Hope you all had a good weekend. I need help in handling triggers. I had two episodes over the weekend, the first being in the grocery store when one of H and XOW's "love" songs came over the intercom speakers. (I know it was one of "their" songs because H had made 3 CD's of songs some time ago and labeled them with his and OW's stupid signal for "I love you" and of course I found them and have physically destroyed one and if I get my hands on the other two they will be history too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I had to suffer through the whole f'ing song while trying to concentrate on ingredients for dinner! That happened Friday. Then, Saturday night H and I rented a movie to watch and the previews for Ladder 49 came on prior to the movie and that sent me into a tailspin because H took OW to the movies to see that movie. (H is a firefighter and had mentioned going to the movies to see it with his firefighter buddies and I thought that was a great idea so I didn't mention going w/him but he ended up taking OW instead...arghh!)

I hated becoming emotional from these triggers because my mood definitely went from good to bad in a matter of seconds. How can I handle them?

I have found that it helps me to talk to my H about them. Your dday is still pretty recent, and I'm not sure how your H is handling the situation (I'll have to go through your previous posts).

It's been over five years since my dday (gosh, has it been that long?!), and I still have to deal with triggers. Like you, my H also made OW a CD with some of "their" songs, some of which I had previously though were "our" songs. What are these men thinking? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I always tell my H what trigger I'm dealing with and how I'm feeling about it. Generally, my H asks what he can do to make me feel better. Under normal circumstances, all I need is a little extra love and cuddling and he's more than happy to oblige me.

The key is to be able to get your emotional needs met by your H when possible. The only way to repair the hurt and insecurity is to kill it with love. Your H is going to have to step up to the plate here, but it also requires a certain amount of candor on your part. It's hard sometimes to be honest with your spouse, especially if he has a tendency to become defensive (like my H used to). But, this is what has worked for us, and it's worked well.

Good luck, keep your chin up!

Hugs,
T

AVNL, H doesn't know what he can do to help me get through them. Guess I need to tell him what I need (communication has been a big factor in the demise of our M and we realize we need to work on that). I told him about both incidents shortly after each happened but all he could do was say "I don't know what to say and I don't know what to do".

And like you, I thought some of the songs were "our" songs as well. Men are just pigs!!!! Sorry to the great men out there who may be reading this, you are exempt from that statement!

Great ? Michelle. I would like to know how to get through them too! They tend to CONSUME you for anywhere from a minute to a pretty long time and I get tired of dealing with them. I feel like despite all the work I'm putting into fixing things, these "triggers" just send me back a few feet.

Are you having a difficult time figuring out what it is you need to feel better?

I went through a period during the two years directly proceeding dday where I didn't want my H to touch me, or cuddle me, or show me any kind of "love". He would try and I would just get angry because I thought he loved me before and he treated me so badly that any sort of loving gesture he made toward me I saw as a "lie". This lasted awhile, but slowly dissipated as we began communicating better.

Are you and your H attending MC or IC? Perhaps that would help the communication process a little.

Those times where my H was either unavailable or his attention was unwanted, I would try to make myself feel better by pampering my soul a little. A hot bubble bath, a glass of wine, a massage, a facial, manicure, shopping trip, movie with a good friend, or anything else that I would normally see as a luxury or decadent allowance for myself.

Before my H affair, I felt I didn't deserve(?) those things for myself. I saw myself as a mother first, a wife second, and a woman third. I've learned that my priorities were askew. It's important for me to remember that I am a woman first, and I cannot possibly be the best mother or wife I can if I do not take care of my soul and body in a way that calms me. Remember to take time for yourself. This is going to be a long road to recovery, and what needs your H is not able to meet, must still be met, even if you need to be the one to meet them.

I wish you all the best. Hope this helps.

Hugs,
T

Thank you, AVNL. You're absolutely right. I do need to take care of myself first. I will put that on my top priority list!

H and I are not currently in any counseling. Can't afford it right now (not an excuse I know but it's reality unfortunately). We did both couple and Individual right after d-day and H went to a psychiatrist for a while (our marriage counselor thought H was a sex addict and bipolar but psych didn't think so) but it's been quite a while for either of us to have any counseling.

Hi Michele,

I don't post here much anymore, but I saw your question and wanted to chime in.

I also dealt with the movie issue. My H took OW to see "Signs". I had asked him the week before to take me, but he was too busy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So when I found out, I was crushed.

Every time that preview would come on the tv, I would start shaking and crying. Eventually, I rented the movie. Sat in my room, watched it, crying the entire time. I think I watched it a total of about 6 times before I took it back, to desensitise myself to it. My H sat with me through the second time, and held me while I cried. He was also there through the 3rd, 4th and 5th times. I watched it alone that last time, and didn't cry, finally.

I couldn't tell you anything about that stupid movie now though lol. I blocked it out I think lol.

But I don't trigger anymore when I see it, or hear about it.


You could also reclaim it. Put the movie in (or the song into the cd player on repeat) and make love to your H for the entire time it's on. Rock his world <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guarantee, YOU will be the ONLY one on his mind next time he hears the song or sees the movie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Nutcase:
That's a very interesting way to handle it! I never thought to desensitize myself, but I can see where that might work very well.

What do you think, Michele? Might this work for you, too?

Well there's only 1 movie but about 30 songs so I guess I can wear the poor guy out in bed with those!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the advice. I will try all and will let you know how they work!

Michele--

Unfortunately these triggers are unavoidable--- they are part of the process in this painful journey! THEY WILL SUBSIDE for the most part- you need time, but the KEY is KNOWING they will happen at a seconds notice-- and MAPPING OUT how you plan on dealing with them BEFORE one happens.

Make a plan of action in your head.... and as AVictim said-- you NEED to get your H on board before one of these triggers infests itself into your day, or continues to the next, etc... you have to find a way to cut them off by identifying them- steering CLEAR of them if possible. If you hear a song on the radio that hurts- turn off immediatly and TELL YOURSELF you will NOT wallow in self-pity.. you will NOT allow this to ruin you day-- you will NOT allow yourself to unfairly torture your H every time by giving him the silent treatment, nasty words, lovebuststs, etc. Tell yourself OUT LOUD if you have to! Look dead at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself YOU WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO SPOIL YOUR MOOD- YOU WILL NOT ALLOW THIS A/OW TO SPOIL YOUR JOY!!! GIVE THE PAST NO POWER over you- as much as humanly possible because as we know we cannot control ALL of it.

I know that it is very easy to turn this anger towards our H-- and they deserve the anger-- but I think the toughest hurdle for me personally to overcome was freshly TORTURING H for my triggers, even when he was way past hurtful behaviour and doing everything he could for me... I had to realize that this was BOTH of our issue to WORK out- not for me to turn to him and start berating him and hating him all over again for these incidental triggers.... I was further harming our progress and reconcilation by making my H feel there was nothing he could ever do right - that all the good was WASHED away from my triggers and he was starting from ground ZERO. It was not very encouraging for H-- and believe it or not- your H deserves at some point to be given some consideration for the steps he HAS made-- they deserve us to STOP much of our hurtful actions back towards them. It was a VITAL turning point when I realized I was at fault, also, in the regard of acting out any time I triggered..

SO.. what I found (lightbulb moment in our M)... is that I could turn to H and ALLOW him to guide me through- I started TELLING him and still do IMMEDIATELY when there is a trigger. I tell him in a sad, not mad way-- and I allow him to hold me-- and low and behold HE DOES! Sometimes he has some kind words that help- and sometimes his words irritate me or mean nothing-- YET I still allow him and myself to mold together and hug or talk it thru and I am over it SO much quicker!!! And IF AND WHEN I do act out a bit-- I do tell him "I'm sorry I hurt you by acting or saying what I did, you are doing so good - being so sweet and helpful- please don't stop that- it IS working, but the triggers are so hard to avoid and they HURT".. ... conversations like this, Michele, are SO productive, and I find myself being more endeared to H AFTER the trigger that he helped me thru !!! Its amazing.

My mistakes in this regard very negatively affected our reconcilation early on -- believe me, this is not easy, but they are manageable if you ALLOW them to be managed and nipped quickly.

And, NC3- oola la LOVE that idea of replacing H's possible thoughts of the past -- to the thoughts of Michele "setting the record straight" w/her H in a most intimate way!!

((( Michele )))

I didn't get a chance to read LAL the responses except the reclaiming idea (good one by the way!)

I had a semi-triggering weekend as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ughhh!!!

But anyhoo------across from the courthouse that we had to frequent for CS & visitation hearings there is a mall-type shopping center. Whenever we ahd to go to court we would park in that parking lot. ugh! I would get sick every time we had to drive out there & I surely NEVER wanted to go to that shopping center. After a few hearings, things started to go our way so we would go to the shopping center to 'celebrate', get a bagle or something.

IT really works. IT became OUR place, of 'victory. kwim? SO it does help to create NEW memories to repalce the old triggering ones.

ALso......I can't remember what I was gonna say....oh, I also try to focus my mind on other things. It also helps ALOT when my H starts to talk to me about anything, whatever....but hearing HIS voice INSTEAD of my own thoughts, really helps. IT brings my concentration AWAY from the trigger that can draw me into it's deep hole. kwim?

THis works for me, it may be too soon for you but.....everyone has differnet coping methods.

The best 'cure' is time--I promise.

xoxoxoxoxoxxo
kt