This post is for those of you that have decided to stay and have open communication with your s. Has anyone asked their S what their plan is for how they will explain this to their other children? Or have the twq of you come up with something ? Our oldest daughter is almost ten and I am not sure how to approach this ????

Our children learned of H oc when they were young, 8,7 & 3, almost 5 years ago. I guess they were to young to understand then, but as theyhave gotten older we have talked with them about what happened was wrong.

My H oldest son knows because he is 14. My H middle son who is 9 does not know and our son who is 5 does not konw. I dont know when we are going to tell them, dont want to think what we are going to tell tehm eihter. Right now OC does not come around so its not much of a problem. I just dont know and dont want to think yet about how to handle it. Maybe im crazy for thinking like that.

I asked my husband if he considered the fact that she could get pregnant and he said yes. I also asked him if he had considered what he was going to tell our son and he said yes. So to me it sounds like he had the whole thing planned all along. I really belive that she did have it planned and that is the part that makes me mad. OC will be 2 in Feb and she has not asked for support,help with daycare or even diapers. I asked her why she didn't come to me and tell me that she was pregnant and she said that she did not want to disrupt my H's life and she knew how much he loved our son and didn't want to risk him losing that. I used to wonder why after everything does she still care about what he wants and now I know it's because she is still in love with him.

One of our marriage counselors advised NOT to tell children under @14 unless there is going to be visitation.

Obviously visitation requires an explanation. Counselor said to emphasize that, while adultery is wrong, it is NOT the fault of any child, and the appropriate people will still love and care for each child. (These are the things kids worry about most--their care and stability).

This is a complex topic that even grown-ups struggle with, so be prepared for anything, with counselor if need be.

Best wishes,
J
6y recovery, 3 kids+OC

This one is sticky in my situation.

My H and I believe that honesty is best. Our children are all aware of and attached to OC. Our ten yr. old knows how OC came to be, in the simplest terms, and my H and I both agree that when our other children have questions we will answer them as honestly and simply as possible. The OW doesn't agree with my H and I on this subject at all. She does not want OC to know that she is the result of an affair. OW wants us to lie to OC and say that my H and I were seperated when she was conceived. We cannot come to an agreement with OW on the issue, and since OC is only four we have left it to be dealt with at a later time.

I do not ever want my children to believe that I would lie to them under any circumstances. Lying is a big no-no in our family, I couldn't possibly promote it by making myself a guilty party. But everyone has their own values and the decision is ultimately yours to make. Whatever is right for your situation is RIGHT.

I have told my daughter in a very vauge way as to not offend anyone or hurt anyones feelings. The thing that hurts me is when the OC is around and everyone acts like this is the way it was supposed to be. Everyone is so willing to accept and that is a hurdle I am not ready for. They do have the unfair advantage since they all knew pretty much from the day she got pregnant. I just want someone to recognize that this is wrong instead of us bending over backwards to accomidate this woman and the OC. The TOW trash that I listened to on the other thread makes me sick since when does their comfortablty come before the wifes we had to have visitation with her present for the first 4 months every weekend 6-8 hours a day this woman sat in my house and it made me ill. By the time she left I was in the bathroom losing my lunch. Now we get weekend alone visits but she used to say that she would not leave him alone with us until she felt comfortable. WHEN DOES IT BECOME ABOUT HER COMFORT LEVEL IF SHE WANTED COMFORT SHE SHOULD HAVE FOUND HER OWN MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh honey, it isn't about HER comfort at all!

Bottom Line:

It is about what YOU can handle.

Do you have anything drawn up and filed through the courts?
Has there been a DNA test?

There are things you can do to make it easier, you don't have to play by her rules!! Your H needs to play by YOURS!! You and your H need to compromise (read my response to your other thread)in such a way that will help the two of you cope with this together - with solidarity and security!

And if there hasn't been a DNA test - GET ONE NOW!

If you haven't gone the legal route - DO SO NOW!

This will help in so many ways! Keep your chin up. Take a deep breath. Do something nice for yourself, and remember to stay calm.

(((HUGS)))

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: aVictimNoLonger ]</small>

AVNL, As far as a DNA test he feels he doesn't need one. I will admit that the OC looks just like our S but this is the same man that questioned the paternity of our son and we were married when I got pregnant but of course she has to be telling the truth about OC. My mother once said youcan lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. And as far as the court thing I am kind of scared that it will take money we don't have I am the only one working and he is going to school. I don't mean to sound cruel but why should me and my children have to pay for his mistake. I can barely cloth and feed them and I make pretty good money.

"...we had to have visitation with her present for the first 4 months every weekend 6-8 hours a day..."


THIS is WRONG. WHO said you had to do this?!?! The XOW? She has no power over you guys. Take it to court and get it done LEGALLY. No judge would put up with that unless you or H had a history of violence or abuse.

That is INSANE. YOU are putting up with WAAAY more than should be expected of you. Your H should put XOW in her place and defend your family (but then, FWH should do a lot of things they don't always do...).

I'd like to say more but must go for now. Honey, visitation does not mean you have to be a doormat!! DNA should be done, ch-support and visitation by state guidelines, healthy boundaries between former A partners...

ONE cursory visit to your home by xow is GENEROUS. You're being taken for a ride.

Hang in there.
J

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Jenny Thank You I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick to but my H has this way of making me think that I am crazy. I understood her request the first visit as a mother I to would like to know where my child would be going but after that I feel like it was more what she wanted and not enough about what we needed. I hope that one day things will work themselves out together or not. Everyday I pray for the pain togo away.

6 to 8 hours a day? I think that is a bit much. I think it would probably be better to get visitation set up legally if she is calling the shots like that because I don't think with the child being two or almost any judge would deny you overnights without just cause. As far as child support goes, if you say your h is going to school then he would pay the minimum by state guidelines. I wouldn't worry about that too much because it is going to eventually happen anyway. Ow calling the shots I promise will eventually become too stressful and is going to have a negative effect on you.

Keep in mind that sometimes you have to tolerate eachother for the child's sake if there is going to be contact, but as I always say we will never be one big happy family. Boundaries have to be drawn for everyones sake. Don't let ow get the best of you, she should have thought about everything before deciding to carry a mm child.

As you know in our case H is trying to get full custody of oc, because the mother is not properly providing for the child. I have a friend who tells me that I should somehow help ow onto her feet so that she can take care of her child so that I wouldn't have to. Well my theory on this is I didn't have to hold her hand when she layed down with my h and I'm sure am not about to start. She was an adult then she should be an adult now!

Ow needs are not of your concern. Your H if he is the father has just as much right to that child as she does, so her having to be there for 6 to 8 hours while you guys visit with oc is full of crap. If she truly wants a father for her child then I think she would come to a reasonable agreement you just have to find a way to turn the table. Get that ball out of her hand!

You know that your not crazy. I think alot of WH would like to make the w's feel this way because then it would take the attention off of them.

I am worried about this relationship because I am afraid the longer I allow him to make me think I am crazy the more I will begin tobelive it. He is so stuborn and selfish and has been this way since the day we met. First it was his music and staying in the studio all night now it is school and the radio station(he's an intern) with him there is no balance it's all or nothing and I can't handle it. He is convinced that he cannot get a job and all of his classes are at night he has internship 2 full days a week and it is always about him. Now mind you I work full time as a manager, I go to school and I clean the house and take care of the kids. You know that gene that God took out of some men that does not allow them to multi-task I wish forthe love of Pete I wish he would put it back.

"What are they going to tell their other children?"

Absolutely nothing.

CRYN,I guess I don't understand your reply. Would you care to elaborate?

Starting,

Quite simply it means that we do not plan to tell our children about the oc.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

I didn't get to read all the responses in this thread but just my .02

Denial is as bad a lie and can (usually does) come back to haunt you.

We have NC with OC and probably never will have C but I talk to my children about OC when an opportunity presents itself. I put OC into a conversation with the boys maybe once or twice a month if the topic of conversation feels light and gives me an in to bring up OC. I feel it should be their choice in the future for C with OC or not and I don't want to influence them one way or the other if I can help it. The most they get is that OC has a different Mama and OC lives with her but they all share the same Daddy. So far everything seems fine.

My H didn't really want to tell them but agreed when I said that I did not want my boys to grow up to be 15 and run into OC or hear about OC from someone other than us and then they hate ME for never telling them.

Why do kids alway seems to blame everything on the Moms?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My children will be adults by the time OC is old enough to begin to wonder who exactly his sperm donor is.

We do not believe that children are entitled to or have a right to know about the sins of their parents therefore we will not discuss this with them.

The OC is not now, nor will it ever be a part of OUR family so introducing this information to our children serves no purpose whatsoever.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Cryn, I'm sorry but I must agree with G. It is not by any means a respectable thing however I refuse to allow my H to have an easy way out and ultimatly I hope that it teaches my sons the men they do not want to become. I also feel that it is very important for my children to reilize that we are all human and capable of mistakes it is what you do to fix them that shows your spirit. It is not my place and what you and your H decide to do is up to you however I will put in my two cents and say that your h was man enough to lay down and make this baby I feel that it is unfair for a child to grow up with that uncertinty b/c a man cannot take responsiblity for his actions.