Hey everyone. I'm having a difficult time dealing w/ my husband having and oc but we dont have any children together. For those of you in similar situations I wanted to know how you're dealing w/ it. At times I just want us to have a baby kind of to equalize the equation and make everything right. I want children for other reasons as well. But this reason's a very strong one of late and I know its not a good reason to bring a child into the world. What do you all think?

Well, I think you should really sit down & spend some time evaluating what you really want out of this marriage.

Then decide if it looks like your marriage is heading in the direction that you want.

When you answer those question then I think you start to make some decisions.

If there is something you can do to help your marriage go in the direction you want then you do it.

If there is nothing YOU can do then you have another choice; accept it how it is or not.

If you can accept it how it is, will it be good & healhty enough to bring a child into it?

It does not have to be perfect but will it be 'good enough'?

We already had 1 when OW got pg, but we did go on to have 2 more after. It was not an easy decision. I had to weigh it all & how much it meant to both of us.

Yes, it was an emotional bond as well but there are trust issues.

It is much easier to leave a marriage & go out on your own then it is when their are children involved that you are obligated to support.

THAT is what I think you need to base your decsions on. WILL your marraige last & are you willing to MAKE it last? Are you willing to put ALL the effort necessary to make it last & is your H?

If NOT---then I would say NO, no baby to add to the complication & be another victim of a broken home.

You have choices, a child does not.

sincerely,
kt

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I agree w/ KT on this. H and I did not have children when the OC was born. We were planning on having children, and were suppose to be starting during the time H was involved in the A. It didn't happen, and along came OC. I wanted to be sure that I was willing to stay in the marriage before I had a child w/ H. While it's been less than a year, and things are improving they are not perfect. H and I did decide to have our own child and I am 14 weeks pregnant. It was something we did discuss w/ our counselor prior to deciding. She encouraged us, and she felt H had learned his lesson and would not ever repeat his mistakes. She also said no one ever truly knows if their marriage will work when they have children and you have to make the decisions you think are best at the time. We are both excited about our baby and looking forward to it. I think for us it's been the right decision (although it makes your recovery a little more difficult at times w/ the horomones).

I just want you to know that I can totally relate to how you feel. I have been married for almost 11 years and I have two beautiful step-daughters but no children of my own. I have had 2 miscarriages and many years of trying to havea a baby. H having OC with OW was extremely painful to me and still is at times.

I cannot advise you as to what to do but I can tell you that now is definitely not the time for me to try to have children again. My marriage is hanging on by the tiniest of thread and I am smart enough to know that having a baby does not make a bad situation better. You are getting some great advice here.

I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. You are definitely not alone.

thanks guys. We have a mc apt today. Maybe we'll disscuss it then. I just feel so hurt that he's here and we dont have any of our own. Parts of me doesnt want to have children now because I feel like our marriage is so tainted.