I received a notice in the mail on Saturday. Our state refund was taken by the Family Support Registry for arrears. It wasn't much. But I guess the Injured Spouse Form doesn't count with the state. Still don't know how much of our federal refund they're going to take. Waiting is frustrating. Because my H didn't work much in 2004 we had asked for a modification to the support order and were denied. I guess the state thinks no income (H) is the SAME as his previous income ($10/hr.)....this makes NO SENSE to me! I wouldn't have paid his child support all year if I thought it would help us at all! It seems like no matter what we do, I will still end up paying one way or another. If we don't file a joint return we don't get as much of a refund, so it seems to make no difference.

OC came to spend the night last Weds. and she actually had clothes on that fit (we picked her up directly from HeadStart). So, my H and I are thinking OW just doesn't send her to our house in good clothes. OC came with a brand new, and very beautiful belt (OW requested we send it home). I told OC it was a great belt. OC said she had a new black shirt that went with it but she can't wear it here (our house). I said "Why not?". OC said "because my other mom said no".

I guess OW won't let OC wear nice, or new, things to our house. WHY?!

I can't help feeling like OW is going to make OC feel like our house is "dirty" or "bad" or just "not good enough" for OC's nice or pretty things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ugh! I feel so bad for OC. She loves us! She enjoys being at our house! But I can see already how OW's behavior is making OC feel guilty for liking us! Like it's a horrible thing!! My H told OC that she is welcome to come to our home whenever she wants, and all's she has to do is ask her mommy if it's okay. OC just started bawling and mumbled something about her mom getting mad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The clothes thing is just so petty and cruel. I don't understand it and I don't know how to handle OC's feelings about it. Any suggestions?

UGH. God help us.

I'm sorry I can't think of any pithy answers, just so very sad for this child to be jerked around by her own mother. What an immature woman, and as I've told me H before, you cannot "save" a child from their mother except in cases of severe neglect/abuse.

You should document as much as you can and you might be able to use the.. can't think of the name now... alienation-from-non-custodial-parent syndrome someday. Lawyers, court, etc.

Hugs,
J

I really don't have any advice really, I was just going to say that I've heard of couples that don't send nice clothes for fear that it will not be returned. It is a sad situation.

Maybe she doesn't want her to come in new clothes because she wants you to think she doesn't have any $$. Maybe you could buy her some nice clothes to wear and keep at your house.

Sad that the mother makes her child feel guilty about loving her other parent. Just keep being a good example and don'y stoop to her level.

Both my H and I have told XOW that we will return anything she wants, she's just got to let us know that she wants the item(s) returned.

XOW doesn't have a lot of money - she's on food stamps, welfare (TANF), medicaid, etc. We've purchased new clothes in the past couple of weeks for OC, but we have sent her home in some of them. I don't want OC to think that her things have to be separated into "mommy's house" and "daddy's house". Her things are just her things. We even send home the things we buy her for her birthday and Christmas, though maybe now that we have an agreement filed with the court we can feel safe keeping more of her things at our house. In the past we've never known whether or not OC would be at our home to play with her toys or wear her clothes.

I just don't know what to think. I keep trying to put myself in OW's position to see if I might act the way she acts. I just don't see it. I would never make my oldest son leave his "cool" stuff at our house when he goes to visit his dad, I would be robbing him of the pleasure of showing off all those awesome clothes and toys to his dad and his family.

I feel very protective of all my children. I don't want anyone making them fret. OC is confused and seemingly frustrated....it's a sad thing.

I have read a lot on the Parental Alienation Syndrome. Yes, OC displays many symptoms. We will keep documenting.

Thanks for all the responses. There is no clear-cut answer or remedy, but I appreciate the effort.

Hugs,
AVNL

Gosh........this is amazing how much it sounds like our OW & OC situation. (the wlefare, clothes, OC behavior & guilt)

Yes, it is very sad, very, very, sad.

I used to think like you as well, about mommy/daddy's house. But it is a fact & unavoidable. Things WILL be separate & it will just have to be that way.

Some things will have to be kept @ yoru house so that OC will not have to lug every thing back & forth every time. More convenient & practical that way.

Poor thing. Yes, some single moms do ahve a tendency to become upset or to somehow convey thier unacceptance of OC love & care for the OP and/or step-mom. Our OC learned that very early on & I think it created ALOT of stress upon her to keep track of what she had to censor w/in herself while w/ mom.

The therapist picked up on it & said that OC felt RELIEF when she was w/ us. Relief from pressure from mom, relief to just be able to be 'herself' & be a kid & see TWO parents working together & relating in a family.

Just keep those things in mind. SO much of your situation sounds like how ours used to be.

Keep teh dommunication open. Remember to tell OC that it is OKAY if she cna't bring certain clothes or items w/ her to your house, you don't mind ect. Explaining that some homes have different rules & that it's OK.

The therapist said it works well in this situations (any 2 household families) to give the chidl 'choices' becuase they have none in this situation. SUch as what to wear for the day, which pj's for bed, ect. As many practical choices as possible to help them cope w/ teh NON-choice they have (whether real or percieved) in going back & forth between 2 homes. kwim?

Keep up the good work.

xoxoxo
kt