can't shake that 'stolen baby' feeling either. I don't know that I ever will. It truly is the most painful part.

Cryn

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but I have these crazy thoughts that she is carrying "my" baby </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie-- of COURSE you feel that way. If you are married and have strong marital bonds (not just a piece of paper marriage)..you H is just like your family, your CLOSEST family member- just like your blood.

So if OW is carrying a child that is YOUR BLOOD then you feel it is yours. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But the good news is that YOUR BLOOD is still living and breathing and LOVING his family (you)... the OC is merely a branching out, a sperm donor, if will-- just a scientific thing - if you will. Your FAMILY AND YOUR MAN is with you and he made a HUGE mistake. But he corrected that mistake by choosing the love of his life--his blood!

You have his love,you have the BOND that no product of science (nature) can compare to. You are his best friend and life partner and someday, OC or not-- you will realize what you have now is love and life! Your child w/H will be just the icing on the cake !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your right hand man is there with you and you 2 can go on and branch out your love and make SOO many awesome NEW AND IMPROVED memories!! And just because there's an extra piece of nature out there w/his same makeup can NEVER change that!!!!!!

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First.........JFTR-I LOVE babies, really, sorry if I gave the wrong impression. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Second, It is SOOO natural to feel that way.

You did lose something, H's sperm fertilized the egg of another woman. THAT is a very intimate thing-----it takes it to a whole 'other level in my book.

Yes, it's that entire feeling of being stolen from-like they stole what should have only belonged to you & whould only have been shared between H & you.

Of course you would feel that way.

I think we all do @ some point. It is a natural part of the grieving process. It is hard to deal w/ each aspect of what you ahve lost & what has been taken away.

But you get over each step of it, each realization, each level of pain.........you do get over it.

But it is a process....one step & one day @ a time.
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I was SO upset @ that! To think that I was being so careful & responsible every time we were intimate becuase, as much as I wanted another baby, I knew it was not a good time & we could not afford it---but BAM-just like that-caution is thrown to the wind & here's the baby we canNOT afford & we have to pay even MORE for it & in more ways than one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You bet I felt like I had been ROBBED!!!!!!!!

And the fact that my payoff for being such a responsible one-like a SLAP in the face!! STILL makes me angry to think of it! arghh!!!
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hang in there sweetie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

xoxoxoxoxxo
kt

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I also have the same “stolen baby” feelings. My exh has 4 beautiful sons from his previous relationship and I have an older son from a previous marriage.

Then we both had a son together who at 3months old passed away from SIDS, then we had another beautiful boy who is now going on 5yrs old. It’s obvious my exh was a boy-making machine… Well, after our son was born we both decided we are done with making babies & we both decided that I would have a tubal… Remember, I did this because we were married & I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. Had I know the future of course I wouldn’t have done that…

Well if you haven’t already guessed the oc is a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the ow is pregnant again, not sure what the sex is of the unborn oc?? I told my exh that that baby girl should have been mine. Here I am, I can’t have any more children but you can… He stole that from me… The 2 oc should have been mine.

I pray to God to help me overcome those feelings… It’s not fair to me that this happened and my exh said he is very sorry this & feels really bad about it… Yea, that’s why ow is pregnant again, he feels really bad. Give me a break…

I’ve turned to God for many reasons & one of them is to help me get over the “stolen baby” feeling… It takes time but it does get better. With God's great Mercy & Grace it will be over soon.

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thanks to you all for you wonderful words of wisdom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (I have come to expect that from you ladies!!) kt, you really hit the nail on the head. I am ALWAYS the responsible one and as much as I longed to be pregnant again I took my pill religiously because we couldn't afford it (since my H is so unreliable as far as jobs go) and he goes and acts irresponsible and makes a baby he'll have to pay for anyway...THEN quits his job YET AGAIN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I just don't know if I can stay with him. I think I will end up filing for D when I get my tax return. He has a LOT of steps to take to prove to me that he can be a responsible adult and take care of his family like he should. Maybe we'll be one of those couples that gets the D and remarries a few years later. I think he needs some time alone to grow up, and I need some time to figure out what I want out of the rest of my life. I still cry, I still want to scream at him, and I haven't really broached this stolen baby subject with him - do you guys think I should talk to him about it?? I don't even know if he will talk at all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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Yes I felt some the same way, that someone so unworthy, so immoral took my job away from me, bore my husbands first son (I had a feeling). It felt just vile, only I had the right to bear his children, she was unworthy. That everything was just wrong, wrong, wrong. What about the children? That is how I felt. Being no contact for sometime now it is too easy to forget the whole thing. It is a magor stress reliever but I feel so bad, and well someday real soon actually the courts will come and hunt us down for support and all that, then a new reality might just hit. Actually there was a weird notice in the newspaper today, there is a hearing in the juvenile court about some parental rights thing. I don't know. But anyway, you are not alone.

Devastated Chris, getting your tubes tied doesn't have to be a permanent thing, people have reversals all the time, although you do lose some percentage to your fertility and more so with how long you take to reverse it. If you have any doubts I would have a reversal soon, they say after ten years, having a child after a reversal is pretty nill to none.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunnydale:
<strong> No your not crazy! He wuz! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I never wanted anymore children (Im there w/ya KT) So I never felt baby A was mine or stolen. I just think of God telling me I may have planned not to change diapers at 40, but guess what HE IS IN CHARGE! LOL. Have to laugh about it. Cryin days are over. With time I think it will be all better. But it does take time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That kind of sucks hearing all the time, but its true!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sunny, I never thought I'd be changing diapers at 41 either. Life sure has a way of twisting and turning for us uh? God works in mysterious ways I say......I would not change my changing diapers but it was a shock.

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so many wise women here...
It's just SO hard every day. If I see a pregnant woman, I want to cry. If I see a little baby, I want to cry. If I let myself start thinking about all the wrongs he has done to me, I could cry and scream for days. And he still doesn't get it. I told him once when he kept asking me one day why I was so quiet, I said "You have no idea how difficult it is for me to be nice to you, so please don't push it."
Yet he still gets this attitude with me when I am not doing/acting like he thinks I should (I let him stay at the houae this weekend and by Sunday he had pushed me over the limit and spoken to me like a dog so I made him leave) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
And I don't dare bring anything up because he can't talk about it with understanding ears, he just thinks I am throwing it in his face <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I promise when I file for the D he will act like it was a total surprise...

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Wondering, I don't know you so I got to ask have you read alot about the affairs? I'm not being sarcastic. This whole I did/ am doing nothing wrong thing is part of his dillusion/fantasy world where he was the victim and you where the monster. It has been just over two months since dday for you. It can take awhile for reality to settle in and for him to start taking you seriously, with respect and humility. Counseling helped some,so I wasn't the only one saying he wasn't thinking quite right. Although the fact that I almost had a revenge affair put things in to high gear smirk So far I have only read Torn Asunder but I credit it at helping me keep my sanity and saving my marriage. It talks about the dissilusionment in there, you might want to check it out if you havent already. The days you are going through are the toughest, I think if you can get through this time, you can get through anything. Also it took my husband 3 and a half months to get back to sanity. Just always remember, you aren't the one that is nuts, he is!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Devastated Chris:
<strong> I also have the same “stolen baby” feelings. My exh has 4 beautiful sons from his previous relationship and I have an older son from a previous marriage.

Then we both had a son together who at 3months old passed away from SIDS, then we had another beautiful boy who is now going on 5yrs old. It’s obvious my exh was a boy-making machine… Well, after our son was born we both decided we are done with making babies & we both decided that I would have a tubal… Remember, I did this because we were married & I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. Had I know the future of course I wouldn’t have done that…

Well if you haven’t already guessed the oc is a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the ow is pregnant again, not sure what the sex is of the unborn oc?? I told my exh that that baby girl should have been mine. Here I am, I can’t have any more children but you can… He stole that from me… The 2 oc should have been mine.

I pray to God to help me overcome those feelings… It’s not fair to me that this happened and my exh said he is very sorry this & feels really bad about it… Yea, that’s why ow is pregnant again, he feels really bad. Give me a break…

I’ve turned to God for many reasons & one of them is to help me get over the “stolen baby” feeling… It takes time but it does get better. With God's great Mercy & Grace it will be over soon. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DC I am so sorry to hear about your baby. I can only imagine with some of what I've gone through. I think and I'm not down playing anybody's feelings at all, but when you have a loss it's just so much harder to grasp, understandably. Although I'm the Xow who in reality is the one you gals are talking about, I can in a way understand what your saying. I'm not saying that I'd change having my daughter, but I can put myself in your shoes and with all the losses I had with stbxh and if he would have done something like this, I would have felt the same way.

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smurfgirl, I appreciate your recommendation of readings. I really do need to read up! I wanted to start IC but I am changing jobs and will be w/o insurance until April, OC is due early June (I assume this cuz H does not know an exact due date) I know that I could deal with this situation, but My H still has the issues/problems he had before the A and THAT is why I am feeling like even if there was no OC that I still would want the D. We did the MC and as soon as she started coming down on him for his behavior he stormed out and said let's just get the D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Of course 3 hours later he's calling me telling me how much he loves me yada yada yada. He has been thru that "you don't need me, you deserve better than what I can give you" phase and I guess now he is thinking if he's nice to me and we don't talk about the "white elephant" then all will be fine. But he still quit his 6th job in 4 years and is still unemployed, he still came close to assaulting me on Christmas Eve (and he insists he did nothing wrong), he still talks to me like I am dirt if I don't agree with what he's saying/doing. How am I supposed to WANT to deal with his mistake when I don't even like dealing with HIM?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I feel like my son and I would be better if we were just away from my H. I am so afraid that my son will pick up these violent/agressive habits from his daddy and I don't want that. I don't want my son to think his father's ways are OK <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

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Have you read over plan B.

Especially w/ things being so volatile right now?

IT might be in EVERYONE'S best interest to do that.


HUGS to you,
kt

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Well, I guess we are sorta maybe in Plan B. I mean, he does not live with me, we sometimes spend the weekend together since he has been unemployed but that leads to him being ugly and me getting mad/hurt all over again, plus my irritation at him quitting his 6th job tends to show <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The last time we even talked about the OC was when I told him I was not going to put him on my insurance at my new job because I don't want to have to put the OC on it too (sunnyD told me the law here says parents split the insurance responsibilities and if he's on my policy then OC will have to be too.) If he would be the man he needs to be then I could totally deal with this OC and OW but he just hasn't grown up and I can't deal with that ON TOP of everything else. I need to call a lawyer and see if I should at least file for D before OC comes to cover my a**. If he is not willing to be a man then I am not willing to deal with HIS mistake. You guys think I should cut him off except for dealings with our son? OH and his mother is a BIG enabler so that is also causing his problems with growing up...BIG BIG problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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Wow...I haven't posted here in a very long time. I needed to breathe. But I came back today and the post just jumped out at me. Dh and I had not had children yet. Money, jobs, moves etc. Last November I/we decided to go off the pill. Dec. 7, I discovered A & 2 year old OC. It still hurts like H.... I told dh he gave her our firstborn. That's how it feels. It's something that I felt was my right and privelege as his wife to be the only one he had babies with. It sucked, it still sucks. He got hit with child support (which by my calculations was not set correctly despite having a lawyer), back support (which has now been reported on his credit report and which may result in no tax return) and he has to pay 100% of the health insurance premium & 50% of any uncovered health costs(TX is a bad state to get hit with CS) and in TX if he dies, his estate has to continue the CS so we are faced with buying extra life insurance cuz she ain't getting what he bought for me. . And that b.... can change the baby's last name to ours which she indicated she was going to do in the CS papere. So now, even though we are working on the marriage, and even though my 35 year old biological clock is ticking, I can't afford to have a baby because some WH.... got knocked up when she told dh she couldn't get PG because she was raped as a teenager (my dh's brain was totally shut down to believe that line of crap) and even though she chose to have the baby despite his wanting her to abort, we are now going to pay for the biggest mistake of his life for the next 18 years. It definately leads me to feel like something was stolen from me. I think this is part of this situation that is so unique. A's are hard enough, but OC's really complicate things. You have my complete agreement in how you feel.

Hugs,
Lori in TX
D-day 12/7/04
Getting a little better each day!

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: hurting in sa ]</small>

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I told ex when i saw him tonight I felt like something had been stolen from me too. that when I saw my college roommate's baby that was born 5/03 and then my other roommate's born 10/03 and his was born 8/03 and they are all girls- that when the 2 friends kids are playing together, I feel like a piece of me is missing. Like I have lost something. I told him I hated feeling that way, but I did. that I felt like I lost OC twice- once when he got OW pregnant when he wasn't ready for us to have kids, and a 2nd time when he came back to me, but then left because he felt he needed to be a full time dad. I told him I was willing to help raise her but I didn't get the chance. It just hurts- but you have to move on- and deal with it the best way you can- so it doesn't hinder the rest of your life.

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hurting - what you've said is what I fear; about not being able to move ahead in life becuase of debts to this OW and OC. And that fear is totally my H's fault because he has been so unstable as far as his behavior and his jobs. I am NOT going to let my son suffer because his father can't support us because his money is going to OC. I just have no faith in my H right now...he has failed in the support-your-family area so many times, and this OC I fear will just make all that worse. PLUS how will we ever tell his family? And MY parents?!?! Jeez...I don't even want to think about it, and I shouldn't have to. I think we should do the D and after that, whatever happens happens.

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