WE have been married for 4 years.

SOCO

When in Feb.

I got Married on Valentines day in 2000.

Gwenie,

"I agree that not telling the kids about OC is lying to them and my kids know that the MOST important thing to me is honesty"

I would like to agree to disagree with the above statement but defend my position.

If I'm talking to my children about drugs and I don't disclose to them that I myself used a considerable amount of drugs during my teen years I'm not lying. I am simply not disclosing.

If I'm trying to convince my teens to continue practicing abstinence I'm not lying to them if I don't tell them that I sadly lost my virginity when I was fifteen.

By not telling our children about the OC I in no way see it as us lying to them. I see it as not discussing the most private parts of our adult lives.


Crynsomuch


***I would also like to add that in my adult years I discovered that my Dad had fathered a child before he married my Mother. The mother of that child was married at the time. I have never had any interest in contacting this person and it hasn't affected my life in any way, shape or form. Nor did it impact my relationship with my Dad. My point is that if my children find out about the OC as adults so be it, I'm not worried and will continue to sleep peacefully knowing that we've made the decision that we thought best for our family.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

CRY-
You got me there. Those are some good points. And I hate to admit but your right, I'm not going to tell my teen-agers one day that I smoked some pot in my early 20's and had a BLAST. My kids are young and I'm not faced with that for now, thankfully. I'm not saying that your wrong for not telling kids about OC either.

In fact your post has made me really wonder if I should bring the OC up again or not?? Whenever we've (kids and me) have talked briefly about OC, they're really not that curious about her. Maybe I should just drop it?? Got to think about it now.

I hate it when people have valid points that make me rethink my stance on something! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: Gwenieinabottle ]</small>

Lonely, We were married on the 24. Cryn and G amybe I am really just regreting my whole decision to allow this child into my home it is so hard right now and I get so depressed that I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe N/C would have been best. I don't know all I know is that looking at a twin of my son that did not come out of my body really kills me. Especially since the OW and I look nothing alike. I comend those women who can truly open their hearts to this situation as for me it is still to fresh and I don't know if it will ever stop being painful.

I think C or NC is an individual decision and if the H is paying CS he IS being responsible.
I however, think at some point (maybe between 10 and 14 if NC) children should know about OC. I've seen the Sins of the Father repeated so many times, ESPECIALLY when they aren't known. It also affects adult children in a way that they may feel like their whole life was a lie and they have to reevaluate everything they thought to be true, if they find out, and they usually do. Telling children allows them to incorporate this reality into their world, whether they have C or not, and allows them to see the mistakes and thus recoveries first-hand and easier for them to choose a different path. If any of you haven't read the thread (OC 27years old) I would take those stories into account. It gets OT, but the message in the beginning is clear I think. Honesty is always the best policy. If my H didn't get the OW pregnant, I'm sure the A would come up at some point in late teen/early adult years also. I think it's a good lesson to pass on.

But I am also in the frame of mind that my pre-marital sex life and drug use will come out at some point also. Not ALL the gory details, but enough that my children can here the lessons I've learned from that behavior.

I will agree to disagree w/ you.

I don't think honesty is the BEST policy ALL the time. I'm not talking about A & marriage---of course those things should be told & there should be RADICAL honesty within a marriage.

A H & W are EQUAL, children aer NOT, they are children not adult equals.

And there are also healthy boundaries. I don't think my kids NEED or have a right to know all about my past, no matter what it was.

I don't need a drug filled past to explain to the them the negative affects of drugs & why they are wrong. Nor do I have to tell them if I did have a drug filled past to get my point across.

I don't need to tell them about my philanderings w/ boys to teach my daughter not to fool around, nor do I need to tell her how I snuck out of the house or snuck boys IN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I can explain to her about purity & God's will for our lives & self-control WITH OUT putting my own failings on display.

Some things have been unavoidable, I understand that. Meeting OC, obviously required an explanation & long drawn out talks & discussions.

Children are just that----- children & they do not have adult rights to have all the information of my life which does NOT affect them & even some which indirectly may.

Like the example I gave earlier, I will NOT tell my kids that their grandpa is NOT related biologically. That is MY business & I will not burden them w/ it. Yes, I consider that knowledge a burden.

If they somehow found out later in life.....I am fully prepared to discuss it w/ them & give my logical reasons for keeping that info from them. I am NOT afraid of them 'finding out', I stand by my choices.

I can respect those that wish to live their lives by telling all & for the most part my life is an open book. AND I will not even say MY way is the BEST way & so I don't agree that YOUR way is the best way either. But my way is the BEST way for us & I don't feel guilty about it or even like I am lying becuase it I don't consider it my children's business.

I just want to make clear that there are very VALID reasons for NOT revealing information (& NOT feeling guilty about it) as there are for revealing it.

sincerely,
kt

Children are just that----- children & they do not have adult rights to have all the information of my life which does NOT affect them & even some which indirectly may.


KT, I agree that one has to do what is best for oneself. Sorry if I come off as all knowing sometimes, I guess I have some strong opinions. Just wanted to throw that out there in case someone "deciding" hadn't considered that point of view.

As per your above statement it is my opinion that children will be adults one day and that's where it gets difficult to sort it all out. And I think having a bio-sib IS pertinent to them.

I also will not air my dirty laundry to my children about the details of my youth, but I'm sure issues of drug use and sexaul activity will come up and I do have some experience in that area to share w/o all the details, but I believe by then they will be able to learn from someone who's been there, done that than just some arbitrary "don't do that". NOT saying you have to have been there done that to influence your children, but all parents share their reasoning for certain beliefs with their children and my reasoning is directly and indirectly related to my experience. So I will share that with them when it comes up.

I have afeeling that what I am about to say may upset some people. I am 27 years old I have a child that I gave up for adoption almost 13 years ago. There are many things that I think diferently about because of my childhood so here they go. I was 14 the fisrt time I got pregnant nobody ever told me what sex was and the dangers of it. It was the first time for me and my mother sent me to live in an all girls pregnant school (the youngest girl in the school was 11). We do not live in a society that will allow us to shelter our children anymore and the more we try the more we are hurting them. My daughter is 9 and will be 10 in April I talk to her b/c I do not want her to make the same mistakes I did and I think that me sharing my experiences with her shows her that I am human and not just another one of those because I said so parents that we all hated. My daughter is an gift child and I see the way she looks at me with respect and when she does I know that I have done the right thing. My H and I diagree b/c like I told him no I don't want her to do it but if she is going to I want her health to be her fist priority. I understand that we as parents want to protect our children but to me protection is knowledge.

Starting,

"I have a feeling that what I am about to say may upset some people. I am 27 years old I have a child that I gave up for adoption almost 13 years ago."

I don't think anyone would be upset with the decision made to give that child up for adoption. You were really nothing more than a child yourself. Our perspectives and the choices we make in our lives are of course affected by our past. You have been through much in your life. Stay strong.

Crynsomuch

I don't think anyone would be upset w/ you either. I can only imagine what a hard, brave & painful decision that was for you.

I agree that it could be valuable to share our experiences w/ our children I just don't think we MUST share everything.

Another example: (I am full of them) H & I were pg B4 we got married. I was always upfront w/ oldest about this...wanted him to learn from our POOR example of what NOT to do. Then of course there is OC, another perfect example of what NOT to do.

THe next 2 children....I don't feel as such a need to be as upfront. I think I will let them ask questions when they start doing the math (brother's b-day is.....& you got married when?.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ..LOL) THey also obviously know about OC & her pics are here so even though there is now NC, her existance is NOT hidden.

But if I have more children.....I don't expect to make a big deal out of it, IOW, I will not decide one day to sit down & 'have a talk' w/ them. It will all come about naturally, & when they begin to notice I will answer their questions.

That's all I'm saying.
I think sometimes we, as adults, make bigger adult deals out of things then need be. I want my kids to be able to be KIDS.

Yes, we need to protect them. I understand that.

Sad but true. We need to prepare them for the evil that is out there. I am aware of that. But that is just it, there is enough evil out there that I need to prepare them for, I don't necessarily need to bring more of it into their own homes.

I am fully confident that each & every one of you will raise your children to the best of your abilities & will do everything in your power to do what you think is best for your children. I can also appreciate that what you may think is best, may differ from what I think is best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can respect that.
I just love to give my reasons for my reasons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (debate/discuss opposing issues)

xoxoxoxoxoxo
kt

A point to ponder...

Many believe that our children should know about the details of our pasts in order to perhaps teach them a lesson. I knew quite a bit of the gory details of my parent's lives at a relatively young age. I personally used that knowledge as an excuse to later justify my own bad behaviors not as a deterrent. My thoughts were that if my parent's did it and they're ok I guess I'll be ok too.

This post is for those of you that have decided to stay and have open communication with your s. Has anyone asked their S what their plan is for how they will explain this to their other children? Or have the twq of you come up with something ? Our oldest daughter is almost ten and I am not sure how to approach this ????

We decided to work on our marriage first before thinking about visitation with OC. I was not about to welcome an OC into my home and family only to get a divorce. What good would that have done?

Once we received set visitation from the courts, we decided to tell the kids. We didnt want to risk telling the kids and have OW throw fits or pull stunts in front of them (which she did prior to the kids knowing).

Once we got set visitation we told the oldest first. Shes older and we knew she would understand more and perhaps be angry at it all. Which she was. Once she got comfy with it and we knew she was ready for OC, we waited until the week of having visits to tell the little ones. They were confused but excited. We DID not give gory details. We DID not tell them the WHOLE truth. We gave them enough information to process this new life. That is all.

Now if we had decided on NC, there would never be a discussion with my kids. There would be no need to tell them at this tender age. "Hey kids you have a sibling out there, but you will never see him/her, NON entity get used to it", that sounds soooooooooo wrong....Why hurt them with info like that? Perhaps when they are adults but not as children....