My husband has an oc and because we live overseas primary contact is via phone and email. I have asked H to not make c w/ ow/oc unless I am present. I still dont trust either of them. However he keeps calling when I'm not there. When I am and I ask why not call he says he doesn't want to. I'm very frusted and wanted some advise about what to do. Any suggestions?

Cali,

I see that your H isn't respecting your requests. He needs to realize that it is still very painful and if he isn't going to do it in when you are present, then it is almost like cheating again. He is afraid that you are going to find something out? Is he hiding something? When you ask him, he says he doesn't want to at that time? Well, that isn't a great reason. It sounds like he doesn't want to let you find something out, or he just doesn't want to share that part with you which being his wife, he should be sharing that with you. When you found out, did you two talk about what your role would be? Especially being overseas and probably out of your own way of life, he needs to help you deal with everything, even this!!!! I am not sure how open your H is when you sit down and talk to him, but sit down with him and talk to him heart to heart. He needs to see how much pain it is causing you. Tell him that if the shoes were reversed and you were doing that behind his back, he would NOT like it, even if he says it doesn't bother him. Big hugs to you throughout this time. My H and I have yet to come that point seeing the OC is only a week old but I'm sure we will get there when he has to deal with OW with the OC being at our home. Good luck!!

I agree that it will help to put your mind at ease for him to call in front of you. I have the same request for my H, but XOW calls him often at work. Sometimes, it's not always easy for it to work, ecspecially if there's a child involved. I try to go for the exchanges, etc... and I've been around H many times when he calls XOW. There are times I'm not, and H tells me about it her calls etc... I know that he feels uncomfortable about me being around XOW, etc... He says it makes him feel guilty. While I can understand this, I told him from the begining that I did not want him around XOW w/o me present, so he doesn't really have much to say after I remind him of this. (That was one of my conditions to stay.) While I still don't like H around XOW, the calls are getting easier. Like I said, she calls him at work, or e-mails him. He tells me when she calls, so I'm begining to trust that he is being honest w/me. I still don't like him around her w/o me. Before the A I could read XOW well. I knew what her intentions were w/ my H. It reassures me to see her uncomfortable in all of this. They are pretty cold w/ each other from what I see, and only discuss OC. (Except for last time when she got mad because I was there! I don't know where she thinks I'm going, but I guess she's still hoping.)

We've dissucssed my role a little. He says he wants me to treat oc like I would our child. But I do feel like he doesn't want me to be apart of that part of his life. He says that calling when I'm around makes him uncomfortable because he feels like I'm looking over his shoulders. I told him I don't neccesarily need to be right next to him when he calls I would just like to b in the house. I says that when he calls and I'm not present he isn't doing it to be disrespectful he just doesn't think about. Hello didn't he say that about not using a condom too! It makes me made because I've tld him it hurts and it's like a stab in my back or a pang in my heart everytime he goes to talk w/ her when I'm not there. I'm at my wits end. I wanted him to find some type of comprimise that would work for us all but he hasn't. Now I kind of want to leave becase I don't want the rest of my life to be this way. I'm going to try and talk w/ him again. Maybe we can come up w/ some middle ground. This whole situation seems totally F*&%^d up either way it goes.