My story is like all of the broken heart stories that I have heard so far but I just need the opportunity to get it off my chest and possibly get some words of wisdom so here it goes. My H and I met in November of 2001 in the begining our relationship was wonderful or so I thought. We had the best time and things were amazing. We were married right away b/c neither one of us could stand the thought of being without the other. In April I found out I was pregnant and H was so happy he had always wanted a child. The pregnancy had it's ups and downs and we seperated on one occation he moved back in within one month and things had started to go better. On January 26 2002 our beautiful son was born and it was the first time I had seen my H cry. Shorthly after the baby was born we started to drift apart again. He had this job in a warehouse and he met this woman and they became fast friends he told her every intimate detail of our relationship and she knew that we were having problems. I had known since I was pregnant that the two of them were friends but I had never had any reason to belive that it was anything more than that until he started to talk about her more and more. It got to the point that he was asking me if he could buy her a Valentines gift, a birthday gift and several other things. I could not belive what I was hearing. I became very uncomfortable with their relationship very quickly and told him so. He had sworn to me that he had ended their relationship and I belived him util he called me on his birthday and told me that the guys from work were going to take him out to lunch at first I did not think anything of it and then all of the sudden it hit me that something was not right I found out later that it was her that had taken him to lunch and I was furious. We had a huge blow out and we decided that we were going to start over with a clean slate. This was in August of 2002. I have not spoken her name since that day and niether had he. Well here goes our relationship over another bump and I moved out of the house in January of 2004. Well my son came to live with me and we had agreed that in June he would go back to spend the summer with his father(we only lived 60 miles away) son on June 12, 2004 I packed up my son and took him to his fathers. I will never forget that day as long as I live that is when my H decided to tell me about his affair with this woman that I hated and he knew it. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse he tells me that there is a child and HE is 1 and a half years old. I thought that I was going to die that day. So I took some time and decided to come back home and make it work. Since I have been back I have asked every question I could think of to ask and not only have I asked him I have asked her as well and up til now he has not been able to be truthful with me and I don't understand why? We see this child and his mother every weekend and somedays are better than others the only problem that I am having now is that he thinks that I should just be able to move on and I am having a hard time with this. He accepts responsiblity for what he has done but for some reason he thinks that that is where is part stops if I say something he doesn't like or I cry after on of our visits he has no compassion and I am just not sure if this is how I want to live the rest of my life. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

SOinCO,

So sorry to hear this horrendous story. It starts out very similar to mine.

My H, for a very long time after the A, would get very defensive with me whenever I brought it up. Same story: I would cry, he would get upset. I would get angry, he would get upset. I would be suspicious, he would get upset. Finally I told him, he's the one who got us into this mess, and I'm completely justified in feeling hurt, insecure, and suspicious of him. If he couldn't handle those consequences of HIS actions, he could pack his bags!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You are feeling and behaving completely NORMAL. And, sadly, he is behaving the way wandering spouses usually behave. If you two are serious about making it work, you might want to try marriage counseling AND individual counseling. This will help you learn how to deal with eachother and how to process this situation and heal. You aren't going to get anywhere if he can't be supportive to you when you're dealing with the feelings of betrayal HE caused.

Have you gone through this site thoroughly? If you haven't, you should. There are a lot of tips on how to deal with eachother in a way that is productive and isn't hateful or mean.

I've been trying to rebuild my marriage for four years. It took nearly two and a half years for my H to come out of the FOG. We've seperated more than four times, we've nearly divorced twice, and it took more than one visit from the police for us to realize that we were going about it the wrong way. Sometimes all it takes is an objective point of view - like that of a marriage counselor - to help you see the light.

It takes two to make a marriage, he's got to own up to what he did to put your relationship in this state in order for anything to get better. And if he won't, then you need to consider Plan A & Plan B (there are links all over this site).

I hope this has been helpful. If you need anything just let us know. We are all here to help in whatever way we can.

Stay strong and keep your chin up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I love talking to the people here and your story is as if you were living my life. Will I ever get used to seeing her on a regular basis and is it normal to want to hurt her everytime I see her? I just want the pain to go away and he keeps asking me what he should do and honestly I am tired of having to tell him. For once I would like him to put some thought into it and try without me holding his hand is this to much toask?

It took YEARS for H & I to stop our 'cycle' of hurt, anger, defensiveness, hurt, anger, defensiveness ect. IT just kept going on & on & around & around.

H would always say---WHAT do you want me to do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Uhhh hello? what have we been fighting about? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> As if I hadn't told him a gazillion times already.

FINALLY @ one point-------I started to tell him some VERY CONCRETE things/actions he could DO. That is what they want to hear-they are DOERS, they want to FIX it but the reality is there is NO fixing it. IT will be here forever & will NEVER be fixed. BUt there are things they can do to ease the reality of it or to make you feel better & more secure.

For me/us here were the concrete things:
1.)Get a job where he can be reached @ any time of the day (he previously had a job where he drove around all day, NOT SAY you're gonna do it but DO IT, he filled out apps that night & had interviews set up within a week, new job within 2 weeks)
2.)Get visitation/custody filed LEGALLY or quit. (no more unstable games & I wasn't gonna be putting MORE effort into C w/ HIS child than he was, nor was I gonna allow my kids to be put in the middle of the fray-basically ALL or NOTHING, he stepped UP & we created boundaries for our famly w/ regards to visitation & C)
3.) call me if he was ever gonna be late, work late & when he was on his way home ect. (common courtesy, this took some time ot get used to & there were a few slip-ups, that old defensiveness again, but now it's all good)
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IT will be different for every person. You really have to think about what the FWS can do & be honest.

You can't just say...'work this out' or 'treat me better'......becuase WHAT does that look like? Does 'treat me better' look like flowers everyday or a kiss when you get home? IT's very vague. You can't say 'put in some effort'......you must define WHAT 'effort' looks like to you. kwim?

@ some point we arrived @ a mutual agreement that we KNEW neither of us wanted the marriage to end AND I was NOT about to live in a CRAPPY marriage SO we HAD to MAKE IT WORK. Whatever it took-we were gonna make it work AND work WELL. If there was a problem, we were committed to finding a reasonable solution that we both agreed with. (sounds like POJA hanh?)

I was NOT gonna give up & nor was I gonna be a doormat. Take it or leave it----it required effort on both our parts.

So just some ideas & hopefully some encouragement.

I know there were times when I also was like: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I just told you what I wanted but sometimes those things were only clear to me & vague to him----I had to evaluate my communication style & check if I was really being as clear as I thought.

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxox
kt

PS: WHO is it that you want to hurt? OW? I hope you are not referring to OC.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KT, I would never hurt the child but I have to be honest I would love to make her life miserable. I feel like I am so bitter and I often wonder to myself why we do it. So many of us have said that if our S cheats we will leave and there are so many of us that never do. Is it inconceviable that there is someone out there that will trat us with the respect that we deserve? I asked my H if he knew what hurt me the most about the affair and he said the child although that hurts I told him it was the fact that he didn't care enough about me or himself to use protection.

You want to make OC life miserable? WHY?

Are you having problems separating OC from the feelings you have towards OC mother & your H?

While that may be normal it is not healthy.

I would seek some IC for yourself to help you deal w/ the present situation. If you feel you can't control yourself enough to not make it obvious to OC, then what about going out & running errands or doing things for yourself while H visits w/ OC. That way the burden is not on you nor is it on OC to make you feel good. Would that work for you?

If you think that you cannot handle it then a decision has to be made. You have a right to change your mind. You cannot force H to have NC & he cannot force C on you. You both have to discuss it & come to a realistic agreement.
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This is NOT your fault & you are under no obligation to fix it.
Neither is it any of your chidlren's faults nor OC fault. None of you asked or wanted to be brought into a situation like this but you are.

YOU have a choice to remove yourself from the situation. OC does not. Your children do not. IF you D, your children would still have visitation w/ H & OC ect. But you could remove yourself from the situation.

No it is not an easy situation to be in. And it is VERY unfair. You have every right to be upset @ your H over this.

Perhaps there are some UNresolved issues between H & you that need to be addressed. Some MC might help w/ that as well.

I appreciate you honesty. Have you told H how you feel about it, and do you think he sincerely understands?

Nope he didn't care about you while in the A--but newsflash---it wasn't that he WAS NOT caring about you but more that ALL he cared about was HIMSELF. IT takes awhile to understand that, but the A was NOT about you @ all, or OW. IT was completely about HIM.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Truly, becuase we all knwo what it is like. THis is a great forum for support.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
kt