Well I started posting here a year ago for those of u who remember me (Baby Girl) & I have not posted in a long time and have since had to move on to the D board since after three plus years of trying to save my marriage - alone - I recently filed for a D last month, still trying to talk to H & try to work this out but he was still giving me lip service - promises & lies while his actions said different - so on Feb. 2 I changed the locks, put 2 bags of his clothes in the driveway, listened to him beg me for 40 minutes to please let him in so we could "talk" & to not let it end this way blah, blah, blah...

He is now living on his own in an apt. building, that his mummy also lives in - surprise, surprise.

I have since struggled with feelings of hatred, resentment, anger & thoughts of revenge toward H & OW & I really want to get past these feelings & need to do so for my own sanity & peace of mind.

I plan to seek counseling, this is my second D, & since we have no children together I never have to see him again but the things that were done to me by the two of them him just wont leave my head. For the most part I am handling things well, but I have this desire to make them pay, I am totally alone at home, my son is away at college so I have a lot of time on my hands. I know the bible says "Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord..." & they will both reap what they have sewn but I keep having these not so nice thoughts.

I had posted on the D board & asked if anyone else shared these feelings and when I got home my
H called me today, just to say hi, I hadn't talked to him since Sat. & that was a very ugly conversation. He said he "came in peace" & just wanted to know how I was doing. I started not to answer the phone, & in a way I am sorry I did, he can still get to me unfortunately. We had a 2 minute civil conversation & I came away from it choked up, we have been together almost 12 yrs. & married almost 9 - too bad I can't flip a switch & turn my feelings completely off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It is definitely over, there is NO going back, I can see him wanting to be friends or something like that but I can't - not now anyway. Right now it just seems easier to dislike him & want to make him hurt like I do. He is so totally lost & I actually feel sorry for him I really do - but I can't help him. Only God can.

In a way I am glad we talked though cuz it takes to much energy to hate & since I have let him & my M go, I know I have to let those negative feelings go as well. I plan to spend the rest of my life being happy & filled with joy now that this chapter of my life is coming to a close. I know God has something good in store for me.

As I said I pray for all of u ladies here, your marrigaes & your families & I am so sorry to see so many new names. I hope no one else has to travel the road I am on now.

((((((((( B )))))))))))))

I'm sorry it came to this. May your future be filled with peace and happiness.

J

((((b)))) You know I think you are one awesome woman. Sorry he couldn't wake up and make the commitment to you that God intended!
Sunny D

I think forgiveness is important for YOU. I know what happenened/is happening is painful, but maybe you can try to realize it is HIS problem and NOT YOU. It hurts when we think someone can do this to us and that they didn't think enough of us to treat us better, but it might help to let go if you don't think of it as having anything to do with you. I know that sounds stupid right now, because of course it IS personal, but it's HIS OWN character defects that got him into this. Maybe you can just try to remember that he is just flawed and you are a smart person for recognizing this and courageous for being able to do what he can't...move on. Good Luck with your feelings, I hope things get better for you soon. I hope this helped, if not, ignore me :-).

Hey Babygirl,

Believe it or not, I am happy for u...because when one door closes, many new and better doors open. Just keep thanking God. Thank God u have no children involved....thank God that u have your sanity, and your health and strength. Yes, I can imagine that it is normal to feel like making H & OW suffer to no end...but u have waaaayyyy better things to use your energy on.

I bet u that in one year, u will reflect back on things, and shake your head in disbelief that u were in that situation...and feel great about where u are at that moment.

Take care, and keep your head up so you can see where u are going. Stay Strong, u can do it!!!

Thanks ladies!

All of your replies helped me, just as this board as helped me thru this last year, I did read the info. here & tried to use Dr. H's principles but I coulnd't do it alone, it wasn't meant to be, I have accepted that & I am ready to move on without him in my life.

I know he is gonna call me again & I just may not answer, it is too hard, plus I went thru this b4 with him when he lived with OW. I don't want to date or be friends or anything like that. I came away from this with my sanity & I am not going to go back to the madness of trying to deal with him on any level. It is a blessing there are no children involved & I was never given the chance to bound with my stepdaughter so I won't miss her, I will pray for her daily cuz she deserves better parents & Lord willing they will both grow up & do right by her. At any rate that is not my problem.

My son is coming home for the weekend & I can't wait to see him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He gets to come home to a "drama free, tension free" home. He served my H the divorce papers before he left for school & hated to leave me with H alone. So he is really happy too.

Overall I am doing great, no more drama, no more grey cloud hanging over my head. I just feel so free!

Love u all!

I am in a similar situation to yours and my feelings are also similar. The thing I know is that the anger only hurts you. I know it's easier said than done but you do have to work on letting it go because it eats you up inside. I am working on that as well.

Hey B - Glad to hear you sound like you are doing better today.

The one lesson that took me the longest to learn in this whole ordeal is that I cannot control or change my H. He is his own person and is accountable for his own actions. When I accepted that I could not help my H to see what he was doing to so many innocent people, but that he had to realize it and change for himself, I think I became more at peace with whatever the outcome of this mess will be. An A occurs because two selfish people do what makes them feel good in the moment. It is totally about selfishness. As hard as it is to realize, it really had nothing to do with intentionally hurting us.

I guess what I am trying to say to you B is to let go of that anger. Your H has to own his actions - he alone is accountable. Just as you are accountable for you. Fight those urges for revenge - it will only harm you! You know where those urges come from and I know you are strong enough to fight those urges and stand up for you!! We have all had thougts of revenge - that is only natural. What sets us apart from our H's and OW is that we fight those urges and do what is right. Just be you and hand the rest over to God.

Stay strong girl and focus on your faith!!

You know I love you!

Talk to you soon,
Kris

Krism, u hit the nail right on the head with your comments!!!!!

Kris,

U know I agree with your comments too, I have to let it ALL go & I will. More than anything right now I wish I didn't have to see his mummy at church every Sunday, I avoided her this past Sunday & did not speak - have not spoke to her in months, & I told him to tell her that I wont' be speaking to her ever.

I hold her almost as much responsible for my M falling apart as I do H & the trick, she was in the middle & being a problem from day one, but again that goes back to H putting her in her proper place as well. He seems to have a real problem with putting me first. I relieved him of that though!

I really truly dislike her & I have to forgive her too, in time hopefully. God has to work on me on that one too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You don't have to like someone or even talk to them to forgive them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You're doing great! Hang in there.

HUGS to you B.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
kt

Hey B,

I am sorry to hear about what is going on with you; however, I am glad to know that you are handling it. You have spent a long time hanging onto the M without any real help from your H. I am proud of you for continuing to pray and be patient, but am glad that you now realize that GOD does not want any of his children to hurt.

He definately does not plan for us to be in constant pain and limbo. M is suppose to be sacred and shared by both people, I had to learn that you needed to be equally yolked which it deosn't seem like you were. I know the pain you are in because I share it with you as well. It is a lot more difficult when children are involved so I am glad that you do not have to know that pain - as well.

B- I had hoped that he would see the wonderful woman that he had with him, but often times they don't see it until it is too late. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just keep the faith and know that I am praying for your family and that GOD will bring peace into your life. For when GOD closes one door he is sure to open another. Remember B that he will not leave your side and when you are to weak to go on he will carry you through it.

Love Ya,


JT = W2E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>