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#840165 01/31/05 03:05 PM
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Hi! It always seems so strange to me to "welcome" someone new, because it sounds so cheery or something, and I know you're not feeling too cheery right now. I welcome you all the same. You will find a lot of caring people here who genuinely care about seeing M's restored. All marriages, no matter the label of the person posting for guidance.

I'm sorry that you felt afraid to post here on P/C. I'm glad you're not afraid anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't know if you're apprehensive about this particular forum because most of the posters are the BW--but don't be! You're dealing with a possible OC from your infidelity, and you're wanting to recover your M. You have a place here. Talk whenever you want!

Kindest regards,
ad, (fww w/ probable oc who currently has a face full of peanut butter--life does get better, and it will for you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>

#840166 01/31/05 03:50 PM
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{{{Autumn Day}}}

Thank You very much for your welcome. I have posted on GQII, Divorcing and Recovery. It has helped alot. Someone from another site sent me here for more support, and that for sure is what I got.

Yes you right I was afraid to post in p/c becuase it is a majority of BS's. I was afraid someone would be upset with me, which by all means would have been all right because this is where they come to vent. I just don't know if emotionally I could have handled it even though it was a stranger.

I have had so much baggage for so long that I finally unloaded as much as I could. There is still so much more I have to go. Just last week Tuesday I finally had the courage to tell the xMOM that my H knows about what happened between us and that if this child is his he will be responsible. He wasn't happy needless to say. I've stopped trying to convince myself that this will just go away and that my "happy" family will just come back. I just hate the xMOM so much. It's like he takes no responsibility for this at all!

My H is a wonderful man. He is having alot of trouble with this, he wants to completely let go and just be friends. He wants to be able to protect our DD as much as possible and this is his way of doing it.

My H keeps asking me why I did what I did, why I swayed and could screw up so bad. How could I have alienated him and our family and friends? How could I allwo such shame to come to us? I litterally can't answer him. I don't know how I could have ever been that selfish and not thought about the consequences for EVRYONE. Yet alone the future of this child...What was I thinking.

I just think he wants to move forward from this. I however am hopeful we can somehow do that togther without divorcing. He is just so head strong and I don't know how I can change that. I show him all the love and honesty and devotion I can. He said he would consider going to one of my therapy sessions to help me. He said he also admires me for wanting to raise this child on my own if there is no one, I admire him for that. I just hope that he will want to be a father to him/her maybe not bio but give this child what no one else can give them.

I feel so strong now for some of the accountablity and responsibility I have already undertaken since December and somethings even before then. But on the other hand I also feel so helpless at times, and hopeless too.

I just feel like I am coping everyday just to get through to the next.

Thank You for lending a shoulder/ear. I felt like I was post jumping for a second on the other thread. I don't want anybody else's problems become less important then mine.

SG

#840167 01/31/05 04:10 PM
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I never thought if I was pregnant it force the other man to be a father to my child. How can someone be as sick and twisted. I know how you feel about your H's sperm. I would feel the same way. She stole more though, she stole something sacred between the two of you, your trust, your belief that your husband was true to only you, your faith in him that he be faithful to you and so much more. I know you know that but when I write it it makes me understand just what I myself did. Its a long road for all of us I guess.


Well that was almost 2 years ago- I wonder if anything in her has changed. She actually had the nerve to write me an email before the child was born to tell me to leave my ex alone because she was due with his baby in a few weeks and needed him. We had met to talk the night before and she had called MY cell phone and asked to talk to him- i said UM NO and then emailed her and told her never to do that again. Which is when I got that email back. It was insane. That's why I just wish I knew if time had cured her of her stupidity or lack of sensitivity -
I dont' know why I care- I just do.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time though, how long has your husband known about the affair? it may just take him some more time to get through it all.

#840168 01/31/05 08:44 PM
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He has known about it since October of 2003, well atleast that is as much as I honestly know. After the OM said we should end it and do the right thing I wore my heart on my sleeve and my H could see it. That is when he confronted me, ofcourse I somewhat confessed, but not fully.

The thing is is that the OM couldn't stay away so my heart was torn. I loved the relationship not the man, I loved the fantasy of how special he made me feel. My husband is very unemotional and unaffectionate, the OM fulfilled that.

I regret every moment I ever wasted on him!

My H confronted me again right when I was pg and said if you tell him I know we can move forward if it is truly ended with him. My H was still dealing with the whole thing and was still very hostile which I interpreted that he really didn't love me and want to stay. I was protecting what I had with the OM, I wasn't ready to end it.

I since have but it was to late, I lost my H well kinda, he asked for a D but we are still very much cohabitating with the exception of sleeping together or in the same room. But I'm ok with that mixed signals and he gets space away from me.

I love him so much and just hope that he sees all the changes in me and we are able to both move forward in a postive direction.

I read Autumn Day's other post and she took all the words out of my mouth. I hope that I am able to have the same result, with ALOT of work and save my marriage. I'm not sure if that can happen I seem so hopeless that I have lost him for good.

If you read other posts A's are an addiction just like anything else. It is the only thing in the world to you at the time. It takes hitting rock bottom for some to end, mostly all of them do eventually and those that continue and marry are only kidding themselves.

SG

#840169 02/01/05 12:39 AM
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Saving Grace,

Do you mind if I call you Grace. I particularly like that name and that word. Handling things with "grace" is a strong compliment. Grace, I believe you are indeed doing that.

Your H may yet come around. When a W is pregnant it is often traumatic time for the H. Given the uncertainty in the fathering of this child, I am sure it is eating him alive.

I think if you continue to show remorse and a dedication to showing him you love him, he might start to come around after the child is born. Men can be just a big a sucker for a baby as a woman, but they need to see them, touch them, and be around them for that to happen.

I don't think that even in divorce this is completely over, although if the child is OM's then it would not help things.

Grace, I hope you keep posting her or on some other part of MB. I think it will help you and there are people that hope your marriage makes it, and that you end up happy.

God Bless,

JL

#840170 02/01/05 08:02 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Saving Grace,

Do you mind if I call you Grace. I particularly like that name and that word. Handling things with "grace" is a strong compliment. Grace, I believe you are indeed doing that.

Yes you may, I really like it too! I think if this is a girl I will name her Skylar Grace, becuase by the grace of God somehow I have managed to survive all of this turmoil I have caused with out killing myself.

Your H may yet come around. When a W is pregnant it is often traumatic time for the H. Given the uncertainty in the fathering of this child, I am sure it is eating him alive.

I think your right, this is what is causing alot of additional strain too....Not that it would really be any easier to go through it though...

I think if you continue to show remorse and a dedication to showing him you love him, he might start to come around after the child is born. Men can be just a big a sucker for a baby as a woman, but they need to see them, touch them, and be around them for that to happen.

I hope that is the case, he is such a wonderful father and would really give this child the one thing the OM will never be able to .

I don't think that even in divorce this is completely over, although if the child is OM's then it would not help things.

I hope evryday that this child belongs to my H and not the OM. What devastation I have caused!

Grace, I hope you keep posting her or on some other part of MB. I think it will help you and there are people that hope your marriage makes it, and that you end up happy.

I will continue to post, it has helped me get through alot of this hurt and pain I caused my self as well.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Today was a little hard for me. I tried to not call my H and be so needy. I normally call after 9 am and then again around 2 I guess, just to talk for 2 seconds. I didn't do that today, I actually could only hold out until 5:30. We talked a little while.

I got an email response from one of my girlfriends and it was so truthful I couldn't help but cry and be more sad and depressed. This is what she wrote: The subject said Friend(noun) one attached to another by affection or esteem


I don't even know where to start. Shawn didn't want for me to respond to your message, and I thought, you know, no one ever responds to you. I think we all have done you a huge disservice in that. For ten years, the only response to your poor attitude is just to say "Oh, it's okay, that's just way she is" It's not okay, fighting in other people's homes is not okay, disrespecting yourself and those you care about is not okay. I feel like you have been in the director's chair, you have been deciding what happens with your friendships with people. Our friendship has nothing to do with your marriage. I tried to be your friend, I have always tried to be your friend, but, it's always on your terms. I can count on one hand the number of times I have received a phone call from you in the last two years. That is not friendship. That was your choice. You are responsible for your own actions and the repercussions of them. All the grief that you are experiencing is grief of your own making. I am sorry for the loss of our friendship, but I'm through grieving it now. I've moved passed the disappointment, the sorrow. I lost a good friend a couple years back, I don't think that person is you anymore. I'm not sure who you are, but you are not the friend that I loved. Over the last years I have needed my old friend, but I never knew where to look, so I stopped looking.
My hope for you is this... #1 Find who you really are, I think you have always been who everyone else has wanted you to be. #2 Be the absolute best parent you can be to your children, anything less is criminal. #3 Love yourself, I don't think you ever have. #4 Learn from your mistakes, we all make them, we should all learn from them. #5 Be confident in yourself, don't hide behind aggression.
As for making amends with us, it's unnecessary, you have not caused us hurt or pain, just make amends with yourself, I think that you are the primary person you have hurt.
As far as the future goes, you know that I am not a person who holds a grudge, but for now take care of yourself and your kid-os. Good Luck in your journey. Thoughtfully, Gretchen


Needless to say I don't know how to feel today. I don't know where to begin to find myself. I don't remember who she is anymore. Can I ever find her? My therapist says we will start to deal with that after the baby comes, right now she says all we can do is get through each day/week until then. We talk some about the past but mostly about the marriage right now. She is trying to help me understand focus and my interpretations of what I think is going on.

I don't know how to move forward....
SG

#840171 02/01/05 08:03 PM
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Oops I did a really bad job at using BOLD sorry JL, please read through the whold BOLD cuz i responded to you in the quote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#840172 02/01/05 08:43 PM
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Well, Grace,

Why don't you name her after yourself? Grace.

It is an old name and not used much anymore which is a shame.

What did you think of your friends email? I am guessing you dumped your friends while having your affair right? I am also guessing from what she said that your focus has been primarily on yourself for many years, hence the permission to do what you did.

But, you said something I think is very important. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know where to begin to find myself. I don't remember who she is anymore. Can I ever find her?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, yes...you can find her Grace. She is within you always has been, but you have never let her out. Do you want to know who and what she is?

If you push away all of your fears, your worries, your insecurities, your defensiveness, greed you will find that you are who you admire.

I firmly believe that people are more like the people they admire than they ever want to admit. That is why children often act and talk like their parents. But, it goes deeper.

Let me explain this a bit. I told you I like the name Grace. Let me tell you why. People who act with grace are people I admire. They are kind, they refuse to be brought into petty arguements, they know their goals, they now their limits, they understand people and their failures including their own. THEY ARE PEOPLE THAT EVERYONE ENJOYS BEING AROUND AND TRUSTS WITH THEIR HURTS, VICTORIES, and JOYS.

They are people that make others feel better at their very worst times. So I do my best to be like that.

You are who you admire. If you want to find yourself, start asking yourself what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of friend do I want to be? What kind of a W and mother do I want to be? When you know those answers you will know who you are. Then the issue is to start to allow your actions to reflect who you are. That requires overcoming fear, greed (my Father told me those are the two great motivators in humanity, he was right), you need to overcome your insecurities. You need to be strong enough to be vulnerable and see your H in new ways. Treat him with grace.

If you do these things you will find yourself Grace. I am sure of it.

You also said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My therapist says we will start to deal with that after the baby comes, right now she says all we can do is get through each day/week until then. We talk some about the past but mostly about the marriage right now. She is trying to help me understand focus and my interpretations of what I think is going on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And she is trying to get you to see how you "filter" the information that comes to you about the marriage, your H, the OM, your friends. Do you filter it to protect yourself, or do you filter it to help them? Are you looking for possible ways they could hurt you or are you looking for how they are hurt and how you could help?

Your counselor is right, but I believe you can start to find out who you are before then. It would be very interesting for you to ask your H what he saw in you when you married that made him want to marry you. I think you would be surprised. I am betting it is now who you present yourself to be now, or thought you were then.

He has and does see the faults, and the strengths in you. I am betting he has seen Grace as Grace has not seen herself, and it is a good thing.

So Grace, it is time for some thought, prayer if you are inclined it is a good thing, and some reflection on your friends email.

I cannot think of a better time than when you are "great with child" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> to look at who is inside sharing that space with your child.

I hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

#840173 02/02/05 08:44 PM
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Well Grace is a good first name but some friends of our already have that as their DD's name, but I am going to give it great thought.

What did I think of my friends email? I am not quite sure what to think, I've become a little self concious about it though, her husband has made some comments early on in our friendship that I didn't really like but I set them up and now thery are married. She didn't seem to have a problem when a gave her a gift for both her showers and when her son was born, and for his baptism which my H is the godfather, I bought gifts for that too, from him and from the 3 of us. So I don't use the phone much big deal.

But yes you guess it I dumped your friends while having my affair.

I've always focused on myself though, I've been hurt so bad that if I control that situations no one can hurt me anymore right?

JL~ I desire so bad to find her but right now just getting through each day is such a task.

Oh, yes...I will find her, she is within me and always has been. But I'm afraid to let her out. I'm afraid to know who and what she is. I'm afraid she'll be nothing like me. She'll be real.

I have to many fears, worries, insecurities, defensivefullness, and greed to find who I am. I am afraid I won't like the real me.

You know who I admire? I admire my H, I have put him through so much and he still stands strong. He never had emotional contact when he was a child yet he gives it so freely to his daughter. His mother was/is a manic depressant and his father a very stubborn german. He had a very strict upbringing. He has high values and morals. He is very smart and can handle almost any situation which such Grace and ease. He never panics, never gets nervous and has one great mind on his shoulders. He still repects his father very much, he has grown into such a wonderful man.

Our DD is alot like him , your right.

I don't act with Grace, I am the exact opposite. My dady always called me Grace when I was little because I was so clumsy. I am kind however, but I find even the pettiest arguements, I used to know my goals, they now my limits, and I try to understand people and their flaws and I have to many of my own.

I used to believe evryone enjoyed being around me, but now I don't feel the same, not just about the last two years but look at Gretchens letter it has been longer. I used to sacrafice my own happiness for the happiness of everyone else. But I also expected way to much and was disappointed if it didn't turn out how I wanted it.

I want to be who I admire, I will start asking myself what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of friend do I want to be? What kind of a W and mother do I want to be? I want to find my Grace.....

Your counselor is right, but I believe you can start to find out who you are before then. It would be very interesting for you to ask your H what he saw in you when you married that made him want to marry you. I think you would be surprised. I am betting it is now who you present yourself to be now, or thought you were then.

You have said so much that has helped, I admire you.

I will pray , I will reflect, I will do some soul searching this weekend.

UPDATE~The OM said if Im paying CS then I want rights to the child, I thought he said he wants nothing to do with him/her? He is just doing that to spite me now, becuase in his statement just prior to that he again said he wants nothing to do with the baby. Uhh imagine that!

Went to the doctor this am and I am dialated to a 3, doc said see u next week if not sooner so if you don't hear from me that's why. I am not due for another 4 weeks though.

{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Grace

#840174 02/03/05 11:20 AM
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Dear Grace~

I've been down with the sickies the past few days, and still am not up to par, but I wanted to at least touch base with you.

Your posts are freaking me out a bit, and they're difficult for me to read, because I feel like I'm looking into a mirror. So many similarities. That email for instance, could've been written by my best friend. There is still so much I need to change about myself--so much futher to go. I, like you, shut people out very easily, at the first hint of possibly being hurt by them.

Gosh, I don't know how much I can help you, since I still need a lot of work myself, but I will try to help you the best I can. I can share the things that have worked for me.

The one thing I wanted to hit on right now is your question about how to find yourself--the real you, etc...I think you will find yourself, the person you want to admire, when you begin to make a habit out of doing good. Emphasis on the doing . It sounds as if you've already started that process, all you need to do is keep it up. After awhile you will be characterized by your "good" behaviour--instead of having it be the exception.

There are so many issues for you and your H to work through. In many ways, much more than my H and I had, because we had no interference from x-om, and my H made up his mind on D-day that he wanted to remain M. I, however, had already begun to do an overhaul on my character before I even confessed. My H had some evidence that I was making a pattern of changing my life. Awhile after D-day, and on more than one occasion, I asked him why it appeared to be so easy for him to forgive me, and he would say, "because I am just so HAPPY to have my wife back, I am so happy to see YOU happy again...those are all I ever wanted..." This is why I like what JL said to you here,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your counselor is right, but I believe you can start to find out who you are before then. It would be very interesting for you to ask your H what he saw in you when you married that made him want to marry you. I think you would be surprised. I am betting it is now who you present yourself to be now, or thought you were then.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is simply excellent advice and insight. I will add what I said before--to keep up the changes, form a foundation, where your H can see that you are for real, that your changes are for real. That you are the person he wanted to marry in the first place, and hopefully the person he wants to remain married to.

I know there are so many legal type of issue that are dogging you right now, and they will have to be dealt with soon as they are very important and critical in the future of all concerned. In my estimation though, nothing is as important as the health and status of your M. You cannot control the outcome of your M, as you cannot control which decisions your H will make, BUT you CAN control YOUR decisions. You get to decide who you are going to be, by way of your actions, or lack thereof.

Just a little note about the friends thing...DON'T shut them out, you need them. Phone calling IS a big deal. It is something I struggle with, and it is just one of the things that have contributed to the damage of my friendships. I do not have one single, intimate friendship, because I'VE NOT put the work in that helps to foster an intimate friendship. After awhile, a friend, just like a spouse gets tired of having a one-sided relationship. I think I'm going to take my own advice here, and start today by calling my best friend--she will be floored! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I will be praying that things go smoothly for you with the delivery. I didn't realize you were so CLOSE, my goodness, you may be at the hospital as I type this!! Do you know if it's girl? I really like JL's advice to name her Grace, that was my choice if my baby had been a girl. Also, it is part of my name. I hated it as a youngster, as NO ONE had that name, except for realllly old ladies. Now that it's en vogue, I of course love it, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Seriously though, I think it's so pretty, and says so much too.

Gotta run, my head is about to fall off. I hope I made some sense.

I will be praying for you, your baby, your child, and your H.

Take good care,
~ad

PS. Have you told your H that you only want him, and that you'll do whatever it takes to earn his love, trust and respect again?

#840175 02/03/05 04:08 PM
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{{{AD}}}

Hope you feeling better soon, it seems to be going around.

I know what your saying about our similiarities? I read some of your posts and felt i was looking into a mirror. That I was reading what someone wrote about me.

I am very highly contemplating Grace, our friends live in Missouri so it won't be that close you know.

The legal issues do mean alot right now and is making this so much more diffucult.

I have told my H that I want nothing more then him...It seems as though the more I did that the more I pushed him away so I decided I would write him a letter and tell him just how sorry I am and how much I love him. I got a lot of advice from other posts and other sites, combined them together added things I really wanted him to know and I gave it to him with a single rose and a cd with the Kenny Rogers song "Buy her a rose". It seemed so appropriate. If you ever get a chance to listen to do so, its an amazing song, simple and to the point.

My therapist said he should have turned around and just been amazed by it. SHe said she cried when she read it. He said he wanted to let it sink in, we haven't talked about it but he said he believes every word I wrote. If someone ever wrote me a letter like teh one I wrote I'd forgive them for anything they did, ok just about anything. I think he is just holding on to so much pain he can't let those emotions in. I wrote the letter becuase he's not a stupid man and I figured if I put everything down in writing he would know and I would stop pushing him away. I still do things to show him however, you know chores, dishes, laundry making sure he has luch the next day, compliments, thank yous. I am grateful still for him very much.

I pray I follow in you footsteps Autumn Day...and that my marriage does to...

You'll never guess what my horoscope said today:
You'll get a kick out of this one, I did...

Your utter uniguness is featured and you don't have to do a thing beside be yourself. Ah, but there's the rub. Who are you? The question that was once so easily answered is now so puzzling.

Amazing uh! Scarry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But in away guiding...

I'm still hanging on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SG
SG

#840176 02/03/05 09:06 PM
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Grace,

I think you will find when you look inside some very surprising things. But, will surprise you the most is how frieghtened your are, how vulnerable, and how good deeds affect you. You will begin to see that you are indeed capable of very good deeds and you get a lot of satisfaction out of them.

I would suggest your letter to your H is such a deed. I am sure he is very worried about the child. I am sure he is very worried that he is not good enough to hold you as his W.

I was also going to comment about the pulling away thing. But, there is a thread by River Girl on the EN portion of this site, where that is being discussed. I think he pulls away to protect you. He knows he has anger and pain and sometimes when you get too close he is not sure he can handle it.

Ask him sometime. I think you will find that he loves you deeply, but he has many fears right now. Most of them steming from his lack of self-esteem.

You are apparently getting close to delivery. I do wish an "easy" on for you, and that you and your child are healthy.

Please keep your head up, somehow this will work out.

If you are interested you might want to read a thread by Believer in GQ. She has asked for situations that led to surprise endings. I posted the one that surprised me the most. It is about a lady named Facing Choices. You and AD will be amazed. Go read it.

God Bless,

JL

#840177 02/04/05 09:11 AM
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Grace, I am a BW. I know when I was trying to come to terms w/ all that had happened w/ the A, I had a hard time making a decision. While, I was still in the house and I didn't want H to leave (he offered to give me space), my emotions were going back and forth. (They still do sometimes, it's getting better.) The biggest thing for me was not the A itself, but the lies, and that H knew how much it would have hurt me and he did it anyway. He really thought I would never find out. I also do not know anyone IRL in this situation, so I was having a really hard time w/ dealing w/ what everyone we knew would be thinking about the situation. What I'm trying to say is your H is going through a lot of emotions, and he will probably go back and forth for a while. This is when you need to be patient and remind him of why he fell in love w/ you in the first place. While you are pregnant, and going through a lot on your own, he also needs your understanding and help to get through this as well. It is a slow process. H kept insisting I make a decision, I told him it would depend on him and his actions. I love him and my marriage, but I will not go through all of this again. He is having to prove to me that he is on my side, and that's a slow process.

#840178 02/08/05 10:03 AM
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Hello evryone~

Well no baby yet~ Surprised~ I am~

Cleaned my whole basement, that should have sent me into labor. Had 2 hrs of contractions on friday, lost some stuff this Sunday. I stayed home yesterday DD had the flu, it was really nice to be home with her but I feel so helpless when she vomits. She had 3 bath, she was happy she got to play. She's better now, a little pedilyte and sleep does wonders. I told her she had the flu bug and she said how di a bug get in my tummy, I want it out. She said she had crickets.

Good weekened for the H and I, we went to a class on Sat call Children coping with divorce. We ofcourse were the only couple there togther. We went to lunch after and it was nice, I felt close to him but then he asked me if I would be upset when he takes of his ring. I paused, got a little choked up and said but we are still married. Can't you atleast wait until the divorce is official? His normal self would have been mad I think, because if he wants to take it off he can. I think he wanted to see how I would react? I didn't really get upset, I just said you know I will always hope that things will change between us. He said he knows that.

He put the babys carseat in the car and asked where the base was for his car so that made me feel good too. What a man!

~Gotta Run~
SG

#840179 02/08/05 10:04 AM
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I hope everyone had a great weekend. {{{{}}}}}

If not here's to the beginning of a brand new day!

#840180 02/08/05 10:26 AM
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Hey Grace, you're sounding mighty chipper this morning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That, and your nesting this weekend--sounds like the baby will be here soon!

Things sound pretty good with your H too.

Just continue to provide space.

You've let him know you want the M.

Continue to prove that, without being all clingy, and too desperate for him to change his mind. (Although I realize how hard it must be waiting to see if he still wants the M-- I only waited 12 hours, and thought that was hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> --I commend you for going the distance, with grace too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !!)

Hope your little one is completely well very soon. It's the worst when they're sick.

Is H planning to be at the birth?

xom is nowhere around, right? I hope he's keeping his distance, and you're in NC. That's the most crucial part of proving you want your M.

Keep in touch.
~ad

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>

#840181 02/08/05 05:03 PM
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Oh yes, the H will be at the birth. I know he would regret not being there if the baby is his. Even if it isn't I am so grateful that he has made the decision to be with me during the birth. I think no matter what we will always have an intimate connection to each other. What H who really wants a divorce does all the things that my H is doing? I made him lunch yesterday morning, I was already up with DD. It was nice to make him lunch, to take care of him.

Oh the xOM, well we own a business together. There is no physical contact between us, we barely even talk to each other while here and ther is NC outside the business unless it is business. We are sekking atty counsel on dissolving our business relationship. Considering the circumstances he needs to be involved yet to take of the biz when I can't.

IT asked me how I felt about the baby yesterday, I told her I think he/she is a blessing, there was a reason I became pg. It ended what I shouldn't have been doing and started a new relationship with my H, wether it ends in divorce or not.

He said he was going to tell his wife about it this last weekend, but I don't think he has the guts. I think he is just afraid of my H and wants me to tell my H so that he thinks he is safe from him actually telling her.

~SG~

#840182 02/08/05 08:50 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Grace,

If you are interested you might want to read a thread by Believer in GQ. She has asked for situations that led to surprise endings. I posted the one that surprised me the most. It is about a lady named Facing Choices. You and AD will be amazed. Go read it.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG (sorry/not meant in vain)

I just read the post you recommended, I read it all the way through, WOW!

I am amazed, in tears, and more hopeful.

Evrytime I talk to you JL I feel more hope and recognition to be the person I so hope to be. To save the marriage that has so much potential to be saved.

You have opened my eyes to a world I was so blind to, you all have. Thank You!

{{{SG}}}

#840183 02/08/05 09:25 PM
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Grace,

I am glad you found FC's post inspiring. I was amazed when she posted all of those years later. Many things can happen from here on out and many of them are good.

I do hope your H will give this a chance. BUT your job is make sure there is NO CHANCE he will be disappointed if he comes back to you. I don't mean you have to be perfect. I mean you have to follow the four rules for a good marriage that Harley discusses and you have to respect him enough to always tell him the truth.

Frankly, although he does not know it, he has better odds with you than he does with another woman in his life. It is hard to see this from his side of things, but I hope that he does.

But, Grace do me a favor. No matter how this turns out don't think ill of him.

God Bless,

JL

#840184 02/09/05 06:57 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>
Frankly, although he does not know it, he has better odds with you than he does with another woman in his life. It is hard to see this from his side of things, but I hope that he does.

But, Grace do me a favor. No matter how this turns out don't think ill of him.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You knwo I never really though about the odds that way but it makes sense.

It's funny you should say that because I was trying to get all the info I needed in case the baby comes for the testing. He wants to get it done right away, as do I. I do not want to prolong it anymore. If we go through the county it's only $200 but it starts the proceedings for CS, if we wait for the court order from our divorce then it is just done. ANd it may take awhile before we get the order. When I told him what the lady from the county said he said I don't believe you. I said that I am doing everything that I can to make this process easier for him and if he wanted to call the lady he could. The conversation got better and I told him it will all works itself out in the end. I called him back a little while later and he said you know not that you were saying I was lying but I want you to know I've come this far, there is no reason for me to start lying now. And he said he knows that.

And as far as me feeling ill for him, gosh I don't think I could ever let that happen. I know that's what they all say, but he has done so much for me and for what I did to him, I don't think he deserves that kind of disrespect from me ever again. I will be heartbroken but I could never not love him.

My horoscope today:

You're holding a space open in your life to be filled by someone yet to arrive. At this very moment that person could be starting the journey that will eventually lead to your heart. Keep the faith.

SG

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