Is there a point where you began to feel comfortable w/ H going out w/ friends, people from the office etc... Were any of you able to get past this, or do you still not like it?

Hi Wife,

You know, I don't think things will ever be 100%normal again. As for my H going out with others, he doesn't really do that anymore. Since he got in trouble at his job and losing his rank, he hates anything pertaining to the military. His friends were all in the military but through this whole fiasco, he realized who is real friends were. But I still get uncomfortable all the time. He is home most of the time unless he goes up north to work with a friend for extra money sometimes and even then, when he calls, I strain to hear the sounds of tools or something that can make me feel better that he really is UP there. Part of me feels bad because I know he is trying 100% in regards to gaining my trust back and I want to get back to that part in my life where I don't have those feelings because I'm tried of it. I feel like I need to start giving him more credit although that is pretty hard. I rarely ? him but deep down inside since everything, its hard to 100% fully believe him....
How is the baby doing? I read your other post on childbirth classes! That's exciting. We looked into them but they are days that won't work for both of us.

Hi! The baby is doing great, I have another Dr.'s appt. Wednesday. We live near a big city, so they have quite a few classes to choose from. I've been feeling pretty good, I had one day this week I was extremely tired, but for the most part I feel good. I get a lot of headaches though.

How are you feeling?

H doesn't really go out much anymore either. For the most part he is home w/ me. And through all of this, I wouldn't say he's lost friends, but maybe some respect. He had friends he's known his whole life, a best friend he played T-ball w/. His BF's mom calls us her children. We are close to their whole family. They had a very hard time w/ the situation. His friend's mom couldn't understand why I was staying, although she's supportive now. It really hurt H because he has stood by them and known them so long. I asked him "What did you think people would think? Did you think they would support you in this?" Now, his friends seem to be talking to him a little more, I know he needs support and people to talk to, and I felt bad for him in the begining because I know he felt isolated.

H definitely doesn't go out as often as he use to. He has gone out a couple of times, but he had only gone out w/ people I am close to, that I know would not support any indiscretions. His brothers, his best friend, neighbor, etc... Yesterday he went out w/ some people from the office, and it was extremely difficult for me, then he met up w/ a neighbor (I'm more comfortable w/ that). He called me about 4-5 times throughout the night. He also thanked me for letting him go out this morning, which is so lot like him. Alot has changed now, but he use to be so independant, and think he didn't need to let me know where he was going etc... (even before the A.) It's hard, because I know if he really wanted to see someone else, he will. Hell last time a lot of when he saw her were on his lunch breaks from work. I would never know. I can't keep him on a leash, but I just have a hard time trusting him to be faithful, when I feel a lot of that trust is gone. I guess I can't say it's all gone because I am starting to slowly trust him a little more. It's just been a slow process.

Gosh Wife30,,it hasn't even been a year since your Dday. I'm not at all suprised you don't feel comfortable about him going anywhere without you. It's gonna take a while,,,a long while for that trust to return.

My H doesn't express any desire to go anywhere without me. And when he has gone somewhere that I have no interest in going, he talks our son into going with him. That is all his doing,,,not my insistance.

If it came up....would I be "comfortable" with him going out without me with "the guys."

Probably not,,,,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That takes a long time. Long after you get to the acceptance stage. At some point the hysteria calms, you find a balance and are living a normal life. You will be sneaking around and checking on him for a while. Lord knows I did!

We had "healed" life was moving on and I still quesitoned him. I can't remember when the exact time frame was, but is came long after the oc was born, cs established and normalacy had returned. I was rather two-faced about it all. I could go out with my friends, anyone I wanted. When he did go, he always called me, told me who-what-when-where-why, stuff like that. I was also a bit sharper then too. If he said he was golfing, me and a friend would drop by. Not so much to go and chat with him, but just take a look. He knew that. He never knew when or where I would show up. I guess it just slowly grew back to trust. Today, I trust him completely. But it did take time.

Look, this isn't like a broken leg, that they put a cast on and tell you three months then you can walk, and at 6 months all will be back to normal. It is a process. And everyone will be different. Some guys will be better at helping out then others. Some guys are more touchy feely and able to talk, others don't. Some who weren't learn to be more open about feelings (that was my husband) after going through this. They get in touch with their "feminen" side <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Which is good when you are working out a marriage!!

Just take it one day at a time and allow it to happen. There are no magic words, no magic number of days, just time. Make sure you are not wasting 24/7 obsessing about this though. If you are on the road to healing, make sure you are putting this aside each day for a while to live and have some fun or whatever you want. Living well is vital!! The icky feelings will still be there if they haven't subsided yet. It's quite ok to put them on hold for a while!! It isn't leprosy afterall!! It is a betrayal that can be healed from.

Ditto that it hasn't even been a year!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

KEEP him on a leash! Why shouldn't you?? HE blew it!! He should PROVE to you that he is "behaving" at all times, and he should do it willingly as part of the cost of his A and to rebuild trust.

It''s been 6y for us and DH is still careful about his contacts, although the leash isn't as short now as it was the first couple years.

Best wishes on your marriage and baby.
J
6y recovery
3 kids +visitation