I am sooo angry over this situation, I don't even know where to start. My husband had an affair with a co-worker and had actually made plans to leave me and our kids for her-- until she got pregnant... then he decided he had things to resolve with me. hmmm. i found out about the pregnancy in march, the baby was born in november. meanwhile, we had been in counseling but when the counselor told him he had to cut off communication with her, he didn't agree and stopped going to counseling. i found out after the baby was born when i called her and had a nice little CONVERSATION with her a bunch of things that he had lied to me about... he had went up to her apartment to see how she was doing behind my back, told her to move into a bigger apartment and agreed to pay the difference (she moved in right before the baby was born) and now has agreed to pay for daycare.(over $600/mo). he took our kids to the hospital the day the baby was born so they could see their little sister and was there for the birth-- against all my wishes. i do not want my kids around OW. I am so angry with this situation i cannot even see straight. I feel like he has done nothing to make an attempt to restore our relationship -- he is unaccountable for time, finances and still has conversation with her behind my back. Is it unfair of me to ask that i am present for all conversations with her? She doesn't want the baby to be around me and right now i don't want anything to do with it. Visitation looks like this . we meet at a neutral place, when he has the baby i let my kids go and join them and i go and read or look around. i am so hurt by this situation i don't know what to do. i have asked him to set up a visitation schedule and be done with it, decide how much money he is going to pay and schedule the day and be done with it. he has not done these things, he says he is working on it. He wants to keep things cool with her because they work at the same place but people could make it hard on them (I DON"T CARE!!!). Last night he called because OW had been sick to see if she needed him to come and pick up the baby and her response was DEPENDS, and asked if i was going to be there, i informed her that it is my house and if i choose to be home i will be home. she said no. i told him that i wouldn't give her a dime until this was worked out. in a CONVERSATION i had with her i told her that if she wanted him to have a relationship with the child she would have to let him take her and that OC would be at our house. i informed her that he was NOT GOING TO COME OVER AND PLAY HOUSE! through all of this i have told WH to leave a MILLION TIMES and told him that he is either going to be a full time dad and husband or a part time dad and that i would have nothing to do with him, he'd have visitation and i would expect him to take care of his responsibilities.

At what point is enough enough? i told him that i expect him to go back to church, go back to counseling (if he doesn't like the counselor then he finds one and name the time and place) and that there will be no more conversations behind my back. I am sooo sick of this. how do i get past the anger? the feeling that i constantly being compared? (he criticizes me constantly) i am angry for him feeling the need to be at the birth to support OW and then he had the nerve to take our kids up there like it was some GRAND HAPPY OCCASION!!! it is not a happy occasion... how do you get to the point where you aren't full of rage!!! i have no compassion for OW, i have called her every name in the book, i have basically told her that she was completely stupid for putting herself in this situation and that she should have waited for the ink on the divorce papers to dry before she got pregnant and that she did it on purpose - although he admits that it wasn't an accident. he feels oblibgated because he created this situation... should i just cut my losses and be done or is there a glimmer of hope??? he is still in the house but he is doing his own thing much of the time. i have pretty much been a single mom for years. sorry for the brain dump but just had alot on my mind and hope someone can give me some sound advice...

help...
BS 35
WH 33 (going on 13)
D-9, D-8
d-day march 2004
OC born 11/04

It sounds to me like your H is still in the A to a certain degree. If not physically then emotionally.
I think you need to set some firm boundaries with him. Set consequences. You need to be sure that if he does not stay within the boundaries that you are going to enforce the consequences.
It also sounds like he needs to do things legally. He should not be paying any CS until paternity is proven. Have a DNA test done. Then have child support and vistitation set up thru the courts. What he is doing right now is considered a gift. If the OW started court proccedings to establish CS she could ask for back support to the day the child was born. Even though he has been supporting the child the courts could still consider it a gift and order him to pay back Child support.
I would not only want marraige counceling but have him do IC as well. He needs to find out what is going on inside of himself to find out what allowed him to act this way.

The board is really slow on the weekends, so dont get discouraged. I am sure others with help.

Lori

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Tylorsstepmom ]</small>

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I see a lot of similarities to your situation and my own. H would never cut ties w/ the OW completely. She was always rude to me, etc... Now I know it was because the affair reignited after OC was born. It is very hard because none of these things seem like a concrete reason to leave him. I am not advocating you leaving him, because God knows I have tried everything to make my marriage work. But, it sounds like you need to give him a stricter ultimatums somehow.

amiloco

First - sorry that you have to be here. Second - Read everything you can on this site (MB).

Everything you're saying about WH, OW etc. is all typical. Nothing unusual that I read. These WH are in the fog and as M23B describes her WH - an alien. Not the person you have known for many years. Also, they are cakemen. Until they're forced into a decision, they'll continue to play the games.

Sounds to me like you should be doing Plan B. That means boot his behind out the door and let him figure it out. Set boundaries and tell him what he has to do if he wants to work on the marriage and come back home. There are samples of Plan B letter on the MB site.

I'm sure someone else will read this and bump up a couple other things for you to read too.

As for her (OW), she's not a consideration in this. It's your marriage and life, not hers. Her behavior is typical. Doesn't want you to have C with OC, blah, blah, blah. Should have thought about that before she spread her legs and s*****d a MARRIED man. No self respect these OW have. You got it right, if she wanted a relationship with your husband, she should have waited for the ink to dry on the divorce papers.

Take care of yourself and your kids, physically and financially.

I bumped up the Welcome Site to MB. It has lots of info in it.

Amiloco, one thing I'd like to throw in (which is my opinion only) is for you to quit talking to OW. You don't believe your H, so why should you believe her? She will put a twist on anything and everything to #1) try to make herself look good or to look like a "victim" herself #2) make it sound so aweful that you do leave so she can have him to herself. She's a liar and a manipulator too, she's already proved that. Don't give her fuel. Talking to her does nothing but hurt you more so if you don't want to be hurt, don't do it. Trust me. I've been there, done that.

Thank you all so much for responding... it makes me feel as if I am not as crazy as this whole situation makes me feel. Our relationship has been screwed up for a long time and I honestly wonder if it can be fixed. I have been a single mom and pretty much on my own emotionally and handling the kids for the past 5 years... I am a very strong person and since I have been handling everything honestly, there wouldn't be much difference if he did leave the house.

What is appropriate contact with OW and WH? He says he feels obligated to her because he helped create this situation and does ask about her welfare at times when they talk. I will admit that I am completely confrontational when I talk on the phone to her because I am so disgusted with both of their behaviors. He signed the birth certificate and in my state that's all she wrote "you're the daddy", she does look like him, so DNA is pretty much a waste of money. Money given to her has been in the form of a check. He doesn't want to go through the courts... not sure why... I was very clear that I would go through the courts and make sure he takes care of his responsibilities. She is not confrontational with me, in fact, she "doesn't want to fight with me and doesn't like it when I call her names, just wants him to spend time with OC..." I have told her straight up, I have no compassion for her, welcome to being a "Single Mom" I have been for years, and that if she wants him to have a relationship with OC, stop playing games with him and let him take her away.

There are so many needs he has not fulfilled in our relationship, it makes me sick when he is nicer (more respectful) to her than he is to me half the time. This makes me steaming mad!!! What makes me so angry is the fact that yes there are needs that I did not meet (obviously) but flip it around and does that make it ok for me to do the same thing??? Actually he is so convinced that I have cheated on him it is rediculous! I have been 100% faithful the entire time, reason being... I am not going to have to deal with God on that one... I am leaving town for a few days for a mtg so I hope me being away will make him wake up...

Someone please help me on what is appropriate contact with OW? For those of you who are accepting of this situation, how did you get to that point? Right now I don't want anything to do with it I am so hurt and angry... How did you respond the first time OC was @ your house? What did your husbands do to make you not feel so crazy??? I really appreciate any suggestions that I can get. This is such a jerry springer episode!!!

Hi Amiloco,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. If it is any consilation; i am in a fairly similar situation and do not know how to get out of it either. I agree .. When is enough .. actually enough?

My wife absconded with my two children; my son of 5 years old and our baby daughter of 20 days old. She did not run immediately; but admitted to having an affair with a co-worker on the 19th August 2004. I lost the plot that night and then for a week pleaded and cried as i collpased both emotionally and physically; while she looked on and behaved cold without emotion or thought.This is a woman that I loved dearly, showered with gifts and have known for 12 years. I hlped her from being a no hope McDonalds girl with no future to a corporate executive. This is a woman that I halped through university and done part of her degree as she learned how to speak english.. She is French !!

I was on top of the world with the birth of my daughter and then my world /ground crumbled beneath me. It has been 7 months now that I have not seen my children; while she lives with her lover and our children.They are both convinced that these children are their children; while I live tormented with no seeing them!

Anyhow.. hang in there girl, I know it hard and the pain is excrushiating .. but there is always light at the end of the tunnel in sight and hope.

Mig
x

on my return from work one

Miguel,

Have you talked to a lawyer. Legally she cannot keep your children from you.
I am sorry you are going thru this. Please find a lawyer. Your kids need you.

My wife is managing to do exactly that .. Keep me from seeing my children!! This is os easy to do in the UK.

Yes .. I do have a lawyer/solicior and this is not doing anything apart from being a money pit!

amiloco,

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. You're husband is being a terrible cake eater and not meeting your needs, to boot! I know that's incredibly frustrating and hurtful.

Why have you not gone to Plan B to protect the remaining love you have for your husband and give him a taste of life without you and the kids? You've already said you've felt like a single mother for the past 5 years, so it shouldn't be too hard logistically.

Given the situation you are describing, it looks to me as if you have two alternatives:

1. Plan B and RISK that he won't shape up and you'll end up divorced.

2. Keep doing what you're doing and KNOW FOR SURE that he won't shape up and you'll end up divorced.

For the sake of both your wellbeing and any remaining hope of getting your marriage back on track, please give serious consideration to a well-thought-out Plan B.

Best to you.

Amilco - I am sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately, your situation and frustration matches my own. I too am wondering when enough is enough.

For instance, our son got sick a few weeks ago and I made a same day appt with doc. I was at work and H home with our son. When I told H about appt. he was angry that I made it for that time and that I wanted him to take our son (he said that was not his thing to do). Well, he just wouldn't so I had to leave work early to take him. Then I started wondering "what is your thing to do". He doesn't mow the lawn, shovel the snow...etc. I feel like I am trying to rebuild this M by myself.

Anyway, I guess I have no words of wisdom as I am just as fed up and confused as you are.

Good Luck!