Just wondering...for those of you who stayed with your H, have you done anything to protect yourselves financially? I have already filed for divorce,child support order is in place but now we have started thinking about working it out. We have no idea at this point if the baby is for sure his and I don't want to later find out that it is and then decide I can't deal with it.Other people have told me if I call it off and then decide to divorce again if the OW comes for child support before I do I could end up with a lesser amount than her,and I am not about to let that happen. Also for those of you who are paying child support to the OW, how much of a financial strain has that put on your family and is it something that reminds you every month of what has happened? I guess I am not sure where my emotions are right now and I want to make sure I don't do something I will regret later.What options do you have to protect your family financially? Advice please!!!!

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: alwaysthinkin ]</small>

I would definately protect yourself and your kids FIRST!! Both now and in the future! Even if you don't file for the big D, file the CS support papers ASAP. Although I think if you were to get alimony in the D, they look at that when considering the amount of OW CS too. But I'm not sure on that. This is harsh but look at it this way did OW (or H for that matter) look out for YOUR or YOUR C best interests when the A took place? Hel no! You can never be sure how things are going to be in future after the OC is born and what games the OW may play with your H. Protect your kids now! If possible get the house and all assets moved into your name only, if H will agree to it.

I'm remarried to UH and still get CS filed every 3 years with the state. As long as the father isn't objecting our state doesn't care and so my kids are considered first when CS is set and the OC doesn't change my amount at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I wouldn't do it that if my state included ALL the C in CS but they don't its a first come first serve and who gets to the table first gets the most pie and I'll be damned if the OW was going to get to the table before me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You need to check with your state. There have been cases where the W has gone back and faught and won. On the grounds of The right to be protected? But ck w/ the state you are in. I am in the south and as of last year all the rules have changed for that reason. It doesn't matter who was first now. H is SCREWED all the way around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But you play, you need to pay is my option on it. Sin is punnisable ! It will be punished. If its in the form of Child support for a child you created, then oh well. Some men didn't have any idea they where creating them, but thats under the oh well too. The child nor did my child ask for this. But the fact is the law and look there first. If you file seperated (in some states) and still live together just to get c/s set, trouble is coming. Keep in mind this is a public site! What you say and do could be held against you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Ask CM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> As far as our C/S we pay over the amount, and my D doesn't go without, neither does OC. To me it is his oblagation to take care of. Look at some of these sites:
www.divorce.net
Go under your state and look. See when it was last updated too. Also contact an attorney. Get it in the works and be prepaired. I think you have a right to cover your children as well as you. But if you stay w/ H you too will be a part in paying for his mistake. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Here is another one
Non custodial parents rights
Hope that helps.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Gwenie,if I understand right from reading one of your earlier posts,you are remarried to your X and have child support set up but it's not like it's taken from his check every month and given to you? How does that work? I am not sure I want to go through with the divorce but want to make sure my kids are protected if I should change my mind,or if she should come into the picture while we are working on things. This possible child was conceived right after we seperated (men on the rebound drinking too much and women who take full advantage of that)and is the main thing keeping me from saying we can work things out.As you can see I am still very emotional some days about it. Just want to make sure I think of things from all angles. Thanks!!

ok first a disclaimer:
every state is different with different laws so I would go to a lawyer and ask them what is the best way to handle it.
second disclaimer:
I have a more than willing H who wanted me and our family back so badly that he probably would have given me a kidney to sell if I asked for it, so that makes my job much easier than most BW.

But no the CS isn't taken out of his ck but it never was even when we were divorced. We took what the CS amount was divided it by 2 for his pay periods and he deposited the money every pay day and never missed a beat. As long as the CS is FILED with the state and neither of us is complaining about it then they just don't care.
Now if H wanted to, he could not sign the CS papers and then the CS for the OC would probably go up. That sounds so harsh but I've learned that my family depends on me to take care of them and thats what I'm going to do.

Get CS filed with a lawyer and let your H know that its for HIS kids benefit to do this now before the OC is born. Tell him that HE doesn't know what could happen in the future and he should protect his kids now. I wish you the best of luck!

I have not necessarily done anything legally to protect myself to stay w/H, but I have done the things I felt I would need to do if the need should arise. We have always had seperate bank accts., and seperate credit cards. I have started to keep a little in savings that he can't really get to. I've also made it clear that if anything were to happen I would get the house and my dogs. I don't really think w/o me H could be responsible enough to take care of either properly. We rent a guest house (to my brother), and w/ the rent from that I could pay the bills if I had to. Since XOW has not gone to court that has not been an issue yet. I would go through the courts to be sure to get the CS I deserved (not what H thinks he can afford). For me it's been more planning in my head to be sure I could take care of myself. I have a good paying job w/ insurance, and probably would be at about the same income bracket w/o H. I also have options in that w/ my degree I work in a low paying career field. I could always get a better paying job if the need arose. I just love what I do! I've also kept documentation (proof) of the affair (e-mails, phone bills, etc...). That way if we ever have to go to court I know I have proof of what he's done, he has nothing on me, because I haven't done anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

GET A DANG GOOD LAYWER FOR THIS.

1. We did separate, legally and I was awarded spousal and child support. He had a different LEGAL address, but was here 100% of the time.

2. Once child support was set (no way around it), we then looked towards the future. I created and established a business, that is paid for work done in my name. The business works for H company. This has kept his income at a much lower level. Thus has kept family finances in the family it was intended. IT ALL HAS TO BE SET UP LEGALLY.

3. Make sure WITH A LAYWER that you are not being screwed over financially. Example: The court may insist that your husband carry health insurance on the oc. In our case, we do have a policy on the oc, but since we are only liable for 50% of the medical bill, our insurance only considers 50% of the bill. Hence ow is liable for the remainder. Also, if oc is in child care and they expect you to pay for a portion of it, make sure oc is in a licensed facility and not at her mothers or sisters. NO WAY. You will want itemized records of days attended, what about vacation time, stuff like that. Make sure you are not paying for child care where there is none.

4. College funds. If you don't have them for your children, you don't have to have them for oc. WE do not have college funds set aside for our children. However, my mother and father do. Thus we do not have to do so for oc.

5. Future increases....can they be delayed? Or invested in another way besides as income? What about paying YOU instead? GET A LAYWER.

It will pinch at first, but you get used to it. We are less then a year away from being done with the child support issue. By utilizing legal advice, we have a nice little nest egg set aside. Initially it was set up to protect us from having to pay to much to oc. It may have hurt us for a few years financially, but the end is here (and it goes by fast!) and we are going to splurge on a family trip with the extra monies.

Educate yourself to your states laws. Knowledge is power, then use it. It is far easier for an over-worked judge to just pass over these cases, and the father gets screwed. Fight for his rights. Visitation? Should be 50% if that is what the father wants. OW has no more right to that child then he does. No contact? Make dang sure that OW is not allowed to get away with harrassment.

Understand that once child is born, and is established as his DNA, she loses all control. It is entirely up to you two, within your marriage as to how you chose to handle it. What she wants is not an issue. Want contact? Then go for it. She can't say no. She has no right to say no. Want nothing to do with the oc? She can't do a thing here either. It is all up to you. Should she raise a fuss and start calling and whining.....Go after her with the law.

One very important thing. NEVER PAY AN OW WITH A PERSONAL CHECK. EVER. You do not want a person of that character to have your bank numbers. We have child support set up with a bank that we do not bank with. We put $$ in that account and it is then put into hers. She does not have access to any of our information. Once cs is finished, we are done with that bank too!

Should ow start any games with you, document, document, document. NEVER ANSWER HER PHONE CALLS. Always make her leave a message. That way if (when) she gets irrational, you will have a recording of it. People who knowingly leave messages on answering machines know they are being taped, thereby it is admissable.

You can speak to his company and they can start to log his work calls also. In case she tries to harrass him. PROTECT YOURSELF.

Also protect your family. Our extended families wanted nothing to do with ow/oc. OW as livid. She assumed that my inlaws would want to know oc. She couldn't have been more wrong. All of our extended families were added to the Order of Protection. She was told, through the courts that she was not to contact any of us for any reason.

She also had a habit of trying to sue us for things. Example: She felt we owed her child the $$ value of a trip to Disneyworld, since we took our children?????? Stuff like that. She dragged us to court, lost and was forced to pay our legal fees. Since she didn't, she now has liens against her home.

Prepare. Keep track and you will be fine.

Eventually, like an errant puppy, they figure out to quick making messes. Swat them with the law a few times and they will learn to leave you alone.

You will have a happy life and you will get past all of this. It is a mistake that can be overcome.

Keep a sharp eye too. Right now, you may feel like collapsing in a fit of tears and sadness. DON'T. You have to stand up, be firm, be strong and fight for your rights here. Protect yourself and your children first. Your may get upset when he sees the separation papers, but it is vital that you talk about why you are doing it. Should you reconcile, after oc is born, and oc child support is established, you will need to speak to your laywer about the ramifications of a legal reconciliation. ALWAYS KNOW THE LEGAL ASPECTS OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Look into him signing a deed to your house, in your name only, get his name off of savings, stuff like that WHILE YOU CAN. The less he owns, makes, has, the less oc gets. BUT DO IT LEGALLY.

Thanks so much for all your replies. You have given me alot to think about.It sounds like no matter what, in order to protect my kids I should continue on with the divorce(it should be final in another month or so). Some of you have said legal separation.What would be the difference/benefits of doing that over divorce? Some days I think maybe I am crazy to even consider putting myself through all of this. I know on the emotional side it is something I am going to have to work through myself,but I appreciate all the financial advice from those who have been there.Thanks!!

If you are separated Legally, you have all the rights of a wife. Things like survivor benefits, health insurance, etc. If you are divorcing, but considering reconciliation, really think this through. You can have it stipulated in your decree that he is to keep you as beneficiary, you can have him liable for your mortgage payments, or have him sign over the house.

Be very savvy here.

So am I understanding right that if you are considering reconciling but aren't sure a legal separation is the way to go? You would still have the benefits of being married but all the protection in place if it doesn't work out?