that your h was man enough to lay down and make this baby I feel that it is unfair for a child to grow up with that uncertinty b/c a man cannot take responsiblity for his actions.

He is taking responsibility. He's paying CS and a portion of uninsured medical expenses.

OC's momma shouldn't have lay down with a married man if she wanted a "daddy" for her baby. She won't find one in my husband. He sees himself as nothing more than a sperm donor (especially since he didn't even know of the existence of oc until it was 6 months old) which is in fact what she wanted him for.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Cryn, I do apologize. I feel the same way you do that I wuld love to blame her more than anything however the truth is my H could have prevented this whole heartache by simply putting on a rubber to me it was bad enough that he had the A but there to me is no reason he could not have protected himself or me for that matter. I hope that you understand that I still do not condone in any way sweeping a child under the rug.

If we hadn't started visitation, then I don't know if we EVER would have told our children.

I don't think children need to know those things.
Just like a child doesn't need to know how many sexual partners their mom or dad had before marraige either.

Of course if there are visits then explanations are in order. My oldest needed LOTS of reassurance that mom & dad would be there for him. Kids really just care about themselves & their well-being.

For example, many chidlren after 9/11 that didn't live anywhere near it, wanted to know about safety plans, evacuation methods, what to do in the event of an emergency, ect. kwim?

Our son, after meeting OC, started to question when dad would be home, what time would he be home, why isn't he home yet, when can we expect him, why is he late ect. THe therapist explained that son needed reassurance.

IT is easy for a child to see the half-sibling coming & going & they wonder if that will be them, will they have to see daddy only sometimes, will daddy leave THEM. They don't really care about mom & dad's feelings & they shouldn't have too, they are concerned about themselves. ITs' our job to take care of them.

H had to have a talk w/ son explaining that the reason OC has to come & go was becuase DAD did something wrong & selfish, BUT that he learned his lesson & would never do something like that again & so son did not have to worry about dad not being there for him or messing up our family. ect

THe interrogations (LOL) stopped after that.

From my POV, I made sure to also reassure son about how much I loved dad, how blessed we were that we could stay together as a family, how I had forgiven H, even though it was wrong & hurtful, God changed my heart & filled it w/ love & forgiveness for H & God even blessed us w/ more kids (our other kids) & that God even forgave OW & blessed her w/ OC & another dd. THat children are a blessing ect. blahblahblahblahblabhlahlahalh....I think you get the idea.

I think we made it perfectly clear that the behavior was wrong & not ok but also that we still love each other & can forgive each other even for really bad things that hurt & have major consequences. I tried to point out the positives but not allow it to seem like it was OK.

I used the consequences part of this to drive home the reasons why we do NOT do these kinds of things. Why God has these 'rules' for our lives.

I think it worked for now but only time will tell. Then I also told son if he ever got married & did anything like this, forget about his W, I would kill him MYSELF!LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
kt

KT, I agree. I never want my sons to think that this is an okay behvior and I will do anything in my power to stress that every chance I get. I agree with the whole sex partners thing but as far as the OC this does not only affect your life and your H's life it also affects the children. Children tend to get extremly resentful when something this big is kept from them. It is not 1920 anymore and we do keep extensive records now. To me keeping this from your children is no better than your husband keeping his A from you it was someone you loved who decived you period that is what it boils down to.

SOC-
I think its great that you and H have C and make it work but your posts are coming off as judgemental to those of us with NC.
Every relationship is different, M, A, Dating and each individual in the relationship has choices to make. Your H's decision of C is a good decision for you guys. My H decision of NC is a good for us.
If CS is being paid, how are the OC sweeped under a rug? I'm VERY aware that OC exsist and so is H. We hope OC is happy, smart and loved, just not in our family at this time and might not ever be.
Only your H and his OW know the true nature of their A just as only my H and his OW know theirs. If H can choose NC with no guilt because he knows what their A was about, I support his decision. Personally, I couldn't leave a child but I think that is just women in general compared to men.

Please try not to judge those with NC, they have they're reasons.

My H family keeps telling me taht we need to tell our children. I tell them, they do nto need to know right now. Right now we do not have C so why shoudl we. I told H we will tell them when the time is right. I told him, that he is responsible for thelling his sons about his daughter that is not mommys. He can tell not me, its his bed let him lay in it. I have no idea what OW is going to tell OC when she gets old enough, just feel bad for her knowing how she was conceived, convceived when 2 people were NOT in love and NEVER were going to be together, but for right now she just turned 1 so we dont have to tink about that just yet.

I pray everynight that GOD will help us throuogh it when the time is right.

My H family keeps telling me taht we need to tell our children. I tell them, they do nto need to know right now. Right now we do not have C so why shoudl we. I told H we will tell them when the time is right. I told him, that he is responsible for thelling his sons about his daughter that is not mommys. He can tell not me, its his bed let him lay in it. I have no idea what OW is going to tell OC when she gets old enough, just feel bad for her knowing how she was conceived, convceived when 2 people were NOT in love and NEVER were going to be together, but for right now she just turned 1 so we dont have to tink about that just yet.

I pray everynight that GOD will help us throuogh it when the time is right.

G, Do the two of you have children and if so at some point will you let them know of the other child? I don't mean to be judgemental I was adopted and I have a hard time knowing that everyone knew something and noone told me even when I was old enough. I had to find out on my own and they could have saved me all the heartache. So please forgive me. My H initially said he wanted no contact but I found out later that he had contact just behind my back. I told him that weither I stay or go his children are always going to be his children. I would love for us to be togrther forever but if were not I don't want him to blame me for not allowing him to have had a relationship with his son. To me blood is thicker than water I know H loves me but to me his children come even before me. He says it makes him respect me more. I just think it is the right thing to do.

Lonely that is my sentements exactly this is the one thing that I refuse to make easy for him.

Gwenie,
I agree NC is sometimes best for everyone involved.

But NC is not the same as *never* telling your children. The same counselor who said: don't tell kids under 14 if there's NC, said they should be told by adulthood.

What if someone else tells your kid(s)? What if the OC contacts your kids?! What does that do to their trust of you, then?

My cousins were approached by my uncle's OC when they were in high school, and they didn't know what to think!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'd rather (older)kids find out from parents regardless of contact.

My 2c,
J

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starting over in CO:
<strong> I agree with the whole sex partners thing but as far as the OC this does not only affect your life and your H's life it also affects the children. Children tend to get extremly resentful when something this big is kept from them. It is not 1920 anymore and we do keep extensive records now. To me keeping this from your children is no better than your husband keeping his A from you it was someone you loved who decived you period that is what it boils down to. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is NOT children's BUSINESS. THis is ADULT business & does NOT necessarily involve them. Sorry but I totally, %100 disagree w/ you on that.

Speaking as one who used to be a child that was informed of life altering information----I RESENT the fact that my parents told me that my dad was NOT my sperm donor. I resent the TRUTH!

THat information did NOTHING positive for my life. SO every child is different. IT only cleared my mom's guilty conscience. I won't even tell MY kids about it....not their business. Grandpa WILL be & IS their BIO grandpa & I am choosing that.

I find it offensive that you would compare the secrecy of A from W to the secrecy of OC to children. SO if there was NO OC----does that mean that you MUST tell the kids that daddy had A too?

I WISH my children had never known. If OC is NOT gonna be a part of a MM life----then why put the burden on your children of knowing. THat's ridiculous.

If you tell them when they are adults, ok fine, I can understand that. But as children....what is the point? LEt them be children & when they are adults they can face all the yucky adult stuff if they choose to. THen they can make rational & adult decisions regarding it.

WHy tell a child they have a sibling out there somewhere that they will never see? What possible good is there for that? NOTHING!

It's not sweeping it under the rug------it's keeping adult business private. I don't share our family finances w/ our kids----is that sweeping it under the rug?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
kt

I too think it is wrong for anybody to turn their back on a child, however you can't judge someone's choice by how you feel. I grew up without ever knowing who my father was. No true male role model in my life to fill that void. I don't know the story behind my conception. It could have been that the m was married at the time and could not tell his family about me. I just don't know. This is probably why I am supportive of my H raising oc. In no way can I say that it is an easy choice or that it is the best choice for everybody. There are two people who made bad choices not just the H alone. Yes the mm could have protected himself, however the ow also knew he was married and did not prevent it either. so whichever way the wind blows so be it.

Dealing with ow is not and easy thing to do, and I'm sure alot of them will make it harder just for the hell of it. SOCO she would have taken your husband and ran if she could have. Tearing your family apart, and then turn around and tell your kids that they are together because they love eachother, and that she never intended to hurt his kids. I have thought about this a million times over, so keep your sensitivity towards that situation to a minimum. Believe you me ow is not thinking about you or your family. If contact is good for you and your h that is great, but not everyone can handle what some of us can. Every situation is really different and unique. WE have suffered the same pain, but still we are very different in our situations.

SOC

YOur right H effed up so H is responsible! He shouldnt have done what he did if he did not want to pay the consequences.

Right now, we are working on us with NC, whose to say it will change later, but cant worry about that, i need to worry about me, and the fact that we are trying to get pergnant.

You are about the same age as me, your H is the same age as my H. Guess we ahve a few things in common. How many kids do you have? I have 2 step sons, 14,9 and my one son (5) now have OC, Girl who just turned 1.
How long have you been married may i ask? Your dday was in June, 04 so was mine. Monday, the DAY AFTER FATHERS DAY. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> NEVER WILL FORGET THAT DAY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Every relationship is different

I completely agree with this statement. In our particular situation my H never even knew that the OW was pregnant so being served paternity papers fifteen months after his last contact with her was a complete shock. He stated from the beginning that having a relationship with the OC was not something he was interested in. I find absolutely nothing wrong with this.

Telling your children about the OC is also a very personal decision. In our case I am confident that it would not be a wise decision. My children are older and I think that makes a huge difference. I'm barely able to deal with the knowledge of the OC myself and children follow by example. KWIM?

It's not sweeping it under the rug------it's keeping adult business private. I don't share our family finances w/ our kids----is that sweeping it under the rug?

I agree with this too. Kids are really on a need to know basis. Does knowing about a child that we will have no contact with enhance their lives? I think not. I believe that it will only add confusion not clarity. As I stated before children are NOT entitled to know nor do they have a right to know about their parent's sins or past behaviors.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Jenny-I think you have me confused with another poster. I talk to my kids about the OC but their young. If they were already teen-agers my answer may be different. To me there is difference between growing up knowing about OC (which will probably encourage C later in life) and growing up to learn the "BIG" secret that everyone knew but you.

I agree that not telling the kids about OC is lying to them and my kids know that the MOST important thing to me is honesty. But that is my decision and if other choose not to tell their kids about their OC, I assume they are making the best decision for their family.

Gwenie

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Gwenieinabottle ]</small>

My oldest daughter is 9 years old kind of understood without being told. My h is not her bio father so she spends the summers and some holidays with bio dad. So I'm sure that helped a little. She hasn't really asked many questions, but I do believe some day she may. I will answer her question when she ask because she will know that people make mistakes in life. My youngest who is 1yr at this point has no clue. Her bro(oc) is a few months older than her. He will be 2 in feb. She will ask one day because they are not twins....Lol However I don't want my children to think it is appropriate behavior.

Gwenie,

sorry I got you confused.

I guess I meant Cryin.

J
PS
KT, that's very interesting that you would rather not have known @biodad. I rarely hear that. Wonderful that you have your dad's love.

Our xow never knew her bio-dad, and that figures into her wanting OC to know DH. (Frankly, OC's step-dad is kind of a dud, as was xow's step-dads. Funny how the cycles repeat.)

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonely315:
<strong> SOC

YOur right H effed up so H is responsible! He shouldnt have done what he did if he did not want to pay the consequences.

Right now, we are working on us with NC, whose to say it will change later, but cant worry about that, i need to worry about me, and the fact that we are trying to get pergnant.

You are about the same age as me, your H is the same age as my H. Guess we ahve a few things in common. How many kids do you have? I have 2 step sons, 14,9 and my one son (5) now have OC, Girl who just turned 1.
How long have you been married may i ask? Your dday was in June, 04 so was mine. Monday, the DAY AFTER FATHERS DAY. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> NEVER WILL FORGET THAT DAY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Lonely, I have one daughter froma previous relationship she is 9, our beutiful son is 3 and the OC will be 2 next month. I did not mean to offend anyone and if I did I am truly sorry. My only point is that I think they should know when they get older so if the OC comes looking it won't catch them off guard.

you did not offedn me.

How long have you been married