I posted this morning in "Stress?" as to why I was looking up H's cell records. I don't like what I found out. I can not find last months on-line, I'm not sure why. I can find every thing previous to Jan. 7th, and I can find from the 5th of this month on. They talked 8 times on Saturday! 5 times on Monday! and he even called her Sunday while I was in the shower. I called him to confront him and he lied to me until he knew that I had proof in my hands! He says they were arguing about visitation and the OC was sick. I obviously can't believe him because he lies and lies until I catch him. I can tell that prior to last month, he was not talking to her and was being honest about it. I don't know what triggered all of this. He says I get too upset when he tells me, so he's not telling me. I told him it makes him look too guilty and I was done trying to save a marriage that is not worth saving. He said I needed to think about what I wanted to do. I asked him if he still loves me, he says yes. I asked him if he loves her, and he says he doesn't know. He's always said it was only about sex. I asked him if he wants to save this marriage and he said he doesn't know, he's just tired of hurting me. He says he's coming by here to get clothes tonight and then he's going to stay at his brothers. I did call a lawyer for a consultation, and they did not call me back. I asked him why in the world he would have planned this child w/ me? Why couldn't he just have been honest w/ me a year ago and we could have divorced then? I really am at a loss. I have put so much in to this marriage. I have tried everything I can think of and I think it's time to call it quits. I just don't know what else to do. I told him I was calling a lawyer and he said for me to do what I felt I needed to do. I told him I wanted 1/2 the income tax, and he said I could have it all. He says I can have whatever I want. I told him I will file for CS and set visitation. I won't play these games XOW is playing. He's an idiot! Even w/ paying a lesser amount for CS if XOW doesn't take him to court, if I file, he'll be paying $1,100 a month in CS between the two of us! He could not afford to get his own place! I don't know what he's thinking. I asked him if he will be w/ XOW he says- NO, I told you I would never get remarried. I said you also told me you would not call her. So, now I sit and wait to see what he's going to do tonight. I am starting to feel very minor cramps (I'm 15 weeks pregnant). I'm not sure how to try to calm down.

Wife,
Can you call your doctor??? A family member, a friend, a counselor? Please relax, talk to someone soon (get off the computer!) and take care of yourself and your baby.

Calm down an relax.

Be careful at this point it may just be stress but you really should call a nurse or doctor to get advice.

I hate it when men give fence sitting answers like that.

He was backed into a corner with the proof that you had so he was a little defensive.

He is an idiot to leave you alone like this...but some men run from contravercy.

Give him the benefit of the doubt right now and try to remain calm.
I am soo sorry he has upset you like this I know how hard it is with the first child... and all this "other" stress to top it off.

Please take care of you right now.

WHEW! Take some serious DEEP breathes!

I know it is hard right now but you NEED to calm down-for your baby.

Right now, forget about EVERYTHING-AVOID H. GO to a friend's house, mother, sister, whatever & relax. IF the cramps continue like CLO said, call your dr. immediately.

Forget about H antics for now. HE is NOT worth this stress of you & your baby.

CRY! Many times, crying is a MAJOR stress reliever.

Lay down & try to relax all the muscles in yoru body.

in, out, in, out, deep breathes, feel the muscles relaxing, everything is ok, you are gonna be okay!

Call your DR right NOW & talk to them, they will help you.

Don't even think about him, his idiocy is NOT your concern right now. IF he is confused--so what--------YOU are not, you've got your priorities straight! He's an IDIOT! He's 'confused' because he's starting C w/ OW again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He wants to 'go'..let him go-you don't need this stress right now.

Take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

worried for you,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
kt

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Wife, I'm sorry to hear all this.
There's not much any of us can say to make you feel better at a time like this.
I'm sure your mind is going 100 miles an hour, just tryin to figure him out.
But try to remember you have the best thing in your life growing inside you, your baby.
I know it's the hardest thing you will ever do, but please try to relax, take care of baby and you.
Walk away from him if you can, maybe he will realize what he is loosing.
I sure wish I could say something to make you feel better, but boy talk about going through it all over again.
My email is TONeil22@comcast.net
If you want, email me and I will give you my phone number if you would like somebody to talk to, it does help alot to talk to a friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Maybe stay away for a few days, sure seems that what he will be payin in CS would scare the crap out of him.
You hang in there. email if you need to talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wife30,

I can feel your pain. Trust me!!!! I am so sorry that this is happening to you and mostly happening now that you are pregnant. I went through the SAME emotions you did but I've worked really hard and so has my H to make things less stressful. I've realized that I'm letting the OW consume my thoughts and she doesn't deserve that. But in your situation, you really need to focus on your little one. I asked my doctor about the effects on stress for the little one and he says basically it raises their heartbeat and makes them more active for the time that you are stressed. So I said, you know, for Cayden's sake, I will try my HARDEST to stop even though that is easier said then done. Please remember that you and little one come first NO MATTER WHAT! If your H decides that he can't do it right now, then forget him and worry only about yourself and the little one that needs you right now. If your H wants to play these games with you, then go ahead and let him but you stay strong and keep your ground. If you feel something is wrong, go with your instinct. Why do SOME men feel the need to put their BW's on a rollercoaster and keep them guessing everyday? Especially when he knows you are pregnant? Its very wierd how that works because I'm assuming he knows how emotionally unstable you are (with pregnancy hormones) that he can take FULL advantage of the situation. I'm sorry Wife, I really am because I can understand EVERYTHING you are going through. If there is ANYTHING I can do, you have my email so email me. As for him not coming home and calling her, I don't know if that is such a good sign, I'm sorry to say. He sounds confused and maybe needs time for something (I don't think he deserves time) but if he comes back to say sorry and this and that, MAKE HIM REALIZE how FREAKIN lucky he is if you decide to work on it again!

Wife30,

You need to treat this as you would treat any typical affair. You have an addicted WS who has not immediately "come out of the fog." This is normal---not an exception. He appears to be giving you honest information (which is good)---he doesn't like telling you about contact because you (in his opinion) get upset. So---either stop getting upset, stop snooping, or go to Plan B and have no contact with him.

At this point, I would suggest that you do what you can to protect yourself financially. Take the tax return (all of it) and sock it away. File for divorce. Go to a Plan B (and get yourself a good marriage coach)---lovingly tell your husband that you can't have any further contact with him until he's willing to give up the affair AND contact for a period of time. The two of you need to focus on your marriage (and the birth of your child) before you deal with the OW and OC, and that should be done together using the POJA.

You need to take care of yourself and the baby right now. It'd be great if you had a ton of excess energy to try to implement Plan A, but this would be difficult under the best of circumstances, and you don't appear to have that luxury.

I had a rough night and I'm trying to make it to work w/o crying. That doesn't seem to be going so good right now. H did not come home until 2:30 a.m. I had layed in be w/o falling asleep from about 9:30-12:30. I did leave him 2 angry voicemails during this time. When H comes home he turns on the light to get his clothes out of the closet. He takes 1 set of clothes for today, and was packing. I asked him why now is he telling me that he thinks he has feelings for her? He says he guesses he had them all along. I asked him if he's talked to her about it, and he said no. I asked him then why is he telling me, and he said because I asked. I asked if he'd considered the amount of CS he'd pay, and he said it was just money. He said he didn't want to talk to me, and left stating he would be back for more stuff when I wasn't home. I do need to e-mail him today because he needs to deposit some money for the house payment. I'm not sure what else to do. His brother is furious and says they will never accept XOW. His parents feel the same way. I doubt that would be true if he really stayed w/her. I am not sure what is going on. I'm feeling a little calmer this morning, but not much. At least my heart isn't racing. The cramps come and go and they're not bad. I am trying to calm down, I'm just having a hard time w/it.

I was able to track on-line that the phone calls all started February 3, the day we went to the Healthy Pregnancy Class.

He's in the FOG, an "alien",as M23B describes her WH. Detach, detach, detach - Plan B. Don't carry on long drawn out conversations about why and where and etc. etc. Don't carry any conversations on with him. He's not hearing you.

If you "have" to call him today, leave the message on his voice mail when you know he won't be answering the phone. He'll use your conversation with him to justify his actions if it's not what he wants to hear. Don't pick up the phone when/if he calls. Let him come get his clothes when you're not home.

It's my guess if he comes home at 2:30 a.m., there's alcohol also involved. It doesn't do one darned bit of good to try to carry on a discussion with someone who's in an altered state. Again, he's not hearing you. He's thinking of himself only. Whoa is me, poor me. Don't want to hurt you anymore - blah, blah, blah. Very, very typical behavior from WH.

Your first priority is to take care of yourself. Go spend the weekend at a friends, have a friend or family member come spend the weekend at your home. Get out and get some fresh air, take a walk. And..... take care of yourself financially.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Wife, I don't know what to tell you, Except for I'm so sorry and right now as hard as it is, you have to take care of YOU!!!! and Baby!!!!!!! Trust me I can relate to stress related cramps while pregnant, and it's scary so do whatever it takes to keep calm and take yourself away from the stressful thoughts. I know easier said than done.........I am just so sorry your having to go through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He's been e-mailing me all morning. He asked me if I can go stay somewhere for a week. He's been wanting to redo our floors, and now he says he's going to do them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> We have bunk beds in what is to be the nursery and he says he's going to take those out to make room for the crib. He also wants to leave paint samples for me to pick so he can paint before he moves out? He tried to tell me how I needed to spend the income tax money. We had planned together some things we were going to do around the house. He wants me to still do them. I told him I may need the money to do other things such as daycare, the nursery, the house payment, and a lawyer. At first he tried to tell me that if I wasn't going to do what he agreed on then he wanted 1/2. Then he said he would deposit the full amount into my account. He says he will not contest anything. That we can get a lawyer, write up and agreement, and he will sign whatever I want. I'm not sure if he's bluffing, or if he thinks he will go live w/ OW and then he won't have to pay her CS? I'm not sure what to think, I will have an agreement filed through the courts and if he refuses to sign, then we will go to court.

Wife30,

I'm sorry you are going through this. H is obviously in contact with OW since the cell phone records proves it and they are now either back in the affair physically or emotionally. Don't be surprised if he changes his mind and wants to work on the marriage, right now he and OW are not arguing or he feels guilt re: OC. Put you and your unborn child first. Prior to my D-day I had to do that I ignored my H actions. I had to put my baby first after I gave birth, I made plans to toss his behind out. Protect yourself financially at all cost. Open a separate account that he cannot access and deposit the Tax return money there. I opened a separate account and this was before I knew about exOW/OC I saved as much as my money as I could and used his pay check to pay all the bills. I saved up a nice amount, he didn't know because I took care of all the bills. I know you are hurting now, but who knows he might have slept with OW last night and that might be his reason for agreeing to divorce. If it was meant to be it will, keep praying for strength and move forward with your life which is hard now because of the pregnancy hormones. I hope I haven't upset you just trying to get you to realize as K said it's very important to set your self up financially. If things do not work out with H you will be a single mom. Hopefully your H's family still stays by your side and supports you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Unsure

Be strong. Don't leave your house for a week. Tell him you don't want him to redo the floors and paint the rooms. You can do that yourself without his help. Let him know that you are prepared to do what it takes to take care of yourself and the baby. Don't give him the time of day right now. Don't be nasty, don't carry on conversation, just be to the point and state what needs to be stated and drop it at that. Give him the side of you he's never seen even if it really isn't what you're feeling - a calm, controlled reaction he doesn't expect. It ALWAYS throws them for a loop.

Don't tell him your plans to hire an attorney, don't tell him one darned thing.

Move his behind right out that door. Plan B him. I know how very hard it is, but you'll know sooner than later what he is really thinking.

Stick to it, stay strong and take care of yourself. It works.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Listen to K. He's got the marriagebuilder principles down pat and his advice is good. Call the marriagebuilder counselors or seek local counseling, and get a lawyer. Time could be critical. You've got to think of yourself and your baby now.

I'm sorry.
Hugs,
J
6y recovery

Wife, I am glad you are feelign a bit better.

Yes, everyone here has given you some pretty good advice.

Don't you dare leave YOUR house. Why should you? HE wants out of the marraige-then HE can leave.

He is completely untrustworhty right now so I woudl not put anything past him.

Plan B sounds perfect & will relieve you fo the stress of getting into things w/ him, arguing ect. You just cut it all off, all C, %100.

Any 'business' can go through a 3rd party.
Read up on Plan B here in this site, get very familiar w/ it.

Hang in there hunny bunny, you can do this.

xoxoxo
kt

OK, I've talked to several lawyers today. The first one is a friend of H's family, but was more than willing to represent me, and even offered me a bit of a discount compared to the others I spoke with. He's a very good lawyer and got my BIL custody of his kids when his wife had an affair. He says Texas does not allow you to file for a legal seperation. The divorce can also not be final until after the baby is born! I did not know that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think H is willing to split the costs w/ me and he says I can have what I want in the divorce. The lawyer also says he can get me spousal support to help w/ the house payment until the divorce is final. Also, to keep me on his insurance until after the divorce is final. My co. offers insurance, but H's is better. By then I could sign up for better insurance through work and H will have to keep the baby on his insurance. This all seems to be happening so fast, but it wouldn't be final until after August. At that point they will set up CS and visitation for my baby as well.

Ok, since the D cannot be finalized until AFTER baby is born........why no use this time to PLAN B?

I bet H would come around. All necessary communication (which should be minimal anyway) can go through your attorney.

Your H is acting like a complte JAK-A!!!!

SO you are better off avoiding him completely.

Just use this time to focus on you & yoru baby.

xoxoxo
kt

Hi Wife30! First off, let me tell you how sorry I am for your pain!

You are dealing with a classic Alien at this point...There is no sense in even trying to reason with him right now...You can go see your lawyer, file, draw up papers, do all that stuff if it makes you feel better...BUT, I would suggest that you go into PLAN B yesterday! Instead of running yourself ragged, start protecting yourself!

Your WH is doing things and saying things and sending you spinning...You need to assume that he is with the OW at this point...You've got the cell records...coming home late...wants you to go someplace for a WEEK??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I live in TExas as well, you probably know there is no legal seperation in Texas, there is also NO ALIMONY...so now is the time to start saving...But I wouldn't do anything as far as filing yet..

I really think you should use this time to let your WH let the OW meet all of his needs...let them deal with all of it themselves...You need to take care of you...

I have been in Plan B now since Jan 2...I really do like it...It is hard at first and at times I really miss my HUSBAND, but not the WH...my WH is now wanting to come home...been wanting to for about 3 weeks now, but I am not budging...I am a hard A$$ this time around...

Really think about the Plan B...And take of you now and that baby...

O.K. I'm reading up on Plan B.