I am a big bunch of tears. Tonihgt my H told me that he might bring OC over for a few hours tomorrow. After my heart breaking in two, I told him it was fine and thought it would be good for me. He then asked how many 0-3 month clothing we have because OC told him he didn't have any. I automatically became up in arms....was that wrong? He told me that everytime he brings up OC, I become negative and turn it all about OW. He says I don't see the big picture but how can I when mention about OC brings me to thoughts of OW? Was this for all the newbie "stepmoms" of ocs? So I told him that it wasn't like that and he told me that he thinks I'm a liar and I just tell him all nice things about me loving him and blah blah blah....yet he can go from saying we would never be apart to the next time saying he will leave ( I asked him if he thought we were going to make it). I didn't cry infront of him but I just feel 100% empty and broken.....any advice (only those who aren't going to attack)

sorry, I am pretty upset so I hope my post makes sense

Hurt:
Your WH needs to understand that you're going to have a whole array of feelings. Some days good, some days bad, some days both. Yes, I would be upset if he came home asking what clothes we had because she had none. How ridiculous. She chose to carry out this pregnancy, keep the baby and yet didn't plan on providing for OC. Keep a log of everything. IMO - that's neglect of her parental responsibility and if she's pulled BS like that now, it'll continue and more than likely get worse. Can't remember your whole story, but hope you're going through the legal system and getting paternity established etc. etc.

Remember to take care of Number 1 - that's you!

Hurt, sorry about the stress you are going through right now. But I can't understand how OW doesn't have any clothes for her child? Sounds like a ploy to draw your H in even more.

((((Hurt)))))

Listen sweetness... I think that when you have you and your husbands little baby... you are going to much less hurt and insecure w/OC situaion... I mean-- if your H loves OC and is doing a nobile thing by trying to be a part of OC's life.. just IMAGINE how much your baby will be loved and cherished by you H! You will feel more secure and ok.... I betcha sweetie! It will be so special that you will have no doubt where his heart is!

If you give OW no problem about having "more" to share-- and are not affected by her stupidity..you will learn to take pride in being the classy WIFE! The one who is secure w/her M and H and family... she has no power over you Hurt!!! Believe that and KNOW that...

You need time and you deserve time- give yourself a break! You are pregnant and that is emotioal enough! Dont let a truly stupid thing like this OW not having maternity clotbes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> :get you and baby and hubby stressed! NOT WORTH It- You dont even need the threads anyomre, right ! LOL! Show H what a secure and confident DIVA you know you are.
(( sweetie ))) its gona be ok! It is going to get so much easier!

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Was you H asking you to give OC/OW clothing you have been accumulating for you own son (soon to come)? If that is true, I would have been up in arms as well! Your first child is sooo special (they all are) and it is YOUR privilege and pleasure to shop for special outfits for him. For your H to ask for them is totally unthinking and hurtful.

I was so upset reading about this. I remember how I lovingly shopped for adorable clothes for my first son and picked out each one specially for him.

Try to get your H to understand your feelings about this. When you are calm enough, see if he is willing to be humble, open and really take in and try to understand what you are feeling. That type of behavior from my H has made a tremendous difference for me.

Hugs!!!!

I do agree with LaBelle, also, Hurt.

what I am trying to do is forever be an optomist- to seek the lighter side..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A girl I work with gave me all her little boys clothes he used when he was just born. There are probably 30 outfits. Not many of them would be something I would use but I knew that when the OC came over, we would use those because they are "lay" around the house clothes. My H isn't ready to take OC and I out in public together so he doesn't have to deal with the ?'s like, why is your wife 5 months pregnant and you have a newborn?
As for the clothes I bought my soon to be here son, I WILL NOT GIVE THOSE UP. Some may thing, well that is silly but if you look at from how much time and love I've put into picking out everything from the shirt to the socks and shoes then you would understand. Don't get me wrong, but when they are this little, they just get EVERYTHING dirty within five minutes of having it on. So what we have for him right now I think is plenty. Now my outlook on my H asking me how much we have for 0-3 months because OW told him that she only has 6-12, and some 3-6 months makes me really angry. Not because I'm not willing to give the OC clothes for over there but it makes me think, um.....didn't you PLAN for your child? Money or no money, you chose to have this little one, so you should have been prepared. It isn't OUR responsibility to cloth him when he is over THERE but it is our 100% responsibility to cloth him when he is HERE!
Giovanna, she wasn't asking for maternity clothes, even if she did, she wouldn't get them from me. Ha, um...sorry you make the bed you lie in so sleep in it. Once again, we are not buddy buddy so she isn't getting anything from me. Now the OC will be showered with love and everything he needs when over here! But does anyone think its wierd to send clothes over to OW because she has none, when we are going to be having him here, therefore he will use the clothes I GOT?
I am trying to look on the brighter things, I really am. But man, there are times that the negative person comes out in full force. As for my H, he just thinks that because I chose to stay with him, I chose to deal with this situation and I need to deal deal deal. Yes, I chose to stay with him but I don't see WHY he gets SOOOO defensive when I start getting upset or have opinions in the situation. He can tell me all his opinions and not "make" me get angry or whatever, but the moment he sees my opinion doesn't match with his, he gets pissed. I'm pretty tired of it. I asked him last night if I was making him so unhappy (we have had a rough week) then why is he here? Well, my H hates ?'s like that and said, ok, fine, you want this back (his wedding ring). He knows of EVERYTHING to make me break down and cry is to take that off. My biggest fear! But part of me thinks, you know what, I don't have to take these games. I try to think about leaving and making a life for myself and then there comes Cayden. Then I think that there is NO WAY POSSIBLE that if I left, I would be able to raise him on my own. It hurts to admit that, but its true. After all I've seen and heard through his heartbeat and ultrasound and yes, the excitement my H shows makes me hurt inside to think that, but if he ends up leaving or I do, I think the only way to go would be adoption. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I think the hardest thing for me at this point in time is hearing him saying, "my son." Yes, I know its his son, but that just hurts when I hear that. It might sound silly or unimportant, but it really hits home to hear that.

Hurt, I'm in a similar situation to you. I am also pregnant. Why do you think you can not raise Cayden on your own? Not that I'm suggesting that, just somehow it seems to give me some clarity if I realize I can and will be OK either way this situation goes. I do think it is natural for H to get defensive in some ways, as long as he is still showing you he's working on the marriage in other ways. I know my H will get defensive at times (but he also backs down a lot quicker than he use to.) I think at times H can take me being upset w/ the situation, as I'm not going to accept OC. In the begining that seemed to be a concern of his. I think he knew that I was not that type of person, but he also knew the situation was extremely hurtful to me. He also has a tough time seeing the pain that I would go through initially when I would see XOW etc... My H was not raised in a supportive environment. I'm not saying that they don't love each other, I love his parents, but they are just not supportive. They tell him that he was stupid for doing all of this, etc... At times he has a hard time expressing certain emotions. Sometimes when I say something he may react defensively, later he might tell me he did not mean what he said. He may say something in anger. I think we've all done that. I know I have. The situtation is that much harder to deal with considering you're trying to be sure everything is ready for your son, and you're probably dealing with pregnancy hormones, etc...I wish H was being more sensitive to your needs right now, because I'm sure that would help. Is OC still coming over today? Is this the first time you've seen OC? (I can't remember.)

Dear Wife,

A part of me understands that he gets defensive because he is tired of seeing me hurting and he KNOWS he created it and for him, he doesn't know how to handle it. My H too was raised in a family that probably didn't have the word sensitive in their vocab so it shows when we are arguing or whatever.
The OC is coming over today at 3. She is dropping him off here and they are meeting downstairs....part me wants to run out there and tackle her in the snow and smash a huge ball of snow in her face (mature huh?) But trying to get ready for my son, its difficult to deal with a newborn knowing that in less then 5 months, I will have my own newborn to raise. This will be the first time I have seen OC so I'm not sure how I will handle it. Part of me is excited because I work with babies and love ALL babies but part of me has a hard time seperating the OC from the OW.
I don't ask much of my H and I don't do things to get things in return but lately it would be nice to get some recognition from him. Plus he hates when I use the excuse, I'm tired because I'm pregnant. He thinks that is a bunch of crap but I wish one day when I walked in he would say, honey, you just worked 10 hours with 7 infants and you look beat. Let me make dinner and all that. I would be happier then a pig in SH**! *sigh*
I'm just dealing with a ton of emotions before three today....I hope it goes well.

Megan

I had a lot of emotions the first time I saw OC. I was nervous how I would react to OC. Now, although it is a painful reminder at times, I think I can seperate them for the most part. I think once you hold OC, you may feel more comfortable, ecspecially since you say you like all babies. For me it helped, but I had to be sure the first time I held OC was just me and H. XOW was not aroung. OC is the innocent child in all of this. I can't say it's been easy dealing w/ XOW, but I try for OC's sake. I wish she would try a little harder. H was not ready for children, and he's wonderful w/ OC although he's still learning. That's been hard, but good for me to see becaue I want him to be a good father. I'm sure you'll handle yourself fine today. It's normal to have these emotions, it's just a matter of you being the bigger person in all of this. Although I know it's hard because you feel like you're the one that's always giving. Hang in there, and good luck today. Let us know how it goes.

Are you guys in MC? Because THAT would help a LOT in getting H to understand your needs & that you are acting VERY appropriately & just right physically for being pg.

I would be so MAD if MY H ever discounted how I physically felt while pg! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> IT's a MEDICAL fact that you became EXTREMELY exhausted, & that's only ONE part of being pg! eeeeeeerrrrgggggh!

YOu sound VERY underappreciated. BUt I appreciate you. I appreciate you being strong & brave enough to fight for your marraige. I appreciate you continuing to come here & pour your honest heart out. It's NOT easy. YOu are doing a GREAT job & you will be ok.

Now about that not being able to make it on your own crap! Take a deep breath & focus on what I am gonna say. I am ALL about marraige but don't you think for one minute that you could not raise that baby on your own. FOCUS-you are gonna keep your marraige together. THe first step is to get a nuetral 3rd party involved----marraige counseling.

Your H is only seeing HIS side of this. You are seeing/feeling/experiencing your side. I don't care how tight things are right now $$$$ speaking----saving your marraige should be your priority. I have heard that the HARLEYS are totally worth the $$$$$$$. Suck it up & sell, beg, or borrow whatever you have to to get some pro-marraige counsel.

YOu also need to be honest w/ yourself & your H. IF you don't want C w/ OC-----then SAY it. Have a discussion & come to an agreement. He can't force you & you can't force him.

These are acceptable options. This IS an extremely reasonable reaction you are having.

But if you continue w/ C & you don't really want it or you guys can't discuss it then your marraige is doomed anyway because you will only grow to resent it & OC.

Has DNA been established? NO visits should be occurring UNLESS paternity is established throught the COURTS & a visitation & CS as well.

TRUST me, it will not go smooth & you will only exasperate yourselves w/o these protections.

OC was older when we met her but I was 8 mos pg-----better beleive I weas extremely stressed out. I think I barely gained 10 lbs during my entire pg. Then afterwards-ugh! I lsot 20 more lbs BELOW my pre-pregnancy weight----that is NOT healthy.

You NEED to be in a healthy environment. I cna't stress the importance of that to you. YOur baby needs you to do that for him.

WE are NOT counselors but we can give some good advice but it is only one sided.

Hunnybunny-------you guys need professional intervention. You are oging through a lot of unnecessary stres by not being able to communicate effectively w/ each other---taht is where a good counselor would come in handy.

WE've been there---we remember. I know I do...H & I woudl have recovered so much sooner if we had had help.


goota run...take care of yourself

xoxoxoxoxoxox
kt

kt,

I was in counseling and my h wouldn't go. He doesn't believe they work so I can't force him to go. As for getting counseling, its 100% covered by the military so that isn't the problem. As for my marriage working, I am trying VERY hard to keep it together. Last night he told me that if I didn't want the OC coming over, he would ask me to go and hang out with friends or take him somewhere else so he could spend time with him. My H is completely blinded by HIS situation ONLY. He isn't being supportive right now with my situation not to mention the fact that I AM PREGNANT. I'm not looking for pity or whatever when I post on here, I am looking for support and advice!
In my pregnancy, I have gain only 2 pounds and I am 22 weeks. The doctors say they aren't worried because Cayden looks fine and is doing wonderfully. I eat all the time but I think stress is keeping me from gaining anything.
Like I've said before, I am proud of the fact that my H is taking responsibility for what he created but I just am having a hard time accepting it. I know that he is innocent in all of this but why can't I seem to see that 100%? I'm sure it gets easier?? I know the moment I see the OC, I will fall in love because who doesn't ADORE babies? But its trying to keep from STARING OUT THE WINDOW during drop-off and PICK UP to wish every terrible thing come down on OW's head? Honestly, I will admit because I've only seen her twice, I probably couldn't pick her out of a crowd!
I ran to walmart before my H gets home and spent about 50$ on the OC with onesies and sleepers. Its up to him if he wants to send them home with him or split them up between here and her house. Plus, I went through all the 0-3m clothes I got from a friend and will be sending some home with OC.
I know Cayden knows I'm stressed as hell because he has NOT stopped kicking for about 2 hours. Poor baby. Trying to relieve stress. Lite all my candles, cleaned the house from top to bottom and so on to create a more relaxing environment!
*crossing fingers* I keep from crying and not breaking down today....thank you Wife and KT for your posts.

Megan

That was very sweet of you to go out and buy stuff for OC. I hope H appreciates it. We went to MC for about 5 months. I did find it very helpful. That was one of my conditions to stay. Eventually H didn't want to go anymore, but I did think it was helpful. I also went to IC. I think that was very helpful also. I haven't been lately, but have been considering returning. I just haven't called to make an appt. You do get very tired during pregnancy. I'm not sure that all guys understand it. I don't think H completely understood, but he didn't ask me to do anything when I was laying around either. (That doesn't necessarily mean he picked up my slack either.) He doesn't seem to notice a messy house. I just waited til I got my energy back, and then worried about it. For now, my energy level has improved. The stress on top of the pregnancy can also make you tired. I know when I was in the deepest part of my depression, I didn't feel like I had the strength to get up and do anything. I agree w/ KT, I think you could take care of this baby w/ or w/o H. I know that I want very much for my marriage to work out, but if it didn't this baby will have everything it needs. I will be a wonderful mother and I'm sure you will to!

I'm a little jealous you know it's a boy. I'm still too early, but I can't wait to start buying things. Do you already have the crib, etc...? We have one we got from my sister, but it's not in the best shape. H needs to see if he can fix it or not.

Hurt, I think it was very considerate of you to go out and buy some clothing for the OC. I am still shocked that the OW claims that she didn't have proper clothing for this child but she had some that would be too big at this time. But regardless, I would probably send a few items with the child but keep a majority of the items with you just in case. And be sure to keep the receipts to use in future court cases if needed.

Wife,

Yeah it took FOREVER to wait for that first appt when I knew we would know what we are having. It was PAINFUL counting down the days and then they RE-SCHEDULED ME!!!! I was devastated. Well the OW just pulled up and I'm going to be sick. He is giving her the clothes and she looks like she could care less. *GRRRRR*
Do you have your ultrasound date set yet? We have a ton of stuff that we have bought over the last few months. I just can't help it. I work at a preschool so a lot of parents in my room (infants) have given me TONS of diapers they can't use anymore and hand me downs.

Write more later...it says it posted at 3:52 but we had the OC from 3 till 5.....wierd that it would say that..

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: Hurt5-04 ]</small>

Well the little one just left and I knew the moment I saw him, I would melt. I had bought him stuff at walmart for him to take home and the OW called us to say she was there to pick him up and wanted to TALK TO ME TO THANK ME FOR THE CLOTHES! Sorry, I'm not ready to take that step....but he was precious. He is a spitting image of my H. So now that I'm over that initial fear, I want him to come back!

I'm so glad your visit went well. Sometimes we stress our selves out more with worry. So, you didn't see XOW at all? What did H say when she asked to talk to you. At least that seems to have been nice that she wanted to thank you. We sent a ton of gifts for OC at Christmas, and XOW didn't say thank you or anything. Oh well, it was for OC not her, you just think she'd be appreciative.

We've had 2 ultrasounds already, but it's too early to tell what it is. I go back to the doctor on February 9th, but I don't think they'll be able to tell us for another month or two.

I want to start buying things, I've been given a few things,but I was trying to wait for H to look at the crib, etc... to see what we really need to buy. We also don't know what theme we're going to use for the nursery. Do you have one?

well when is your due date? how many weeks are you? Are you hoping for a boy or girl? Or does it matter? Its wonderful when you find out but it gets DANGEROUS because everytime I walk into Old Navy or Babies R Us, I just want to max out ALL MY CREDIT CARDS!!!!!!! I'm sure you are excited. Do you have names yet?
I guess you are right that she wanted to thank me, but I'm not ready to speak with her. I did see her outside when they were exchanging the baby. But I didn't want to talk with her. Maybe that will come with time.

I'm 13 weeks. H is really hoping for a boy, but I don't really care what it is. As long as it's healthy. ;)I've usually don't talk to XOW, I really don't care to, but I do usually stand by H- our exchanges are usually in a public place. I have tried to talk to her on occasion,but she's so rude I've pretty much given up!