I have posted a few times and have been a lurker for quite a while. I am just wondering if it is ok just to give up on the marriage. It feels as if nothing is working in any area of our relationship.

D-Day was almost two years ago. The oc was born 11/03. My H hasn't pursued dna testing, custody or child support after being strongly counseled by several people to do so including me. We have had frequent visitation at ow disgression. When he picked oc up the ow refused to let oc come if I came along and H complied against my wishes. In his defense, he did comply with my second line of defense and that was to never go alone to pick oc up. This has been a source of pain for me because it was my hope that we present a united front to ow. He is unwilling to do this because he is afraid he won't be able to see oc.

Not to mention, I just have not been able to rebuild any kind of trust. My heart just keeps telling me there are things going on behind my back. I just feel like I will never get over this.

Counseling you ask? We have tried several times and have been very unsuccessful with every one we have tried for various reasons.

Everyone here says that it takes time to get over all that has happened but I feel like I should be farther along than I am. I just want to give up.

I'm sorry things aren't going better and that you haven't gotten more replies.

In 2 years' time, you should be seeing more progress than this, yes! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He's sure not putting marriage first!! Two years is too long to keep going on like this. Can you imagine a lifetime of it?

I'd suggest, if you're at your rope's end anyway, giving your H a clue before you walk. Like, 1 month to work on X,Y, and Z (whatever is MOST important to you, like DNA, letting you know where he is at all times, getting visitation legal, whatever), and say you are leaving if he cannot do these things for your sake. That is an ultimatum and a "love buster", though... PLEASE study the Harley concepts before you make a move. I have not been in your exact shoes.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B??? And policy of joint agreement, time together, honesty, etc.?? These are REALLY important marriagebuilders concepts that have saved marriages.

Please consider the Harleys phone counseling service.

((((exfrodo))))
J

I agree with Jenny...you are going to have to lay it out for him and give him an ultimatum - but you also have to be prepared for him not to comply and you have to DO what you say you are going to do (as far as leaving him) or he will keep walking all over your feelings. I have had to do that with my H; we are separated still because he talks the talk but has not walked the walk on issues we have had since BEFORE the affair and upcoming OC. I went thru 4 years of letting him walk all over me, disregard my wants and needs, and bascially act like an irresponsible teenager, not a married father. So now we will be most likely getting the big D and then maybe he will decide to grow up, maybe not. Anyways, the point is you can only sacrifice yourself for so long before you have to say 'enough is enough' No one will ever say you didn't do more than any woman should (as all the ladies on here prove!) to keep your marriage together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All our attempts at Plan A have been unsuccessful for various reasons. I have written a Plan B letter as best I understand it. I have yet to give it to him. I am praying about how to change and edit it before giving him a final draft. We do not have children of our own but I do have two step-children that I love very much. There is nothing about this journey that has been easy. Staying in the M will be difficult and leaving will be too. But I think I will have a better chance of healing in the near future if I go.

I'm sorry, exfro. It sounds like you've really tried.

Any chance you could still have some contact w/your step-kids? Are they old enough to have any say in that? just a thought.

Please call Harley's phone service at least one time... and a lawyer too!

Hugs,
J

Hi Exfrodo, just a thought. If you need advice on your Plan B letter, I have seen many people post them over on General Questions. You might get some words of wisdom to help you with your decision.

I feel a bit like you. Just not sure if he's worth the effort. It's so hard when you have children. TT

I do believe that I will be able to maintain a relationship with my step-daughters eventually.
They may be very angry with me at first because they have really looked to me to stay with their dad and I know if I leave it will let them down.

This weekend a friend called and said she heard through the grapevine that OW is wearing an engagement ring around and claiming she is going to marry OC father soon. She claimed she got the ring before Christmas. This could be a fantasy of OW or it could be true. Or it could be gossip. Who knows? I wish I could have a way to know the truth. I'm not sure I will ever know it.