Well, the drama starts. TOW is livid because H refused to pay for 1/2 of her $250 Bradley birthing class she wants to take. We suggested she take the $50 one they offer at the hospital and we'd pay for 1/2 of that. She went off!!!
As far as I know, we're not responsible for a dime until the baby is born, yet every time she calls for $ we give it to her, no questions asked, no proof needed. Of course we have a file and are keeping tracj of everything we're giving her, but come on??
I know what the court will grant her for CS will cover daycare and not much more. Of course we feel like our moral obligation is to help with all medical expenses related to baby and we will probably end up giving much more than the court deems legally necessary, so why get a bug up your butt? I know she's probably scared, but take a chill pill, you are in no situation to negotiate as far as I can see.

She even had the nerve to say "Did you have your wife pay for half of her maternity clothes, half of her birthing class??" Uh, please don't compare yorself to me, not the same. and my husband said "I've got a newsflash for you, She's my wife! and she gets whatever she wants!" Of course between you all and I we know that's not always true, but Good One honey!

I'm just flabbergasted that she's expecting us to support her! Here's how I see it. You laid down with someone you knew was married (albeit separated) with 3 young children, you knew you were very capable of getting pregnant (no birth control, previous abortion) and you knew if you did get pregnant you would not be able to in good conscience have another abortion (the whole Catholic thing), so you took your chances and these are the consequences...you're a single Mom. Nope, not fair, but you knew the rules when you started this game.

I think she needs a reality check. Has anyone else dealt with this? I don't understand what she thinks she's ENTITLED to?

When I considered D, did I expect H to fully support me until children were all in school like he said he would (and no he promised her nothing), NO, I knew what my financial picture looked like and I dealt with that REALITY and hoped for the best. I did not stay with my H for finacial reasons. Things being the way they were, it really wasn't worth it, but I just don't think she's being realistic. Anyone? Thanks for letting me vent.

Do NOT pay her one single penny in any form whatsoever, until DNA proves your H to be the father.

While it's good to document everything you're giving her, down the road, a judge could deem it all as a gift, and it won't be applied toward his financial obligation if he is the father. Giving her anything right now, can be viewed as an acknowledgement of paternity as well.

Stay clear of her, do everything through an attorney. You have no obligation to her at this time, AT ALL. She has absolutely no business contacting the two of you either, and you do not have to put up with it. I don't know the law, others can help you better with that, but I'm sure there's a way you can get a RO on her if she continues to harass.

I wish you well.

~ad

Glad to know that I was right on with this one. Frankly, we ARE viewing all of this as a gift. We're both very sure it's his, but regardless I think this is the price he pays for his stupidity.

Speaking along those lines though, what about the birth certificate? Can she just throw Joe Schmoes name on there? Obviously, he won't know for sure until the baby's out of the hospital. What if he puts his name on there and the paternity test says it isn't his?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...reality BITES doesn't it STOW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
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WEll you have set a precedent in paying wahtever she asked for until now, so of course she is surprised & freaked that you won't pay NOW!

YOu are under NO obligatin to pay for anything...much less an OPTIONAL birhting class.

Are you familiar w/ TBM (the bradley method)? IT is most commonly used for HOME births. IS OW planning on a home birth? Interesting.

I say don't give her another dime!

If you want to you can........but there have been plenty of stories of couples who gave OW plenty of GIFTS (becuase that's ALL it will be considered) because DNA PROVED OC was not H!!!!!!!

So........financially, it is NOT a wise thing to do & it cna set a precedent. IF DNA proved it was not H..............the courts could look upon it as him taking up the responsibility of fatherhood & still screw him for it by declaring him the responsible father anyway. IT has been done.

So you are taking a big risk.
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Yopu're welcome to vent anytime.

What does H think about all of this?

You really should NOT be giving OW one penny until DNA is established, there should NOT be ANY C w/ OW whatsoever actually.

xoxoxoxox
kt

oops...I was replying @ the same time.

It depends on state laws.....but I have heard/read that a man/s name cannot just be put on the birth cert. unless he signs an acknowledgment of paternity or DNA is established.

I've never seen our OC birth cert so I have no idea & H was contacted to change OC name 'legally' before I even knew of OC & OW so....I don't know HOW that happened.

SO....anyhoo..................check w/ your state laws.

KT,
Yes, I know about those Bradley classes, I was interested also, but WE couldn't afford it. The other name for those are "husband-coached birthing", uh, that's not you honey!

As far as H, he's as perplexed as I. All we can think is that she's scared, but we're trying not to get caught up in the drama. Although as you can see, I'm not having a good day.

Time to see that lawyer. I still think we should pay for 1/2 of her NECESSARY medical expenses regardless, but we won't give her another dime until we speak to a lawyer. Thanks!

We where told if we paid anything it is an admission of guilt. OK we know they are guilty. But like KT said if he is paying for a child that is not his b-4 the birth, he wont mind paying for him when he gets here. KWIM! Here I know we would have been responable for the birth and conditions associated w/ Baby A only. Not her. Thats why he was put on my insurance the day he got here. But I think you are making a BIG mistake not doing this w/ an attorney. Dont send her anything! Nothing! This should be in your POJA. Have you set down and discussed how you feel on the visits and such? DO THIS B-4 the child gets here so you and H are on the same page. Lots of emotions come into play when the birth happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Thanks everybody. No more until lawyer says it is or is not in our best interest. We contacted a lawyer today and had planned on it all along anyway. The baby is due 5/1st, so hopefully we have time to get it all worked out by then.
I understand what you all are saying about admission of guilt and glad I asked!

I'm figuring at this point she can do the rest on her own (use credit cards or whatever) and we can reimburse her if it turns out it's his.

I am glad she wigged first though. I pride myself on not throwing the first punch, but fight a good fight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Here we go!

We also paid for 1/2 hospital bills etc... It may not have been the smart thing to do, but H also felt it was his responsibility. In our case H wouldn't sign the birth certificate until we had proof of paternity, so XOW put our last name as OC's middle name! I was furious when I found out, but there was nothing we could do.

coldday' dont let him sign anything ever.

She cant put him on the BC without his permission unless she is married to him.

Dont give her another dime or any gifts without DNA proof and then make sure its blood test. Let her go on welfare if she has to.

Oh the catholic thing and a second abortion why would she worry about that when she commited adultery. She is a catholic of convenience DONT even believe another word she says, she is a liar.

I hope you don't mind my inputting my .02 - but when I was pg, I never expected xMM to buy ANYTHING OR pay any of my bills. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I was working full time and had insurance that covered everything, and as far as maternity clothes, etc. I just never thought it was his responsibility to buy them - I had a lot of second hand stuff from my sister, and anything else I needed I bought on my own. Don't any of these women work, or have insurance??

Thanks everybody. I am starting to see her true colors. No, I'm not buying the Catholic thing either. She is a teacher and has good ins, is 31 and my H is a good father, so why wouldn't she keep it? I don't think she did it on purpose, but apparently he was worth the risk. I think she was more "into him" than he thinks she was.

Thanks Joshmom for your input. I have a friend who accidentally got pregnant and wasn't in a committed relationship, she never expected a thing either. I'm not saying she should have to go it alone, but I'm just amazed. What did she think? He was going to support her as he does me and my children...apparently. Thanks all.

cdij~

I'm glad you got an attorney!

Do you have caller id? Don't pick up when she calls. Better yet, change your number. On your mobiles too. Close any email addys she may be aware of too.

~ad

I think in most states if you are not married to the man you SAY is the father then the mother and father have to fill out Declaration of Paternity papers and sign in front of a notary at the hospital -so most likely the father spot on the OC's birth cert will be blank until you go thru court, get the DNA, and OW requests your H's name to be added/change baby's last name. It took a lot of talking to get my H to realize he shouldn't give OW anything til OC comes. He says he should take responsibility, but we all know that it is not necessary and can get you in trouble down the road in court. My H and I will probably still get the D cuz I don't want to have any ties to this OW or OC until he can figure out on his own what he is going to do for the rest of his life (grow up or stay mentally 17 forever...)

OH and sorry but a BIG P.S.
The OW in my situation pulled her Catholic of Convenience card about abortion as well...you know, being Catholic didn't come to her mind when she was fornicating and commiting adultery...
I just LOVE that s**t <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
being Catholic myself, it really burns me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well, we talked to the lawyer today. He says we are acting under a "reasonable assumption of paternity", but that if the paternity test comes back as not his, we will not be financial reliable. Also, we could go after her for making a false claim of paternity. So we will continue paying 1/2 of the medical bills, but will get the bills in the mail b4 we pay.

He also suggested we try not to piss her off for future relations. We DO want contact and that has been our intent all along. So I ain't sayin' nothin' to her unless she gets in my face. I will NOT take her **** on this one. IMO she shouldn't have a beef in the world with me, things could have gone way worse for her.

We also got an idea of what will be paying her. It seems higher than what people were telling us, but reasonable for raising a child. I guess we're in a unique postion in that my H owns his own business, so we can say we make whatever we want and he can put me on the payroll (because my $$ is n/a) if things get nasty. We're not trying to get out of anything, just a thought on my part if she goes whacko or something.

H and I talked and we won't be telling our children or signing anything until the P test comes back saying it's his.

So from here, I guess that's the next step. Thanks all.