I cannot find info and help. My H of 19 years has had an A which has resulted in a child. We have 3 boys aged 13, 15 and 17 and now they have a half sister. Do I stay, go and what do I tell my children

Sorry you're here. I'm sure more BS will come forward and give you advice. Only you can answer whether you should stay, go etc. etc.

Read all you can on the MB site. Has paternity been established? Does you WH want C (contact)? Assuming this has just hit you. Is your WH being cooperative? Is the A over?

Take a good look at POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement, EN (Emotional Needs), Plan A, Plan B and so forth. Lots of good info on here. You will find BS that have chose to leave their WH, BS who have chose to work on their marriage with their WH and have C with the OC (other child), and those who have NC.

The one thing I can tell you is to take care of #1 FIRST. You can't handle this without taking care of yourself.

More will be here to post to you soon.

Thankyou for the advice. I am spending lots of time on this site now. Life sucks and I am an emotional roller coaster. Not sure whether I want to stay or leave - nor do I know why. Love seems like a thing of the past

I understand the RC ride. You'll have days of ups and downs. Continue on with "life" as much as you can. Get out and get some exercise, breath some fresh air. Clear your mind, even if it's just for half hour.

Is your WH supportive? Are you able to talk to him?

Whatever you do, remember to consider yourself and your children first.

What does yoru H want? Has he ended the A & ALL ties to OW, %100 NC of ANY kind for any reason?

MC is a MUST. HTE harley offer MC, not cheap but well worth it from those who ahve used them.

Read everythign on this site besides the boards, lots of great tools to help your marraige.

Take a deep breath, get some fresh air @ least once a day, breath, try to get out for some form of excercise, even a walk around the block. It will help keep your mind clear & rational as well as yoru emotions.

Now is NOT the tiem to be a pitiful mess. You will have those days but stand up for YOU & your family. It can be done. THere are legal steps you can take NOW to protect you, your family & yoru finances, but you must not wait.

Be strong, no matter what happens YOU will be OK & you will survive this ordeal, that is all it is, an 'event' you will get past it & you will still live through it.

One day @ a time. TIme to call in the 'prayer warriors' if you know any.

Find a good support group IRL (in real life) as well that you can turn to that will support your MARRIAGE.

let us knwo what you need, most of us have already been there, many are right in the thick of it. WE will support whatever decsision you make, hopefully it iwll be what is best for yoru marraige.

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
kt

PS look up sunnyd's welcome thread, I will try to find it & bump it up for you, if I can.

Thanks for the great info and advice.
H is still in contact with OW through email and phone as she lives in another country (he travels a lot for business). He is proud of his new daughter and wants us to have a relationship with her as she grows up. Problem is that I believe he is still emotionally attached to the OW. My gut instincts tell me to run now but I have 3 wonderful teenage boys and a fabulous stepdaugher from his previous marriage. They will all be devastated when they find out dad has been living such a lie. One of the questions I need to answer is if I truly want to try and make it work and I cannnot answer that question clearly. perhaps I can do it for a while - but how long ?

Please, please, PLEASE read the Marriagebuilder articles and concepts, esp. Plan A and Plan B.

That's all I have time for right now. I'm sorry for your pain.

J
in recovery 6 years
3 kids +visitation

Phegar, how old is the OC? It is not your H decision at this point whether to salvage the marriage, but YOURS! When did you find out about the A and the OC?

I would suggest you not make ANY rash decisions now...I am also the mother of three beautiful boys, ages 9, 6 and 4...my WH is about to have his first daughter born by the OW.

I am currently in Plan B. I would love to be a part of my boys' half sister's life, but I WILL NOT be a part of that OW's life! ANd neither should you!

YOu need to make some decisions with your H...find out what the current situation is between him and theOW...absolutely NO CONTACT should be made without you present and further more, it is suggested that all contact be done thru a third party...a lot of WS's use the excuse of the OC to still continue C with the OW's...hogwash! YOu do not need to be in conatact with the OC's mother to be a part of her life!

I am not experienced enough in the OC situation, but I am experienced in the WH sit! Take the advice of these good people here! And take care of YOU!

OC is 4 months old and lives in a different country - H travels a lot to this country. A is nearly 8 years and I found out about 6 years ago. Life sucked then and he made a commitment to our marriage - or so he said. This was apparently just a mistake. I don't want a relationship with the OC - not right now anyway. I don't know what to tell my 3 boys, if anything. H is willing to cut all business ties with the other country and is okay with me travelling there with him to see the OC. I don't know if I should just ask him to leave. If he comes back some day things may be different. I don't trust him at all. He still emails daily although he says he does not. I have been a good spy so I know he is lying to me.

Thanks for all support and great advice.

pheger wrote: Do I stay, go and what do I tell my children.....I don't trust him at all. He still emails daily although he says he does not. I have been a good spy so I know he is lying to me.

Are you reallyasking IF you should stay married to a man who is a LIAR? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

NOT a man who 'made a mistake' & is now making changes to repair the 'mistake' BUT a man who is CURRENTLY continuing to LIE to you everyday?

What would you say if this was your DAUGHTER telling you this story & asking you for advice? Or your best friend?

How 'bout YOU answer this question: Do you want to be married to a LIAR?

sincerely,
kt

He says he needs 7 days to prove he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. Councellor told him that unless he gives the OW up and makes no further contact he is kidding himself. I am waiting and interested to see what he will do. I am prepared to let him go and I am not fighting to get him back. I feel stronger now and I know I am not about to collapse in a pitiful heap. I will get to the other side and hold my head up high again - with or without him. I do believe we could still have a future together but we have heaps of work to do on our marriage over the next 3 months - that's my time frame for the sake of my kids and 19 years of marriage and because I want to make the right decision when I am not so emotional.

Hi pheger,

I'm sorry about your situation. Sometimes I wish there were answers to everything!!! My H's XOW had the OC this Jan. Throughout the WHOLE pregnancy, I wanted NOTHING to do with OC. I wished every horrible thing upon OW during pregnancy because she was having my H's FIRST boy. I was so angry. Then I become pregnant (not planned at all, was on BC for 5 years). I then tried to focus all my energy on myself and my little one, even though through some of my posts, it didn't look like it. The day the OC was born, I was a mess. I left work early and couldn't believe it was happening to me. I told myself that OC was 100% innocent although I still didn't want anything to do with him. Then my H told me, you know honey how much I love you and would do anything for you, but its been on my heart that this OC is part of me, and innocent. He didn't ask to be born, even though I was the one who made the mistake. He had someone tell him at work while he was bad-mouthing the OW that hey dude, it isn't about her, its about the OC and you are his father, despite everything. You know, my H has NEVER been put in his place. When I heard that, I thought, you know what, this little one is 50% of the man I love. (getting teary eyed) So I thought, you know, I am going to stay with my H and if he wants to take responsibility for this little one, then I have to accept that. The first time I met OC was 3 weeks ago. OW dropped him off in the parking lot and I watched. He brought him up and without thinking about it, I opened up the cover to his seat and took him out. ALL THE PAIN AND HURT TOWARDS THIS LITTLE ONE WENT AWAY. I picked him up,took one look at him and saw my H. I brought him to my heart and snuggled him close. I started to cry because YES, it hurt like HELL to be in this situation but why deny this little one LOVE? We know as H and W that we will be able to give him SO much more then OW will. We have so much to give together. So for the 2 hours we had him, I held him and fed him and watched him sleep.
You could have asked me 5 months ago and I would have been ready to fight about having ANYTHING to do with OC. I know your situation is a little different with OC being in a different country and all. I dont know if I would be able to visit if OW was there. I'm not sure from your post if you are still wanting your marriage to work??? But I wanted to share my experience with the OC and maybe that will help. I'm not sure. take care.