Hey,

Hadn't heard from you in awhile and was wondering how you were doing? I hope that everything has been going okay between you and XH. I am just a little concerned because you've been kind of quiet lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


Give us a shout!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, Waiting... I second that, and was thinking of her myself when I saw her post this week.

Hey Mily! Let us know how you are!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you just warmed my heart!!!

I've been reading almost every day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Yesterday was a little crazy since I had to stay at home with DD ... her daycare is small and some of the employees called in sick, so the owner didn't have enough people to take care of the kids ... but it was good ... quality time with my cutie is always good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, xH and I ... or should I call him BF? ... we've been oficially 'dating' for 6 weeks now ... and just last night he said "I love you" ... by himself! It felt so good ... it's been so long since I last hear that from him without any drama or without me asking ...

He spent the whole Tuesday with OC and DD ... OW finally let him and OC get together with DD ... they were in his apartment ... OC is going to be 8 months old next week and DD 17 months and they are almost the same height! OC is starting to look more like OW and less like xH ... while DD still looks so much like him ...

what else? He keeps going to counseling ... working through his issues with his family ... his dad always cheated on his mom and had a couple of OC from different OWs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... he said that he was using that as an excuse but that now he understood that it was not fair to us and that it was his decision (and fault) to have an affair ...

We are planning a trip in May to go back home (PR) for a week ... he hasn't been there since dec 03/jan 04 before I confronted him about the A ...

He tells me now everytime she calls and what they talk about and I can confirm on the tone of the messages that she leaves him and the number of calls that they don't have a relationship anymore ...

The only thing that concerns me is that he hasn't tell OW that we're dating and that we are trying to work on our relationship ... I told him that him not saying anything to her about us, she might get hopes that someday they will be back together ...
I guess she will know for sure when we go on our vacation together in May but I just have some urges to call her or send her a letter to let her know what is going on ... I'm still a little paranoid about OW ... well ... not about her but about going through the same drama again ...

mily,

I am glad that everything has been going peacefully thus far. I continue to pray for you and your little one. Your H has come a long way, but has good way to go still. Why would he not tell OW that he is working on your relationship with him? To me that would be just another testament that he is serious about getting his family back in order.

Take care of you and your DD. Keep me posted - okay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


JT= W2E

Thanks for your prayers ... same for you ...
keep strong ...keep strong ...

I'm going to talk to my counselor about that today ... I don't want to become paranoid again ... but I can't go through something like that either...
You are right, he has come a long way, but he still has a long way to go, we both are ... I'm glad that we are not living back together ... when the time is right we will both know it and feel it ...
He needs to feel alone ...

Thanks for worrying about me! Sometimes I feel very alone (IRL) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Except for a couple of them, my friends are not reacting very well to all of this, not even now with the dating part of it ...

But this is life and I've learned a lot from it ...

Keep the faith, and it will work out in the end! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Later......


W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for worrying about me! Sometimes I feel very alone (IRL) . Except for a couple of them, my friends are not reacting very well to all of this, not even now with the dating part of it ...


That's because my guess would be, if you are like me, no one has gone through this experience IRL so they think you are nuts. People don't really grasp forgiveness and reconciliation in these situations I have discovered. I think you are doing what you feel needs to be done, and that it will work out one way or the other, and you will have peace.
Best wishes to you.

adgirl48

You are completely right ... it is very sad, but unless someone has gone through something like this, at least the infidelity part, they do not understand.
IRL, I just have two close friends, one of them went through the same thing at the same time, except the OC part and she was the one that referred me to MB ...
The other one, his sister's H has been having an A for several years with OW and 2 OC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Then I have a couple of friends that have said that they will support me in every decision I make ... and from their comments and attitude, I can infere that they've been through at least an A ... one of them I know for sure because her H told my xH when and how it was ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I don't know if she knows ... but my guess is she does but she does not want to talk about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just wanted to do a monthly update ...
Relationship/dating with xH going good ... most of the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
He keeps going to counseling ... and, boy, that's a huge difference!
I'm only seeing my counselor now every three weeks since she thinks I'm in recovery and doing well ...

xH moved to a studio at the end of February ... and gave me a key!
we've been talking a lot ... about the A, about OW and OC ...
About the A, I told him that after DD was born, I felt him very close to us and that when we went to PR I felt that he was the H that I knew ... he said that when we were on vacation, he made the decision of stop the A ... but then when he came back and she told him she was pregnant, he didn't know what to do ... he felt it was his responsibility to be with her during the pregnancy ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Then he said that as soon as they moved in together he knew it was a mistake ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Then I asked him ... do you think she got pregnant on purpose? ... he thinks so ... some comments she had said including one saying that she wanted to give him a D so he didn't have any excuse to go back with me and DD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Calls to OW: She was still calling him at all times ... and I told him that if there was no relationship why she was calling so much ... he said he ignored her and let her talk ... well, if you let her talk and take her calls all the time, she is going to have hopes that there might be something between the both of you ... he didn't understand why ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I told him, if I was her (thanks God I'm not!) and I keep calling him and he keeps answering the calls ... that meant that he still had feelings for me ... after that conversation, calls started to diminish .... he was still answering the calls in case there was something wrong with the baby ...
He said OW was mad with him because he didn't say anything about his new apt, where it was, or anything ... he said that she didn't need to know anything about his life or what he is doing ...
She knows I check up his cell phone ... he's been very good at this, telling me before I look up ...
Then I asked him, why does she call you as soon as you leave her house? I know, I should not let her actions affect me ... but she was doing it on purpose!!!!
She would not talk to him while he was there visting OC ... and she would call him to 'talk' ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Anyway, calls have diminished a lot this past couple of weeks ...

She's complaining about the amount of time he spends with DD and the amount of time he spends with OC ... she does not want her mom and sisters to care of OC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but wants xH to take of him while she is at work ... xH works overnights and he sleeps during the day ... he told her no ... last week she wanted him to go every day to see OC ... he told her no ... she is putting so much pressure on him ... until he finally told her that he was tired of her BS every single day ... that's when she stopped calling.

She hasn't let him take OC and DD to be together again ... on which I told him that he was giving her too much power ... if he does things legally CS and visitations, he would not need to spend time there ...

I'm doing good ... but there are some days that I question if I can keep up with OW's BS for at least the next 18 years ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Again, xH has come a long way ... but we still have a long way to go ...
enough here ...

Hey,

I am glad to hear from you even if it has been rough on you this past month. I hope that you are taking care of yourself in the process. How's that little darling of yours? I understand how you are feeling, I think!

I am going through a rough spot myself I don't really know why I know that my H says he loves me, but has made no moves toward anything and continues to tell lies. Your story sounds so much like my own until I can't breathe reading your post. I know that I am going to have to D my H, but I can't say that I hope that one day he'll change and eally want his family, but I don't see that happening. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Mily, your H has come a long way and do you think being D makes it any easier for him to see what he's lost. My friends and family kind of think I am crazy for being so open and free when it comes to coparenting our kids. It is almost like I am we are not getting a D. I think that it is important for their lives to be disrupted as little as possible. Am i right? How is your little one taking it? Is she not happy seeing the two of you together sharing certain aspects of your lives together? Am i wrong for wanting this for my kids? They didn't ask to be in this mess!

MIly, what do I do? I feel so lost sometimes until I almost don't fell like I can face tomorrow. I know that my H is lying about seeing OW/OC, but I know too that he is feeling kind of the responsibility that your H said he felt toward her. Don't get me wrong she has shown her true colors to him, but isa it enough. Plus I keep on LB's. Every single day I LB him. I thought I was so over it but I am not and it hurts to spend time as a family with him and see him with our kids and imagine what he does with OC?

I can't take it NOW and I know that I will not be able to take it in any aspect in the future. So for me leaving is the only way to some peace, but how do you get over the hurt of loving this man so????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am sorry Mily, I am suppose to be supporting you and I am dumping my day's fears on you. I think your H is making some good progress. I can see that some level of trust might be building between the two of you.

Keep up the good work Mily!!!!!! I am proud of you and praying for you.

You have got to post more often I miss ya, eventhough i don't post often I lurk daily!!


W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Mily,

I am glad to hear your great update. Your situation is a lot like mine except for us not having a child together.

My XH has soooo far to go to even compare to yours but we r talking on a regular basis & leaning toward having a relationship????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am crazy I know, but we have a better relationship now that we r D & not living together then when we were under the same roof.

He is not in counseling, I am but afraid to tell her what is going on, but he has made some significant strides in showing me that OW is just his "baby's mamma" & nothing more. He is living alone, getting OC every other wknd. & there r no more financial obligations between them. We have talked more openly & honestly then we have in years. He wants to come home but not without us doing a lot of work on ourselves & as a couple first, which I totally agree with, if it happens at all it won't be this year that is for sure.

My friends support me, but my family would flip if they knew we r still seeing each other.

Still not sure if I want to deal with OC for the next 19 years either!

I am so happy that things r going well for u.

Keeping u in prayer!

It helps to know that someone else is in the same situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

((((JT))))

First, about DD ... she will be 18 months old in a couple of weeks ... she understands so much ... some times it is scary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... and hurts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... she adores her Papi ... well, these past weeks, when she wakes up, she calls him ... I tell her he is working and she seems to be ok with that ... or when she hears a sound, she looks at the door to see if it is him ... or she takes the phone (the real one) and starts calling him ... it breaks my heart ... those are the moments that I just want to smack him in the head!
Or like the other night when she took her pillow and make a gesture to him to come to the bed with her ...
Right now, she seems to be ok ... and I really hope with all my heart that in this year to come we can work out our relationship for good ...
I totally understand your desire of co-parenting 'to the point that you don't seem like you are divorced'. They deserve better, we deserve better ... I guess is the questions that drive us crazy ... is it right? am I doing the right thing? what are we going to do if we never get back together? how much can we protect them from this mess/situation? how about OC? do we want them in our children's lives?

How are your kids doing? How much do you think they understand?

How are you doing? Is H still living with you? Any changes/progress?

Sometimes I still have mixed feelings about the D. Sometimes I wonder what would be of us, if there was no D ... but then that same train of thoughts leads me to think that the situation might be worse ... and then I feel that it was the right decision ... I can not imagine myself living through all of this married <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , especially with OW/OC and the going back and forth from H.
I always had hopes that we would reconcile before the D was final but it happened so fast, in less than three months we were divorced. He thought the same thing. For me, D, was more making a stand for myself ... it was me saying to him STOP! ... I'm not OK with what you are doing, I'm not ok with your indecisions ... I'm not ok with you having an A ... and I don't know how else to deal with this ...
Most of the times, it turned out to be a blessing ... well, I never told him anything of this, that was between me and the voices in my head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... I'm not longer married to him so if wants to screw up his life ... it's his life not mine or ours ... I no longer have to baby-sit him for every little thing ... he needed to take responsibility of his actions and decisions ... for me, it was drawing a line ... past this line, I'm just an observer ...
It is sad ... and it hurts too ... because you are officially separating/divorcing your life from the person that you love the most, even with all the pain caused by OW/OC ... you are still hoping that something will change, still waiting for his actions to match his words ... but nothing happens ... and you get depressed and lost ...

And then you need to think about your kids ... and be a mom ... with all the pain in your heart ... not let them consume in your pain ... and that is hard too ...
am I making sense?

I would never ask H to have NC with OC ... which is part of why I was so hurt last time because I didn't see any reason for him to keep lying to me unless he was still in a EA/PA with OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
And I know that he feels responsible for OC even though OW showed her true colors. But that is his situation to deal with, not mine.

About the LB... yes ... I know it is very difficult to not LB ... I LB every day until the day he left for the first time, back in Feb 04... that just pushes them away ...
Then after I went to the lawyer and with the help of my counselor I started to see that it was not my responsibility to fix him any more ... to change his actions or decisions ... I could only change myself and live one day at a time for me and for DD ... which I think makes a difference on how H saw me ... I didn't need him, or at least that's what I tried to showed him ... but it got to a point that I know now that if our R does not work, I'm going to be ok by myself ...

It took a me along time to see that ... and then if it took me so much time to change my ways ... I can not expect H to change his actions overnight either ... again, he is doing good ... very good ... and I'm getting all excited thinking about the possibilities that we have ... but at the same time, some days I find myself paralyzed in fear because I won't go through another A ...

I really hope I made sense <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

(BTW - Calls have been almost non-existent last week and this week!!!) ...

B,
In one of the conversations I had with my counselor, I mentioned to her that I thought that if it wasn't for DD, I would not do anything to save my relationship with xH ... you know what she told me? ... No, I think you would still be fighting as hard ... that's you my friend ...

It is going to be a year very soon since we got divorced ... so fast the divorce! so fast this year! Time heals ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have talked more openly & honestly then we have in years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not crazy ... somehow, being divorced took away the pressure of being married ... don't take me wrong, I want to be married again to xH ... I want us to work ... but I want a different and better marriage ... not what we had before ... dito, we've never communicated as good as we are doing it now ...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He wants to come home but not without us doing a lot of work on ourselves & as a couple first, which I totally agree with, if it happens at all it won't be this year that is for sure. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally agree with you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My friends support me, but my family would flip if they knew we r still seeing each other.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Same here for the family ... the only one that supports me/us is my mom ... and that took us some time too ...
My friends do not understand ... and right now, I do not expect them too ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It helps to know that someone else is in the same situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">((((hugs))))

PS - How did it go last week with your IC?

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: Mily ]</small>

Mily,

I am glad to hear from you and ((((WHEW)))))!!! Boy, did you spew out a mouthful!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My H is no longer in the household, I packed his things for him on FEB 13. My children are 3&2 and they are experiencing the same symptoms that your DD does. I get the same behaviors almost exactly as you do. It brings me to tears sometimes until I don't think I can bear anymore pain.

Am I really helping them by allowing them to see him as much as they do or should it be restricted (as it legally is due to my RO). He sees them almost daily for a couple of hours. I am just so confused to some degree until it is unreal even for me.

My H has not even been served the D papers yet, so I feel like I am still living in limbo. I don't know if he is really able or willing to fight to save his M. His ego is so big and so important to him that he not have "any woman checking on him". Can you believe after what he has done he has the gall to say that to me. That's when I can't take anymore and just LB all over the place. To me it still feels like fog talk to me - despite the fact that he begs to come home daily and openly tell me what he thinks I want to hear even about his dealings with OW/OC.

Actions don't even begin to match anything that is going in our lives. On the outside looking in it seems like we are just a big happy seperated family. I am just tired of living in this M (like it is)with him. I am still hanging on to the thought of what we could be when the bottom line is that we were never that way. I have been living in a fantasy land that really never existed for me. I never came first in his life ever!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Work always came first and still does, my Stepson came before me. Heck he doesn't involve me on any of the issues with him until after he has talked to his XW and she has yet to ever call my home and ask me any questions or even to speak to my SS before. She always calls my H's cell phone. WTF is that and this has been going on from the beginning of our m.

I ask him time and time again how he expects me to believe that living this way would not happen now that their is OW/OC. It would be the same way except she has no real reason to even exist in the M and should never have to begin with.

I am venting today I am so sorry, but I can't even talk about it right now. I hope and thought on some level that I waws st the point of not talking about it constantly, but obviously I am not there yet. I am trying!! I know that I have to go through with this D if not for my sanity adn children's sake, but for his sake as well. He needs to know that his actions do effect others and that his actions does have consequences.

I am having a bad day because today is OW's birthday as well. He is at work from what I know, but I insist that I will not let this get to me. I don't know if he has reached out to her since he so called ended it. All I know is that I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I notice when he is at my house with us he still leaves the cell phone outside in the car. WTH is that about? I don't say a word I just keep going. I really think that this man does not begin to realize the damage that he has caused.

It hurts to see my little ones cling so preciously to the time that they spend with him when all he had to do was be at home with them all along!!! [censored]!!!!

I am sorrry for the vent, but don't stay away so long I love hearing from you and hope to be where you are soon eventhough I think wanting us to be a family is just a pipe dream.

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>

Hey JT ...
Let me tell you something first ... I was going to go back to read your posts from the beginning ... well, I did ... but I only read one, your first post was to the very good friend that sent me here ... isn't this a small world?

===============================================

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H has not even been served the D papers yet, so I feel like I am still living in limbo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably why he is not doing anything ... until he sees the papers, he will be acting the same, just thinking that you are not serious and are going to put with his ... things ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
And from the view here, he would probably not do anything until after you are divorced <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His ego is so big and so important to him that he not have "any woman checking on him". Can you believe after what he has done he has the gall to say that to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe it. For a moment there I thought you were talking about *my* H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To me it still feels like fog talk to me - despite the fact that he begs to come home daily and openly tell me what he thinks I want to hear even about his dealings with OW/OC.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it would be more out of the fog comment when he tells you that he wants to work on M/R slowly ... no rush into coming back or any other thing ... at least for me it was. When we had the conversation on where we were ... I told him I did not want him to come back because I was not prepared ... a lot of loose ends ... I felt that (after two false recoveries), he would fall back very easily into his old ways ...

About xW#1 and OW ... did you know xH has another son - 11 1/2 yrs old from his first M? Anyway, xW#1 is happily married and do not want C with xH except for CS. Yes, we can pick them huh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Anyway ... we had our share of problems with xW#1 before she remarried. But before that, I did feel that I was not in his list of priorities either ... now I am ... but how long and how painful it has been to get there ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I ask him time and time again how he expects me to believe that living this way would not happen now that their is OW/OC. It would be the same way except she has no real reason to even exist in the M and should never have to begin with.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly!
I'm so sorry!!!!
(((hugs)))
This would be something to include in your 'list' of things to negotitate with your H. You, him, and the relationship with xW needs to change/improve ...

Here is how I 'see' my D ... we had a beautiful home, or so I thought ... and it started to deteriorate ... OW was a huge storm, no, a huge hurricane that did a lot of damage. I tried to rebuild by myself but I couldn't ... D was the bulldozer (sp?) the left me with all the debris ...
We tried twice (false recoveries) to rebuild ... no luck ... we need first to clean all the area and analyze and salvage what it is important for both ... then we need to plan ... and then rebuild ... where are we know? Still in the cleaning part ...

(((hugs and prayers for you and your kids)))


hey!! talk as much as you need to!!!!
I'm holding one of my hands with B. You have the other one!

Mily,

I think you are right! Nothing is going to change until we are probably Divorced! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think he does not really believe that I am going to do it because he has not been served yet. To him I'm sure it sounds like all talk and nothing else. The fear of losing us for real should spark something, but how do you change the behavior that you have become use to (as far as H and his behavior - not mine)???? Make any sense? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He is really going to have to seek counseling or better yet, he may never see the problems and do anything about them. I just want the whole process to start already!! I feel like I will be in more control of my life and well being more so than I am now. I have let go of a lot and am happy not living with him at the moment. Those few days that he was back in the house it was like oh my GOSH - I have got to get him out of here!! I couldn't take it. I had gotten use to being alone again or sort of alone again because I see him constantly and talk to him daily (which might come back to bite me in the butt)!!!

I have made a list and given it to him before and what did he do; he gave it to his lawyer as part of his defense if I filed. Fortunately, it doesn't help his case any if anything it makes me look good as the wife that gave him several opportunities to come back to his family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So I guess I should just wait and see. My grandmother tells me that I will never get totally rid of him - she says he'll always be or at least try to be a strong force in my life even if we do D. I have even asked him in a calm and rational discussion to please just accept the papers and sign them and give me a D!!!! He said he would never give me a D, he then told me that he loves me and he just made a mistake. A "MISTAKE" WTH is that about it was more than a mistake. He lived with her when I put him out and played family to her and her three other children then along came OC and he went to the hospital and probably held her hand and signed BC even after I had asked him not to do so!!! Lied to me until the end and still will not really say anything else except it was a mistake!!!

Well for me that just won't go away and it probably never will; I see it everytime I look at my children or when I hear him tell my DD (She was his only girl until OC)you are daddy's baby and guess what she is not OC supposedly is!!! I just get angry all over again and can't control myself by stating that fact time and time again.

I know I need some help, but at least i am no longer the door mat. I am in the driver seat of my home and life now, but I do seem to let OW/OC actions and behaviors control my thoughts (or at least the what ifs).

So what now, I think it will be easier once he see's that I am not in limbo, but moving forward with my life without him. He won't see that as you've said until he is served with the D papers!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Love ya,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

PS: VENTING right now - and kepp holding my hand I need it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>

JT, I wanted to reply to you before I post my monthly update ...

Well, first of all, sorry I didn't reply sooner ... I didn't know how addicted I was to the board until it went away for all those days ... yeah, I went through withdrawal and everything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Were the D papers served? How are you doing?

Counseling really has make a difference with xH ... but like everything else, it is something he needs to do by himself, otherwise it won't work ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
You can imagine how many times I asked him to go to counseling and he said we were doing fine that we didn't need it, he didn't need it ... yeah right ...



I totally understand ... I can't imagine how would I have felt if OC was a girl ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
but even with the fact that OC is a boy ... sometimes I feel angry at all of this!

Have you been in counseling? That helped me a lot ... and I'm so glad that God sent me an angel ... that's how much I think of my counselor ...

[color:"purple"] Here goes my update from last month ...

We're still dating and getting ready for our vacations in a couple of weeks ... counting the days now ... 17 days ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Calls to OW almost inexistent from xH ... I can't say the same the other way ... she still calls him but he doesn't answer the phone to her ... most of the times ... but even with the calls he answers, they don't talk more than five minutes ... good ...

They agreed to get DD and OC together for the whole day ... the night before she changed her mind and said that only for the afternoon and that play date should not be at my apartment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
And that she wanted to know where xH is living now ... he took OC to my apt anyways while we were getting DD ready ... and he didn't tell her where he is living ...

So now comes the highlight of the month ... apparently OW has been ... I don't want to say stalking ... but has been driving by where I live ... constantly ... about a week ago, xH was at my apt ... he is only at his for sleeping ... and she drove by and saw his car outside ... and she called him .... wanting to know why he was there ... and they talked ... based on xH's 'view' of the conversation ... she was mad because he was there and he said to her that he liked to be there where he felt good... and she said that 'I guess it is time for me to move on' and he said 'you should have move on a long time ago' ... since then she is not calling him that much.

Well, yesterday, we were talking on the phone and I told him how DD was calling him on Sunday afternoon ... and he said that he couldn't wait for this year to end so he could move back in with us ... that's what my counselor said! He has to feel the need to come back ... up to the point where he does not want to live by himself anymore ... that was a good moment ... then he said something about what we were going to do about all the things that he got for his apt and I said to him ... I know you do not want us to live here anymore ... not specially since we know that she is driving by to see if you are here or not ... but depending on were we are next year we might consider buying a house ... good ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He still hasn't told her about the vacations ... so we'll see what happens when he does ... [/color]

Hey Mily,

I just saw this reply to me with the lag of the board being down & all. I never did see my IC, cancelled on her twice cuz I didn’t want to lie about what was going on between me & XH. I am going to see her soon though.

The latest with me is that I keep putting myself thru the same ol' ringer that I spent money to get out of! XH recently told me that he wanted to make me hurt for D ing him, so I backed off, told him no more SF which he should not have been getting anyway. So this past Sat. we had a "sleep over". He spent the nite, thats it. So yesterday I ask him when I can come by his place & he starts talking about how he needs time to get his thoughts together & he is not having company like that yet!!!! Now I am "company"????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So I told him that it is my fault on this one, cuz he told me how he felt about me/us, & I am still rushing him into something he isn't ready for & that he should concentrate on the women in his life, (his mummy, his baby's momma & his daughter), that doesn't include me.

He claims he loves me & wants to come back home but he won't be rushed & doesn't want a commitment, at least not w/ me right now, so I have to move on.

Last nite XH comes over at 11:00 p.m. to pick something up, couldn’t call first, claims he thought I would have left it in the mailbox. So I told him that it hurt me that he considered me “company” & that I needed to collect my thoughts as well & that we needed a break from each other, so right away he says I can come over anytime – if that is what I want to hear!!!!!! I told him not to pacify me by telling me what he thinks I want to hear, he has been doing it for years & I can’t stand it anymore. He started with the” I want to try again but we have to take it slow” crap. U would think I was trying to rush him to a chapel for a quickie re-marriage. We talked about 20 min. & he kept looking at his watch & I told him to go home, he said he’d call me today but I don’t really want him too. We r supposed to ride up to Canada on Sunday to take my son his laptop but I don’t want to go with him, what would we ever talk about for an almost 2 hr. ride????? If I mention “us” he gets all defensive & squirmy.

I see now for my sanity I have to let this go for real, this "friend thing" is not working - not now, the D is too fresh & my emotions over it & him r too raw. Of course he won’t want to stop talking but I have to protect B, he still wants to play games & I am sooooo tired of it. He is enjoying the freedom I gave him thru D, but at the same time wants to keep me hanging on......

So glad to hear things r going well for u my friend, in your case sounds like D was what your XH needed to truly wake him up & turn him around.

Praying for u & your family!

“B”

Hi B,
I'm so sorry you've been going through that loop again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



what!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
{{{{{B}}}}}
I'm so sorry ... it seems that your xH is not there yet (not that mine is there either but hopefully he is closer) ... take some time for you and don't let your life revolve around the 'dating' ... that's what my IC told me ... and what I'm trying to follow at my best.

I did Plan B for three weeks, which I think make a little difference in xH ... then I let my guard down, I couldn't do Plan B and everything was back almost the same ... but then I asked him if we could have a serious conversation about us ... this was back in January.

He did give me the whole "I don't want to be rushed, I need my space, I want to live alone, I've never live alone before ... blah, blah, blah ..." speech
I told him I don't want you back, not now, not like that ... you need to live alone, you need to live by yourself, the last thing I want to do is to rush you because I know we will be back to the same things as before and we both know that was not working ...
But I do need to know if you are serious with me or if I need to move on ... I do not want to waste my time, I love you and I want to be with you but I need my time and my space too. The way things are right now, I do not want you living back with me.

I know he was not expecting that ... the look on his face confirmed it since I think he had the whole speech prepared and memorized ...

That's when I suggested that may be it might be a good idea if we date for a while ... at that time I suggested a 6 month period but when he started looking for another place to live, before he said anything, I told him that I thought that it was even better if it was a one year period. And he agreed about the dating. Then I told him, we could date just once a week so you will still have all your time.
Guess what, we are seeing each other almost every day ... but under the 'idea' of once a week dating ... no pressures ... no LB's ...
The other thing, that has been a little difficult for me to do, is that I do not tell him where I am all the time ... that worked well, he started asking what I was doing and what were my plans ... before I would tell him and he would just ignore me. I do not ask him what he is doing ... which I did before ... so now he tells me ...
I do not talk about feelings unless he starts first ... I do not say I love you, unless he says it first ...

I think I was doing more of 180 list approach ...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes his feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I know it seems that is me the one playing games ... but following that list (most of it) has helped me a lot ... and I've been doing it to protect myself from more hurt ... not to try to get him back ... and it has worked amazingly ... at least I'm amazed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you ask me if I would want him to move back today ... I will tell you without doubt ... NO ... we are not there yet ...



Totally know the feeling, like as soon as they close their eyes, we will have them signing marriage paperwork <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ... so when I feel that he's going to say something like that ... I say it first ...
or like the other day, he said something about 'when we get married again' ... my heart jumped in the inside ... I only told him ... 'don't tease the hungry' and didn't say anything else ...

When he starts to look his watch, I ask him to leave because I'm tired or whatever ... I do not call him, even when I'm dying to ... and when he calls I always try to sound casual ... when I'm just jumping of happiness inside ... and even when I want to ... I do not always answer his calls ...
Believe me, this will take all of you energy ...


Don't ... do not talk about the both of you, not about relationships, nothing .... not a peep ... enjoy the ride ... take a book ... take some CDs ... put them loud in car ... sing like there is no tomorrow ...

where are you? where do you live?



Thanks B, he's still has a few turns to take ...


same here!
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}