Last night my H and I got into an agrument. He says he feels like I'm pushing him away. He asked me why I was doing this....well ever since the OC was born almost 2 weeks ago, I have felt VERY insecure. Insecure because to see the baby, he has to deal with the OW. I told him that I have my insecurities towards her because I know how she was ONCE, I'm afraid she will try something again, and I don't like it. I told my H that I am fine with him seeing the baby and it has nothing to do with him. So he told me that it was an oxy moron because he says that if I don't have those towards him but I have them towards her, then I don't trust and believe him. I do trust my H but I don't trust her. Yes, I know my H wouldn't do anything but I don't like the idea of her even trying or LOOKING at my H for that matter. Is my H right to say I'm being immature because I didn't make sense when I was trying to explain myself to him?

Hurt, H*ll no he does NOT have the right to think that you are immature in this matter, nor can he judge you on your feelings and emotions without ever being there himself. To solve all matters, I really think you need to stick to visiting OC when YOU ARE THERE AS WELL. That way you can see for yourself how it flows. I definitely wouldn't allow H to go visit OW and OC alone. That's definitely NOT going to happen in my situation. Your H has to realize that although you say you do trust him (and you very well could), he broke the trust barrier and you have every right to NOT trust him. He has to earn that back. Don't you forget that.

YOU're are being COMPLETELY NORMAL under these rotten circumstances!!!!!

Your H is being immature to expect otherwise!

Your H is out side his mind. Please RUN to get some recovery book(s) and/or counseling. Would your H read them and/or cooperate in counseling?? He owes you a lot more understanding of your hurt feelings in this matter HE CAUSED! (The book DH and I loved was "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. Perfect for someone like your H.)

I'd say more but I've got to take care of sick kids.

HUGS, you poor thing,
J

Hurt - this is one of those times when you MUST stand up for yourself. I am not dealing with the OC yet, but this comes down to your husband respecting how you feel about the OW. I think you should GO with your H when he goes to see OC and if OW does not want that then your H needs to tell her she is risking her child not having a father. Period. If your H truly wants to rebuild trust and love in your M, he HAS TO try and accept your feelings as legitimate. He does NOT have to understand or agree with them, but he MUST accept your feelings as valid and important. That's my 2 cents...trust does not return overnight, it takes lots of time and patience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hurt,

Feeling insecure is completely NORMAL. Look at everything you've been through! Look at how your H and OW betrayed you and your marriage! Your H can't possibly be serious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In our situation, in the very beginning, I allowed my H to visit with OC at OW house without me - BAD IDEA on my part. I found out after a few weeks (from OW, who called because my H was telling her we were divorcing which was a big fat lie) that my H was trying to rekindle their relationship. After that, I told him that if he visited OC I would be there, or it would become a driving force for our divorce.

Trust your gut, it doesn't matter who exactly makes you feel insecure, if you are insecure then your H needs to help you feel secure by allowing you to be there and see for yourself how the two of them handle eachother.

I drove a wedge between my H and OW by making sure I was involved in EVERYTHING that I felt was appropriate to be involved in. It took my H over a year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> to get over his addiction to OW - and had I just left him to do as he pleased he would've continue to lie to both me and OW.

I agree with the others, your H needs to understand that it is HIS betrayal that caused distrust and he will have to EARN it back! Trust has now become a privilege - not a right!

Hugs to you, keep your chin up and stand your ground!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> T

Wondering and Victim you two are so right.

Hurt, Insecurities is a NORMAL feeling I think everyone here has felt that. He betrayed you, and the one sacred thing the two of you had/have which is marriage. You may trust him, Its been 7 months for me and I say i trust my husband BUT I have my EYES WIDE OPEN. I know things are over in my case. But it took time for my H to get out of the fog and realize that I was hurt and HURT BAD. That C could not be with him, oc and OW. We have only seen OC 2-3 times and everytime he got her he either had someone go get her or someone went with him, he never went by himself, now drop off was somethign different OW woudl always meet him at a gas station to pick up OC. My H got sick of that qucik to if it could not be mutal that he did not want it. I had wanted to go with H to pick up OC but part of me did not want to go beacuse part of STILL TO THIS DAYS does not want to meet OW yet. I have not seen nor do I want to right now, that was about me movign on.

Just Stand your ground TELL H how you feel, right now he NEEDS/HAS tolisten to you. He hurt you not the other way arounnd!! Also give it some time things will get easier to handle.

MOST IMPORTANTLY PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Every chance you get, only GOD can help you thru this.

My prayers are with you.
Lonely

WHY, WHY, WHy do FWS STILL get so defensive over this kind of stuff?

My H used to say this too sometimes.

IF I heard it again I think I would just say straight out-You're right, I don't trust you!

THen see what he says! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

IT's like he wants YOU to prove that you trust him????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> They are insane & just plain stupid sometimes.

You are completely normal & acting reasonable.

WHO in thier right mind would think it was OKAY for a man & woman who ALREADY had an A, to be alone together or be C each other again?
***************************
***************************
Obviously NEITHER of them are trustworthy or none of you/us woudl be in this situation right?

DUH!

It doens't matter if you distrust him or her, the fact is that you are completely justified & their should be NO arguement about it.

Like someone else said..........stand strong!

xoxoxox
kt

In addition...
I was lurking over at the TOW board trying to get some perspective and some of them said that they were thinking about having sex w/MM after baby was born. Not that they wanted or expected any relationship or that they even acted on their feelings, just that they felt this attraction. Some others suggested it may be just because they watch MM with their child and have these feelings. This clinched it for me. No alone C with OW period. It was no big deal to them before, why would it be now. I trust that my H would not do that but why even put anyone in that situation. As far as I'm concerned if H ever does go visit at her house it will be with me. I don't care how inconvenient this is for anyone. We'll see, her due date is 5/1st.

Hey coldday, where's TOW forum? I really would like to read some of their stuff.

HOnestly, I don't know the address. I just typed in "marital affairs and the other woman" and it came up. Pretty popular I guess:-). It's not for the newly scorned, but there are some sane people over there if you can keep it in context.

Hurt and KT, When H tried this w/ me I did tell him "I don't trust you, can you blame me?" It might be a lovebuster, but it was also honest. It will take time for me to completely trust him. It has gotten better, and continues to get better, but if he thinks I am questioning him to much, etc... I remind him I do have a reason.He gets quiet, but it stops him from trying to turn the situation around on me.

Hi everyone,

I haven't checked since I posted this reply because I was not able to get on. My H bought a new game for his labtop and is obsessed with it. But he's at work tonight so thank goodness! Thank you for all your advice. As for my H visiting the OC. He already told the OW, he WILL not visit the OC at her house. He will ONLY have her drop the baby off at work or at our home. So I don't worry about him going to her house. Someone said to trust GUT instinct and my gut tells me that he truly does NOT want anything to do with this woman because of what has happened in the last 9 months. So I don't fear that aspect. As for him seeing the OC, at this point in time, I am not ready. I will have to be in 4 weeks BUT right now, I just can't do it. He has only seen the baby once and he told me last night that he really doesn't wan to see the baby anytime soon. I know that that will have to change because we will be having the baby in the house, but I do trust him on that. He calls me the MOMENT she calls and tells me what she has to say. I check the phone records and he has been 100% honest on that. I'm just drained today. My H was talking about the OW and the OC the other day. She called him and told him she found out the baby's FAVORITE food. My H is like, um he should ONLY be having formula and breast milk.........NO, SHE FEEDS HIM ICE CREAM!!! NOT JUST ICE CREAM BUT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!!!!!! He is 2 weeks old!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I work with infants so all the books I have I looked up WHY SHE SHOULD NOT DO THIS AND TOLD HIM TO TELL HER NEXT TIME! She said he shouldn't get all worried because her mom raised many kids doing that and they turned out fine. I wanted to call her up and be like, ARE YOU KIDDING? You think you turned out fine? I don't remember where it says in the family values and virtues section that it is 100% NORMAL to sleep with a married man and have a baby. *GRRRRRRRRRRRRR* Goodness, I have one of those weeks from h e l l. Wednesday, I babysit for a family and we were suppose to get 3 inches of snow....we ended getting 7 inches. Well I was in my convertible mustang (we have three cars but our honda was in the shop) and GOT STUCK ON A HILL FOR thirty minutes.....got unstuck then got stuck again on the on ramp......I guess all I can do is laugh.....*sigh*

oh man............be careful w/ all that snow. WE took a snow day on Wed. WE drove to hte mountains & let the kids play.......are you kidding me...no snow @ our house we're in So Cal! LOL

I had a migraine so I didn't feel that good but the kdis had fun-it wasn't even cold.

Yah some women are freaks about overdoing it w/ the babies. THe reason our moms did that kind of crazy stuff was becuase madical knowledge hadn't caught up w/ them yet! DUH! Now we know better........it can only lead to digestional (sp?) problems.

take care,
TGIF,
have a good weekend,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxox
kt

Kt.......we were living in San Diego when we were transferred to Maine July 04 for 6 years....

Hey there neighbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE should get together some time then!

WHere was there snow in SD?

hey.......my smily's aren't working!!!?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrghhhhhh!!!!

LOLOLOLOLOLlollooooollololol
kt

KT, she was in SD, now she is main.

Hurt, that is some weird stuff her feeding that baby that stuff. I'll admit I've started mine on some table food already, which the twins never had one bite (from me anyway) until after they turned one, but choc., and peanut butter, strawberries, honey and some other things are a HUGE NO NO for any infant under a year old. Not only for there tummies, but for alergries as well.

Did you even consider she may just be saying that stuff to see if your husband cares?

I dont think any woman with half a brain would do such a stupid thing.

I think she may just be using it to get your husbands attention or to test the waters to see what he would say.

Please remember who your dealing with a manipulative OW that prob has mental problems and will do anything even lie for attention from her "true Love" or what ever she thought YOUR husband was to her .... she just wants to make him protective of "their" child. She acts incompentent so that he corrects her thus giving her attention that she craves so badly any attention is good attention in her eyes..... she is probably npd or bpd

I would prob bet money on it. Just sit back and see what other stupid stuff she says she is doing I bet it gets worse to get a rise out of your husband....JUST Games for attention.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cordelia:
<strong> Did you even consider she may just be saying that stuff to see if your husband cares?

I dont think any woman with half a brain would do such a stupid thing.

I think she may just be using it to get your husbands attention or to test the waters to see what he would say.

Please remember who your dealing with a manipulative OW that prob has mental problems and will do anything even lie for attention from her "true Love" or what ever she thought YOUR husband was to her .... she just wants to make him protective of "their" child. She acts incompentent so that he corrects her thus giving her attention that she craves so badly any attention is good attention in her eyes..... she is probably npd or bpd

I would prob bet money on it. Just sit back and see what other stupid stuff she says she is doing I bet it gets worse to get a rise out of your husband....JUST Games for attention. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could be what she says, although what does npd mean?
Also, I could believe there are some stupid people out there as I have lived my life and have seen some crap..........but this baby is what 2 weeks old????? Maybe as a gift from husband you can send her a book on the first years, and the link to the parenting website or better yet...if you know her email address just sign her up yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kt,

We used to live in San Diego. I went to SDSU for 3.5 years until we were transferred so I wasn't able to finish. We were living in El Cajon before we moved but I've lived on campus and in Clairmont as well. We were transferred to Maine July 03. Its been quite a culture shock to come from San Diego where life is so BUSY to Maine where everyone moves like turtles! Tonight they are calling for 8 to 16 inches of snow and blizzard conditions. OH GOODY!
As for the OW saying that stuff, yes, I believe she would do such a thing like that. She has never been around kids and has NO clue how to raise a little one. I know there are many things you aren't to give a little one because of allergics and stomach issues. Anyways, she is just stupid. I know all OW's are....

My H has no contact alone with Xow, all contact includes me weather she likes it or not and H has told her that both on the phone and w/ me standing there. She told us she doesn't like that and he told he to bad she's my wife, I love her(ME).This was my H's desion. Even when he talks on the phone he tells me what is being said then and there and asks me my opinion/feelings. So she knows our marraige,family and home come first.