Our XOW finally submitted to paternity testing on OC. We are now awaiting results which should be available in the next several days. (we're all 100% positive it is H's) Anyway, not sure what the next step for us should be. XOW is married and her H is on BC for OC. Once we have official test results in hand, what can we do? Do we have to retain an atty? We are wanting visitation with OC and I realize that CS will probably go along with that. Can we just go to CS division in our county and have something worked up or is it going to have to go through judicial system where we get an atty and they get an atty? Is it possible a judge would say that regardless of the test the child should remain in the household he is currently in (XOW and her H) and we have no rights for visitation? OC is 5 months old so it's not like he's "established" his home. We really don't have the $ for an atty., especially since we just forked out $420 for the paternity test. If anyone's been in a similar situation (where OW was married also) please advise. Thanks.

Hmm...

I don't know what state you're in, but the first thing that has to be done is that her H would have to be taken off the BC, and his paternal rights revoked. A child can't have two fathers, kwim? Your H wouldn't be held responsible for CS, nor given visitation rights through the courts (though that doesn't mean you all could work out visitation privately if you all agreed) as long as her H is listed as the father.

When you have the DNA results your H can petition the courts for "standing", i.e. the right to be heard on the matter, but your H may be denied entirely. Legally speaking, the child has a father, and the courts may very well refuse to change the current situation. However if HER H WANTS to be taken off the BC, that's a different story...
HE can petition the court for a change of paternity, and likely HE would be heard.

I know it sounds confusing, but that's how it goes in many states.`

Look up the state laws for family law. I know it's a lot of legaleez, but you can get the general idea. I believe that in most states, unless the H is contesting paternity, even with a DNA test, your H may not have any rights. Do a google search for "your state" family laws, paternity.


***FYI***I just did a search for my state, and there was a section where it offered on line/down loadable booklets on just about every topic imaginable! Could be VERY helpful, so check it out. I even down loaded the booklet and found answers for YOUR question in MY state <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

Oh boy....are we in for a ride! I'm almost positive that her H will NOT want his name taken off BC, she did the paternity testing against his wishes, and he hates my H (rightfully so) so much that I think he'd purposely put up a fight just because. My H and I were pushing for her to have an amnio paternity test when she was pg (all documented via e-mail if that counts) and at first she and her H tried to say that they had the test and that it came out that her H was the father, and then she admitted to lying about it because she didn't want to take the test. It really sucks that my H couldn't force her to take the amnio to establish paternity before the birth, and he had no rights to fathership because the baby was born within a marriage and her H was legally the father from the birth on. I know that it is the price you pay for playing with fire but unfortunately I have to live with my H for the rest of our lives with him knowing that he has a son that he can't have anything to do with. So in a sense I'll be punished once again because our lives will never be "complete". Know what I mean? I will look up family law in my state (Indiana) and see what I can come up with. Thank you all for your advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> XOW is married and her H is on BC for OC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm almost positive that her H will NOT want his name taken off BC, she did the paternity testing against his wishes, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It really is up to the laws in your state. Where I live it doesn't matter if the DNA comes back as the MM, if the woman has a child during the marriage it is automatically the H.

When I had my daughter with XMM, my H was put on the birth certificate and signed it. Xmm took me to court to get rights to his daughter, the case was thrown out.

There is even a case that went to the supreme court where the bio dad had positive dna results and he still lost.

Michele,

Is there any way your H and you would be willing to just let this drop? Let the xow and her H raise the baby as theirs? Do you think the H really wants this baby, and is a responsible man, or do you think he might just be doing it out of spite?

If her H is a decent man, who can be trusted, and is willing to raise this baby as his own, wouldn't it be worth it, to live your life in peace?

You and your H wouldn't be abandoning this child, in fact, IMO, you'd be giving the child a chance at a peaceful, two parent, one home, life. I think that's a gift, and you'd have absolutely nothing to feel badly about. It's not much different than adoption.

~ad

Michele,

This is what I found:

http://www.uslegalforms.com/paternity/indiana-paternity-forms.htm

Let me know if it helps. I did it by a google search of "Indiana paternity laws"

Autumn Day, XOW and her H live three blocks from us....our kids go to the same school. If both families end up living in the same houses in the same little town we live in, my youngest daughter (who was born 3 weeks before OC) and OC will be in the same class at the same school. My middle child and their oldest child are good friends and play sports together, etc. We see XOW and her husband quite frequently around town. I know my H won't let this drop. He really loves his kids and this one is no different. Don't really know what her H thinks at this point. I dropped all contact w/him in early December because I was torn between his emotions (feeling the same ones since we are both in the same boat as BS's) and the emotions of my H and I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm sure you're thinking that we should move. I don't think that that matters as far as OC is concerned. He is still my H's child and my H knows that and I don't think he'd ever give up trying to establish a relationship w/ him.

Tigger, thanks for the link. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're right, that is what I'm going to suggest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know, easier said than done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Even if there was no OC, I'd say do it.

I'd say move heaven and earth to do it.

I cannot imagine having any semblence of a normal life, living that close. NC would be nearly impossible to achieve, even IF that's what you chose.

Moving away doesn't mean your H can't still pursue paternity, and his rights to the child.

It DOES mean protection of your M and your children though!!!

You don't have to move out of state, but just a couple of towns over, where you can still keep the same job(s), but be nowhere near the xow. I live 40 miles from xom, and although it's an uncomfortable feeling even being that close, it's really like another world away. He is not in my circle at all, and chances are pretty slim I'd ever run into him.

I give your H and you a ton of credit. I was just trying to point out a very viable option, especially if the xow's H is willing to raise the baby. It would surely provide both of your marriages a good measure of peace.

I still think the child having one home, and two parents would be the best for the child. I still think you're H would be giving the baby a gift by not pursuing this.

How do YOU feel about it all? Do YOU want to have contact with the child?

Take good care.

~ad

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>

Autumn, I agree whole heartedly with you. Not sure if you've read my whole story (posted about a month or so ago) but there are other XOW's in this town that my H has been with and that I have to see on a regular basis due to my kids' sports, school, the grocery store, etc. It's hard but it seems to get easier day by day. I have mixed feelings about the OC and contact. It burns my [censored] that OW has something of my H's that I thought only I would provide, and the only problem I see with C is that she has to make a presence even more so than when I do see her now. I don't want XOW and my H to have any unsupervised contact whatsoever, however, I don't know that I can enforce that. Also, I feel that she gets off scott-free if we drop the whole C issue. She was just as much a part of this whole mess as my H was, and for her to "get her way" and continue w/her happy little family as if nothing happened is for the birds!! She should have to pay consequences as well. I think her and her H are just trying to protect their image and that's BS in my opinion. So that's another reason why I'm for C. And then, of course, the OC is my kid's half brother and they have a right to have something to do with him, and vice-versa. Lastly, I feel that my husband will sulk the rest of his life if he can't have anything to do w/ OC and I'm the one who has to put up with that. Are these wrong reasons? Serious question here.

Michele,

I don't really see a lot of concern for this child here. There's what your husband "wants", what the OW "wants" and what you "want".

Frankly, I would have suggested that you and your husband:

1. Move
2. Drop any attempt to "claim" OC

especially if this child will be brought up in what I would consider a reasonably intact family.

In most states, if you want to "fight" for custody (and it doesn't sound like the OW and her husband will go along easily with regards to visitation)---your $420 paternity test will be a drop in the bucket. It will likely take you tens of thousands of dollars to attempt to get custody (state-dependent, of course).

I wouldn't pursue it---especially for the reasons that you give.

K, we're not wanting physical custody of the baby, we realize he has a home with his mother and her husband. We want visitation. My H has a right to know his son, regardless of how the baby got here. And my children have a right to know their half brother. Like I said, if neither family moves away then the OC and my youngest daughter will be in class together. Oh, the what if's....but what if they end up "liking" each other not knowing they're half siblings. Is it better to establish that now versus down the road when the child is older? "Oh sorry, Brock, you can't date Maleah because she's your half-sister." The thought of having to go through THAT is scary in itself!! It's unfair to ask my husband to drop the issue and walk away. That is his child and he has a right to know him.

Michelle,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We want visitation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, this is what you "want."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H has a right to know his son, regardless of how the baby got here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where on earth does it say your husband has the "right" to know his son? It's an interesting concept, but one can make a strong case both morally and legally that your husband has no rights here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And my children have a right to know their half brother.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Same deal for the kids. Not that it's their fault.

If you go into this believing and asserting that you have rights, as opposed to trying to find out how to encourage the OW and her husband to allow you the priviledge of being involved in this child's life---then I forsee huge legal bills and much unhappiness for your husband (and you) in the future.

Think about it.

Michelle,

I should also tell you (in case you don't know), that I am in this situation, in that I (a husband) am raising the child of an affair by my wife. The OM has no involvement whatsoever---but this was his "choice" in regards to protecting his butt.

I can tell you that the way you are approaching this would make me, as the OC's father-by-marriage, extremely upset. I would fight you tooth and nail. You've gone around him to do paternity testing (a real issue for his marriage, undoubtably). You assert you have rights when right now---you have none. To establish your "rights", you will need to sue this man---as if your husband hasn't done enough damage by killing a friendship through this affair.

If you could look at the reality of this situation---you might realize that your actions could potentially be putting this child at risk. Your behavior and that of your husband is certainly affecting their marriage, and not in a positive way. It's very likely that you could lose a custody battle. It could eventually cost this child (and his half-siblings) a stable home, however---if the toll on this marriage is strong enough to end in divorce.

Your best hope for this situation would probably be to back off, and offer that you are interested in establishing a relationship with the child, and attempt to let the other couple define how (if) this could work. Giving them time to work on the healing.

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He really loves his kids and this one is no different. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see that at all. I see a man who loves himself most of all, and fuels his pleasures---costs be damned. A real man who loved children might actually understand this situation, and not act in such a wanton and reckless way.

Michelle,
My H and I were in a similar situation. OW is married and her H was on the BC.
As soon as we found out about the exsistence of OC we arranged a paternity test. H filed with the Attorney General's office in our state. In fact, he filed before OW did. We had both agreed we wanted contact. I felt the OC had NO part in this absolute mess. When my H was vacillating, I asked him,"Will you be able to look in to OUR children's eyes and tell them you left their sibling because it was too "messy" and "difficult"?
That was an eye-opener for him. Check on the laws for your state. Be careful of Pandora's Box. Once you open it.....you can't shut it.

By the way...the court recognized H as father and removed Ow's H off of birth certificate. Even though he didn't want it removed. OC's last name is the same as ours, not her mom's.

ent

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: entwifejmr ]</small>

Sorry for the threadjack,...but I just gotta...

I find the law incredibly full of injustice. If the oc is born to a mow, she has the CHOICE of putting her h on the bc and giving the bio dad NO rights, or leaving h off the bc and sueing for cs. Maybe bio dad wants rights to the child, maybe he doesn't. He has no CHOICE either way. For that matter, the h has very little choice except to plea to the courts.

If ow isn't married when oc is concieved cs is automatically the oc's right...again the bio dad has no CHOICE. He's a pig if he doesn't want contact and incompetent as a dad if he does and the original intact family should just suck it up and pay out. The payment is both emotional and financial.

I find it mind-boggling that in the situation when the mow doesn't want her family intruded on the law gives her a way to prevent it and at the same time allows an unmarried ow to intrude on another woman's family. The law allows this inequity in the name of children's rights and at the same time denies fathers many rights.

Our society cannot keep treating men like disposable parents and then expect them not to act like it.

HM,

I understand your frustration, but it goes yet another way as well!

My child's bio father has never had, nor has any intention of having any contact with him...
However HE has the legal right to keep my DFH, the only father my child knows, and the man he calls "Daddy", from becoming his LEGAL, rightful father if he simply "feels like it" that day...

My DFH has every intention of adopting my child, but a man who has never been part of my child's life can simply say "No", and there's nothing we can do about it...

Yuck.
It sucks all the way around...

You have my sympathies.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: meNtheboyz ]</small>

MNTB- I would like to see FAMILIES have more rights then any one individual. In the situation where there isn't a family already intact, then both parents should have equal rights, equal choice to even be a parent and equal responsibility which would include the father paying not only cs but pat of the pre-natl care and hospital bills as well as missed work time for postpartum. The state shouldn't have to bear this burden alone.

Equal choice to be a parent means that dad can terminate parental rights in the first tri-mester if mom decides not to abort on give baby up for adoption.

I know it sounds harsh, but if men would be as politically active in asserting their reproductive rights as women are I believe there would be alot less single parent families and alot more parents taking responsibility for the children they choose to bring into this world.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the court recognized H as father and removed Ow's H off of birth certificate. Even though he didn't want it removed. OC's last name is the same as ours, not her mom's.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This depends state by state.

My case was almost 6 years ago, so maybe things have changed here also. All I know is when we went to court, Xmm had a signed nortized paper from me stating he was the father. Judge still threw it out.