I just wanted to say that although i am a lurker, i do sympathize with each and every one of your situations and appreciate the time and effort you have taken to give me some much needed support.

What i would like to know is how did you find the courage and strength to allow contact with the oc? do your child(ren) know about oc? how did you break it to them?

I'm not sure if oc is my H's. Had test yesterday. won't know for 6-7 days yet. (god help me i'm a basket case!!!!) But if oc is his, how do you deal with it?

Any suggestions would be helpful.

We don't have children yet, but I think you have to be honest w/ them. (As honest as you can be dealing w/ their ages.) Contact has not been as hard as I thought it would be. People are finding out slowly and most are supportive. The OC is innocent in all of this, so it's not too difficult to care for OC. H is good w/ OC and although the situation is hard, I'm glad to see he is good w/ OC. I've known for 9 months, at 3 months I still felt like I was nuts. There comes a time when you realize you're not crying as much as you were. I am feeling happier w/ my life. For me a lot of the peace came from knowing that I had choices. I think initially I felt trapped, and knowing I could surrive on my own should it come to that was helpful. I know that either way I'll be OK now, and you will to. H and I are getting along pretty good now, and things do settle down eventually.

We did not start C until OC was 4.5 years old.

We felt we were ready & that ALL parties (including OW) wanted this. We were wrong about that, unfortuneately.

C lasted for a bit over 2 years until it fell apart. It was especially hard for our oldest to deal w/.

We broke the news to them (kids) gently & straight-forwardly. The oldest was the only one we really had to do any explaining to.

We prayed about it long & hard. He didn't say anything @ first, just soaked in the information & after a few days began to ask me questions.

The younger too are still too young to realy understand it. To them, the only information they really understand is that they have a 'sister, our 4.5 yo is just startign to understand that OC has a different mom but he doesn't knwo what that 'means' really.

Most of our friends knew we had been separated in the past due to infidelity but only a very few knew of OC. We didn't make a big deal out of it---just said it straight out if anyone had questions.

Initially it was just ---oh who's this?--then I would say.....remember when H & I were separated?--this is why------I always had a smile & a specefic look so they didn't usually ask any thing else after that.

Mostly people just wanted reassurance that H & I were 'ok' & we were staying together.

So I don't know if I necessarily felt 'courageous' or not. It just felt like the appropriate thing to do @ that time in all of our lives.

OC was not hard to care for either. I/we just welcomed her into our family as one of 'us'. She just joined the ktbunch & that was that.

I had baby # 3 a week after we met OC soooooo that right there kinda bonded OC & I together. She was practically joined @ my hip once she saw her new baby sister. I had to literally ask her to back a little away most of the time because she just wanted to ALWAYS be by the baby. LOL She just loved having a baby sister.

Unfortuneately, our family could not get past OW shenanigans (& OW could not get past the 'past') so C ended this last Aug. We now only keep in C via mail. We have peace now although we all know there is a little 'piece' of our family that is missing.

The best thing to do is to have everything drawn up legally (once you know for sure)& you can avoid a lot of headaches that way. IT protects both parents & all the other parties involved.

take care,
kt

BO..

I do not have contact, as I do not have the strength and courage that contact would require, lol. I am very, very strong--and that is only because we have NC. Forgetaboutit. I know I could love OC- I hold no ill will or bad feelings towards her. I wish to know her some day..but at this stage of recovery, I cannot fathom it- and will not fathom it. H chose NC, and gee that sure as heck worked for me. This issue is *his* when it shakes down and if *he* decided on contact, myself and my bio son would be gone. I dont apologize, though I was extremely sick and upset about the OC/contact situation for a long time. I realized that *I* could probably get thru contact, but I could not and would not introduce this to my son- he doesent deserve the embarassment and to have his example of love and marriage to be shattered and warped by this horrid reality, IMO. My son is the air that I breathe and I want the air to be as pristine as a mother can POSSIBLY provide in this f'ed up world, lol!

Which answers your next question... IF and WHEN the OC situation has to be brought to our 3 children.. my H will deliver the details and I will probably have to be drunk to even stand by and listen to it.. lol... I am a strong mother and role model for the kids-- but I cannot apologize for my (one) weakness...and that is dealing with hard issues with the kids... I make H deliver much of the rules and bad news,cause I am such a sap with the 3 of them, that I just want them to be happy!!!! Good thing H is the enforcer of the dark side of life (LOL) cause this one is gona be a "biggie"...

Now, on the part of "dealing with it" I can offer some sound advice, betrayed one, my darlin...

You cannot deal with it sanely and rationally, really, till the time clicks on and you find yourself where I'm at. For about a year and 1/2, basically every hurt, angry moment and regular marital incident turned into "affair" stuff for me. Well low and behold, if H doesn't clean or falls (very) short of my personaly expectations, I can just deal with the ISSUE at hand! And it is not faked or me holding back...

BO, you just get over it! Its a marvelous feeling! If you H is as sweet and loving as mine is you just get better!!! I have certain financial protections in place, but other than that-we are getting back to the old us! Or should I say a MUCH BETTER, MORE LOVING, MORE UNDERSTANDING, MORE IN TOUCH, MORE APPRECIATIVE, MORE RESPECTFUL "US"!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I feel God came down and brought us both to our knees! We were an accident waiting to happen, a couple with no idea how to keep a marriage alive.. and boy now we do! Affairs are the most destructive and painful thing to endure-- but you have to realize that IF and only IF you H is a better man, or the man you knew before------ he is just a MAN, and WE make horrid mistakes and hurt the ones we love the most. You learn to accept that-- to realize that a hard past can turn out oh so sweet. Just remember that, and keep the faith.

You can and will survive this!!!!!!! Its amazing how things change-- just relax and enjoy the ride cause there is a rainbow at the end for those of us who perservere and who are faithful to our marriage, family. And even IF worst case scenario things fall apart.. God will reward you and show you the lucrative return for your faithfullness,love and devotion!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks for replying...it gives me hope, not much, but some, which is what i guess i really need right now. If only H would decide that he wanted nc (if his) then i know i could survive. If he does want c (eventually) i guess i'll have to cross that bridge when i come to it. Still hurts like a f'n truck hit me though... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Betrayed,

Good Luck with the paternity. Our paternity is suppose to be this week sometime which as you know we won't get the results to until next week or so. *crossing fingers* I can sympathize with you and I am sorry you are going through this. I think I already posted this but my H met with the OC and all the people at work are calling him "mini Mike" (Michael is my H's name). Take care and good luck!!!! The only advice I can give you that someone gave me was just remember that the OC is HALF of the person that you love and are married to. Easier said then done but remember that. Even though the OW is half of it to, the little one is full of your H and all of his great qualities! *HUGS*

You have to decide if contact is what you want and what he wants and go from there. Just make sure you are having contact cause it is what YOU want and not what you THINK you should do.

I am firmly against contact. I find that everyone gets hurt in an affair, oc too. I believe that contact can be asking to much of the children of the marriage to take. That it puts the needs of one above all others. We chose no contact so we could move on as a family and leave it in the past. I did not want my children exposed to the ow/oc drama. It eventually came up and they were disgusted. Their main concern was they did not want oc around. I feel that ow/oc get a piece of the hurt pie too.

If you are going to decide on contact, then have it hammered out legally. You will find that ow can get crazy, irrational and full of drama and crap. They play games, get manipulative and assume that the oc is the only child that matters. Get strong solid legal advice and spell things out clearly as to how this will go. No side deals, nothing under the table. ALL FLAT OUT LEGAL.

Woops! Wrong thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: CheerfulLittleOne ]</small>

I have contact with OC. But there is still a little "drama" with OW. I don't talk to her....H does all the talking.

I agree with Lynne about the legal aspect. If you decide on contact, make a list with H. What you want vs. what he wants. Then try to talk openly what YOU can handle. It's not an easy road.

Personally, it may have been easier for me because my oldest son's bio dad has never been a part of his life. So I knew first hand how that affects a child.

Hugs,
ent

thanks for the support....

need it very much right now...

H is pulling some sh*t now and i'm trying to figure out how to deal with it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What if H wants c and i don't? is there anyone out there whose H see oc, but doesn't "bring it home"?

thanks.

I don't see that type of arrangemetn being very condusive to Marriage Building.

It would just be a WALL between you when what you need most is to get closer together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Read over POJA.........see if you can decide on something TOGETHER.

xoxoxoxxoxo
kt

thanks kt...

I didn't think that would work either...
Lord knows i can barely swallow sitch as it is...(not even chewing yet) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I just don't know. Keep going for job interviews, not happening...

Try to be normal for D (she doesn't know a damn thing and i like it that way!)

I guess i'm just surviving until i hear the news. Hopefully good news....

Thanks again

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed one:
<strong> What if H wants c and i don't? is there anyone out there whose H see oc, but doesn't "bring it home"?

thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO WAY!! I am a very forgiving person...(a doormat to some people's way of thinking) but for me that would be a huge NO-NO!

H went back and forth initially about contact/no contact. Then I went back and forth too. We were regular ping pong balls....LOL

Don't put yourself in a corner yet.

ent

Betrayedone: coming from an xow....I would not want my child being seen on the sly. If the xow is any type of mom, she will the same way. You got to understand it would be like cheating on you and the whole crap that goes with that. I had seen xmm (while in the relationship) often and spoke daily, but there were times when we had plans and he had to cancel due to "family" things that came up. I told xmm that if he wanted contact down the line it would only be on the up and up with his wife knowing about it as I would not put my child through that on canceled times with daddy. It's just not fair. Hopefully you and h will make decisions together and do it together.

Thanks for your words...

If it is not too much trouble or not intrusive, could you please tell me why you would want to be with a MM?

I'm not trying to attack you, i just really need to know the answer to that.

my ow was my maid of honour, the godmother to our d and my best friend until 6 years ago (it's all in my thread) How could someone who was so close to me hurt me this way???

Maybe she didn't mean it, just happened, i don't know.

anyway, if you don't want to answer, no prob <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I understand.

Betrayed One, my children know about the great possibility that OC is their half brother. We felt like they deserved to know what was going on, so we spilled the beans in regards to the A and the OC. The rumors were spreading like wild fire in our small town and my kids were getting bits and pieces anyway so to settle the ground with them we told them. Our situation is odd in that my 12 year old is good friends with OW's 12 year old and they spend quite a bit of time together. Don't think OW/her H have told their children about the possibility of the OC only being their "half" but they're going to have to break the news to them sooner or later, especially since we're pushing for paternity establishment against "her" best wishes. Unfortunately for her, she chose to rock her almost perfect world/marriage, so therefore she must pay consequences as the rest of us have.