I had not seen him since 7/03. I needed to see him to make amends for my part of things- like being a control freak, and a yeller, and a person who LB all over the place. I posted "confused about my divorce" in divorcing/divorced and emotional needs about all that. We met about an hour and a half. I had a list of things I wanted to make amends for that I had done. We talked for a while about life in general, then about someone whose wife and son died that I was pretty close to, then about my niece who is having a hard time. Then I got my list and just read it and read it and cried but it felt cleansing. Then when I stopped he asked if he could take the list and just said "there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you or what happened." He also said that he didn't know if it meant anything to me but he was so sorry. He said he had wanted to say that for a long time. Which when you see someone look you in the eye and really mean it- of course it means something. So I cried more and he cried and then he said he didn't know what he was doing or who he was when he was having the affair- it was like he was a different person and could not believe the things he did. He said he somehow felt justified doing it but now knows he was not (All this I knew because of MB - it was FOG). He said he knows how much he hurt me and also knows he hurt himself and so many others. I asked him about OC and told him I thought of her. I asked some questions and he wanted to know if I wanted to see a picture. Which was weird because I had thought of asking but I didn't. So I said yes. She's cute. I told him my thoughts of missing her and feeling like the OW had stolen a child from me because she had his child instead of me- that I tried not to think that way but I just felt a loss. That I cared about OC and hoped she was well taken care of. He also said that OC reminded him of my niece- and as I know, my niece acts and looks like me. He said he knew that sounded weird, but he thought about me when seeing OC. I just told him I was powerless- that I had been a control freak previously and now I was realizing I can't fix anything or anybody but me but because I chose to love him I hoped he would get help he needed (we didn't talk about the pornography or him living with OW) and that his life could turn around if he chose for it to- but he was the one who had to have the change of heart. He had to realize his worth-his potential- his dreams- and do something about it. I dont' know what that means he will do- I just know I made amends on my part. We hugged. It was hard to let go, I admit. But he is living with OW- I have to let go, I just needed him to know that I know where I screwed up and make amends for that. I am rambling, don't really know what I am looking for- I am at peace - yet yes, I do miss him. But I don't miss the fighting and the hurt- and I want to be truly loved.

Talk about WOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I bet that really felt good & created some sort of closure for you hanh?

I mean closure @ least for your own part that you admitted & to hear him actually say that he is sorry.

I'm glad that you had that opportunity.

Why were you 2 getting together anyway? If I may ask. What was the actual reason & who initiated it?

xoxoxoxox
kt

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

That's amazing, adgirl. Really powerfully told. Thanks for sharing.

HUGS,
J

ktbunch,
As far as laying my stuff out to be able to let it go, and as far as hearing a genuine apology, yes it was closure. I thought it would be complete closure. But talking to him, I don't know. I initiated the conversation. I had been thinking a lot these past few months about wanting to make amends- my old youth minister's wife died- and all they talked about was what a great mom and wife she was- I realized I wasn't such a great wife- that I wish I had been- you can't change the past but you can change yourself today...then my niece has had all kinds of trouble- mainly because no one stopped to see she needed us, she needed love, affection, someone to care. And I realized I wasn't there for ex when he was hurting- I just didn't notice- and even worse, when I did, I didn't do anything. I couldn't go on without saying those things to him. Also it is 2005- a new year- a new start- and we are having a 40 days of excellence at my church- talking about living your best life- making a difference- being the best ME I can be- and I just told ex- I said, look, I thought I could control all things and fix all things, and I realize- I am powerless. I can't fix you- I can't change you- you have to change you- but I am choosing to love you enough to tell you I hope you will. That I hope he knows he is worth more than being in a job he hates and living with a woman he had an affair with. He said he only realized later how much he had damaged/hurt himself. But here's the thing. I don't have any idea what the future holds. And I finally admit that- but it is scary - and messy. And when I left- he said, you have my email address- and I said I know, but I don't want to be the OW- I am not wanting to hurt anyone-So he said Ok- now if I email him, or talk to him again, since he lives with the original OW- does that make me OW like in an EA standpoint- or no, because he is not married? I am just trying to do the right thing-by everyone. I know a LOT would have to happen for anything in the situation to change- And I dont' want to have any type of false hope-but I also don't want to lose hope. It's a fine line. I didn't even think about any hope regarding the matter til recently. I just knew I needed to make amends- then let the chips fall where they may.
rambling again out of trying to process it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

That's funny-------because that is what I was thinking......about YOU then being the OW.LOL

I just don't think it is wise to get emotionally or physically involved w/ him @ this point, I think you already know that.

IF he were to get his life back on track, stop living w/ OW, start showing w/ ACTIONS that he wanted to get back w/ you----------THEN I would say, have @ it.

kwim?

I say......yah, there will always be love there, I don't doubt that.

I say leave it all up to him. HE is making his choice already. IF he chose to turn his life around then you would know there was a chance between you 2. I don't think it is fair for him to put it on you to C him or not. I'm sure if he wanted to, he could get in touch w/ you right?

I don't think you have anything to lose by being hopeful.

Does OW know that he met w/ you? Because if she did, I wonder what she would think/feel about that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I bet she wouldn't be too happy. LOL

xxoxoxoxxo
kt

Kt,
I agree with you on the OW thing. He could contact me- I asked him before we met if he had my cell phone # if he was running late or something came up- he had it memorized- and he has my email address (it was ours!)
Yes, OW knew- no, OW was not happy. We did not discuss her much at our meeting, he only told me that on the phone. He said he told her he wanted to hear what I had to say.
I bet she really would not like knowing he thinks of me when he sees their child.
Too bizarre.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thanks Jenny- hugs to you too.

adgirl~

Your post made me cry. When I first came here, that was no big deal...I cried at EV-ERY post! It only happens these days when one really hits me. Yours did. What a window into the heart of a BS and WS after the fog has cleared, and walls are down.

I remember you from long ago. I think we arrived on the scene around the same time. I've wondered about you. I'm glad you shared your update.

Thank you.

~adoldlady <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Adgirl,

I haven't posted in awhile on MB site, but was so moved by your post. I am in the middle of Divorcing my WH. Reading your post was almost like opening a window into my soul. I have come a long way thanks to this site and the lovely women I now call my friends (SBF). I am feeling quite the same as you did during or after your D, I think.

I am just praying for peace, my worst fear has already happened and I am living it daily, but the unkown I think has kept me paralized in my situation of some sort. I have moved wuite slowly with the D proceedings because of it. I am tired of being afraid to do what I need to do to protect me and my children.

Please don't misunderstand I know what I have to do and I am going to do it, but the guilt i feel of as you said being a controlling , yelling, LB wife sometimes overwhelms me. ( sorry for the run-on) How did you make it through your D (if I may ask)? My H has done nothing to change our situation or make it right and I am just tired of waiting I must do something to protect me from this limbo I've been living in and the uncertainty my children are living with. I hope to that someday H will come to his senses or that God will have him become who he needs to be and let's face it - I do hope that someday he could come back to us a changed man, a christian man doing what he needs to for his family. I have had to admit to myself that he was never the man I really wanted him to be - I mean family never came first.

I didn't mean to thread jack, you just touched me on a day that my soul needed to be touched.

I thank you for sharing,

JT2 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Autumnday,
I remember you too! How have you been? What is going on in your life these days?
Thanks for posting. Sorry I made you cry- although tears are sometimes good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Waiting to exhale-
How did I make it through? Finding God - really finding Him- and clinging to Him. Making stupid, big mistakes and getting involved with a man I shouldn't have (no he wasn't married- he was just crazy - lol)- and realizing that I was hurting desperately and needed counseling. So I go to a counselor.
My ex was not the man he needed to be either. Will this whole fiasco bring him to God? Bring him to family? I don't know. I am confused because am I his family, or is the OW and OC his family even though he isn't married to her? Most people say since we don't have kids and they have a child, I should let go. But she has a child with her ex too, and she let that child go to be with my ex. So either way, a child does not have 2 parents in the home. I feel connected to his child, because she is part of him. I know I would love her, but I know I need him to put God first and me second. Can he do that? Is he even thinking about it? I have no idea.
I am sorry you are hurting so much. I don't know your story but prayers going out to you and I wish you the best.
Just don't make decisions based on emotions- as ktbunch said in another thread of mine- that isn't usually the best thing to do.