I posted on another board but could really use all the advise or support I can get right now. Thanks in advance.
Hey everyone. I know Va-day is around the corner and I just wanted some advice. My DH as you know has an oc. Well OC was convieved on V day while husbnad was in home city for work. I seem to have a very difficult time dealing w/ this holiday because of these. As I'm thinking about it I'm crying. I just remember going through an awful lot to get him to go on this trip home for work so he could spend a whole month w/ family and still get paid. He was very close w/ family and I knew he missed them. I remember being home alone on V day and my only consolation was that he was spending time w/ his family and that was a great thing. Then I found out that while I was home wanting and yearning for my husband to be w/ me he was conceiving his child! I know in time it should get better, but for me the time hasn't exactl come yet. I just wanted to know if you all had any suggestions on how I can deal because me becoming depressed and crying every Vday is going to get old really quick? I don't even want to celebrate Vday anymore because it seems so Tainted and vile to me now. Hell even on Christmas it was Hard. Dday was 12-06-03 and for the past two Christmas I haven't been in the holiday spirit per say. My friend told me to participate in these activities that I once loved because it did bring so much joy. I just don't know how to now because instead of joyous memories all I feel is intense pain and betrayl. As a side when dday occured DH had moved me from the states to another country due to work. I found out by finding a picture of oc while H slept in front room. I could even talk to him because I was scared what i'd do. I locked myself in our room and waited for him to go and get some household supplies to set up our new home. I tried unsuccessfully to call mom, best friend and close relative but n on was home until 5 min before DH came home. When he came home i just told him I found picture of a cute little boy while unpackin and I wanted to know if it was his. He just said yes and it seems my world has been reelin and unraveling ever since. I swear it seems like I should be so much further along than I am but its soo hard. I feel so hurt and betrayed and It doesn't help that doctors think I might not be able to concieve to top it off. Ok I'm done sorry for the long post I guess I'm just not in a great place right now. If anyone could/ would help I'd really appreciate it.
Cali
cali_smile99@yahoo.com

Honey,

You poor thing, I dont really knwo what to say, my Annivesary is on valentines day, and just the thought that H conceived OC somewhere around his b-day in March makes me sick. All I can say is in time it will get easier, How is H actign around you? Is he trying to make you feel better?

Do you have IM? if so I can IM you and we can talk more off the board, if you would like

Awe hunny bunny-------yes it will get better w/ time.

Our OC was conceived in the month of MY birthday-----------so I'm right there w/ you on that! And my birthdya was also an intimate, personal anniversary for us too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But it does get better. IT took me some time to get used to that idea & not be obsessed about it but eventually it got easier to deal w/ & handle.

Valentines is my absolute favorite holiday (since my b-day is kinda ruined--LOL) BUT w/ kids & all I always kinda reject it too ---all the hyped up expectation & all, so I say-------make your OWN valentines.

Like the day after or something, things are on sale, restaurants aren't over crowded. kwim?

Maybe you can make this V a kind of fresh-start-anniversary.

THe best way to get over painful memories, I have found, it to create fantastic NEW ones. Might be a bit ritualistic but it really seemed to help.

Create your own after Valnetines tradition. IT's only one day out of the year that people try to prove how much they love someone becuase they have been lacking all hte rest of the eyar-LOL SO it's really what you do everyday that counts.

That's my vote-create you very own after Valentines day tradition/anniversary. IT will be all the more special becuase it is just for you 2.

Do you think you could do that?

Big big hugs to you,
sincerely,
kt

I'm going to talk to H and try that. that sounds like a great idea for us, especially me. It just gets hard some times. I just got off the phone w/ my mom and she says that I need to choose to not dwell on the topic and just busy myself on that day. Since I just started school(applause:p) I'll have plenty of work to do. Our classes are eight weeks instead of 16 and very intense.

the birthday of OW #1 was on V day It made me physically ill to think of it and the Valentines days i spent alone not knowing what he was really doing. I HATE THAT DAMN DAY!!!!!! NOW realize my sons birthday is the day before and thank god we changed it but my Anniv is the 12th I had planned on marring on V Day but the schedluling of the mayor prevented it. And a week later is my birthday. so I have plenty to celebrate besides that day. I forbid my husband to buy me anything with hearts on it or that has to do with the day. I cant stop the kids but i really stay the hell out of those isles when i am at the drug store ect.

We can hate it together I NOW put more emphasis on SWEETEST DAY that is my new LOVE holiday. thats in the fall You may want to do that as well. Just a thought.
Hope that helps.

Cordellia, That sounds great when is sweetest day? Tat sounds like a great idea.

Ditto make new traditions and RECLAIM that day!!!
Years ago on this board we used to talk about reclaiming certain days or certain PLACES as OURS after A... kwim??

Obviously you can't visit the same hotel or park from another country (and might never want to... it's an individual thing), but decide by Joint Agreement what would re-claim the day for you guys and Do It!! If sensual things are impossible to contemplate, then plan other things you enjoy as a couple. If you can't even do that, create a ceremony of getting rid of that "old" bad husband and ringing in the new! (many ways to do that too, but he should express regret and you should "forgive"). Your H owes this one, AT LEAST!

Don't give that xow more power over your life by re-living the nightmare over and over. Replace!! Make it new!!

Be GENTLE with yourself. I don't mean to beat you with the stick, only holding out the carrot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL Next year you can say "remember last year when WE.... "


Hugs,
J

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Its in October diff day each year but i think its the 2nd or 3rd saturday I cant find it on my calendar right now.

Cali, you might like to know that all kinds of doctors, including endocrinologists and fertility specialists told me I would never conceive a child. Today, I have four: two who are ours because God placed them with us through adoption, and two who are ours because God placed them with us through my womb. Isn't God good? Always remember that doctors can be right, but God is righter.

I also ditto the ideas presented here: make a new tradition for Valentine's Day, or choose a different day to be your "love" day. Kind of like many Christmas babies whose parents give them summer birthday parties: the holiday season gets so busy, seems "no one" can come to the party then.

Chin up, Cali. . . you're doing a good job of dealing with a couple of difficult issues!
PM

Hey all. The OC in our life was conceived on a night that I found out from OW's husband that my H and OW were out together and so I proceeded to pack his sh*t in lovely trash bag luggage and threw it all on our front porch for him to pick up. Looking back, I sometimes think that maybe had I not freaked out so bad and did what I did that maybe they wouldn't have ended up in the sack and OC wouldn't have been conceived. But, then again, there's always those "what if's and why didn't I's"