I am struggling a bit. I have been lurking for awhile on the recovery board and thought I would ask for help here.

My short story--My first husband had an affair, left me for the ow and we divorced. Shortly after our seperation I became involved in a relationship with a seperated man. I figured he was available because his wife had put a restraining order on him, served him with divorce papers and left the state. He hadn't seen or heard from her in about 4 months.

Anyway, there was a reason for her RO. He was abusive and I had jumped in too quick and was in over my head before I knew it. About 2 months after we started up, she called him and wanted to get back together. I figured it was for the best. The rejection didn't feel good but I knew he was abusive and it only took a short while to get over it all.

BUT I came out of it pregnant. Now, I had meet this guy at church of all places and wasn't sure what to do when he started bringing her. I asked a few of the pastors what to do. They told me not to leave. So I didn't but really tried to avoid them both. I went to different services and would leave if I saw either of them there.

During my pregnancy, while I was singing in church, his wife came out of no where and hit me in the stomach. I think I had my eyes closed at the time and didn't know she was there. Another time she told me that she prayed for me.

I don't know. This was 9 years ago and I never pressed him for child support, so they have never been apart of our lives.

I guess I am just now realizing that she saw me as the ow.

Quick ending here, I am now remarried and this husband as well cheated on me.

We are recovering but one of the things that happened a couple of days before dday was I got a letter on my door from my daughter's bio father. I never dealt with it because of all this affair stuff this time.

Her bio father wants to see her and I just don't want that. He is dangerous and don't want him to hurt her.

Looking for anything at all.

Am I the OW? I know dumb question. Waiting for 2x4s

Thanks for your time

Hazel

It's ok---maybe you WERE the OW-but it doesn't seem like you ARE now.

Is he STILL violent? How do you know that he is still dangerous? Is he still w/ his W or could he be trying to C you becuase his marraige has fallen apart?

IT's ok--------you are in a good place here & many will be here to advise & probably w/ legal advice as well.

IF ANYTHING is to happen between your dd & her bio- it MUST be done legally. That will include CS as well.

Are you all still going to the same church?

If so can you request a meeting between all of you (not dd but all adults) WITH a pastor or someone who can serve as a nuetral party to see what he really wants & what his intentions are?

Does your dd know about this?

HUGS to you,
kt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hazell:
Her bio father wants to see her and I just don't want that. He is dangerous and don't want him to hurt her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bio Dad is a virtual stranger to your girl.
Bio Dad has a history of violence.
I say unless this meeting is going to benifit your girl ....

Hell NO!!!!

This is not in your daughter's best interest. It will disrupt her peaceful life.

Do not worry about anything other than what is in the best interest of your child.

Best of luck with your decision.

Pep

Thank you for your replies. I really expected to be kicked around a bit for finally coming to realize that I have played the ow in this triangle.

To answer your questions, no I stopped going to that church for several reasons. The two main ones though were that the church leaders wanted me to consent to them both visiting her in the church nursery. I just didn't feel that monthly volunteers in the nursery were qualified.

I also felt very afraid for my daughter. His wife came to me at church and told me she wished my daughter was dead. She was about 2 weeks old at the time, an innocent in the middle of an adult drama. And after she had hit me in the middle of church while I was pregnant I just didn't think it was smart for me to stick around.

I left after that week and never went back. I changed my phone number. I moved and tried to stay off their radar. I really didn't want anything to do with him. His parting words to me were that he hoped that I would wait for him to see if things would work out for him and his wife.

I don't know if he is still violent out or not. I heard a rumor that they divorced but I hadn't really considered that he would want to contact me after all this time. I really doubt that since right before I had my daughter I got a RO because he kept following me and it just freaked me out. He has had at last count 6 different women put restraining orders on him and he hinted to me that he had killed a man when he was younger.

I am tempted to think that maybe he has changed, maybe my daughter deserves to meet him. She is only 8 though. My husband now is the only father she has ever known. But she was starting to put 2 and 2 together and figuring out that the timeline wasn't right. So I told her that mommy had a brief relationship and I got pregnant with her then and then later her Daddy came into our lives.

I wanted to lay some groundwork for her and not lie to her. Oddly she has some anger problems just like her biological father has.

I saw an attorney who strongly adviced me to not take any action. In his letter he stated that he had heard that I was trying to get a hold of him. What?! I thought, hadn't even thought about him in years. Attorney thought if either I or my husband now contacted him even to say get lost, he could use that against us later.

Paternity was never established and I have always figured if he went the legal route I wouldn't fight it, just lay down the boundaries. He still hasn't done that, just the letter. Earlier on he tried every other way to contact me to see her, especially through mutual friends. I dropped most of those friends.

Wow, sorry this is getting long. I guess I am glad to hear Pep say Hell no, cuz that is exactly how I feel.

I also feel so very bad for ever hurting his wife. Even though they were seperated, I should have stayed clear. I have always wished I could go back and tell her I am sorry I hurt you. Leave that church and let her stay there.

I guess I am just now feeling guilty about it all and needed a sounding board too.

Thanks

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Hazell ]</small>

"...I am glad to hear Pep say Hell no, cuz that is exactly how I feel."

Stick with your gut instinct!!

If he wants to go the LEGAL route, pay ch-support (possibly 8y back-support!), establish himself as a STABLE entity with good intentions, then MAYBE you've got someone to work with, but he sounds like a flighty unstable man who either won't stick around or will possibly become violent---What's the point?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Is he on the birth certificate? Even then, his legal standing for visitation would be modified by his illegal behavior. Wait and see if he pushes that far.

Yes, you did the wrong thing, but so did he. Don't let your guilt hurt your daughter now!

Go, mama bear!
J

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hazell:
I don't know if he is still violent out or not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Assume he is. That is watching out for your kid. If he wants to PROVE he is not violent, and go after legal visitation ... then he's gonna need to spend some of HIS $$. Time will tell if he is willing to commit his $$ and his effort to get LEGAL visitation.

Until then ... ignore him.

As for your past... foolish youth does not make you any less of a woman today.

Look at where you've gotten by pulling yourself up out of the muck!

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Pep

double post

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>